Bipolar Check-In #77

I've still been sick since the last time I checked in; and, still unable to work...my psychiatrist has been great about doing anything he can on his end to figure out what is going on, but it seems my psych meds are not the problem. Because of this, I am restarting lithium tonight; fingers crossed getting this back in my system goes well! I kind of need it to because I am experiencing mixed symptoms since stopping it to see if lithium was causing any of my symptoms. I wish I would have asked him is I could start taking seroquel again for sleep as needed because the anxiety of everything is messing with my ability to fall asleep. I see him again in two weeks so, if it's still an issue, I can always ask then. Or, call if needed.

Today, I finally saw a doctor willing to take serious action to get me better. He prescribed a steroid and antibiotic to start with an antiviral being the next step. He also ordered some tests, referred me to a GI, and was brain storming imagery tests that might be needed if none of the meds help and my next set of tests also come back fine. He spent 30 minutes with me which is completely unheard of these days! Because I have signs of hypomania kicking in, I'm a little worried about how the energy steroids can cause might impact my mood but, since I have crippling fatigue, hopefully it will just let me function better. And, my pdoc has made it very clear to not hesitate to call, even after hours, if I think I need his help. I continue to be so grateful for him!

When I lived in alaska we always said the lower 48. funny.
bizi

My psychiatrist appointment went well. I PROMISED him I wasn't going to change my meds anymore. He prescribed me 50mg of topamax to take before bed.

Fingers crossed it helps me lose weight!

I've only lost a pound in the last three weeks, so pretty much I'm still just maintaining. Better than gaining!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Yay two hours of sleep belsomra is working so well...

Happy Thanksgiving to anyone celebrating

To everyone in USA and territories



I’m not doing much. Taking a shower, watching the dog show then making my green bean casserole and taking off for my daughter’s house. A really relaxed day.

Happy Thanksgiving to anyone who is celebrating or happy thursday! I worked 26 hours in the past two days and also made an appointment to speak to someone and start medication again which felt like a big relief because I know this is something that will help me positively long term. Spending time with my immediate family today which will be nice, going to maintain boundaries so that I don't get upset later on but it is going to be a nice day off and I'm excited to see my mom and sister.

I'm doing good. Last night I was a mess physically. Finally after a lot of dry heaving and tossing and turning and being in a ton of pain I finally caved in and took 2 dramamine with a pepcid.

That knocked me out until 6AM. And I luckily slept on my left side all night and I was wearing loose basketball shorts so I felt fine both physically and mentally.

I weighed myself and I lost 3 pounds since yesterday. Which is kinda strange. Idk. I hope this **** isn't too serious. I do have a lidacaine patch on since I was starting to feel achy.

I am just at home this year. I have the parade on now and then the dog show will be on. The good thing about being with just my mom and brother is that my mom made baked brie and some dip that we normally have to share with 15 people. And it is so awkward for me to keep walking over to the table in front of people to keep getting more. Then my uncle usually takes the rest of the dip.home.

Its kinda like from Home Alone "A lovely cheese pizza. Just for me."

But yeah this a good year not too travel for me just because of everything going on.

Happy Thanksgiving to all that celebrate. I’m taking mom over to my sister’s in-laws house. There will be between 30-40 people there. I’m not feeling the vibe. I’d rather stay home. I’m doing okay. Just not up for a big celebration. I may drop her off and come on back home and let sister bring her back.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day.

Whoa that’s a lot of people. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to go. Just 5 adults and two kids where I’m going. So huge difference. Have a peaceful day whichever way you decide

We are going to a friends giving.It will be a pot luck We are bringing
crawfish dip and crackers, Green bean casserole and a fruit and walnut pie, different.
Others are bringing traditional pies apple cherry. There will be ice
cream for the pies yummy they always heat up the pies..
have a great day to those that celebrate!!!!
bizi

Just wanted to swing by and wish every a happy Thanksgiving

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Spitting up
Blood still
And now my arm
Is reacting to the Iv ihad

Thanksgiving was a relatively quiet affair, which was a pleasant surprise. My meddlesome cousin was invited by my equally meddlesome dad to a church Thanksgiving meal my mom and I were attending without our consent of knowledge. My mom just got told out of the blue that she was getting an unwanted plus one, but didn't feel comfortable saying no to my dad.

Now my antipathy towards both men are well documented here, so I won't litigate that again. What I will say is that I was expecting meddlesome and disruptive conduct from him and I was very happy that didn't happen. Still awkward as all get out being in the same room as him, but at least he was polite and cordial.

Rocking my big pre-Black Friday purchase. Managed to score a 10 inch Amazon tablet for more than half price. Since I'm so integrated with Amazon's services as it is, made perfect sense.

Speaking of Black Friday, I've got a ten hour shift tomorrow and Saturday selling my phones. I volunteered for the extra hours, so I've got no one but myself to blame there. I'm just not looking forward to my exhausted feet at the end of my shift tomorrow! 10am-8pm.

I worked at a retail job that had mandatory 12 hour shifts on black friday. Even for the people who didn't work in the back. They put them on the floor cleaning up. And they only gave you two 15 minute breaks and a 45 minute lunch. Most places give you that just for a regular 8 hour shift.

I honestly didn't mind working during the holidays until me and a FedEx delivery guy got into it which put me in a bad mood.

I am so glad I quit my job at Dollar Tree. Night shift was mostly stoners getting like $40 worth of cheap junk food for their munchies fix
---

So last night was awful.

I’m having a very lazy day. Still not dressed. Thinking of putting on my new winter pjs just to lounge about. I don’t do Black Friday so no need to go anywhere. I have a prescription to pick up, but in addition to being Black Friday it’s freezing outside. I think they said 8F brr I’ll wait until tomorrow when it’s warmer.

Just had a small plate of leftovers. Yum. White turkey , stuffing and green beans. I have about 3 days worth of leftovers as long as I use the small plates. But I have a whole pie to get rid of. I thought about putting the pieces on plates and handing them out downstairs. But that means getting dressed! Maybe tomorrow. Ooooo right. I gotta go down stairs tonight! There’s a building get together. Guess I’ll go get dressed then!

I slept ok last night. I honestly wonder sometimes if I'm even bipolar. My sleep is managed most of the time and all I take is melatonin. I've been on most of my meds for at least 9 years and I've never had an issue with needing to go off them for any reason. Idk.

Physically today I'm kinda nauseated but I had a lot of caffeine. Still though lying on my left side makes things a lot better then lying on my right. Idk again.

We got a good black friday deal on the streaming service Peacock. $19 for a year. Normally its $5.99 a month.

My mom has had a really bad cold for several days but tested negative for covid twice. I don't feel like I'm getting a cold though. I'm just lethatgic today from mixing valium and dramamine and stuff together.

My therapist suggested going out of state for inpatient eating disorder treatment. No ****ing way.

I went to the gym today, another tough workout. But I guess that's to be expected since I missed a month during my ketamine infusions.

The back of my hands and both arms are bruised from all the IVs I had. It's going away slowly.

Still feeling low and anxious. I have an appointment this week with the psychiatrist that oversees the ketamine infusions. I guess he'll determine whether the infusions did anything and determine the booster schedule.

I don't think the ketamine did anything for me unfortunately, but I'll find out for sure during the appointment.

I think we know our own bodies best.
bizi

Put my Christmas tree up today because my son wanted to. We bought a real tree. Merry Christmas!

I threw out all my PRNs. It was only Ativan. Im prescribed 2mg. Don't wanna go down that rabbit hole. My therapist mentioned this eating disorder center in massachusetts and they'd determine if I'm IOP PHP or IP but I really can't drive an hour and a half one way for IOP or PHP and I don't want to do IP and I feel like I'm on crack I need sleep but I need to
But yeah, I'm thinking it is not the fanapt causing the falling, as Nammu has said, because I am falling more frequently now. I feel WILD. Feelin like a Freak on a Leash.

I'm just kidding I want to sleep forever all them feelz goods wore off
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A QQ: Does this sound delusional? S woke up, said "Santa Claus sees all." So now I'm thinking that's code for "I put a camera in the bathroom, and I know you were purging in the shower at 1am and SHing."

**** I JUST REALIZED I ABUSED MY ATIVAN SO I HAVE TO RESTART MY CLEAN DATE I JUST REACHED 50 DAYS NOOOOOOO.

Sorry, anyways,
I think he watches me fall with malevolence. Like, "this gal is doing this to herself, so I'm going to make sure on Christmas her ED voice screams at her like never before."

Since he knows, I guess I don't have to go at lengths to hide it anymore. Which means I can outright refuse those stupid *** instant breakfast hot chocolates and whatever other food he makes me eat. And binging? Why bother discretely collecting my hoard overtime? Purging? I mean, I'll still be quiet and turn on music because that's kinda gross, but fk taking breaks I'll spend an hour in the bathroom if that's what it takes.

This dumb intestine pain and nausea sucks today. I've tried tylenol, a lidacaine patch, dramamine, and a valium and I'm not getting much relief. I don't have much of an appetite and I've lost 4 pounds in 2 days but I look huge because I'm bloated. I don't do well physically or emotionally with surgery, but I don't know what other option I have since every non psych med seems to interact with one of my psych meds.

You may not want ip, but I think it’s the best option for you. You’d be in a safe place and you could give up some of the need for control. I know you don’t feel like you deserve a safe place but you do. I do understand that ip means you have less control, but really it’s not doing you much good right now.