Bipolar Check-In #77

I secretly love when my cat comes and lays on me in bed bc his purring is caliming

I love you all. So much. For those of you doing well, keep it up. You're doing fantastic and I hope this good stretch lasts as long as the sun keeps burning. For those of you not doing so hot, things get better, it just takes time. You're awesome. Each and everyone of you, in your own unique ways.

@Mountaindewed sending loving vibes to your family
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Everyone of you make me feel accepted here when elsewhere (irl and even in some other parts of this forum) I feel like a totally deranged maniac who really does not belong in society, and maybe they're right, but at least in this check-in thread I get a break from that.

It's weird because when someone says they're concerned about me I get angry because I don't want people to care. But I've been reading a little bit about the inner child and eating disorders. I guess I loathe my inner child. "Needy" "stupid baby" "wuss" "burden" etc. I loathe those inner child needs like nurture and love because they weren't really things when I was an actual child. (The ED bit is the "I can't have needs" being played out with food). But when you guys say it here it's bittersweet. If, say, my mom or S said it, I'd totally flip my hat. But when I read it here, maybe it's the distance and lack of tone and reading vs hearing, but it just seems more... genuine? legitimate? natural? sound? warranted? I don't know, but there's more to it than when someone who doesn't get it says it (I still get angry but it's like a toddler getting angry when they're told they can't jump off the roof).
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I started a new med yesterday (Iloperidone) and so far am not impressed. Within two hours of taking my first dose I felt weak and clumsy. I fell. Got better as the day progressed so I took the nighttime dose thinking "I'll be in bed, got nothing to worry about." Wrong. After my 1.5 hour sleep I got up and nearly fell again but I grabbed on to the kitchen table. My TH were just as bad as ever last night too. Tonight I get a sleepy pill or two so hopefully I can catch some Z shaped balloon animals or gear ties or gummy worms or something idk
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Shine like a campfire on the darkest night of the year in the North Woods of Maine

Bad night of sleep. Paranoid and scared. The negative entity was watching me in the dark.

I have been sick for a week, had a flu (even if I was vaccinated). May be it was too cold in the room the day I had my freezing response and sat there.

For those who don't know: A freezing response is anxiety turned inward, very unpleasant.

This was not good in the start of what usually is the beginning of my yearly SAD period.

I feel empty for ideas about how to cope with my SAD after the flu. I will do a short repetition of my tools and then go out for a few groceries.

May be it's an an idea to push my "anger button": I WILL, I SHALL, I WILL overcome this: I am not so angry as my face-icon tells, but I try to feel the energy that anger can give. If it is something I need now, it is energy and the will to fight ...

So I finished my last ketamine infusion and things are not good. They have me complete an assessment before each session and my scores have gotten worse, not better.

So now I'll meet with the consulting psychiatrist to figure out if ketamine is for me.

I did have a delayed reaction after my first 4 infusions this past summer, so there's a chance that I'll see something similar now that I have finished 8 more infusions.

I'm already thinking of a next step...maybe ECT? rTms? Accept that I'll have to live depressed and anxious?

1 week down, 7 to go. So I'm filled with anxiety. I don't want it to get worse but I don't want to tell anyone either. They don't know h so they may think I'm in an abusive situation. Which I'm not. I got 7 weeks left to get this under control. Because of how my memory is I'll essentially be letting a stranger that I know I care for in the house (h). Until I get use to him again. I don't know how to deal with this and I have no therapist to talk to about it. I don't want to shove medicine at it. I don't even know how to tell pdocs. It'll be the first time I meet him. Everytime my dog barks my anxiety skyrockets. I'm still only getting out of bed to eat. H wants me to see a Dr because I've been speratically coughing so hard I get dark spots in my vision. Kinda like cigarette burns on a film. But I know I'm not in a film. I don't know how to explain it any other way. So I guess I'm loosing grip on reality but I'm taking my medicine. I just need to figure this out and not let it get worse.

I'm pretty down today. I'm trying my best. My pain was rough until I took a 3rd dramamine. I felt like I was going to throw up and my side was hurting and stuff. Now I feel better. Just depressed. I slept 12 hours last night. I'm ready just to take melatonin and call it a night really early. My mom sure seems to be living it up. Which I get she needs a break and stuff. I just wish I had a credit card so I could order some food. I'm hungry and I can't find much to eat.

Sorry for all the whining

Lol I just cride a little bit. I very rarely cry. Like maybe twice in 1.5 years? But just all the pain and frustration and uncertainty finally got to me.

I need to stop going out all night with friends and trying to forget everything that I'm feeling. I'm so exhausted and feel shameful the next day and my mom keeps trying to be supportive and understanding but I can tell I've been disappointing her and she wants me to do better. She's been telling me the past year how she doesn't like seeing me going through the same cycles because it's hard to watch me struggle so much and I don't like it either. But also it feels like I can't handle my impulsivity even though I think I have it under control because in the back of my mind I think it could be a lot worse but that doesn't mean that it's ok right now. I told her I would actually stop drinking and going out and that we could make an appointment together so that I could start taking medication again. I'm just so terrified of this change even though it's good change and that is super frustrating too.

I'm still mostly mildly depressed but a couple of times over the past few weeks i've had flickers of good feelings. Tonight it's so strong i'm actually feeling that it's kind of nice to be alive! I almost never feel this way. I had a spectacular game of Scrabble that i worked hard for, took a shower, and am now listening to my favorite tunes.

I'm feeling how nice it is to be older and accept myself. Like accepting that i don't like parties and staying away from the one i'm invited to tomorrow. I have the luxury to do as i please and not have to answer to anyone. Most people call it loneliness, but i call it solitude!

I'm also feeling better about the two times i got my heart broken. These things happened to ME, i feel, and they are MY experiences. I have them all to myself. I loved, and lost, and lived to tell about it!

Aces!

Ve been wondering where you were, good to hear from you. Glad the news is up.

My pdoc keeps giving me meds that fk me up worse than alcohol lol. Iloperidone had me falling down 3 times in 3 teeny doses so I stopped it and last night I just took my first dose of Belsomra and yeah, I got 5 hours of broken sleep which is probably better than I've ever gotten but first thing I do when I get up is face plant into a candle (unlit of course, but it did fall and the glass did break) that's certainly helping my face heal lol. I had to fix like 7 typos writing this too haha. Shyt I think my pdoc said if I wake up in the middle of the night to take another, not take a shower get some green tea get dressed and come on MFS

I'm gonn a bee a composa!

Sleep…

I have used this morning to clean the kitchen after my sick week. You know, when you have been so tired that you have put things in the first place you found and not in the dishwasher. After I have had a meal, I will go out to buy some medication I need and to buy groceries for the weekend. Tomorrow after Church time I will meet with some friends and chat.

Look forward to that!

I am sending good hopes and wishes for all of you for the weekend!

Pretty sure S just caught me purging. He went out for a bit so I thought I'd have time for a pint of ice cream half a box of cheerios and a hurly swirly. I made it to the hurly swirly bit, but I heard him knock once on the bathroom door and walk away so I think he knows.

Now taking bets on what he'll do next!!!
1. (what I think is most likely) make awkward conversation tiptoeing around the subject, like, "hey, uh, did you hear about so, and so? Apparently she's pretty sick. Like throwing up....you know, nevermind...."
2. (my fav) be passive aggressive about it
3. Outright mock me/make fun of me (doubt it, that's more of a parental unit thing)
4. Go into super overprotective mode (also incredibly likely) and watch me when I eat more than a couple bites and lock the bathroom doors and not leave me alone.
5. Have a genuine, honest conversation about it (HA! As if!)
6. Other? Specify

I would love to understand more about how SAD interacts with bipolar in the winter. I live in Florida and still am pulling out my lightbox this week to counteract some overcast etc stuff.

Had a couple thousand dollars worth of dental work yesterday. My mom had periodontal disease and I got it too. trying to keep the d**n teeth in my head. I guess it's all part of self care. Here for the holidays, will try to make it fun if I can.
Going home was a good move. I feel much more connected with myself and my previous life "up there." We always say that here in FL because technically everywhere else is "up north".

Well I went last night and my Uk wildcats won’t 101-67!

It’s Sunday morning and I have Monday morning blues already at the thought of going in to work tomorrow

I'm actually doing OK on the job front. Without getting too much in the nitty gritty, my company managed to renegotiate their contract with the people who make the phones I sell. In the short term, that means I get full time hours from now 'til the end of the year with them not particularly caring if I go over. I'm seriously considering asking for a ten hour shift on Black Friday.

For the long term, scuttlebutt is that full time positions are going to be created courtesy of the more generous contract and my boss has me at the top of her list!

All excellent news! So, why do I feel like the bottom is going to drop out? Not a rational thought, I know, but I can't completely shake it.

I got to play bingo for free and had a free lunch with drinks courtesy of wining one game. I had to share the pot or I would have come out $40 ahead. I’m glad I went. Was seriously thinking of not going. Just didn’t feel like it and was still so tired because I stayed up late watching beastman and relic hunter. Both episodes I hadn’t seen before, but oh,……so late. Why do they put all the good stuff on at 2am and nothing during the day or early evening?

People are giving me the side eye because I don’t go anywhere on Sundays. That’s my day off. I don’t get dressed I often don’t even put my hearing aids in. It’s my zone out day. I’m not giving it up. I need my day. The only thing I miss is having a tub to soak in for hours.

I have some strange deep red rash on my upper thigh. I just noticed it tonight after getting out of the shower. I texted a picture of it to my mom and she said it does not look fun and I should probably go to convenient care in the morning. Idk what it is. I don't think its shingles. It does feel warm. I haven't switched soaps or anything. Maybe I need bigger underwear or something

Eh if its not one thing its another. My stomach pain has remained pretty calm today. When it did act up this afternoon I managed to take a 1.5 hour nap to sleep off the pain.

My temp is 99.7. Idk if I should do something now. Like I literally just discovered this thing tonight.

...hours? don't you get scared?

Yes I used to spend hours in the tub on Sundays. I’d drain half the water out and turn on the hot water tap to refill it to keep toasty hot. I’d lay down so all of me was below water, I loved it. I was never scared. Except once in Texas there was some kind of bug that comes out every so many years and they get everywhere. One got into the bathroom. Fortunately my cat came in too and caught the bug,…and ew… ate it. I used to roll the small tv in and lay in the tub watching tv or reading. It was the ultimate get away.

ECT helped. I’m not 100% but definitely better. Bad thing is I bit my lip during treatment. I was fine before I went in but after my lip was all swollen and now I have a horrible scab. I’ve been telling people I tripped and fell into the wall. Only my immediate family knows about the treatments, I’m afraid I’d suffer heavy judgement if I told anyone else. ECT is misunderstood and lots of people would be surprised to know that I do it regularly. I actually decided to increase my schedule during the winter to every three weeks. That means I can’t take any days off work besides my ECT days or I will run out of PTO. Oh well. Hopefully I won’t get sick.

Today is CR’s birthday! Thirteen years old. We took him to the arcade with my MIL and her friend/housemate yesterday. He won 170,000 tickets! We go to this arcade bc you can trade your tickets for gift cards instead of just cheap junk. You can get cheap junk too but he likes the gift cards. He’s all hooked up for gift cards, everyone got him apple gift cards and he has about $150 now.

I’m a bit sad that he’s now thirteen but I’m handling it better than I thought I would. We have to get him an ice cream cake today and we’re taking him out with my mom for lunch. I bought him a new phone a week ago so I warned him he wouldn’t be getting any presents from us. He is fine with it. Now it’s almost time to start getting Christmas presents. God I hate wrapping presents!

Hugs to all who are struggling!

Happy birthday to CR! 🎂 they do grow up so fast don’t they!

So on Friday I did a super impulsive thing right. I went and got hair extensions. I’ll admit they look fabulous (if you saw my hair before - yuck!) BUT the amount I paid for them is shameful! Ughhh. And then there’s the maintenance. I have to have the rows pushed up every 6 weeks as my hair grows! So it’s not just a one off cost either. My partner really likes them but he has no idea how much I spent and I’ll never tell him. It’s boosted my self confidence because really I had crap hair before this so there’s at least that. And I wake up with dead straight hair because the extensions have no curls in them. I’ll try uploading a picture you can let me know what you think!