Bipolar Check-In #77

Hello, been awhile since I've posted in here. I'm doing good. My job is stressful as hell (retail) especially today I did an 8 hour 15 minute shift. I got 4 hours of sleep last night and left the house at 5:30am to get to work on time since I had to clock in by 6:45am since they open their doors 2 hours early black friday and today. To say it was busy is an understatement. It was non-stop lines. All day. I did recovery for the first couple hours cause it wasn't busy then but then it just exploded in customers. I think I did okay though. Considering I've only slept 4 hours in over 48 hours. And my manager was super happy with my recovery work, and how I organizzed the wallet endcaps and the hat and scarf aisle. They were both a huge mess with stuff all over but I got them looking super good and organized. I got an appreciation card from my manager. Basically they're these little cards like the size of business cards and they say thank you for etc that managers give out when employees do really good, theyre put in a bowl and every now and then there's a drawing and you can win a $5 gift card

I'm mostly doing good, just exhausted. Adn starting to feel sick. But otherwise I'm doing well. I still volunteer with the cats

So... I might have another health issue to add to my list. Been working today and all of a sudden (snap of the fingers fast), my back feels like someone jammed a knife into my kidneys. Middle of my back became doubled over painful.

One of my friends gave me four ibuprofen and even with the heavy dose, I still alternate between dull ache and sharp pain.

I really hope it's not stones!

Oh, yi yi yi . Just got informed that my grandson is positive for covid! Was just there yesterday!

For the second weekend in a row I had to call my pdoc's after hours number. Thursday, I started a steroid and an antibiotic. The primary care provider said these meds shouldn't affect my mood-what I did not know is that steroids can. I called my pdoc because my energy is WAY to high for how sick I am and I'm starting to get paranoid. I'm going to give a .5 mg increase (which is doubling my dose) of risperidone a try to see if that does the trick. I'm glad I called him so I can take this higher dose before taking my next does of the steroid tomorrow morning.

I think my health is getting worse, but the extra energy helped me get some stationary work done and start trying to find different resources to see if/when I qualify for getting help with finances and food since I don't get paid for time off at the moment.

On a happier note, I was able to video chat with some really good friends of mine, who live out of state, on Thanksgiving. It was really nice to see their faces while I talked with them!

I really cannot lose this control. The one thing I have control over. The one thing that gives me comfort. The one voice that feels like a friend even if he is a bit toxic. The one thing that makes me feel stronger.
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I hear IP/resi for eating disorders is NOT helpful. You get tricks from other patients, you resent the control being forcefully and completely taken away, it's basically just a competition amongst patients to see who can lose the most weight/gain the most weight/be the sickest/discharge the quickest (EDs are fueled on comparisons), most people relapse after they discharge, meal times can be--depending on where you are--downright traumatizing, etc. A while back when I was regular IP I was told I should get further eating disorder treatment, by my doc, but on an outpatient basis because of this.

Normal holiday blues I guess on my end. I feel lonely these days. I don't have energy to make friends and even if I did I'd end up going another year or so without wanting to put effort into maintaining said friendship. I am up a creek on that one I guess.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Husband sick. Daughter sick. I'm sick. Took a behind the counter Sudafed. Had no idea that could make you manic if you're bipolar. That's interesting. I certainly don't feel manic. Just sick and really out of it.

Thanksgiving went well. It was just me, my boys and my mother. Very low key. All the food came out good, even my first attempt at making gravy. It was a nice evening.

On Friday, I made a big step. I purchased myself a new car. Like, a brand new 2024 car. I’ve never had a brand new car and I never thought I’d be in the position to get one. The only reason I went with a new car vs pre owned is used car prices are so high right now that it was only like $2000 more for a new car so it made more sense. I was only able to do this because I searched unclaimed property months ago and found money under my first husband’s name. I put a claim in and forgot about it. Then last week I got a check in the mail for nearly $4k from an overpayment on one of my first husband’s medical bills. I figured that’s a good down payment on a car, and my current car was hovering at 147k miles. So, yes, I got a new one and it’s so fancy I’ll have to get used to it. I mean it’s not a fancy brand car but new cars have so much tech in them I’m not used to it and I’m just trying to figure it all out.

My brother canceled on getting together again. I wasn’t holding my breath, he hardly ever actually follows through with plans. It is hurtful, though. I know he has issues with our family but I personally never did anything to him that I haven’t already apologized for repeatedly. He claims he has no problem with me but I see him maybe three times a year and he lives ten minutes away. He just never has time for me but he has plenty of time for his wife’s family and their friends. Idk. I suppose I should just stop trying honestly. I’ll be like my dad’s family. We never saw them growing up bc my mom didn’t get along with my grandma. So as a result we’re just not close, I know they’re out there but I haven’t talked to any of them in years. That’s what it’ll be like with my niece and nephew. They won’t know us or their cousin and it won’t make any difference. Oh well.

I think Christmas is throwing me for a loop. I like Christmas now, but for a loooong time I absolutely hated it. I’ve had two nightmares so far about my dad who died over 25 years ago. One was so upsetting it kept me up for two hours in the middle of the night. I think I’m thinking too much is the issue. I’m just feeling down on myself and thinking things are too good to be true right now. I feel like the bottom is about to drop out. Because I don’t deserve this happiness and all the good things I have. Not sure how to tackle that mindset.

Sorry to hear about your sickness.

I do not use a certain OTC cough medication because it can make you manic. I have not tried: I am just avoiding it. Luckily I rarely get sick these days.

Have you received your flu vaccine this year?

idk, I'll discuss it with pdoc and cw tomorrow, with honesty. If 3/3 of my regular act people suggest it (1/3 already did) I'll try and get in, or IOP, or PHP, or whatever.

I took Sudafed regularly for a week while already manic and it didn't make it any worse. I have heard of people getting super manic though, so I guess your mileage may vary.

Oh, raspberry, I’m so sorry you’re sick and so is your family.

Wild flower child, congratulations! A new car is a great achievement. Yeah used car prices are ridiculous.

I had no idea! Wow! Yeah that doesn’t sound good.

Well my Fibromyalgia and PsA pain are ridiculous. I have spent most of the last few days in bed and tears off and on. Meh ! Hopefully I’ll catch a break once this cold front passes.

Sorry I’m just complaining it could be so much worse I know. Ugh !

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Today was really really rough pain and nauesa wise. These last 3 hours I've been perfectly fine but only because I've had a lidacaine patch right where the issue is.

Earlier I took a nausea med my pdoc told me not to take. But until you've expirenced this level of pain you have to just take what you have.

My blood pressure got to 134/97 but whatever. I felt like I needed to go to the ER for my pain and I see my doctor tommorow. I was trying to hold off.

My blood pressure is normal but my pulse is 112. I feel ok just slightly weird. Thats why I just took it now. I'm literally just lying down in bed listening to White Houses by Vannessa Carlton and starting to drift off.

Feeling crappy. 3.5 more weeks of work before summer vacation.
Taking my son to the paediatrician tomorrow. He’s been on a 10 month waiting list. It’s for an adhd assessment. I’ll be pissed off if we’re referred to a psychologist.

Gotta take my car to get a nail removed and tire patched.

Man I just woke up in a panic attack from sleeping past the time I take my Geodon. I ended up taking all my morning meds and a valium at the same time just to try to calm down.

I almost vomited in bed last night. I have no idea what was happening, I just remember waking up and running to the washroom!

I ultimately didn't throw up but it was touch and go for about 30 min.

I slept sitting up for the rest of the night, and had really intense and strange dreams. I woke up with major anxiety.

I'm sticking with the BRAT diet for today because of what happened. Just keeping things light.

For the first time since being diagnosed, I didn't take my morning meds until the afternoon-whoops! Not working has my schedule all thrown off, and adding meds from a PCP added to the mix.

I ended up calling my PDOC after hours again. Of course, shortly after the office closed, I started getting symptoms that made me worry (well, I'm still a little worried) about lithium toxicity-I started this med again the day before Thanksgiving. It's hard to know what is causing what because of how sick I've been but, I ended up calling him because yesterday my unsteady gate and occasional light headedness when moving to quickly turned in to getting dizzy sometimes, even when sitting. My nausea, which has been gone since the beginning of November, I have a nasty headache (I never get those), and tremors that make me focus a little more to get my hands to work properly. I'm also SUPER thirsty, but I know that's a general symptom of lithium.

He said I can skip it tonight and wants me to call the office tomorrow so he can look over my chart. I also need to touch base with my boss about the short term disability process-I really hope this gets approved so I can have at least a little bit of income.

I have an inspection coming up tomorrow. I spent the day cleaning. It’s a small apartment and there’s not that much that needs deep cleaning or anything but with my back I need to take frequent breaks. The hall, then a break, the living room, then a break then the bedroom a break. Plus I didn’t get started til after lunch. I just had no energy. But it got done and I’m showered. There’s just making my bed in the morning and I’m ready. I’ll probably have to wait all day as they are starting on 8th floor. But I feel good about getting it done.

I'm in the city for my 6 month breast scans and doctor (for those who haven't memorized my life I was diagnosed as high risk for breast cancer a year ago and every 6 months have a mammogram, MRI and usually an ultrasound.). I'm nervous even though by now I know that the worst that happens is they need to biopsy something and that's not a big deal. It's not fun but it's not that bad.


I just wish it were over. For some very stupid reason I scheduled things earlier in the day that I'm used to being awake and I'm very nervous about waking up in time for my shuttle tomorrow. This is one of the rare days I wish I drank caffeine. I'm also stressed because the room clock in the hotel won't let me turn the alarm on. I've got my phone and my mom is going to call me to be sure I'm up but ack. I'm sure nerves will get me up just fine but they may also make falling asleep hard too. I'm listening to a cold wind blowing outside and am so thankful for this warm room.


More tomorrow.....

Ooo I hope you wake up ok. That’s an issue for me too so I understand. Good luck tomorrow.

Good job! I hope it goes well.

My stomach issue is called diverticulitis. I have it on my right side and its normally on the left side in people. When it is on your right side its a lot more painful. Sounds about right. I'm still waiting to hear back from the surgeon. I saw my kidney doctor yesterday and he did bloodwork. He was nice and took me seriously and didn't yell at me about all the advil I took during the summer. He just said I shouldn't have done it.

I have an at home health vIsit with a nurse from my insurance company tommorow. I hate doing those things. But they are giving me a $100 Walmart gift card. My mom said it might only be able to be used at the pharamacy, but I mean, lidacaine patches are expensive.

My panic attack yesterday morning was gone by the time the Geodon and valium got to my system.