Bipolar Check-In #77

I'm worried about you, muddyboots! If you're suicidal have you considered going to the ER? Maybe you need an IP stay.

*hugs*

I did go for the walk, but this has been a crappy day, with the one happening after the other. On the top of it all I found an e-post about that I am going to have a surgery tomorrow.

Well, I have to go early to bed tonight.

The local psych ward told me to stop going to the ER every time I feel like I might kill myself because it happens too often.

I'm doing OK I guess -- trying to find projects to keep me busy.

On a side note, permanently blocked any contact with my ex. Not that communication was common, but something has come up yet again that is perverse in nature with the new husband of my ex trying to make something happen between the three of us and I need to have nothing to do with it. A year ago, I couldn't take the permanent step to keep them out of my life, but now I can, and did. I'm glad I took that step.

I'm 28 hours quit of Coke Zero. It hasn't been hard because i poisoned myself on it so badly recently, the bad memory of it is fresh. Thanks for the support @raspberrytorte. Glad caffeine pills and green tea are working out for you. I can't take caffeine pills, i found out today. Congratulations on your good day yesterday. Trying means accepting that mistakes will happen. This is my third attempt to quit in three months. I didn't think it would be this hard.

I was more active outside today with my dog and my quads are sore already. I ate veggies twice today, when i haven't had any in weeks. I'm getting a bit tired of the same problems all the time, trying to eat healthy and exercise. Isn't there more to life?

I played and studied Scrabble just to get away from my thoughts. It was fun!

It was a beautiful Fall day again, and we just have a few left. Cold weather is on the way. We start the week in shorts and finish it in toques!

@June08 I’m so sorry about your breakup. He wasn’t worth it anyway. I agree with nammu, relationships are for better and worse, not just the happy side of things. It’s better that you found out now, and it’s good that he was honest about it. You will find someone who understands. I lucked out and found two people who understood and wanted to marry me anyway (my first husband died). My current husband is a great man and you will find that too.

@MuddyBoots

I’m sorry you are struggling so much. I do hope things improve for you, you don’t deserve all this pain and suffering.

I haven’t been here in a couple of days so I apologize to everyone I haven’t responded to, just know I’m thinking of everyone here and sending positive vibes.

I’ve been feeling strange recently and I wonder if it’s because I stopped the propranolol and lexapro. I’m not depressed, but I’m not 100%. I’m feeling very self conscious, like everyone hates me at work. Like I’m just not doing a good enough job. I feel like I need to prove myself this year since my review last year said I needed to work on my attendance. I still don’t think that was entirely fair because I had medical notes for all my absences. But my point is I feel like no one except my teacher likes me. I feel like I have to actively engage with my coworkers, that if I didn’t say anything I’d be completely ignored. Idk why I’m having such thoughts.

I’m also mildly anxious in general, talking to strangers in stores and stuff. Been using self checkout a lot. I haven’t gotten gas yet because I’m anxious about talking to the attendant (here in NJ we can’t pump our own). But when I’m home I’m perfectly fine. I’m still active, still talking to my boys, not isolating too much. I really don’t know.

I don’t really want to restart the meds bc of how low my heart rate drops in propranolol. I suppose I could restart lexapro, It was more an experiment really to see if I really needed it since I’m on the lowest possible dose. I figured what’s the point, it can’t be doing anything. But maybe it was? I think the increased anxiety is because of propranolol, but I’m just too nervous to take it.

Today was another day I didn’t go to mahjong. I think it’s been two months since I’ve gone? It got to be more a chore than fun, I guess. I did go to the library, like I thought would happen three of my books on hold all came available at the same time. So I had one put back and have two to get though in three weeks. Both are fast reads though.

I went downstairs this afternoon and talked to a lady who also gos to poker night here at the apartments and movie afternoons. She talked me into trying bingo. I’ve tried bingo before but could never hear well enough. I sat in front and could see the caller well and did great. Even won a game. The comradeship is good. Lots more people at bingo than poker but a fun group. Gets me out of my apartment. I’ve got to admit I’m very glad I got in here. The apartment is tiny but the social situation is great and it’s centrally accessible to so much.

Tomorrow is my day with my daughter. She’s going to make salmon, mm one of my favorites, for us to eat as we watch Stranger Things. She plans to take a couple months off before going back to work. Give us a chance to get to know each other better as I wasn’t fully available for her growing up. Fortunately she has mostly good memories despite a nomadic lifestyle. I have a lot to be thankful to my mum for that.

We're f'd. Just hope my daughter's financial aid petition goes through fast. We ordered drinks because we don't have enough money for gas. So no getting to food banks. Just have to survive on what we have for 2 weeks. We have to put in her application into school, switch car the over and who knows what will come up this month. Plus it's my husband's birthday month. His family wants to see him but they know nothing about my daughter transitioning yet because they'll cut ties. Then I'm stressed because Christmas is 2 months away and I have nothing yet. But judging from the fact we can't even get to a food bank that doesn't matter but I'm still stressed about it. I'm going to go smaller kids to bigger people for Christmas this year I guess. This sucks so bad. I feel like a failure that I can't seem to get ahold of bills/food expenses. That's my one job to keep my family afloat. And I can't do that.

Ugh. I'm so tired of being fat! I'm uncomfortable. I'm hot. I'm pissed off. I can't believe I used to whine about being fat when I weighed 130lbs! I can't believe I used to complain when I weighed 150lbs! I'd do anything to weigh 150 again. I'm trying. I take daily walks. I do my sit-ups. I watch what I eat. I stopped drinking soda. WHY am I still so ****ing FAT?!

Sorry had to vent. Lol.

I see the bariatric surgeon in the morning. Well see what they say!

I just had unexpected bill from the power and gas company. And I just replied to an email so they can send me forms to do with the bipolar study I’m in. It’s my 15th year. They will pay me what I just paid for the extra bill. Man I hate money!

I'm still coming down on clozapine. I had labs drawn for the level today so hopefully we're getting close to the safe zone. I am having a hard time adjusting to this; I'm having migraines/headaches pretty close to 24/7. I have taken so much ibuproferon and it only holds the pain back for a little bit.

I remember having migraines in the hospital when I was going on this but not so intense.

@raspberrytorte , I'm having weight loss frustration too. I don't feel well enough to exercise which is part of it but it seems like the more weight I lose the harder the next pound is. I really had hoped to be down 10 lbs more than I am by now. And for some reason the last 2 days I've been hungry all the time. I'll figure it out but it is very frustrating.

I really am such a nerd for antiquity -- when my great aunt died I inherited a typewriter -- fully functional and I changed the ribbon to play with it years ago and had it stowed away. Got that bad boy out and been playing with it-- still works like a charm! Have the case, original paperwork and everything. I understand why people collect these things, they're pretty dang awesome. This specific typewriter is a 1967 model of the Webster XL-500 series by Brother. I will have to find some use for it, somewhere. (Fun fact, the original warranty says it was delivered 12-25/67, so maybe it was a Christmas present?) -- Anyway, I know this isn't really the place to gush about stuff like this , but do you guys collect things or have fond affiliations to things in days gone by, or even things like hobbies? My grandpa was a huge coin collector.

My granny actually still has a Royal typewriter she got as a wedding gift (or a graduation gift?) in the 1950s.

I took propranolol this morning. I woke up with chest pain and a heart rate of 129. Maybe I should contact my dr to ask him if the low heart rate while on it is a concern.

@raspberrytorte
I feel your frustration with weight gain. I just came off a week long binge because I was so mad about not losing weight despite healthy eating and exercising regularly. I’ve come to terms with the fact that focusing on a number is no good for me. I’m back on the healthy eating horse and I think I will make different, non weight related goals, such as doing my strength training 3x a week no matter what. Or keeping bingeing in check for a whole week. I think that will be better for me.

Good luck with your weight loss journey, it’s very frustrating but we just have to do the best we can!

I’m feeling so lousy today. I’m trying to put mind over matter and pull myself up and keep moving but this terrible cough coming off of COVID is kicking my tail. I had some more medicine called in yesterday and it’s not working. The doctor can’t see me until tomorrow. In the meantime, I’m hacking up a lung and can’t keep food or water down. What a nuisance!

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Hey Brentus - yeah I'm into collecting old money, but not just coins but paper money too. I have mint condition Canadian $1 and $2 bills and a whole bunch of interesting coins and bills (like printing/striking errors, special serial numbers, special editions, etc).

I haven't added to the collection for the past few years, but I do occasionally go through the collection when I'm feeling really low.

It is easy to think that one isn't good enough. If you are used to CBT, please use the techniques to overcome these self degrading thoughts. We can all feel so and so from time to time. Sometimes we are not able to fight them (even with CBT. To sit in a good chair in the evening with a cup of hot chocolate and cream helps me when I feel that I don't fit in.

Good luck to you!

I am glad you are able to get out of the apartment to meet others and have fun. I am too much alone for the time being. The moving took time and I still need to use time on the unpacking. I try to share my time between the unpacking and my walks. Physical activities are the platform for my health both physical and mentally for me. I have much tiredness to cope with (asthma and more), so I need to do what is most necessary. Happily we have some celebrations in my family in the nearest future and soon I will have enough condition to join my hiking group again. Look forward to that!

Good luck to you!

Hope you become better soon!

Yesterday was not good and this morning gave me a shock. I was running around in the house early this morning because of my appointment with the hospital. When I came out of the kitchen and into the living room, a cabinet with a front in glass did loose from the wall. Nice old drinking glasses (more than 100 years old) crushed. So did other nice things included a 50 year old decanter my husband and I bought in Italy as well.

Ohhhh ...

Well, at least nobody became hurt. We cannot brig with us "things" out of this life anyway.

At the hospital they researched how much they had to cut, so I will get another appointment for the surgery.

Just wish I could sleep at night. 3:00am is not the time to get out of bed every day!

Hey hey hey Everyone !

I have been just busy with life and needing a break from the forum.

Expecting 60’s over the weekend so Fall is trying to “ Fall “ so exciting.

Hope everyone is doing as good as possible.

Hopefully I can be more present here again.

Hugs friends

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Hey! Yourself. Hope you had a nice break.