Bipolar Check-In #77

I called on-call. 3 times. No answer, no return call. Then I called my case manager and she picked up and told me to scream into my pillow, punch it a bunch, and go for a bike ride She has like 20 flavors of chamomile tea. I've been sipping on the vanilla since I woke up since I kinda wanna go back to bed.

Am sorry MoodyBoots! I hope you wiil ovecome your crisis either it is by the help of professionals or by a bike ride. I am not joking with you. I know how hard ot is to live with SI thoughts! What I am trying to say is that if the help from a crisis team is missing, you need to do something about it yourself. Nobody else will ...


Many of us have been there and overcome it. So can you, step by step, even if it is in slow motion.

Don't let the systm beat you! Please fight!

@Soupe du jour Take the time you need to make your decision. Sometimes decisions are difficult to make.

I am for the time being trying to stay out of the forum. I need to keep all my focus on "The Upward Spiral", a neuroscience book that seems to be the right help for me.

I’m taking things day by day right now. I ask myself what’s the next right move frequently and remind myself of things to be grateful for. I will get through this. The whole thing is making me stronger and more resilient.

I told mom I had to get out of the house last night and we hadn’t had dinner so off we went at 8:00 pm. I had the best bourbon glazed salmon with steamed broccoli and baby carrots from Cheddars and a strawberry slush with real strawberries added from Sonic. It was good stuff and helped to change my mental state.

Tonight is grief recovery class. Everyone is so supportive and loving. We text back and forth on a group text frequently throughout the day. It’s so helpful.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

I took the gabapentin and slept soooo well. I woke at 7 but decided not to get up rolled right into another good dream of friends and shopping. Pretty sure all the shopping dreams were because I bought a phone last night on prime.

I’ve needed a new phone but am so overwhelmed by the selection. All I need is a good basic phone. So I googled consumer reports and bought the best value phone on Amazon which was a prime day buy. But still I’m not used to buying expensive stuff. So hence, dreams of shopping and finding bargains! In my dreams I bought art supplies. Wonder if that is a sign?

I feel so relaxed and mellow. Gosh sleep is wonderful stuff, wish I could do it every night.

Chocolate chip Cookies all around. And mini Halloween candies too. 🎃

I slept last night for 12 hours. It was great. I just had one melatonin and I didn't listen to my music. Cutting out coffee has helped a lot. I know I was pretty hungover yesterday from the Dramine. I swear my issues are just like lifestyle issues and other stuff that can be dealt with in therapy. Both mental health therapy and physical therapy. I just need to eat better and work out and watch less news and get out of the house more. Cutting out coffee was step one. That has majorly helped my stomach issues. I seem to have my sleep mostly under control now too. I haven't had a bad night in awhile. I ordered a smart watch yesterday from Prime that is coming today. Just those few changes are making a difference. I just need to start eating better and find better entertainment while I'm at home than watching CNN nonstop.

So the doctor said my weakness and fatigue IS med related, since all of my bloodwork came back normal and he said there's nothing physically wrong with me that he can see. He said hes not comfortable titrating me off loxapine because hes not my psychiatrist. My pdoc said he wants me to stay on all my meds until my next appointment with him, which is November 22nd! Called the nurse line and got on the cancelation list since he doesn't have any sooner appointments available.

It's just getting worse every day! It's becoming intolerable. I'll go on ****ing prolixin again for the time being. I don't really care. This is serious. I can barely walk to the door without feeling like I'm dying! We went grocery shopping yesterday to buy stuff for my daughter's birthday party (she turned twelve) and just walking around the store was challenging. This is NOT normal!!!

Wow that sounds hard. I get days I’m fatigued from lack of sleep I couldn’t imagine being that fatigued for days on end. That’s too bad because you said otherwise the med was helping. Darn side effects.

Well I had my endoscopy. I have hiatal hernia, gastritis and a stomach polyp

Oof that’s a lot! I hope having the diagnosis will help you get the proper treatment and hopefully you’ll feel better soon.

I feel like I'm starting to have an exisitenial crisis from this situation. I turned off the news today after it got to be too much when they were talking about babies and toddlers. Everyone in the stores I went to looked sad and concerned and people were being nice and stuff to each other. My pdoc told me the Russian Ukraine war was possibly the end of the world. My mom says things will be ok but will it really.

I have a cousin who lives in Isreal. My dads side of the family cut ties after my dad died. So I have no idea if shes ok or not.

It's helping a lot. I can write like crazy and not go psychotic (well, write when I'm not depressed that is I guess).

I don't know. I think I'm going to see if I can get in to see a different pdoc since November 22nd is so far away! I don't think I can stand this feeling for that long. I know. Boo ****ing hoo. Unfortunately my pdoc is pretty much retired and only works on Wednesdays until six.

IF you’re so fatigued that you can’t function then yes, it is a big deal. Maybe a different pdoc would be a good idea, sounds like yours is going to retire soon?

I hope your Pdoc is willing to couple the lithium with something. I took it for years and did not feel helped until I coupled it with Lamictal. Now it is a whole new game. I know the medication merry go around. I did it for years. My heart goes out to you. Many docs still consider lithium the gold standard. It was the only thing that could pull me out of a prolonged manic episode.

Hey hey it’s Friday!

I’m
Worried sick about the
World

I slept another 12 hours. I slept until 9AM. I felt really good all day. I've gotten by with just 1.5 valiums. I think because I slept in so late and I took my morning meds at 9AM instead of 1AM. I'm still doing good without the coffee. I'm drinking 2 cans of Mountain Dew a day instead. Today I didn't have any stomach pain or nausea. I stopped listening to music at night which was a good thing to do. I didn't watch the news today and I'm back to in person therapy which went well.

My smart watch is great. It does everything. I can get texts and notifications and stuff but it also checks my heart rate and my stress level and its a fittness tracker. I get the weather too. It was easy to set up and pair with my phone but I had to order a wall charger. It was charged enough to use today.

I am having some pain and bleeding. Kinda felt like something tore last night while I was using the bathroom. But I'm trying to ignore it and still just focus on life style changes.

Ugh something gross was in my melatonin bottle. They are supposed to be chewable kinds but this one wasn't. I had to spit it out on my bed since I had to get rid of it fast. Then I had to rinse my mouth out a bunch of times with water. It looked like the other melatonins. Wtf. I don't think it did anything. Probably just a regular melatonin accidently put in with the chewable kinds.

Had a lovely COVID scare today. Woke up achy with a slight bit of congestion. I wasn't going to worry too much about it (Take some Advil, Aleve, something and head off to work.), but I soon realized I couldn't taste my breakfast. Can't really ignore the stereotypical COVID symptom. Also, when I had COVID before, that's what I noticed.

Good news: It wasn't COVID this time. Bad news: There's about three other possible reasons for my lack of taste. Could be garden variety flu. Could be related to the tooth abscess I dealt with a few weeks ago. Could be medication related. Fantastic.

Well, one catastrophe at a time I guess. Catching respiratory illnesses seems to be my body's specialty. No COVID, thank goodness, but here's hoping I just have a "flash in the pan" type of flu as I call it. I don't want to miss another day of work if I can help it.

Friday the 13th Ohhhhh
Going on a bike ride tomorrow and have made plans to camp next week at my spot up north. All good as I am unemployed and on my phone way too much. I have been getting headaches now. Deleted the problem apps this morning. I worked way too hard on getting my little brain back on track to knowingly hurt myself. Hugs all around!

I relate to this a lot.

Also, let the 13th be safe - we're waining at 1% illumination though which is interesting. New moon tomorrow morning

Today I go over to my daughter’s to celebrate my grandson’s birthday. I’m not looking forward to it as the day is rainy and I have to drive on the interstate to get there. It’s not till after school. So only a couple of hours before dark and I don’t like driving in the dark. So I’m taking a miss on the pizza.

Pizza sound good. Can’t remember the last time I had some since I now live alone. I can only eat one piece. Maybe some night I’ll buy pizza for the poker group? There’s 6 of us, I’m sure we can eat pizza without leftovers. Even when mum was here we had a hard time eating a pizza before it went bad. I miss the cities because they had places you. Could get just a slice of pizza to go. That was perfect.

Took a gabapentin last night and got a good nights sleep, between that and no sun this morning I sleep late. Sir didn’t wake me for his breakfast! So I’m alert for the drive!

Really struggling today. At work and really want to go home and lay down. Nothing feels real. People keep asking me what's wrong, and I wish they'd stop.

I've been so stable for a couple years, and I just feel like everything is crashing.

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I’ve been exhausted all
Day.
Ugh

I NEED to see my pdoc this coming week but I don’t have much leave left from work. Takes me 1.5 hours to get there …. So I’d basically have to take the day off work.

My insomnia is so bad. For days I’ve been up and out of bed at 1:00am. It’s not sustainable. I try 10mg melatonin but it’s like eating lollies. Does nothing. Unfortunately I think I’ll have to go back on seroquel as a short term measure. I think he was hoping that the Abilify I started in the morning would alleviate my nerves and enduce sleep.

I’m not due to see him until December but I can’t cope with this it’s agonising.