Bipolar Check-In #77

I was so nervous driving to my daughters today. It’s raining and I have to drive 30 minutes on the interstate. People are always speeding. And today was Friday so rush hour traffic on the drive over. It was a white knuckle drive. I don’t know, I think I became a nervous driver after my accident about 10 years ago. It was crazy I was just driving down the interstate it was winter but clear and dry, all the sudden my car went out of control and spun out, taking out trees as I slid down an embankment. So now driving makes me nervous especially in bad weather.

But the good news is that my grandson loved his presents. Even the Bob Ross socks that I got him as a gag gift.

Made it home just before dark.

Second night this week I needed an AP PRN.

My significant other is against self medication and encourages me to ask my psych first. I just know, although the depression will effect her, she's never seen me manic and the "zest for life" is not always only that.

Nothing much going on. I know I’m keeping busy but it feels like I’m missing chunks of time daily. This has happened before so I’m not alarmed about it. It’s just annoying.

Just had the eclipse here and it was very underwhelming.

Ok back to a Diamond art I’m doing for my daughter.

Hugs !

I will try to be more present and supportive here

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

@Exoskeleton. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's such a tough spot to be in...It sounds like we're in a similar boat-although, I just started lithium this week so don't know how it's going to go yet. My pdoc essentially went back to the drawing board and prescribed me this because, even though my last pdoc did, he wants to see if it could help now. @Sophia23 mentioned combining it with lamictal-lamictal is one of the meds I'm on and, despite the constant med change routine I continue to be on, lamictal was still a game changer. And, it is one of the rare meds I've managed to get to the needed dose without any side effects. I hope you can find the relief you are looking for soon!

I was able to go to a fundraising event for a local group that runs a mental health retreat and does other things to support mental health in the area. I ran into a few people who were on the retreat I attended so it was nice to catch up with them.

Being on lithium is interesting. I'm definitely functioning better, but feel like the med is masking my symptoms more than helping with them. Often times, my brain realizes it is in distress, but cannot tell me what that distress is. I feel at least somewhat hollow and/or disconnected to what is going on with my emotions most of the time. It's almost like I'm an outsider looking in and trying to study what is going on emotionally. I've also noticed some occasional, minimal wobbliness when I walk, my face flushing, increased thirst, and occasional muscle twitching. None of this is too distressing though. I'm curious what my blood levels will look like next week.

It’s rainy and 50 here. Dreary! Gray skies. Fwb came over- it was a so-so visit. I couldn’t sleep again and was up until 5 a.m. finishing the book I got Monday. My last book came Thursday and I picked it up today. Looking forward to starting it. N3 has cleaning and homework to do this weekend so I won’t have seen him in over a week- assuming we get together next week sometime.

I'm doing ok. I haven't gotten out of bed but is it a crime to spend a day in bed? My endocronlogist says I have uncontrolled depression. I'm not saying I'm not depressed. I think it would be weird if people weren't depressed right now with all the stuff about the war. But I don't think its uncontrolled and my mom doesn't think so either. Mood wise I'm just tired and anxiety wise I'm handling things well even if I'm on edge. But again, what normal person isnt a bit on edge right now. Overall I think I'm fine. I'm sleeping much better at night and I kicked the coffee habit which has made it possible for me to go down on my valium.

It's been a weird week, y'all.


I'm really needing to get my life back into gear -- get back into therapy, get to the doctor to be able to get all my meds... I need to help myself out. I just don't have much of the energy or want to fight to make it happen, is that horrible or what? I have no social supports in place to help me and those who should be helpers, are hinderers... It's a mess.

On another note I am spending most days sleeping away the day so I'm not experiencing a lot of life, but no drama either! My current mood says "meh, we'll take it." I'm in that strange place where I just want to be in bed, I can't even play videogames or watch TV and feel at ease. I just want to sleep. I don't think I'm depressed, but maybe I'm just trying to convince myself. I am taking my bipolar meds still.

Nothing really else to say -- Hope everyone is doing well.

I’m
Struggling.

Can
I
Really do
This?

So I found an art program that has a scholarship but it's from 9:30-4:30 weekdays + homework for a year. I don't know if I can do that. I want to learn but I'm unsure I can do that commitment. H says try for it. I'm unsure. I have until February to decide.

Not for the first time I've come to the realization that no medication is going to fix me. My experience with medication is that it pulls me out of a crisis (and obviously, that's really important and a really big deal). But that's all it does. So, if my level of mental and emotional suffering is at a 10/10 during a crisis, medication pulls me back to maybe a 7 or 8/10. So, that's obviously better than crisis level. But it's still a long way away from where I'd ideally like to be. For many years now I've been stuck in this cycle of having a crisis, changing my medication, coming out of the crisis, but then nothing changes. I just plod along feeling pretty bad but not 10/10 bad. And then, at some point, there's another crisis. And I change meds and then the whole thing starts all over again. I know that what i really need to do is use those periods in between having a crisis to really make some changes in my life. And yet, I just can't seem to do that.

I don't mean to be cryptic. There's nothing really terrible about my life. There's nothing terrible about it at all. But at the same time, my world has become very small. I'm pretty withdrawn socially. My suffering is 99% internal though, unresolved emotional stuff, some past trauma , obviously the mood swings, the depression and anxiety etc etc.....

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I guess it's because I recently started another new medication - Lithium - and although I can tell that it's helping me, it's only helping me a modest amount. And I can sense I'm drifting back into that place of plodding along and not addressing some things in my life that I really need to address and some changes I really need to make. I keep hoping I'm going to find a medication that will magically give me the motivation to tackle some difficult emotional problems. But there is no medication that can help me with that. I have to make some changes myself. I've had so much therapy and we always get to this point where the therapist says it's up to me to make some changes. And that is true. Why can't I do that? I feel so frustrated with myself.

Its like the song Try by Pink "you gotta get up and try try try."

I've been going outside more and walking more to increase my happiness. I'm enjoying it. I often see neighbors out with their dogs, so that's a little socialization, too. Still struggling with the Coke Zero habit though. When thoughts of shameful things i did while hypomanic attack me i fight back with, "I am a good person who sometimes has bad judgement due to bipolar." Diabetics sometimes have bad judgement if their sugars get out of whack. I don't think they are "stupid idiots." It's the same thing.

Hugs all around!

****************************************************************

Mountaindewed, congrats on kicking coffee!

@JaneOnceMore

You said before that caffeine pills don't work for you... What happened when you took one? Did it make you sick or anxious?

You CAN kick the coke zero habit! Stay strong! I was a ten coke zero a day person and managed to kick the habit (with the help of caffeine pills and green tea though). Does tea make you sick? I try not to drink coffee either because it makes me anxious.

Coke zero is the nectar of the gods!

@raspberrytorte:

Congrats on kicking the Coke Zero habit! Bravo!

Caffeine pills give me diarrhea and i dislike green tea. I'm not keeping any Coke Zero in my apartment, but there is a convenience store in my building, so it's still just an elevator ride away.

Also, my life is pretty empty, so i'm not eager to subtract one of the few pleasures i have. The convenience store has limited hours so buying it on-demand, one serving at a time, is working okay. It's drinking it first thing in the morning that was causing the most trouble so keeping it out of the apartment solves that. It also prevents binge-drinking.

It's not ideal, but i had to settle for harm reduction with benzos too and it's still worthwhile.

The improvements I was slowly gaining since starting lithium on Tuesday have completely disappeared. The smallest thing put me into a complete rage yesterday and I haven't been able to shake it. If anything, it's just getting worse.

For this reason, I'm thinking about taking tomorrow off of work and calling my pdoc to see if he'd consider (if he has the ability to do this) writing a note for me to give my boss to get me out of an overnight field trip commitment I have coming up. I have no desire to have this kind of conversation with my boss, and am terrified if/how my boss might look at me/my ability to work at the school differently because of this. Stigmas about this stuff suck.

At the same time, if I'm not doing better by the time of the trip, I'm worried I won't be able to keep myself together or handle whatever challenges come up (even if minor) while on the trip. Or, what if my symptoms get worse while I'm there and I can't get to his office, my counselors office, and/or the pharmacy (depending on what might be needed).

It's just so hard to know what to do...

I'm really sorry you are going through this. What dose of Lithium are you on? I also started Lithium quite recently, but not as recently as you. I've been on it about 7 weeks now. It's quite the rollercoaster ride for me too. I did start at a very low dose - 150 mg - because I was worried about side effects. I'm still only taking 300 mg, but I'm about to increase to 450 mg. I have been all over the place on it so far, ranging from, wow, this is really helping me, to, I need to get off this drug right now. Currently I'm in the middle of those two extremes and I do want to stay on it a while longer, and I really hope that, once I get to a good dose for me, it will keep me stable. I do worry a lot about side effects though. I'm already having some side effects even at a low dose......I should add, I also take an SSRI (Zoloft).

I guess my point is, I've been on Lithium 7 weeks and I still feel I'm only at the very beginning of learning how this medication is going to effect me. So it's still really, really early days for you too.

I also found that Lithium increased my irritability and rage at the beginning. I even wondered if it was making me hypomanic. I found it really energizing, but not necessarily in a good way. That has worn off now and it definitely isn't making me more angry anymore. Anger is one of my big issues so I can't be on something that makes me more angry!

I think that because you have only been on it a very short time, there is still definitely hope that things will even out. Definitely if you are able to take a little time off work and certainly if you are able to get out of the overnight trip, that sounds like a really good idea. I would definitely call your pdoc. I agree that the stigma sucks. But perhaps you don't have to give your boss the exact reason for taking time off? I don't know, but could you just have a generic "illness" and leave it at that?

Wishing you all the best!!

We spent the weekend in PA and we had no service in our cabin. It was SO nice not to have a phone to mindlessly scroll through for once! an electronic free weekend. Haven’t had that in years! And CR couldn’t use his phone either so we actually talked. Sometimes it’s nice to be in the middle of nowhere!

We went to the PA renaissance faire but it was terrible. It was pouring the whole time and only 48 degrees. I was soaked through. I think it would have been fun were it dry and warmer. We’re going to try to go again next year but in September. I really thought if it was raining we’d do something else but RS’s family didn’t want to waste the money they spent on tickets. I would have gladly coughed up the money if it meant we could have been dry and warm somewhere! We went to Hershey’s chocolate world today though and that was fun. I also got some Amish baked goods. Sticky buns and apple bread. Good stuff!

I’m taking off from work on Tuesday. CR has his follow up for his broken pinkie and I had to get him an eye appointment too because he busted his glasses AGAIN. We’re going to America’s best so he’ll get two pairs and I’ll hold on to one of the pairs for him. We used to go to the office my mom worked at but since she’s retired now I don’t want to go back there. Super expensive when you don’t get the employee discount! Im planning on doing everything chores wise on Tuesday since we weren’t home all weekend. Lots of cleaning needs to be done. RS is home tomorrow waiting for our new fridge (we thought ours broke - turns out it was just left open all day and CR chose not to mention it until we’d already gone out to buy a new one!) so he’ll probably get some chores done tomorrow.

My social anxiety is still high but I’m handling it. I think it’s probably from going off the micro dose of lexapro but it’s not unmanageable, just annoying. So I’m going to stay off the med. I’m still on four. Had to add the propranolol back because my tachycardia returned. Oh well. I’m going to try to cut my seroquel down to 50mg again. Now that I’m active all day and exercising after work, I think I’ll be tired enough at night to sleep on just 50mg like I was when I was working ESY over the summer. I find it very difficult to wake up in the morning right now. It was so much easier on 50mg. I’m gonna give it a shot and see how it goes.

I kinda was just like "eff it" if my doctor says I have uncontrolled depression I need to do something about it. So I got out of bed and took a shower for the first time since Thursday and went to my sisters for dinner. I don't even come out of my room when they are over let alone ever go to their house. My brother in law made a couple kinds of weird soup and I had a small bowl of each. He thanked me for coming since they have noticed I haven't been around much. I guess? I feel better. Honestly I still just feel like puking my guts out from nausea but I just took my Geodon so we'll see. I'm going on an overnight trip tommorow. Nothing exciting. Hotels have become a drag lately. My brother always snores and watches TV and Youtube until 1AM. But whatever. Then we get our house painted and fixed up on Wednesday and that will take about 2 weeks. Then that brings us to Thanksgiving and another 2 days of traveling and hotels. I used to like excitement like this. Maybe I really am just depressed.

I still need the forum. My wish has been to stay out of it, to make it on my own, but that is not easy.

I am not good to live with guilt for not being grateful enough to my mother, not saying the right "things" in the right moment and so on. Yesterday that happened again. I did have an other opinion than my mother and told her so. (She told me a message that in the same time was her message about how we do things and then added something as if it was my fault that it was done otherwise).

I felt guilty when I went to bed yesterday and guilty this morning. Even if I try to use my CBT tools, I still struggle with the feeling of not being good enough and I have thoughts of likewise meaning.

I came here this morning because I felt I needed a door into others who suffer. Something about shared suffering ...

I went years to therapy and became supported on that my mothers way of relating to me was not the best one. And still I suffer in this relationship (from time to time).

I see that I wrote "from time to time". That means that "things" have become better. To see that helps a bit.

What I need to do now to try to overcome this guilt feeling is the following: Go to the bathroom for he morning hygiene, then eat something and then read in the Neuro-science book and repeating the CBT tools before I dress and run out of the house to start the day (get a kick start to help my mind to focus on something else).

Thank you for reading!

@June08 and @Exoskeleton

My experience is that meds only do parts of the job and that we need to learn some coping strategies to live our lives to the fullest.

I have found "The Decider Skills for Self Help: CBT and DBT skills to increase resilience, coping and confidence" by Michelle Ayres and Carol Vivyan very helpful. May be that book or some other book may be helpful to you as well ...

The mentioned book can be downloaded as an app if you want to. Look into Amazon for description if you find this interesting.

Ugh. I need to STOP ABUSING MY SEROQUEL!!! I'm getting really frustrated with myself. I love it. I hate it. I want to stay on it, yet I don't. I wish I could make up my ****ing mind!!! For the love of Pete! F you seroquel!!!!

Today I broke. If I had jumped into my plan this morning, I am sure things would have become better, but I didn't. Oh no, I did not scream or anything like that. It was more like I froze into some sort of a statue and sat there without moving. Have heard that that is a (bad) way of coping with anxiety.

I think it has been too much for me. First was the "honey moon" after the moving, the happiness over getting a new nice place to live. Then I moved forward in steps that was adequate for my situation, unpacking and so on in a tempo that included my physical exercises as well, but I didn't follow my usual plans and did not prepare for how to meet triggers until this happening with my mother (a well known aspect of my life - which I have tried to live with as best as possible, overlooking these "traits" of her, and try to focus on her positive ones).

I think this happened because I wasn't prepared to meet something extraordinary or wasn't ready to look out for triggers.

I have slowly, slowly brought myself back to the here and now, now. I will try to make my myself a priority list for things that needs to be done that do not fit into my ordinary weekly planner and follow the planner as best as I can. The most important will be my repetitions of CBT tool every morning and my walks. I will track my CBT repetitions and my physical activities for two weeks and see how it goes.

I will write a short note here every day for a week or two.

(By the way: I have managed well enough for about six weeks without schedules or plans. Must not forget to give myself credit for that ).

To my fellow sufferers here: I hope your lives are manageable!

It is ok! You exist just as you are. You are flawless as you are.

I'm at a hotel for an overnight trip. Its pretty nice. I've never been to this chain before. They have free chili and they have a guy in the lobby playing the guitar and singing Dust In The Wind. I got lunch at a tourist place and then got dinner at a Mexican place. At the hotel I have a SpongeBob Halloween special on now. For once I feel ok. I think because I've been pushing myself last night and today and I haven't had the news on. Sometimes you just get fed up with how you are living. Plus cutting out coffee and metformin still has helped a lot.

Tommorow we have a bit more stuff to do before we go home.

I thought I was out of luck when it came to finding the discontiuned apple flavored Mountain Dew. My store didn't have it. So I checked with my uncle a couple weeks ago. He found 5 bottles but none of the cases. But today my uncle texted my mom a picture and said his girlfriend found 2 cases and I was so happy. I plan on getting them an Amazon gift card in addtion to paying them back when I see them at Thanksgiving.