[Victoria'smom]

We moved about a year ago from the south east to the north. We got the first thing on the first floor we could find. We thought it would be fine. We bought a couple of cheap dishes with dual handles because it's not that bad to ask for help draining food. A bathtub wasn't a problem in the other house. 3 stairs isn't that bad to get into the house. I had more when we lived in a trailer. Space is smaller but we can make it work. Well it's not working out.

I can't cook, so I can't eat or drink when everyone is sleeping or gone. Groceries are more expensive so I can't get microwave stuff. No Walmart delivery so we have to rely on Amazon fresh. Our packages regularly get stolen because it's a busy street and they refuse to tell us when they are here. So that's 5-10x a day I have to ask for help. The stairs are uneven so I need help getting up and down. Meaning if my dog needs to go out I have to wait until someone is free. That's another 5x a day I have to ask for help.

My desk where I draw is in the corner pushed up against the window with the view of trash all over the yard because the neighbors throw there trash off the balcony and leave it there for h to pick up. I have to climb over the bed if I'm sitting at my desk and have to use the bathroom or if h is at his desk ask him to move. That's another 5x. My art supplies are on the other side of the room so I have to climb over the bed or ask h to move so I can get a print out in the kitchen. So I haven't drawn or colored in about a year. It's just easier to lay in bed and watch him do things. I don't like TVs or movies.

And then there's the bathtub and getting dressed. If I shower I have to have help in and out of the shower (asking for help 2x) then need help getting dressed (asking 1x). Then my meds are out up so I have to ask for them(2x). The floor is uneven so I have to be careful not to trip. And that's just inside.

If I go outside I have to walk 10 minutes to the car( walking hurts me). Then parking is $10-40 and still have to walk to the destination. If we don't take the car that's more walking. Leaving us around people who are erratic, yelling, talking to themselves and people asking us for money/food and it's just crowded. I often have to stand on the bus even with my balance problems.

Then there's winter where I can't walk without assistance 100% of the time or I fall. At the same time medical is better, assistance is better, we don't get looked at oddly for being interracial, handicap and Victoria has had no trouble as trans. So if we could get this to work it's a better environment. How do I just accept this and not be miserable? This is not taking in my anxiety about driving, my social anxiety, or anything else like that.

[insideoutsider]

Oh my. That sounds, at least to me, very very difficult conditions. I've never experienced most those conditions and dynamics.

To me it sounds like you traded some physical comfort for some mental comfort? Now I don't mean to undermined the mental anguish still present but, feeling supported - is that something that you see is worth it? Are the supports of medical and community something you can leverage? I mean I don't think you should feel bad whatsoever for asking for help if you haven't already? Or maybe community involvement?

Acceptance may be easier this way? Or if that's not the route to go, does feeling like you fit in worth it all? And Victoria I don't know who that is but is she more happy?

No pressure on the questions just things that come to mind - hoping this situation gets better and honestly if you've been there a year maybe that gives you free time from having the day to day down and efficient, to do things and explore new possibilities that could help, not sure what, you may have ideas

[raspberrytorte]

I can understand some of what you're going through. I also feel like a huge drain on my family, don't cook, hardly clean, don't drive and don't handle our finances at all, so if something happened to my husband I would be screwed. I would like to be more independent, but don't see that happening anytime soon.

Big hugs.

Take a shower. It would make you feel better.

[MuddyBoots]

I get it, needing/asking for help for things a lot of people don't need help with is hard, but keep in mind it does seem like you have people willing to help which is good. Do yourself a favor and do a bit of self-care and find a good pdoc/T (I don't know where in the north you are but if you're in the Boston area you're in a lot of luck there).

[Victoria'smom]

So I wrote a long post and it's gone.

So I called the psych clinic and they are escalating my case because I haven't seen anyone since May and they have no idea why. I'm soupose to see a certain person. And when they saw that they went from I can't help you to escalatling it.

We tried to figure out a different layout but the house is to small for one. Victoria is going to continue school and look for a job. We're going to try to save money for my service dog. Then save money to move. And the only reason moving isn't number 1 priority is I don't think we can save enough in 10 months to move. Saving $200/ month for us is already hard. We'll see what services are available when I see the Dr.

H still thinks I'm depressed because usually I'm the optimistic one and I'm focused on all the things I can't do. We're going to open up another bank account so I have access to it because although he doesn't like me killing him off in my what ifs and what happens to me when x happens l do need access to money to pay bills when he can't. At this point I don't even know what bills we have.

Next month we are going to try and solve the food problem for me. Get things I can microwave when no one is available and plastic silverware and paper plates and bowls. He didn't realize I refuse to wake him no matter how hungry I am. I'm usually up by myself for 4-6 hours in the morning. He only realized I ate in the morning because I've been ordering a bunch of breakfast sandwiches and freezing them and I'm all out. I only have 1 a day so it's not like I'm full but I'm okay to wait.

I'm going to try and fix my able account so I have money going into that automatically so I have to have money solely for my needs because I don't ask even when I need it. H wants me to at least slowly organize my art supplies so I can use them and put my markers at least on my desk. Basically set it up so it's inviting. I also have to take my iron because some of my symptoms may be anemia.

I need to start looking on the bright side. We're not homeless and all our bills are paid. I basically have to learn to pay myself first.

[Victoria'smom]

I took a shower and went out to dinner for h's birthday. But Victoria had a meltdown and we had to leave. Then she's coming from a place that she feels she can't do anything about it. Her psychiatrist doesn't want to do anything about it either. Yet she somehow has to be able to work. She can't even shower without a meltdown. There were to many people there nevermind we were 45 minutes outside the city and she's the one that wants to live in the heart of the city.

[insideoutsider]

Something that comes to mind, is sometimes when I try to be optimistic it feels right, and sometimes it feels like I'm ignoring an issue.

I have zero awareness of which is which for you, how you feel about one thing vs another, however it's okay to be optimistic about some things, and not about others. And those feelings for better or worse will change all the time as we live life.

So when I hear "I need to be optimistic" my gut reaction is there's something that is causing us to feel pessimistic about this and optimism will come on it's own once we feel we've tried the best we can to figure out what needs to be done.

And often the answer isn't quick. Sometimes simple, but never quick at least in my experience

[Victoria'smom]

Well psych clinic didn't call today , maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow is h's birthday. And the start of the month is Wednesday that means 2 more weeks of waiting and I can cook breakfast for myself. That should help. I know blind optimism isn't healthy but man I wish I had some right now.