Bipolar Check-in #81

@raspberrytorte
Great decision to quit vaping! It's not good for you; plus, you get the extra cash. What tattoos do you already have and what do you want to get?

@Moose72
I hope the biotene toothpast helps your mouth!

I did fine driving to & from the library with my daughter. Plus, I had quite the stack of holds to check out. Now, I've got plenty of reading material which is good since I'm burning thru the current book I'm reading

Today I didn't have any high anxiety and NO panic attacks. Not 1. Wow, it has been forever since that has happened to me! I did slip and have 2 diet sodas but I did well in the AM and had decaf coffee instead of regular. Decaf isn't as good as regular but I suppose it tastes somewhat like coffee even if it doesn't have the punch regular coffee does. I know diet soda isn't that great for me plus it does have caffeine ,but I'm working on cutting down from 3 or 4 sodas a day on top of 1-2 cups of coffee each morning, and it is too overwhelming to do it all at once. My problem too is I find water so BORING to drink. I need to start adding lemon or lime to it to help. Maybe I still have a few lemons that are still good, possibly limes. I'll have to look.

Ohh with this heat I've been mixing gatorade with water (little trick I learned from the park), and it's definitely not as boring as water. I don't really mind water that much though, but it's nice to spice it up a bit.

I am sorry you are having a hard time now. This too shall pass.

i texted 988 for a while. i needed to talk to someone about how dire i feel. i havent felt so apathetic in a while. its making every part of life diffcult. im watching the olympic games opening. im too afradi to travel that far away from home though id like to. im lucky i have 5 kitty cats to keep me company while husband is at AA meetings all week nights. im alone alot. right now i like it becasuse i can feel like **** and not hide it.

I'm feeling good. Had good ZOOM events yesterday and today and the weather is nice and cool.

I had a break today from taking care of my mother. My son went over and did a few things with her.

I went to the gym today for the first time in weeks. The workout was hard because I'm out of shape now. Well, that's relative to how I was before. Last year I could do 45 situps and do 1 leg squats. Now I struggle to do 20 situps and can only do some 2 leg squats.

Seroquel really did a lot to me, I gained 50 pounds on it. Now to get it all off again!

My anxiety was bad today so I took a Klonopin but I didn't need the afternoon dose. Stomach issues persist, I guess it'll be that way until the anxiety gets better but who knows when that'll be.

I'm starting to get brain zaps from the Rexulti withdrawal. I'll take one tomorrow and then again in a few days if I can stand it.

My reality pauses for a moment during a brain zap, which can be pretty disorienting. My mind has to catch up with what it missed while the zap was doing its thing. It's a really odd sensation.

My depression is up, which is understandable given that I'm off 2 meds now. Next to stop is Prozac but I'll see how I feel in August. I might try adding Caplyta first to find out if it'll help.

@Scooter9 Have you ever tried an MAOI? For me it was the first med for depression that actually worked and didn't stop working over time. I've been on it 15 years now and it still is working. Everything else I tried (and I tried just about everything available before 2009) and it's still working. No real side effects as long as you avoid the "no" foods and that's pretty easy when you get used to it.

My sleep and moods are a bit off. I'm getting about 5-6 hours of sleep a night and then taking a nap during the day. My therapist told me I've been through so much with my health issues and I've been in survival mode for so long and now I'm crashing and to just be kind to myself. Things have gotten better. I just feel blah.

I'm still not sleeping. I swear I was fine depression wise after my colonoscopy, but I seem to be having some weird mood swing type issues that I wasn't having before. Idk if they are related.

I'm glad you had fun at the farm! When my son was little we would go to the farm animals at the fair. He loved it! I'm glad you got some good sleep! Yay!

That's great that going to sleep helps you! I was too terrified when I was having those panic attacks. So glad that helps.

Me either about the driving. Before I was taken off lorazapam I'm so anxious driving. If it's a familiar place I have no problems. But if it's way way on the other side of town I'm full of anxiety. Especially the valley here. I know other sided of town, and that's where my son is. But 5 years ago I would have been fine. I've come up with a plan to make my son's bus ride shorter. I'll just pick him up at my pdocs office which is downtown and will cut my son's bus time in half.

But anyway I get it.

The wound is gone! She said I have some creases behind my calf like right above my ankle and she thinks they were rubbing against each other. So she said next time I shower to wash it gently with warm soapy water and to always keep an eye on it. It hurts a little bc it's just really fresh skin. They put a big bandage on it and gave me a couple more.

I didn't talk to my son today bc I was busy. I'll call him tomorrow. Today was a good day.

How can I leave a smiling face or other icons when replying to someone? It's not doing it for me. It just puts it at the top.

@MuddyBoots These thoughts will go away with time ... I think you are clever who fight them so strongly!

I went out again yesterday to buy the groceries for the weekend. Today I will use the day for cleaning and hoovering. To do work in the home is among the worst "things" I do, but it has to be done ...

Wish all of you a good weekend!

There's an icon for a smiley face and a drop down arrow next to it. Select where you want the smiley in your text (idk what it's called, but the little line that shows where you're typing), and then use the arrow to show the smileys and pick which one you want. There's a ton more at the very bottom where it says "show all smileys" and sometimes you use enough of them that you remember what smiley goes to which text, like a colon and a parenthesis make a happy or frowning face depending on which parenthesis you use.

I'm going to try and do as much reading as I can today. See what Voldemort's up to today.

@mararinOrange
To get to the menu with the smileys, you have to choose the "Go Advanced" in green next to the "Post Quick Reply" button.

I've been having a rough morning. I had decaf coffee, but I'm having HUGE anxiety over having to skip my morning walk due to rain (again!). Both my OCD and ED do NOT like this. I have been struggling with ED thoughts stronger than normal lately

Ugh! I hate anxiety b/c it seems to also bring on some hypomanic behavior in me. I don't know if it's true hypomania, rather just behaviors like irritability, quick anger, going thru tasks quickly and not thoroughly, racing thoughts, etc. I am trying to calm down and grounding and deep breathing are not helping. I do have an aromatherapy diffuser and the oils to use with it but H is sleeping in the bedroom and he's been so stressed lately I do not want to disturb him.

I am going to make some chamomile tea to calm down and if that doesn't help I'm going to chop some of the extra Seroquel I have from different old prescriptions down to 25 mg since pdoc used to prescribe me 25 mg Seroquel to help with anxiety and panic. I know I really should NOT do that with the Seroquel, maybe I'm still a bit hypo, but I'm also desperate to end this long round of high anxiety and panic.

i slept ok at best. went to bed around 1 am and up at 8. wide awake. kitty was in bed with me all niht so i felt loved. just had some coffee and about to shower. i didnt shower yesterday bc i was afrad id SH.

@MuddyBoots
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Is there someone you can talk to? Can you call a hotline?

@halliebeth
Awesome that you took a shower. Having a cat next to you in bed feels great.

Yes it does and usuallt this cat Murphy doesnt lay with us but he layed right by me for hours

I just looked at my credit card balance online! Omg. It started out with eating out all the time but then I had to pay $55 for the lidocaine maalox mouth salve and then I bought the biotene toothpaste which I need and welp I’ll be paying this bill off for a few months! I’ll have to cut down on spending. Thing is I used to be fine! It’s just this evil mania that got away with me. At the time before I knew it was the toothpaste/dry mouth hurting my mouth so bad I felt I had no choice but to buy the mouth liquid at the place that doesn’t take insurance. I’ll be paying this off over several months. My vet credit card has a balance too but it’s got reasonable payments that I can make over in time. I just know my credit score has taken a hit because I’m over the one third mark of my limit. And to top it off I need gas but I hope I can hold out till I get my money again in a few days. I always like to fill up at half a tank but I’m just below that now.

Tomorrow is church with N3 playing the prelude on the piano and he and his dad singing their duet. They’ve been practicing so it should sound spectacular! I hope the recording comes out good. I’m going to sit up front and use my iPad to record it too just because but I really want a copy of the recording the other choir member is making. I can’t tell you how excited I am to go hear them and get a recording! N3 is picking me up on the way to church so we only have to find one parking spot

I read the side effects of Risperdal on the link at the meds board here and now I’m scared! Too many and TD is one of them! So many bad side effects- including death! And I was just trying to look up breast milk production which I had last time I was on it!

My Chicago friend wants to get together soon as it’s been almost 3 months since our trip when we last saw each other. We are talking about going to Big Chuck’s for pizza! They have the best pizza. We’ve only been there once and it was so good!

I could call my treatment people. Typically I call my CM and either she or someone she works with calls back 15 minutes later. I tried talking to 988 last night but the gal I talked to wasn't helpful at all. I'm okay right now though. I think calling is stupid because it's always "what could you do to calm down/distract yourself?" and I can ask myself that. It's when the entire day is distractions and any time my mind and body isn't preoccupied for five minutes I call and say "I've tried going for a walk, working on photography, writing, listening to/practicing music, cleaning, reading, 4-7-8 breathing, a quick workout, looking at trail maps, and cooking. I don't want to shower because if I'm in the bathroom naked I'm going to feel disgusting and SH." Showering is always their go-to.

Duet sounds like it's going to be wonderful!

Don't worry about the Risperdal side effects. Looking at the side effects of any medication tends to freak people out. Truth is some people get none, some people get mild ones that are tolerable, some people get many that aren't dangerous but make the med not worth it, and some can get dangerous reactions. The dangerous reactions are pretty rare--if they weren't, the med wouldn't have been approved. The TD concern is valid for sure, but you can always stop it if any EPS shows up/gets worse.

Wow, Galaxy Con was so amazing. I met so many people and got to do so many things, but man was it EXHAUSTING! LOL. I even walked over to the Marriot attached to the Convention Center to join a local Star Trek group, (because I met one of their officers at an open panel discussion group called "Ten Forward" which was so much fun), and there was so much more people over there! It was great because I got to sit down in the Marriot restaurant in a quiet place and actually enjoy lunch, people were sitting down on the floor at the convention and eating because there was no where to sit! UGH!!

It was a really good time though, and even though I went by myself it was really a fun adventure that I am going to remember for a lifetime, also getting to meet William Shatner, he was so nice!!! Wil Wheaton's panel was so good too, I had no idea how much he suffered with mental health issues when he was a kid and how much his parents never helped him. So sad, but such an inspiring story! He had so many wonderful things to say, and is really into Dungeons and Dragons which is really cool - oh yeah I got to learn Klingon too! The Klingon language class I took was so much fun!

Today is another busy day - about to go to an AA meeting and talk about how I ate at the Marriot bar, and it didn't even phase me, lol. Then going to the gym and gonna rush home and shower and dress for a big music festival here in town called "Down East" my friend that works at a radio station in Raliegh is driving down with some tickets, and I'll get to hang out in her booth, should be fun.

Hope you guys have had a fabulous weekend so far, I really enjoyed myself!