Bipolar Check-in #81

@Nammu
When I was a child it was a bit that way, I felt safe in my little bubble. It was weird, but it wasn't as unpleasant as dissociation became as I got older and things I did in life had more consequences, like dissociating while I needed to be taking care of my baby or while driving or cooking, etc. I do dissociate now at times when the stakes are not that high, but it always just leaves me upset and feeling weird and like I am SO not normal. I've tried to explain it to H and he tries, but I don't think he understands how disorienting and upsetting it can be.

I kinda want to call my CM because of how badly I've been struggling on and off lately (and on right now), but I know it's going to go

Girlll, I've been doing other things when that comes on every day for longer than I want now. I feel like a dam in a hurricane.
So tired too, but like the every noise startles me and I can't sleep tired.

eta: jeez I go on youtube and first recommendation is "**** being sober" by Annika Wells.

saw my granny for a while today and boy was she grumpy lol i just laughed it off and she calmed down. bouht some fresh veggies from a local guy. harvest showcase was today but i didnt feel like going. i usually do.

I have a pen pal. we have been emailing each other daily for YEARS.
She is the only person who gets me. I still have a husband but he really does not get me the way she does. Although hubby puts up with my horrible memory, on a day to day basis.

I went to see a neurologist to test my cognition which she said it was lower since I saw her 4 years ago. Since I have alzheimers in my family history I wanted to take this test which requires a prior authorization
it is a positive or negative results. I would like to know if it is in my future.

I played "Genshin Impact" most of the day. It's a good hobby for me. It's my first video game. It's captivating! You just play it on your phone. It's free but you can buy extra powers. What a great pass-time for me! It blocks out feelings of shame over nonsense i did while hypomanic. It's just the perfect hobby for me! Totally non-competitive and a feast for the senses! It's really exquisite! And i just stumbled upon it! What luck! Something NEW for me, at last, at last... !!!

I'm on an android phone.

Yeah I get dissociation too but not often. I can't watch the matrix and other movies like that. I watch the big bang theory a lot. It really helps with my anxiety. But if the lighting changes I start dissociating. It's a horrible feeling. 💕💕

So I didn't end up getting anymore sleep. I'm sure I'll get some tonight.

My son is bugging me about buying him shoes and headphones. The only thing wrong with his shoes are that one lace is frayed. He just needs new laces, but he won't stop pestering me about it new ones.

Bc he was in the hospital for 2 months he is going to get about $1600. I don't know when he's getting it. Nor does he. The guy that runs these homes has said not to give him money or buy him things. I'm afraid to tell my son that. I just told him my money is not your money. But he's used to me buying him things. He's like but you used to why not now. It's difficult.

He was depressed today about his cat Tiger being put to sleep. We have his urn, paw prints in clay and a picture of him right by the urn and paw prints. Tiger had diabetes but lived to 16. He didn't mind the insulin injections. But he developed really bad neuropathy. We tried everything. I wasn't sleeping bc I was giving him like 4 different pills a day at different times. We finally decided Tiger was too miserable to keep on treating him when the vet said we could try more gabapentin but it didn't look good. I ended up in a mixed episode from so much lack of sleep.

But Tiger was an awesome cat. He was a red mackerel. Big orange cat. He was just an easy going cat. I miss him. But he had a good life.

Orange, your son is an adult, he can buy his own shoes and headphones when he gets the money. You can tell him now that he is an adult he needs to buy his own things. You sound afraid of him. What would happen if you limited contact to once a week? I would listen to the people who are in charge of him, if they say don’t give him money or buy him things then don’t, doing so just reinforces negative behavior

That's awesome! I've heard of that game and considered playing it before. I enjoy mobile games. I play a lot of Pokemon Go. Glad you're enjoying it, I find it to be a good distraction and good hobby as well, welcome to the amazing world of videogames, there's so much awesome stuff out there

I slept okay, about 5 1/2 hours. Feel pretty good, going to take a walk downtown in awhile, get out of the house for a bit and get some exercise and fresh air. My mood is good. Right now I'm enjoying some coffee and music while I wake up. My boyfriend has the day off work so we're probably gonna do something later, probably watch a couple episodes of Naruto and play either Magic the Gathering or the Yugioh card games.

I bought my ticket to see Deadpool and Wolverine in theaters this coming Wednesday. I'm looking forward to it!

Tomorrow I have a volunteer shift with the rescue cats. Looking forward to that as well. It's always nice seeing them and playing with them, they're all so sweet

I'm looking online at pet beds for my cats, I want to get two beds, one for Mocha and one for Mustachio. Mocha loves having a cat bed to lay in, and he needs a new one cause his old one was extremely worn out. Mustachio doesn't care for them but I want to make sure they each have one, cause cats always change up where they like to lay

I slept around 9 hr. again last night. I am so glad my sleep is getting back to normal.

Ugh, I REALLY want to go for a morning walk, but it's raining outside AGAIN. It's been raining every morning for God knows how long. I am sick of it. Both ED and OCD thoughts absolutely HATE it! The rain is predicted to stop soon, but the weather channel keeps extending the stopping time.

It is causing me anxiety, irritation and anger. I am all worked up inside. It doesn't make sense. I know that by 8 AM the rain should stop and I can go walking then. But I don't like having to start later than normal, which is around 6, 6:30 AM.

Edited:
I couldn't stand it anymore. Finally I just walked in the light rain which did stop but not until 8:30 AM. At least it was cloudy and the sun wasn't beating down. I am pretty sure you are not supposed to overheat on Seroquel which is why I like to go walking so early. Plus, I am a morning person.

I am soaked and sweaty now and ready for a shower but am drinking water first.

I talked to h. I'm doing the $19 art program instead of the 2 year course. I wanted to do service dog training for others but I decided against it as the community seems toxic. My head is still jumbled. I leave Tuesday. I can't wait.

I'm a bit tired today because I was coughing a lot last night so I took some cold medicine at about 10PM. But I still did 10 minutes on the treadmill today, and my moods and anxiety are overall decent. I know I had a lot more energy without the 20mg Geodon but I had too many bipolar symptoms.

I'm really tired and I've tried dealing with it. I've tried working out some more and drinking caffeine. I don't want to take a nap. Bipolar wise I'm still ok.

@Victoria'smom
I'm so glad you get to go home soon. That was a long visit! I can't remember, did you say the $19 course is the less stressful one?

@Blue_Bird
I have 3 cats and NONE of them like cat beds! My 4th cat did, but we had to put her to sleep last December

I feel bad b/c somehow last night I locked our bedroom door; it is not an easy door to lock as the locking mechanism is not on the knob but locks when you turn the knob a certain manner. H & daughter were out, and I had gone to sleep. They came home and found the door locked and well...they panicked especially given I'd just gotten over a manic episode. I woke up to all this pounding on the door, them calling my name and "Are you all right? Please open the door!" Just barely awake, I got to the door and opened it, had to reassure everyone I was fine, the door got locked accidentally (which now that I think of it, we have only ever locked that door accidentally), but I hate that b/c of my bipolar, I worried them so much.

I am SOO enjoying reading again! I breezed thru the last book I read and got started on a new book. I have so many books I want to read now I'm pretty much stable again and mania isn't messing with my ability to read. Stability is worth it just for being able to read again though I am still combatting overspending (ugh!).

Sleepy tired day because the past couple of nights I've been sleeping like crap because of lady time of month. Ugh. Yawn. 🥱 I'm just so DEFLATED feeling right now. I wish I could sleep all day but I have things to do. Sigh. Oh well. I'll just do everything at once and get it over with and then take a nice nap. 😊

I'm SCARED to quit vaping. It's like my security blanket or something. When Daughter was little she had a stuffed bear she used to carry around with her EVERYWHERE and absolutely had to or she'd freak out. It's like that. I don't even vape when I'm stressed or anything. I just like nicotine a lot. I know I need to just jump off the ledge, but it's really scary for some reason!!! I keep on reminding myself that there are many people who don't vape and they're perfectly fine, so I'll be fine too. I just have to take the initial jump!

@Blueberrybook

For tattoos I have an ank, a lotus, an eye of horus, a moon and sun, and a little heart. I want to get a family themed tattoo and a Sleep Token tattoo. And probably get two more tiny hearts (to symbolize my family).

I wish I could read you guys' posts, but my focus and ability to read is just gone. Super tired and severe tremors. Sending my love

My recording on my iPad came out terrible. It’s like it recorded over itself because it’s just pieces! The church made a video of the service but the sound quality isn’t very good but better than my iPad recording. They are putting the recordings the church made on a memory stick which I hope they’ll have in the church office. I’ll have to get Noah to transfer it somehow onto a cd or put the sound file on YouTube. I dunno but I’m disappointed.

Yeah, I've never been able to get a good recording of anything without using a full recording studio and mic. I can get my voice talking using those headphones with a mic on the wire somewhat okay though, but obviously that's not an option for anything other than the wearer talking.

working on a developmental interview based on mindfulness based couples therapy. its annoying

Sorry you aren't doing too well. Any idea what's causing the tremors? Is it from the b/p?

I slept really well Friday night because I used the pdoc approved increase in ambien, but last night I just took 1 pill and didn’t sleep. Today I’m dragging. I was so lethargic I tried going back to be but couldn’t sleep. But laying there for about 30 minutes with my eyes closed really helped clear my addled head. I can focus now.

Speaking of cats my guy loved his beds. Down in Texas I had one in the window where he could watch the birds, squirrels and lizards. At mum’s I had one on a small table in front of the picture window and one on the floor in front of the sliding glass door, he used both. He also spent a lot of time on laps!

@Blueberrybook yes the $19 one is self paced. I'm going to try and keep the schedule but I'm not going to beat myself up if I can't.

Happy that you are going this route! good luck
bizi

I don't think it's the b/p. It's been on and off pretty bad for a bit, and earlier it was ridiculous. Not sure what's causing it. There is a pro though: it's literally one of the reasons I won't go to the liquor store. Once I went in with a withdrawal tremor and I got some looks and an "are you alright?" and that didn't feel too great.