Bipolar Check-in #81

I chatted with my CM a bit and she wants me to do something positive for myself. We came up with a bunch of negative stuff I can not do, and the positive was to call a friend. I feel worse because that friend didn't answer because she hates me.

wrote a 7 page paper in 4 hours. im sick of it

Having an amazing day today, despite being really mad at myself for not being able to get up and go to church, but I really just couldn't get up this morning for the life of me. Had to also go to the pharmacy and pick up my meds - I hate that so much, I am going two to three times a month to the pharmacy because the stuff for my medical (thyroid diabetes) aren't on the same schedule as my psych stuff - it is so frustrating having to run there so much, ugh.

But I suppose the world has bigger problems so I should stop all my whining!

Having a good afternoon at my mom and dad's. Dad is feeling better about being so lonely in North Carolina. Mom is amazing as always - she made a bunch of food which should last me a whole week at home. Just incredibly lucky, and just thankful of the support I have here. It was tough to hear from my ex-mother-in-law about my ex-husband last week - he is just not doing well at all in the streets

Possible trigger:

and had gotten beaten up pretty bad by some guys.

I feel for him, but he is just so caught up in that life and just can't stop. Plus he has no real support, other than his mom and dad, but my thinking is at least he has them to lean on, it's really just up to him if he wants to change.

Hope everyone is having a good Sunday - it's always nice to see you all posting here, it always gives me such reassurance and hope.

watching the olympics. simone biles is the GOAT of gymnastics for the US.

hoping i make an ok grade in this class. feel like taking a W in it honestly. dont feel confident at all.

So my dog at home (14) has started to loose her bladder. She was fine when she went to the vet 2 weeks ago.

Ugh, I'm so anxious and vigilant that I'm starting to get paranoid.

I keep watching for people following me or am suspicious of sounds around the neighborhood.

As if I don't have enough on my mind already.

I dropped off food for my mother today and did a few things for her around her place.

I forgot to take my Klonopin so I was a nervous wreck by the time I got back. I even took an indirect way home in case someone was following me.

I know there's nobody following me. My logical self knows that but the rest of me isn't convinced.

He is an adult but he only get $100 spending money a month. That's not much. I really babied him. I always gave into him. Yes he is an adult but he does have a pretty significant mental illness. Idk I just feel bad for him.

You just said he’s getting $1,600 dollars. That’s enough for his shoes and headphones. I know it’s really hard to say no, but being a good parent sometimes means saying no. It’s not too late.

I vape as well. But I'm not going to consider stopping right now. It's a hard habit to break!

Yes he is getting that but we don't know when. But yeah I might have to block him again.

I slept really good last night. But only got 3 hours in the bed.

I'm just having a chill day so far. My son hasn't called me yet today.

I never met Sir, but I sure remember you writing about him, @Nammu. He was quite a cat.

Thanks Buddha, I miss him. In one of my art classes we did pet portraits so I now have a big painting of him.

I feel kinda blah right now. A lot of bathroom trips and OTC stomach meds. I didn't do anything bad. I just feel weird physically. It started off as incredibly bad anxiety then turned into this. I asked my therapist if she had a sooner appointment so I'm seeing her Tuesday morning. My anxiety is better at least.

I remember you talking quite fondly about him too @Nammu - I love that you have a big portrait of him, it must be so lovely.

Got home a little while ago, but extremely irritable all of a sudden. Mostly because the frames I bought from Amazon to hang the pictures I got at Galaxy Con were really cheap and poorly put together. One was even broken. It's always hit or miss with Amazon stuff; it's becoming disappointing if the products aren't name brand.

Hope everyone is having a good evening. I am going to head into the shower, maybe that will lift my mood. Monday is tomorrow, ugh!

Awww shadow I’m sorry the stuff you got was cheap and broke. I’ve only had one bad thing from Amazon and I returned it for a refund. I get my frames from hobby lobby when they have 50% off, which is often.

@LadyShadow I completely understand what you mean about it being a pain having to go to the pharmacy so often. The same thing happens to me because my psych meds aren't all on the same rotation and I also have acid reflux meds. I'm there so often of the women who works at my pharmacy beats herself up because she can't remember my weird last name.

@Scooter9 I'm sorry you're struggling with paranoia.

Today wasn't so bad. I'm noticing my mood dragging a little bit, but I think that's a combination of med side effects and my POTS symptoms getting a little worse again as the positive affects of my last IV are wearing off. Hopefully, I'll hear this week if I'm able to start getting IV fluids on a regular basis.

I see my pdoc tomorrow (just my routine monthly appointment). I've finally reached a point where I seem to have more of a capacity to finally grieve how much my life has been impacted by it, especially everything that happened when I was undiagnosed/didn't realizing I was following manic thoughts so I'm hoping to have a bit of a conversation with him about this.

I signed up for 3 free months of Panara's drink program so I can treat myself to a drink from their on a regular basis. Having this little treat to look forward to might help me as a transition back to work starting on Wednesday. I love getting fun, non-alcoholic, drinks!

Just got done watching the omen. my brother in laws favorite movie.
I enjoyed it but it was not scary like I thought it would be.
bizi

My anxiety levels are high. Tuesday will be my next to last session before the 6 week break. Well,not exactly a break because I'm seeing someone else but that won't amount to a lot more that the more superficial things. I miss (my therapist) is probably going to be the biggest topic for those weeks.


I'm so anxious tonight. It's partly that and it's also because of something I can't post about here but it's messed up family stuff. And then the possibility of moving. We tried seriously to move to where my sister lives about 3 yearsa ago and found the market impossible. So every so often we'd see a house but we haven't found what we need. One last week was about 95% but no way for an elderly person with mobility issues to get in or out. Which is a big concern since my mom will live there too and while she's in perfect health right now that could change. But we weren't that serious, partly because I don't really want to move. I feel secure here. But after a talk with my therapist recently I decided to support this and so we're more actively looking now. Wednesday a real estate agent is coming to tell us how much our houses here are worth. This means wer'e more serious and I'm still struggling with that. But I know it's the smart thing to do if we ever find a house.

This is also hard because it is making me accept that my mom, while a dynamite who runs circles around me, won't always be here and I'm so close to her that it will be horrible to lose her. I can't imagine my world without her right there. (We live across a driveway from one another).

It's too much all at once. In fact I'm almost crying. I haven't cried in years bc of my meds dulling things. I didn't cry but I sure got teary. too much at once....I feel out of control of my life. Even though I agreed to this now it seems real and scary. And I need my therapist for more than 2 hours to help with this. Maybe I'll have something to talk to the replacement about after all.

So my counsellor on Saturday recommended I start taking Magnesium, Vitamin B, Omega 3 and Probiotics to help a little bit with the mood.

Magnesium is for sleep but I had the WORST night sleep ever on Sunday night. Woke up constantly every single bloody hour ... Finally got up and out of bed at 3:30am, made a cup of coffee (my one of 2 cups) then started some knitting. I find the knitting soothing. I'm not making anything I'm just doing long rectangles. Casting on 45 stitches then knit knit knit. Maybe at some stage I'll think of sewing all these long rectangles together to make one big blanket, but probably not quite now.

My Monday has gone okay. So far classes so good. Now for the last class of the day ... Year 8s (let me not jinx myself right now) ... we'll see how they go!

I hope you find your sleep!
bizi

@LadyShadow

That's me going to the pharmacy six hundred times a month too. 🙄

@Scooter9

Sorry to hear about your heightened anxiety and paranoia. I REALLY REALLY hate anxiety. I'd rather be ANYTHING than anxious! I hope you get relief soon. Have you ever tried gabapentin for your anxiety?

@Nammu

I remember you talking about Sir too. 😊 He seemed like a special guy. 🫂 ❤️

@Manarinorange

Yes. Quitting vaping is VERY hard, but I know I can do it. I just have to work up the courage. I'm too old for this shyt! I'll be 42 in August. It's time to kick nicotine OUT. It's time to say GOODBYE. I have the nicotine gum already. I just have to start using it. Ugh. I'm so PISSED at myself for starting to smoke again twelve years ago!!! 😒 Stupid me.

I'm sorry you are so anxious. Yes anxiety is awful.

My mom died in 2007. I was only 34. My dad died when I was 4. I'm the youngest of 8 but I've lost 3 siblings. My mom and I were exceptionally close. She was my best friend. She was holding my hand when she was going in the hospital. I didn't realize it at the time but the nurses didn't try methods that could have been done to save her. 2 of my sisters at the time talked to th6nurses and they said no miracles will be happening today. Please cherish the time you have with her. 🌷🌷🌷

Yeah I get it. I have the lozenges, but I'm just not ready. I'll be 50 in August. My sister is having brain surgery in August after recovering from a stroke. We have had a very difficult relationship. But I love her and idk what my family would do without her. Her house is where all the holidays are held. Her husband doesn't talk much. We will be lost without her.
In the last 3 years I've lost 2 sisters. Can't lose anymore.

To those of you that struggle with anxiety, you might want to get your iron levels checked. Mine are always low and my mom and one of my sisters had chronic low levels. I had my Dr check my b12 levels.

When I get my money I'm also going to see if magnesium glycinate helps with it. I asked my pdoc about it and he said he didn't learn about supplements. But he said I can take it. It won't interfere with my meds. I really can't go off gabapentin bc it helps with my back pain. But I'm hoping I can maybe lower my klonipin. I hope it helps!

My wound came back and is bleeding. That's not good. I hope it doesn't take weeks to get in again. This Dr has stopped treatment too early before. I'm really frustrated. I have a friend that can help me bandage it like they do. But she can only do it twice a week. I have supplies here from when I had in home Healthcare for it. She can come tomorrow. I'm very grateful that she helps me. It just sucks though.