Bipolar Check-in #84

Had a good therapy session. We did some more EMDR. And talked about my reluctance to ever ask anybody for help. She asked if I ever had asked for help as a child and not received it and I thought back to when I twisted my ankle really badly when I was playing soccer and my mom blew it off and didn’t take me to the doctor though I definitely needed to. I just hopped around on one foot for a week or so. She was an alcoholic and also severely depressed possibly bipolar though she wouldn’t get any help for that.

Still feeling down and depressed. I took all my night meds as prescribed incIuding the gabapentin slept 10 hr last night. Took a long walk this morning took my morning meds even though I feel like not taking them, what good are they doing, did some weight machines at the the park. Thinking maybe if I tired myself out, I wouldn't be so depressed. But I don't know. I still feel like crying. I took a shower, had coffee, started laundry, decided to wash the sheets too, and now I'm wishing I hadn't done the sheets, but they're in the machine so it's too late.

I used the SAD lamp again this morning, 2nd day in a row. Pdoc said to use it for 30 min in the morning. I read while using it, but is it okay to use a tablet with the lamp? Not really sure if it does anything. Anyone here have success with a SAD light?

I don't even know why I feel like crying. Nothing is really that wrong other than the stress of the holidays, my daughter's birthday, a party for her, anniversary of a sexual assault, having some flashbacks I guess, a bit of dissociation but I dissociate a lot, so it's nothing new.



HUGS to everyone here. Thanks so much for the support. I am so grateful for this forum as these things are not easy to talk about, even with H. And it's hard for H to understand just how crushing the depression is

@Victoria'smom good to hear from you! What'll happen if the unit isn't ada? I know you said it's a lot, but I hope it's not too much and you're managing.

@Mountaindewed why does your pdoc think you're doing unwell enough that you should be in PHP?

@raspberrytorte yay for orgasms and septum ring sales!

@Blue_Bird your nails look cute! Have fun cooking with the Thanksgiving food you have!

@jmariah001 sorry you're not feeling great. Take it easy, but do make sure you're eating and doing other basic self-care stuff! That can go a long way

@BeyondtheRainbow I hope you hear back soon, but I agree, don't stress too much. I wouldn't be surprised if the SSA is really hectic right now, and it's not like bipolar is a disability that's known to miraculously disappear and never cause troubles again.

@HALLIEBETH87 you're doing great with school! I know it's hard, but you're kicking arse!

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The roads were kinda not fun this morning but it took 20 minutes to get to the CMHC rather than the 40 it usually does! (there's this one part they're doing construction that's by two intersections that takes forever to get through but I had both greens and they weren't working on it (dur, there's snow and ice on the ground), so I flew through! And they're working on trees EVERYWHERE which is weird because the snow/ice was last night). But I got up late for me at 8am even though I laid down at like 7:30pm. And then got ready like it was winter warming the car up/scraping half an inch of ice/snow crust off. AND I WAS EARLIER THAN USUAL! Damn...

I am starting to feel physically and mentally better now. I still have concentration issues and I don't have super strength to say the least, but eating at least once a day is totally doable and I don't feel like I should be pulled over if I'm driving just because of how unalert I feel. I can enjoy music again, and even played a little piano and guitar over the past couple days.

(Also, tried the bipolar reddit, mods there are lame af (they deleted one of my comments and then said there was no reason they deleted it), won't go back)

A guy in my hiking group died Friday. Well, supposedly Friday. They found him 1am saturday.

That's sarcasm right? Read that again because that's a lot to deal with at once regardless of it's "the norm" for this time of year.

Blueberry - a gf of mine who was hospitalized for an attempt uses an SAD light. I believe she also did ECT. Now she lives a pretty structured life. Like you, she is super intelligent. Unlike me, she was regularly promoted at work but we both found the environments untenable.

You know the Thoreau quote of the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.

Like the ads tell gay kids that it gets better, we should have ads telling women it gets tons better after menopause. Honestly, i would be sui one day and the next day chipper as a squirrel. My 2nd H wanted to rent a motel for himself for one week out of the month for how i was (altho i think it was for how he was too!).

Sometimes i am disappointed in myself that im not doing more, but i think we are doing the best we can.

@MuddyBoots because he just thinks I'm depressed and doesn't realize theres a legit issue going on that is slowly getting better.

I had therapy today and she was all like "wtf is his problem. Of course your not going to want to leave your house if your feeling sick and how are you supposed to work if your getting sick all the time?"

Then she said that she sees me every week and he only sees me every 3 months so she can assess the situation better, and she agreed with me that hes just being an ***.

Yeah, I thought you were doing relatively well given circumstances the past few days.

Oh, geez, that' not good. So far, I haven't noticed anything but it's only been 2 days. My pdoc has been so insistent on my using this, so I'm giving it a try, we'll see.

The pdoc also increased my seroquel from 300 mg/day to 350 mg/day. Bad thing is I'm suddenly experiencing dry mouth, the way I did way back when I first started psych meds It's nearly unbearable. I wonder why I'm experiencing this again after all these years? Must have been 10, 20 yr since I had such dry mouth from quetiapine. The only positive about it is I am drinking a lot more water, craving water more than soda.

It has been a while since I have posted.

I dropped into a really bad depression for a while, likely as a result of the stress caused by the death of our family member at the end of October.

Things have improved, sort of. I'm still feeling low, but at least I'm functional. I'm continuing with my hobby and staying engaged with day to day life.

My sleep is finally improving after I stopped Rexulti. I was down to 2 hours a night, but now it's approaching 7 hours, which is good.

I was accepted into a psilocybin study/trial. They accepted me because ketamine didn't work for me. It'll happen in January or February. It's just one dose but they provide psychotherapy with it and they'll also take an MRI after they administer it at the hospital. They say they have really good results with it.

I checked and if psilocybin works, the effect might last for up to 12 weeks. I can live with 3 months of less depression!

Welcome back @Scooter9. It’s good to see you posting here.

@Scooter9 Hey there! I hope the psilocybin treatment helps. How does that process work? Do they just microdose you and give you therapy (and take the MRI at some point)?

Thanks @MuddyBoots !

I practiced violin for an hour today. Glad I got my motivation to practice back finally. I was struggling for a few months. My next lesson is December 7th. I’d like to have the song we’re working on learned by then and get any tips on how I can improve it during my next lesson.

I’m having trouble falling asleep but also trouble getting up in the morning. I got up anyway this morning but couldn’t stay awake so went back to bed until noon. Tomorrow I’ve no plans to get up or even dressed. It’s my birthday so I’m doing what I want. Watching the dog show and eating salmon and wild rice with broccoli. The only thing that would be more perfect is if I had a tub I could take an hours long scented candle lit bath.

Ooh Josh just said "some scattered power outages" and we're between the 3-5" and 5-9" total areas! If I don't see you guys tomorrow, Happy Thanksgiving to anyone celebrating!

I almost just had to call the emergency line because I had one of those times a song popped into your head but you don't know what it is. All I knew was it was from the 90s, about a girl who at one point was naked, it had the word "Jesus" in it, and the girl thought about jumping off of I think a rooftop. It was Round Here by Counting Crows. The things that can drive me insane, I swear...

and Happy Birthday @Nammu!!!

i am baking pies. endo said shes proud of my progress!
happy thanksgiving to you all!

Nammu, happy birthday, and i was thinking of the same thing for dinner!

Happy birthday Nammu!!

I have unlocked the secret of the circle of 5ths. (Kind of) I now at least can memorize all the sharps and flats in the different keys by counting and using an acronym. It’s a music theory thing. I’m really happy though cause it confused me for quite awhile.

H@pPy BiRtHd@Y Nammu!

Happy birthday Nammu!!!!

I’m at the hairdresser getting my hair permed. This is taking ages and it stinks lol

You are all invited to a virtual American Thanksgiving dinner on the General--->General Social Chat forum. See you there!

This cough hurts my sore ribs and diaphragm! I tried to get something called in to the pharmacy but no luck. Talked with a nurse. She made me an appointment for Monday morning! I guess the Saturday clinic isn't open? I am not going to the ER or urgent care! I just have to hope my inhalers and steroids help. Poor Robert got ignored while I talked with the nurse on the phone . He finally just left.. I sent him an apology via text. He wasn't mad. My lungs seem to be clearer. Just my ribs are inflamed and my diaphragm is sore too. Steroid dose #2 out of 3 is tonight. It's actually two pills per night. The nurse said they would keep working for days (weeks?) past when you took them. I have an appointment for Monday but that seems so far away.

I got a library card. I was afraid they'd pull up my old card and see the huge fines on it! But she couldn't find my old account so yay! She signed me up for a new one and said they don't do fees anymore! Now I can use my iPad to listen to audio books.

The nurse from when I first called finally called back! Said to use my lidocaine patches on my ribs! I would’ve never have thought of that! Just took all my pills including the steroids and put two patches on my chest. I hope they help!

I keep smelling this bad onion smell. I washed my comforter and my blankets and I sprayed Lysol fabric spray twice on my pillows. And Febreze air freshner in the air. But the smell is still there and its driving me crazy.

I went back on facebook tonight for the first time since August. It was still just a bunch of ads and memes and people posting about their health issues for attention. I'm very private about my own health and I don't go blasting it on social media. My mom talks to my family about it and I have one facebook friend on messanger I talk to about things. But yeah, its no ones bussiness. I didn't even write a post saying "hey, I'm back. Just needed a break." I posted some random Spongebob thing lol.

That onion smell is strong right now

It was a long tiresome day but at least my depression was easier to bear. I went in a ZOOM support group and lasted thru the whole thing. I exercised and my quads were warm for hours after, burning calories. I ate some junk, but some good stuff too. I had a protein shake and a frozen meal, chicken a la king with mashed potatoes and green beans. My stomach glowed after.