Bipolar Check-in #84

Yi yi yi

I went to bed early last night but couldn’t fall asleep until after 5 am . I was supposed to go to a birthday dinner for me at my daughter house. Woke late to a message she’d like to move it to tomorrow. Whew. I don’t know why decent sleep is so hard for me.

Tomorrow is my last day in the temporary parking spot. Now I’ll have to go back down to the lower level and walk up the cement stairs. I takes 3 years to get a parking spot! I’ve been here a year and a half. I was asked if I wanted to use one lady’s spot while she figured out her car trouble. So it was brilliant while it lasted.

@Blue_Bird and @Blueberrybook:

I'm so sorry to hear your family lets you down and you're both really struggling because of it. Perhaps think of us here at MSF as your family? We care and understand and want the best for you. We're here for you! Don't forget that there are crisis lines if you need them. Please be safe and don't do anything rash!

@Blueberrybook Can you turn your SAD lamp settings up? I didn't respond until I was on 65% for 15 minutes. I was trying to do what I've done in the past and hang around 25% for 10 minutes and that just wasn't working. But once I got to the higher setting I felt better pretty quickly. The light doesn't help me every year but this year it has. I also got depressed at an unusual time for me though. I usually get depressed in January after getting through the holidays and my birthday, all of which are hard. So maybe this was pure SAD this year? I have no idea.

Thanks @JaneOnceMore and @Blueberrybook and I’m sorry you’re struggling Blueberry

I’m doing better today. And that’s a good idea Jane , I have a lot really good friends from this site

I slept good last night. Watched a couple episodes of Supernatural. today. And read a lot. Spent some time outside in the cold air. There’s still snow on the ground. I’m gonna do my Christmas shopping tomorrow.

Work is stuffing me around again. I applied for Year 8 coordinator position. Got an email from the principal about a month ago saying I got it for 2025. Yesterday they emailed where all the staff will be seated and they have me in a GENERAL office not in the leadership office. I’m so over it.

I was wondering about that, but i have no experience with the lamps.

No one from my family called or texted me happy Thanksgiving either, not my parents or sister, but I also didn't call or text them. I don't care though. Good riddance I say. They're toxic people anyway. And if my mom has a problem with my husband, she has a problem with me, so... I'm not putting up with that bull shyt anymore!

Oh, and I wanted to add if I had my way we'd just stay home Thanksgiving and spend it the three of us, but Husband's sister and family visit, so we end up going to his mom's house, and it's SO exhausting and awkward. His sister and her husband are the exact opposite of us and they're snobby, and the husband is a condescending asshole. It's just a lot. I ended up drinking three beers and normally I just drink at concerts!

I'm sorry you're both struggling so much @Blueberrybook and @Blue_Bird. 🫂 ❤️

I am so sleepy today. I'm not allowed to nap (per my pdoc) and I'm really fighting it. I didn't do that much yesterday, just helped with the cleanup a couple times but it was somewhat stressful and my body says NAP.

I'm looking into a gift card for a teenager, do you ladies prefer Sephora or Ulta? I don't wear make-up so have almost no experience with either.

Neither. But I also don't wear makeup (except for eyeliner). What kind of teenager is this? Get her a gift certificate for Hot Topic or something. Lol.

My granddaughter prefers Sephora but there’s no stores near her so she accepts ulta. She doesn’t do make up she does the cleaning and beauty products.

Hugs @Blueberrybook and @Blue_Bird we have each other though! Hope you're both managing right now.
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Honestly, kinda wanna die right now. I was feeling less like utter trash this week, and then yesterday and this morning I just went fking wild, and now I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and not have to deal with anything and not dream or anything. I don't even know what I'm hearing right now. The TV is off, my mom's asleep, and there's just a person talking but it's muffled and it's really freaking loud. Feel like I'm gonna puke too.

I know who's on the crisis line right now, might call her...

Oh great there’s something wrong with my tire! It was low the other day and I got it full up and today it’s low Alain! Great! Tires at Christmas time! Plus I no longer have a parking place! I have a feeling I’ll be buying two new tires!

Had dissociation which quickly turned into a full blown panic attack. I’m shaking like a leaf. Trying to calm down right now.

Thank you Muddy and Raspberry. Hope everyone who’s struggling feels better soon

I have plans to paint with my friend from here(a friend from My support forums) I’ve been friends with for a very long time, many years, . over video chat tomorrow so that should be fun. This will be a lot of fun. I’m excited. We’re each gonna paint a rose and see how they come out differently. She’s using water color and I’m using acrylics. Something to look forward to.

I feel a lot of love from my friends lately even if I don’t feel it from any of my family. My ex who I’m really good friends with now (we broke up on really good terms) called me yesterday and we talked for like an hour. It was fun to catch up and hear how he’s doing. I’m glad we’re good friends still without it feeling awkward at all.

And my other friend (my best friend) who lives in Kentucky I still talk to most days. She and I went to high school together. That was like 12 years ago we graduated and I moved back to NY but we still talk several times a week.

So even though my family doesn’t seem to care sometimes I do have good friends even if a lot of them are long distance.

my niece is almost 13 and prefers ula bc its less expensive and she can get more product with her gift card lol i love ulta too. we walk through there alot just window shopping. sephora is more hihg end

The other pharmacy messed up my prescriptions! They are supposed to supply me with 80 mg Ingrezza 30 capsules per month. My regular pharmacy cannot handle the insurance with this medication. All my other prescriptions are at my regular pharmacy. This month the “other” pharmacy put my Ingrezza in blister packs ANd 100 mg gabapentin per blister\every day! I still have the bottle of what’s left from 60 100s from my usual pharmacy so that I can take 200 mg at night. I had to call the after hours to see if I should be taking 200, 100, or combine the two and be back up to 300 again! The man who answered the after hours line for my pnurse’s office said it’s written for 200 so take 200. This is why I won’t switch all my meds to this second pharmacy! And I never asked them to freaking mail my meds! They are always bugging me to switch all my meds to them but I am very loyal to my regular pharmacy as they bend over backwards to help me! Of course it’s a holiday weekend. Thank goodness there are still people to answer the emergency line at my pnurse’s office!

I'm doing ok. I'm just really tired and I slept through dinner. I was supposed to be going out to eat with about 12 others but I couldn't wake up from my nap. I woke up 2 hours later.

I did some stuff this morning. I got some hoodies from Platos Closet and some stuff from some other stores.

Stores were super crowded especially Platos Closet and I hope I didn't catch anything. Idk why I'm so tired, and I'm a bit achy too. I feel like I have a piece of rice stuck in my throat.

I only took 2 valium today.

Another quiet day. I wrestled with boredom in the early evening, then got watching "Seinfeld" and got laughing. George used to really bother me, but now i find him funny. It's nice to watch it without commercials.

My depression was bearable again today, but that Seroquel makes me so hungry! I seem to need to eat every 90 minutes! And not the best choices today, unfortunately.

I got a 102 point play in Scrabble. Wow!

I skipped my ZOOM social hour again. I don't want to be drowned out by that one blabbermouth again. I guess i probably won't go back. It's too bad -- it was my one toe-hold on the outside world but i just can't bear her.

"If you replace your potato chips with grapefruit you can lose 99% of the already tiny joy you take in living!"

I just put up the December issue of the ezine. Between putting it up and emailing everyone afterwards to let them know their stuff was up it took me four and a half hours! For fcks sake! But it's up now, everything looks good, and I don't have to worry about it for another month. Whew. Thank the lord above. 🙏

I'm pissed because I forgot to buy a new ecig today and now I'm going to have to, somehow, stretch my current one out until Monday morning. Needless to say, I'm screwed. At least I have some nicotine gum laying around. I was just SO exhausted this morning from Thanksgiving yesterday! I'm excited because my husband texted me and said he wanted to spend Christmas eve at home and go to his mom's Christmas day this year, instead of doing both. I was like, "HOORAY!!!" So now I'm actually kind of excited for Christmas.

Well, at least Christmas eve.

EMS came to my messy apartment! My tongue and lips and throat swelled up after I took my nighttime meds again! So it’s not the prednisone since I finished that last night. I have an appointment for 8:30 am at the dr tomorrow and a follow up Monday. I think it’s the gabapentin even though it’s not brand new it’s the newest med change after the prednisone which I finished last night. The nurse was really concerned and wanted me to go to the ER but she said if I take Benadryl every 4 hours tonight and get seen in the morning I don’t have to go.

I got a free trial to the Calm app. I was listening to one of their bedtime stories on my Bluetooth earbuds and drifted off to sleep on the couch without realizing it and woke up 5 hours later. It was so relaxing. I really like this app. I’m definitely gonna get a year subscription to it when my trial runs out. I haven’t been that relaxed in a long time.

My lamp has only one setting. I didn't realize you could buy one with multiple settings and I did buy this one pretty rashly.

Thanks for the support. I am so grateful for MSF and this thread in particular.

I am starting to wonder at what point do you go to the psych hospital for sui thoughts.