Bipolar Check-in #84

I finally slept after being up for over 36 hours. I slept for 5 hours. Woke up at 2:30am wide awake. So I’m up for the day I guess. It’s going on 6am now. I think I may have been a tad manic because I skipped my meds which is kind of out of character for me now , I went almost two days without sleep , mind was racing, and was hypersexual etc

I might bake some chocolate chip cookies later. Anyway I feel a bit better after some sleep. It wasn’t enough sleep but it’s a lot better than nothing.

Not much planned today. Trying to fix my sleep routine. I’m hoping tonight I can get 7-9 hours.

I’m just drinking hot chocolate now and watching Pokemon. I might watch some of the Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power series later.

Definitely plan on reading today. I didn’t read yesterday because I couldn’t focus at all due to lack of sleep and my mind was jumping from thing to thing every 2 seconds.

Right now I’m reading Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros

I was gonna go take a walk outside today. I didn’t realize there was ice covering every inch of the roads and sidewalks. So I got dressed and ready and I walked outside and saw it and walked right back inside.

I didn't use the SAD lamp yesterdayand already my mood feels down.

Though without using the SAD lamp, I slept until 4:15 this morning instead of waking up at 1 or 2 AM for the day.

I did my usual this morning. Went for a power walk, 6 mi, a bit of a challenge because it was foggy and there was a light rain as well the whole time, meaning the roads were slick. Showered, then I had curbside pickup for my groceries this week. Put everything away, refilled meds for the week, used the SAD lamp while reading. I'm having strong urges to skip my meds just to see what happens, though I know that would be very bad for me. The rest of today is pretty boring - laundry, meals, reading,maybe doing my coloring app on my iPad. I need to find a new hobby. I wish I could get into writing or sketching again. I used to be good at both, and somehow I think if I try again, the talent just won't be there any more.

I fell back asleep for 2 hours. That’s good, I needed it. So between last night and my nap today I got 7 hours.

Idk what I’m doing today. Probably read if I can get myself to focus. Maybe play my videogame some.

They voted to get rid of it, but they didn't make any official changes yet.

@MuddyBoots they did vote to get rid of it very recently. There was an advisory vote against it in November and now it is finalized. I can't find it online but my pdoc was emailing that the vote was final through the FDA and the changes will go into place. She had it in some professional publication. I just don't yet know what the changes are or when they go into effect.

Depends on the person, but overall I'd say most people don't do that. I have one friend who does though. I stayed at his place for a few days and he's got this whole two monitor PC set up and facebook is open at all times. Today I learned he has a 102dF fever and locked himself out of his (running) car at 3am as it was snowing heavily and he intended on going to the ER.... I should probably check in on him...

I will admit that during a couple phases of "omg, I'm going to put all my effort into recovering and not do ANY SELF SABOTAGING, and I'll do all the healthy things," I've opened up probably more than I should have on FB. But I'm self-aware enough to at least look back and know that, depending on the situation, is either a idealization-phase or mild hypomania (I think anyone that actually goes on my profile knows that too--normally it's just pictures of mountains, lakes, trees, reposted math/science memes and cats ).

When my grandma was alive she was my neighbor at one point and my cat once went over to her house, dropped the nastiest load, and then meowed to go back out. Sorry, Grams!

Ahh, now I see the thing I was reading was dated back on Nov. 20th

but that's great! I know what a PITA obtaining clozapine is! I couldn't even take it because I'd get the weekly blood work and of course the only nearby pharmacy that had it, my lab, and whoever I was seeing at the time would never have all their **** together at the same time, and I wouldn't be able to get my meds until days after I ran out of the whopping 7 day supply I got. Of course I wasn't gonna be on a med where I'd take it 7 days and then not have any for 2-4 days. I made it to monthly at one point and that was worse because then I had withdrawals and fuu that.

@raspberrytorte hope you got some sleep last night! The recovery period sucks soo bad.

@Crazy Hitch I bet you're tired out by now, but let us know how your first day back went when you get a chance!

@Moose72 didn't your pdoc say they'd discuss ect with you soon? Has that discussion happened yet?
I had ECT but didn't get a lot of benefit from it (I was in a bad depression when I started the process of getting in, but it was already not as bad by the time my sessions actually started so I don't know if it actually did anything other than make me need MapQuest to get to this place I was going to for 3 years!) I was suggested ketamine by a past doc but my insurance would never cover it because bipolar diagnosis and TMS by my current doc but my insurance would never cover it because bipolar diagnosis. (I see why that UHC CEO got shot)

@Blue_Bird Glad you got that much needed sleep Are you back to taking your meds?

@Blueberrybook do you think you could still enjoy it even if your previous skill level wasn't there? Just kinda do write or sketch for fun instead of focusing on the quality of whatever you make?
---
I'm kinda grappling with that question myself with skiing. I think? four years ago I had a crazy fall** and my hip was really messed up. Towards the end of 2022 I was able to get back into running a little bit, but one day I pushed myself too hard (8 miles at a ~9min pace) and it hurt way too much after that, and I didn't want to rest and then be stuck running stupidly short runs forever to build back up.

But I've hiked a 4000 footer and a bunch of 52WAVs since so I'm thinking my hip shouldn't hate a few easier cruisers, right? I have such an itch. I know skinning backcountry would be stupid (especially considering I don't know anyone who isn't a rapist who skis right now), but maybe I can find a place that's not insane with their prices....MAYBE I CAN GO TO CANADA!

My buddy locked himself out of his car this morning, after starting it, on his way to the hospital. He almost had me drive an hour out to him to shove a hanger in his door, but someone in his town got his back. That boy....

I had some fun this morning too. I ran out in my backyard this morning up a hill to watch for my med person to come so when she pulled up I could scare her I saw kitty tracks! Big kitty tracks! Bobcat sized! We had snow. It's great.

Also, how likely am I going to get sick later today/tomorrow/eventually if I grabbed a jar of alfredo sauce from the fridge and ate it if it was opened like four months ago? I'm a bad judge of time, and it tasted weird.

---
**In the past some of y'all have said you'd read some of my writing and I'm just having a little fun here with my fall if anyone's bored:

Alright, I'm at this lovely little place called Cannon Mountain where everyone hates because it's cold, windy, steep, and icy. (Or that's what the locals say because on the good days it's probably the best ski area in NH to be. I don't think so but I won't say where my spot is in case my stashes get found )

Anyways, today it WAS cold, windy, steep, and icy. I was also not sleeping AKA manic AKA believed I had some Bode Miller blood in me and was entirely capable of skiing like an Olympic champion who has been said to ski at Cannon every operating day for 3 years straight. I had a couple fun warm up runs around the main base, I think I did one off of the summit, but damn if Franconia notch had brutal winds that morning, a couple thousand feet higher was savage!

They have this area called "The Front Five" which is like a taste of Western terrain (wide, steep, mostly straight) but with Ice Coast conditions. That area faces a different way and the lighting was better so I figure, hey, I'll do a few laps and maybe after lunch the summit will be more tolerable. From right to left the main trails go Gary's, Rocket, Zoomer, Paulie's Folly, and then Avalanche. This is also the order they go in if you rank them by steepness. Naturally, my elevated ego said "AVALAAAAANNNNNNCHE!" and just started bombing! There's this little knoll about 1/3 of the way down the trail with a path that leads to some easier stuff no one ever really skis unless they're heading to the tram (a lift that goes to the summit, which was not open today). I have so much speed when I get to that point I catch air. A lot of air. I was not prepared for air. I land, and I'm as balanced as a two legged stool on skis. BUT I DID NOT FALL! At that second. I turn to the left attempting to correct myself, but, no, that didn't work. Down I went. And down. And down. And across the slope that's so wide I'd call it more a slope than a trail. I'm also spinning around one second head-uphill, one second head-downhill and trying to get and keep my feet downhill. Thankfully, I stopped. Unthankfully, I was stopped by a tree.

My thoughts? Thank God I have my DIN cranked!

Of course there was no one around, I was solo that day, and more to that I'm not on the side of the ski area I parked at (it's a different exit off the interstate at that!). Yup. Just get down to the Zoomer Triple (pretty easy, I had already came 3/4 of the way down), take that up, and cruise back to the main base on some easy circles.

I swore SOOOOO much the next day from pain.

I was so tired this morning and I tried everything. I did 60 push ups and I had a coffee and I cleaned my room. I still fell asleep for about 2 hours. I feel ok now.

For the heck of it, I did do a few sketches today. First time in over a decade! Don't quite have the skill level I used to; here are the 3 that came out best:




Surprisingly, I actually enjoyed doing it, so I may try to do a little sketching daily. Next time, I think I'll listen to music while I sketch.

Cheez mudd just dont pull a sonny bono on us!

Those are so cute Blueberry! I love listening to music when I draw

@MuddyBoots yeah I’m back to taking my meds. Never sacrificing sleep again. I always say that then I convince myself I don’t need sleep and I’d be way more productive without sleep then I skip my meds and sleep then I regret it the next day

For what it’s worth I feel similar about my own art and my violin playing. I struggle a lot with perfectionism so I tend to put them off because I procrastinate cause I feel like whatever I do won’t be good enough or will be pointless. So I’m trying to work on doing things to enjoy them instead of focusing so much on the results. So it’s good you’re giving it a try again

Same old boring story, I’m stable. Down a bit but workable. Working on cleaning off the table so I can put a Christmas tablecloth on and mum’s ceramic tree. Have a bunch of cards to get off too. Need stamps.

I feel the same way about my art. People always think it’s pretty good but ehhh. I do ok when I go to art classes but on my own I’ve no idea what to paint.

Muddy, yeah please don’t do a Sonny on us, we’d miss you.

The melatonin knocked me on my butt cheeks for four hours, so I got some sleep. Just spent some time with my daughter coming up with characters for her new novel. It was so much fun! I guess it's good I'm capable of being creative when it comes to someone else's project, just not my own.

Blueberry - definitely fun pictures! I love saying, "watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!"

When i was doing open mike comedy in the 80's, one night there was this magician backstage, and he made some remark to me (about his dove that he pulls out of his hat), and i said, "oh, ive seen your bird before!" Which was true, at another club, but it came out sounding rather risqué! Its all art.

lol one day,,,...hopefully.

Yes they said the next step would be ect. This was when I first started Vraylar and gabapentin.

Blueberry you inspired me to draw today! I didn’t for a few weeks because I was struggling with hating my art but I sketched tonight. I tried to draw a maple leaf. It honestly turned out looking like a marijuana leaf lmao ironic since I quit weed like a month ago. but oh well, it was still fun to sketch and I’m hoping I can get back in the habit of drawing regularly again

I did it. I got my table cleared off, switched tablecloths and did my Christmas cards. I still need to shower, I’ve put it off late, but I’ll get it done.

They are having an inspection this month but I’m feeling good about that. I bought heavy duty dusting things and they work very well. I haven’t dusted in ages so it’s thick but the clothes pick it up well. That’s the major thing I need to do, 😔 dust. I hate dusting.

I've been sleeping since 4:30. I couldn't wake up. I feel fine. I had a small piece of roast for dinner and I'm listening to music and I have the Cheifs game on. I tried avoiding falling asleep but I wasn't succesful.

I won a ten dollar e-gift card at the virtual Christmas party! I'm so happy! The party was really amateurish and i was tempted to quit several times but i hung in there. I'm really pleased with myself. There were crafts demonstrated, a charming 3D snowflake that took four tries to make and cute edible Santas. We played trivia and sang karaoke. It was nice to be part of something.

Then i watched a new comic, Fortune Feimster, on Netflix. She was amusing and it was heartwarming to see a large woman with an unusual barrel-shaped torso being successful. Her pink suit must have been custom-made, it was cut so perfectly to flatter her shape. Yay for the plurality of images of women!

The daytime sucked, as per usual. I wonder if i am getting the Seroquel hangover. It's not until it's dark again at 5:00pm that i'm feeling good again. I dread the daytime. So desperate in the daylight. I'm only on 100mg. The last time i tried to reduce my meds i got a terrible temper and was headed for jail, i was so obnoxious. Better sedated than in jail, but it's not much of a choice.

At least i enjoy the evenings.

I love Fortune! She's a real Southern belle - or her mom is, i forget which. But she is funny.