Bipolar Check-in #85

Thanks @Blue_Bird! That means a lot :-)

We're here for you @HALLIEBETH87



Only one more day till break! As hard as it will be in some ways, I am also very ready. A sad part about tomorrow is one long term sub is finishing up her time (another one takes over after the break). The teacher who's done long term subbing tomorrow will still be around to sub here and there so that's good. She's great and the kids love her.

I've been thinking about a couple of things: to much of my perceived self worth is connected to what my students and coworkers think of me and I think I'm addicted to emotional pain (I find myself wanting something bad to happen but also fearing something bad will happen at the same time-it's weird). Tying in to the trauma conversation that happened on here, I think I feel safer in the distress because of how much of my life I've spent in it. These would both be great things to explore in counseling if I was still going. I need to focus on my physical health a little more yet, but I'm already thinking it might be nice to start counseling again in the summer (but, with a different counselor than last time).

I'm feeling a little pre-hypomanic right now-I've got a nice little emotional high that makes me crave more. Hopefully, this won't make it hard for me to fall asleep tonight because I'm going to bed soon but I feel wide awake (normally, I'm practically falling asleep at the table by this point of the night). I'm sure it will pass.

Ugh. I hate eating out. I don't normally eat out but its Christmas and I wanted to see my aunt and uncle
But I legit was not hungry. I finally chose plain chicken tenders and ate one. I don't know why I wasn't hungry today. I didn't drink much of anything either. At least I made it to dinner and seemed social enough.

I've only taken 2 valium for the last few days. I don't know if that can cause issues or not. Going down from 3 to 2 like that. But I don't seem to be having any issue but my stomach is much calmer.

I'm freezing, as normal. And theres only one blanket on the pulled on couch. My mom says I need to talk to my doctor about how cold I am all the time. Apparently its not normal. I ask her to turn up the heat in the house a few times a day and then I swear she turns it down right away.

Light therapy lamp is being returned tomorrow. Add that to the list of things I can't handle without going paranoid or anxious. We've got: benadryl, claritin, THC, behind the counter sudafed, and now light therapy lamps. I should make a fudging list and give it to my psychiatrist so it's on file so I never get fed benadryl or anything while inpatient.

I'm still paranoid and doubt I'll be able to fall asleep tonight. Luckily though I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow morning so we can address the paranoia and what I should do because I don't feel right at the moment. I think if I would have continued light therapy I would have gone into a psychotic episode. I told my husband what was happening, and he said we were returning it and that I shouldn't sit in front of it anymore.

It feels like everything has gone slightly blurry.

I doubt that makes any sense.

I've been up scheming. So we lost moving assistance and have to reapply it's not 100% but like 80%. We move around January 30th about 8 days too late. So what now.

We have to get our credit score to 650 min by next year. That means trying to pay off all the credit cards and arguing the other debts. After we do that we'll apply for the homeowners program here and wait. Once we're selected we can get an ADA condo. It'll take us well into our 70's but we'll own it.

We're still going after the ada apartment unit but I'm loosing hope and focus. My worker finds us annoying but I don't know what else to do.

Good morning! Slept great. Woke up, took a shower and got dressed. Have that Christmas lunch thing in the community room later today. Feeling really good. Gonna read some of my chess strategy book later. Anyone here play chess? I’m learning how to I’m terrible at it but I’m still a beginner. But I find it very fun and satisfying.

Thanks for the reminder about the virtual Christmas thread Jane , I appreciate that. I’ll be sure to drop in there

There’s a game I play called Pokemon Sleep. It basically connects to one of three devices depending on what you have. Either a Pokemon go plus plus which tracks your sleep, a Fitbit/or Samsung smartwatch, or an Apple Watch and it syncs your sleep data into the game and you can befriend different Pokemon that way and level them up. It’s a lot of fun. Basically it’s been helping me to actually go to sleep at night instead of pulling all nighters. I feel guilty when I think about pulling all nighters now because when you don’t sleep your Pokémon don’t get enough rest and then they’re tired the next day and don’t have enough energy to be as helpful in the game, so it’s prevented me from the temptation to pull all nighters multiple times this week which is good lol

That and Pokemon Go , another game, is really helpful too for motivating me to get outside and take walks. In that game you can catch pokemon on your walks you encounter on your journey and it tracks your steps and location in real time. It’s a lot of fun too.

Two games that encourage healthy habits.

I'm so achy and tired from sleeping on the hotel pull out couch bed. I didn't want to do anything this morning. Or eat anything. My anxiety and other stuff is all ok. I could just use a long nap in my memory foam cooling bed at home.

I haven't gotten sick in like 3 days. I've only taken 2 valium for 3 days. Idk if theres like a connection. Maybe I was on too much. I just have zero appetite which might be from going down on it. I'm not sure if getting sick makes you hungry either.

Going to the library soon with my daughter for her volunteer shift there. Always scary since she drives. Worse, I sometimes dissociate during her driving and so am not paying as close of attention or instructing as much as I might. Hope it goes okay today.

Seeing allergist for a follow up at 9 Monday then I have my psych nurse at 11. They said the allergist should only take half an hour. The drive to the allergist is about 40 minutes so I should just make it home in time to get my car and get to my psych appointment at 11. Gotta remember to bring some paperwork to the psych appointment because I'm seeing my case manager too right after the pnurse and that may take a while as we have various things to do. My mom is taking me to the allergist. Luckily they both work in the same office. Noah has an appointment that morning for his long overdue check up with our primary doctor and Nataleigh has an appointment too- not sure where.

Luckily my allergist had an appointment Monday morning. I hope it's only half an hour like they said. And I don't have to follow up with my primary doctor since I'm seeing the allergist.

so glad i got to see my stepdad beofre he passed. the funeral is monday dec 30. were doing it after the holiday. such a sad time fr my little sisters. i remember when i lost my dad at 20. sucks

Good morning beautiful people

Today will be a good day I think. Weather won’t be overly hot. We’re going to visit my partner’s mother and exchange gifts because we’re going away for 3 days over Christmas. I’m so grateful my mood is better I’m definitely not taking it for granted

I had this super realistic dream where my mom said someone was on a vibrator when she meant a ventilator. I swear it happened but she said it was a dream.

I've never had this happen before until recently. I've had REM sleep behavior disorder suggested, but I've always been able to tell what was a dream.

I am really glad that one was a dream though.

Christmas drawing near is just putting me into one great deep depression. We have NO gifts bought for our daughter yet. H said he'd take care of it, but when? Time is running out. I don't like the holidays, don't like decorating, hate Christmas carols, baking, gift exchanges. I'm a Grinch. I really, really, really HATE this time of year of yay, yah, false happiness everywhere, people displaying their "perfect" Christmas pictures on FB and my life is like crap compared to everyone I went to high school with. Our Christmas tree isn't even decorated yet.

I wish we could skip to January though I hate that too what with all the diet, diet, diet blasting from TV, radio, magazines, internet. Not a good time for one with an ED in the past who does not need to diet but feels the compulsion (or competition to eat less, exercise more?) to with all these other people jumping on the bandwagon.

I need February to roll again already!

Feeling a bit down and morose this afternoon.

I pretty much ignore all holidays. Xmas i look at waaaay historically - ancient people are celebrating the sun returning. I can relate to that. But im not gonna throw a virgin into a volcano or anything. Geez i hope THATS not in Project 2025!

So sorry for your loss @HALLIEBETH87. That's good you got to see him though. How close are you with your sisters? I hope you guys can be good supports to each other.

@Blueberrybook March is the snowiest month in NH, therefore it is the best month in my opinion. October/November/December is the "there's a wide range of temperatures and one day we may get 3 feet of snow and one day we may get 3 inches of rain" time of year and it effin sucks. Also like you said, October-January is a lot of "overindulgence-overindulgence-overindulgence, oh fk the first day of the year time to go to another extreme" especially with food, so my bulimia (might even be anorexia at this point I don't really know) LOVES that....

@raspberrytorte, yeah, I only used a SAD light a few times, but I do remember feeling really restless and irritable while doing it. I don't know if it was affecting my bipolar or having untreated combined-type ADHD just didn't pair well with feeling "required to" sit down in one spot for that long though, but I have heard of it triggering symptoms in bipolar/schizoaffective patients.

They made me see my therapist today, she said I have "interesting thoughts." Our appointments haven't been super consistent the past few months (I skipped a couple and made one over the phone, she cancelled 3), and after last time I saw her I guess she got curious and looked at my vitals chart and was like, "oh, she ISN'T lying when she says she doesn't eat too great these days on account of losing 13% of her weight in 2 months." But it's okay, since I started smoking weed a lot I only lost three pounds.

I have gone a little crazy this week though when I found those pills. I took a lot of sedating ones and just was a zombie for like two days and then yesterday and Wednesday I tried taking 300mg then 450mg of the buproprion in the morning, but it just kinda made me feel like I was on meth (probably because I also took ritalin, supposedly there's a "major" interaction that can cause seizures but I am on a decent dose of Depakote and I've already proven I'm immortal so I just took it after I had to drive anywhere) so had none of that today (but will save for the future).

I didn't really take "everything at once." It was just kinda a couple days of keeping myself in a benzo coma and taking 750mg of buproprion in two days. I don't know if I was hallucinating or paranoid/insecure or if this dude's already tearing me apart, but I swear he was saying I'm a useless parasite who will never find meaningful connection. And then sometimes he does 100% for sure say kind and reassuring stuff that feels genuine. Also I may have asked for sex in a very unique way through text and he sent it to his friends (keeping my info out of the screenshot like a gentleman), and now honestly I'm kinda prepped to be recommended a mental health meme page seeing a caption "this is how my girl says she's dtf" and what I wrote and the pic I sent (all I'll say is the pic was in NO WAY "spicy"). That'd be interesting.

I practiced violin for a decent amount of time today. I've been really really stressed the past few weeks and in the past two weeks I've probably averaged 2.5 hours of practicing various instruments a day. I HATE that I've played the piano because I get COMPULSIVE with writing stuff after I play--as in if I play once for more than ten minutes, for at least the next four days I'll be tapping my fingers doing imaginary chord progressions and harmonies and shyt AND HEAR IT ALL IN MY HEAD AND NOT EVEN ALWAYS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE EITHER! I also hear the guy's voice when I'm alone. Like, actually hear it like he's here, but I'm 99% sure he is not. Maybe he hacked into something and there's a speaker, I don't know. My phone was acting really weird. I got a call FROM MY DAD'S OLD NUMBER like two weeks ago but it was of course not him. "I called" my mom's phone without even being near my phone too, apparently.

But how else will grocery prices go down?!?!???!

I'm so keyed up I even drank a half and a glass of wine this evening. I NEVER drink. The last time I had a glass was probably 10 years ago. So long as I don't repeat this. Really wanted to have a bit more, but H and daughter are coming home soon, and they'd not be much amused. I just wanted to be able to relax a little.

Had a great time at the Christmas lunch. There was someone I talked to the whole time I was down there at my table. She moved in relatively recently. Like within the last year. She’s close to my age, she’s 34. I’m 30 years old. It’s nice to have someone closer to my age to talk to. There’s a lot of people in the building, like 60 apartments I think but most of them are a lot older than me. There’s only like 2 of us in our 30’s, me at 30, and her at 34. Most of the people here are in their late 40s up to 60s , 70s. I was 24 when I moved in here. While I enjoy talking to them too it’s nice to have someone closer in age to talk with that I can connect with. Most of the people here I don’t have much in common with.We’re friendly but other than saying hi to eachother throughout the building that’s about. There’s a lot of weird little cliques with some of the older people and they sit there and gossip about people and talk about people negatively even when they’re in the same room under their breaths. Idk gossiping has always made me highly uncomfortable, that and complaining about everything constantly,, but it’s like all people do in the building. At least I found someone I can talk to about other stuff. We talked about pets, about different restaurants places we’ve been to etc it was nice.

I just texted my therapist and asked her if she'd take me to my GP appointment in January. She offered before, but I said I'd be okay. I changed my mind because knowing me I'll cancel the appointment otherwise. I HATE seeing my GP. My GP knows my diagnosis and blames all my ailments on my anxiety disorder or just treats me like I'm going to suddenly grow talons and rip her face off or something. Anyway, so I suppose it'll be nice to have my therapist there to advocate for me.

Plus it's fudging embarrassing having to list off all the meds I'm on.

I already want to cancel it!

And I'm due for a pap. Ugh. I HATE those. (Obviously therapist would leave the room during that. lol)

Fudge man.

We never got to returning the light therapy lamp today. Before my husband left for work, he was like, "Don't sit in front of it!!!!" And I was like, "Why the HELL would I do that?!?!" That thing is evil. I'm slowly starting to feel back to normal. Not quite all the way there yet, but getting there. I'd rather go to the dentist than sit in front of that thing again!!!

yes i am kinda lose with my younger "half" sisters. i hate how sad they are. im sad too. i did catch up on homework. no homewokr due over the weekend so imgonnna wokr to get ahead. im not gonna stress abut this class. shes a cool professor and already told me to rest and do my homewokr on my own time. jsut the big assignemnts have actual due dates. gonna be a weird christmas this year. im making a pecan pie and cheeseball for the dinner.

I got some housework done today that i've been procrastinating on. I feel some better. I guess it wasn't just dread of Christmas that was depressing me, it was neglecting my housework too. It wasn't that hard. I must make a note of this so i don't procrastinate so badly in the future. Five days til the dreaded day. Hopefully it will go easier with all the improvements i got done today.

I'm officially on Christmas break! Feeling a little anxious about everything I need. to get done but I am really looking forward to not have to set an alarm on Monday. I received a few gift cards that I can use to help get me out of the house a bit. A few students chose to go out with a bang and make choices that got them sent to the office with less than 20 minutes of school left. Something like this often happens on days like today-to much unstructured time during the whole grade Christmas party.

Today's victories were getting outside for a bit and cleaning my bathroom. Tomorrow, I have IV therapy, need to go grocery shopping, and am volunteering at the dog shelter. The shelter just announced they are moving to a neighboring town. This is great news for them because they need a bigger facility, but a bummer for me because they currently are only 5 minutes from where I live. Sadly, they will be far enough away I might need to look into volunteering somewhere else.

Just another day. Did dream lots this morning. Funny weird dreams in loony tunes skin. Was in a huge, huge hangar with lots of people living there and me looking for a place in the ceiling to place a wren to bring peace and prosperity

I did go down and play games but really needed to bite my lip to stay cause adults acting like kids has never been my thing. But I managed to stay and sort of enjoy myself. Tonight was lonely though, don’t know why. Feeling hemmed in, probably because of the snow. Don’t want to go anywhere but don’t like it that it’s out of my hands. I hate snow and parking so far away and down a lot of cement steps.

Just me being ornery I guess.

I fell asleep at 5 so now I'm up eating corn and watching CNN.

I thought SNL was on but its Friday lol. I thought the start of Jimmy Fallon was part of the cold opening.

I wonder if my memory is a bit of an issue. My pdoc would be pissed if I told him.

But its also the sleeping a lot and lack of appetite shyt too.

Slept a lot so up early today. Caleb didn’t call last night but I was asleep anyway. Seeing N3 tomorrow! Soon I won’t see him a lot once he starts school.

Good morning, Slept pretty good. Have to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. There's lots of snow outside and ice and the roads are covered so not looking forward to going out in it. I have to take the bus. And walk part of the way. Also it's 21 degrees out.