Bipolar Check-in #85

I don't know how to explain it to be honest. I don't remember the thoughts after I have them really, except that sometimes it feels as though I'm seeing what's going on in other rooms of the apartment, like I know what's happening. Or I'll just have disturbing thoughts, but immediately forget them afterwards and just be left with a sense of unease and not feeling right. I've also been getting tactile hallucinations and feelings as though something sinister is constantly watching me, maybe the something inserting the bizarre thoughts into my head.

But you're right. They're not like intrusive thoughts. Those are different.

I wish I could explain myself better.

Oi I tried the PRN and I FEEL weird. But I don't feel? I'm so hot and itchy. I literally feel like I'm pissing out my skin. Am I? Except it's kinked piss. SOmetimes I get afraid when it's 6:30am and still dark that the sun will never come out again and it's dark forever, but ereassure myself that it is 100% completely normal to be dark at 6:30am in NH in January

I'm still feeling edgy and tense, guess it's a good thing I didn't stop at Starbucks for a frappucino after going to the library today; I probably don't need more caffeine.

I'm baking banana bread right now. Had to do something with those last bananas or throw them out. Hopefully, it will turn out. I lost my old banana bread recipe, and I had to get a new one online. It's always a gamble with a new online recipe.

I'm not sure how I feel about my therapy appointment this morning. I didn't want to, but I finally admitted I've been paranoid lately, something is inserting bizarre thoughts into my head, and my sleep has been terrible, and my therapist blamed my caffeine intake. She told me to stop drinking caffeine, except for in the morning.

I told my husband this and he was like, "Um, yeah, I think there's more going on then just your caffeine intake."

I knew I shouldn't have said anything. Now I just feel stupid. I drink too much caffeine and caffeine is why I'm paranoid and having bizarre thoughts and don't feel right.

Even right now the sinister being is watching me. I just want to cry. It's not even the negative entity. It's something else. I don't know what, but something else.

I’ve had good luck with online recipes back when I was still cooking. I found the most delicious cookie recipe they were lacy with chocolate on top. But I forgot where the recipe was. So just had them for one Christmas.

My tv is hooked up, but wowie is the learning curve steep. The remote only has a few buttons. The buttons do multiple things! Oy! It took me 15 minutes to change the channel! It’s a bit bigger than my old tv but the clarity is so much better. But it’s a smart tv, I’m sort of afraid it’s watching me!

N3’s gf tested positive for Covid. N3 figures that’s what he had a week ago when his “bones hurt” and he refused to go to urgent care! They are liking their new place though. Been there a couple days. School starts Monday. I guess S is going to have to miss her first week of class. Im glad N3 decided to go home and go to bed rather than visit with me that day!

I have like 5 good days. Then 2 or so not good days. But they aren't consistent and its just weird. I've been a bit crabby this afternoon. My anxiety has been fine. I'm just irritated. I know tommorow I get my shot. So I'm trying just to hang on. I see my doctor on the 14th. So I'll have to get blood work on Monday or Tuesday. Things are just up and down lately.

I do know now not to send texts about my brother to my mom because they go to my brothers ipad for some reason.

So I stopped keeping track of my thoughts because all I could pull out is ED and sh thoughts but that's because I want to ground myself. I can't or won't pick out the really messy stuff either because she'll see or my head is that discombobulated. I'm not doing it on purpose. I'm just so confused and scared. No idea what bills will be next month, no idea if we'll have to leave without an apartment, no idea for a move in date. My parents may be in Florida so can't ask for their help, I can only be out of state for a month because of my shot, we have 2 weeks to figure it out.

done with winter class. got an A i think.

5 months tili graduate on may 10th!

just ready to be done with school. 5 years is enough

That's awesome Hallie!

I only slept 2 hours last night and I slept 4 the night before. I’m so ****ing tired but I can’t ****ing sleep. I’m also worried about my friend and my brain is too wired to relax.

Today was a productive day. Lesson planned, read, cleaned, went to the dog shelter, and did laundry. Irritability is still present and I got my now typical burst of hypomanic energy this evening. But, I actually feel tired right now so maybe that means I'll be able to go to bed/actually fall asleep faster than I have these past two weeks. I have to get up in the morning for an IV appointment so falling asleep quickly would be nice. I've realized that I have been having very vivid dreams since my meds stopped working (I normally don't wake up with memories of dreams). They are so vivid that, when I wake up from them, my brain doesn't feel like it's slept even though I know it was a dream.

I'm starting to wonder if I will need to increase my risperidone more than 1 mg. I don't think 5 mg is an option with what the pills come in so I think I'd have to try 6 mg next. I need to see how being back to school impacts my mood before making any final decisions, but my gut is telling me an increase to 4 mg isn't going to cut it because it hasn't gotten me stable as fast as a proper dose increase normally does.

I'm not really tired or anxious for once. I woke up around 4:30 to watch a season of a TV show that just started last night. I recorded it. My nephews are over and the show is not apropriate for them. But my moods and stomach are weirdly ok too. I slept pretty good. I fell asleep before 6 and then I woke up around 4:30. Idk what the difference is today.

My endocronoligist put me on metformin and I was reading the benefits it has on mental health. That is the only new thing I've started.

But I feel this weirdly calm feeling. And I'm not crazy hungry or thirsty either.

((((HUGS))) to all having sleep and dealing with depression/hypomania.

I am having an excellent day. I had no trouble falling asleep last night, slept 8 hr., and I had no bad dreams that I can remember for the first time in ages. I took a power walk this morning, showered, had breakfast. I was able to lose myself completely reading my book with the SAD lamp; an hour went by like nothing. Drawing went a lot better today than yesterday; I felt like I was able to get in the zone or something. As always, pics all in the creative corner, one pic posted below:

I love the stem! Its just so alive! I know, im weird.

Fought with my friend/boss yesterday-- had a 3.5 hour conversation today that they feel like went well.... but I don't know if my point was ever made sober to their ears-- I'm not the right fit here, and they should be looking to replace me ASAP. I'm not quitting on them, because they need me.... but I'm not the right person for this job.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna I love the stem! Its just so alive! I know, im weird.

There is a trick with shading stems, make the sides dark and blend progressively towards almost white to the center or just off-center, makes them look pretty realistic

I slept 5 hours total last night. It’s not enough and I’ve been sleep deprived for like a week. But I guess it’s better than nothing.

I have a volunteer shift tomorrow. I’m feeling better from that stomach flu I had for several days. So I’m ready to volunteer again. I don’t particularly feel like going tomorrow. I just want to sleep but I’m gonna go regardless because I don’t want to screw them over a day before my shift. I’m really irritable from the lack of sleep over the last 5 days. I snapped at someone in another thread and I feel bad about it I didn’t mean to it’s just been a hard several days and I’ve been highly irritable.

I was crying last night. I’m so tired and I can’t really focus on anything.

I feel completely alone now. Deleted social media including FB messenger which was the one way I could communicate with two of my close friends (but one called the cops on me three times now, so I don't think I'm going to be ever reaching out to him again). When I got back from the hospital I was talking to my bf for a bit, but just felt really overwhelmed and split on him, but thank God I didn't completely freak the f out and just told him to give me some space until I stabilize. It's not like the bridge is burned, but right now I think of him and see red, so I'm just trying not to. It's winter so not as many people are outside to chat with at the park (not like I've even been going too often myself). It's hard to talk to my mom because she's very literal and organized, and can't follow my thoughts as much, whereas she is so detailed when she speaks I get lost and bored, and that's the times I'm not so irritable things go haywire.

I think I'm gonna go for a walk now. I really don't want to leave the house, especially not alone, kinda scared, but it's probably a good idea.

There was a fire in one of the apartments on my floor or the building. The fire department put it out now and we were finally allowed back upstairs. My poor cat is scared and hiding due to the fire alarm

so glad that class is over. winter storm coming tomorrow....lots of damage expected. dreading this and praying no power outages bbut theyre saying we will. ugh. this is gonna suck.

I randomly fell asleep for an hour or so around 11:30 this morning. I don't remember falling asleep. Just waking up at 12:39. I still feel ok. I'm a bit bored but theres not much to do. My anxiety is ok. I had some nausea heartburn stuff a couple hours ago but I took care of it.

Its cold out but I'm toasty in bed in my Nike sweatpants and the heat is turned up. I'm glad that weird night sweat phase is over with. It was a side effect after I had my surgery.

I want a huge bowl of Kix cereal

4 mg of risperidone is definitely not doing the trick. My irritability got really bad again today. After being gone for a few weeks, my roommate got home this evening and I was ready to pick a fight with her shortly after she got back simply because she bought a new spatula. I'm really worried about all of this irritability now that my roommate is back and with going back to work-I'd hate to lose it on a student or say something stupid to a coworker or, worse, my boss. I just also have to spend a lot more time trying to cover things up which means all this irritability will just build up until it explodes.

It's only 8:30 pm and I'm already tired so, hopefully, that means I'll sleep. I think I'm on a little bit of a crash at the moment with the irritability lingering in the background. I also went on an okay lengthed walk so that might have helped get rid of some energy.

I really hope a higher dose of risperidone is all I need-not a new antipsychotic. It took over two years to find one that worked-I don't think I have it in me to go through that process again. I already lose a little bit of my ability to fight bipolar disorder with every mood episode as it is.

So hot today I feel like the day has been wasted. Just lying on my couch contemplating putting on the central cooling. My partner goes back to work tomorrow. Boo

Feel like crap. Still super congested and sore throat.

My volunteer coordinator texted offering to cover my shift today and I accepted because I feel horrible and don't want to get anyone sick