Bipolar Check-in #87

Sorry about the contacts @Mountaindewed - Some people are just intolerant to wearing them. I was lucky I wasn't because I would have been wearing coke bottle thick glasses even with the thinnest most expensive type of lens, my eyes were so bad. Sucks going to the eye doc 3 weeks in a row though.

I have a job interview set up with McDonald’s

I’ve been mentally in crisis mode for like a week now but I feel like I’m gaining back some control in my life in the midst of this chaos I’ve been dealing with.

@Blue_Bird When is your interview? I hope it goes well!

My therapist said me not feeling great mentally or physically these last few days was most likely from the eye pain. The yellow drops are making my eyes feel pretty good though right now.

I have therapy tommorow and a pcp appointment on Monday. Then on Tuesday I'm going on one of my little trips I take about every other month.

Theres this other job I'm going to apply to. Again. Years of expierence at similar stores. I have open avalaibilty. I'm not asking for a ton of hours or too few. I'm asking just for minimum wage.

Next week thanks!

Thanks @Blueberrybook

I hope it does something too. It's a big involved process with lots of appointments before and after treatment.

Once in off Remeron, I'll just be one 1 med - Lamictal. My pdoc suggested last summer that I consider stopping my meds and I said I would do it after the trial.

The idea is to find out how I am off meds since I've been taking them for over 20 years now. I know it's risky but my pdoc will monitor.

I'm currently not working so this is a good time to try this. If I go even lower I won't have to stress about work or family because my kids are adults.

Besides, I have tried just about everything except MAOIs and first gen antipsychotics, so my pdoc says I'm running out of options.

I did get accepted into ECT so that's an option, but I'm hesitant to go for it.

It's all regulated here so you have to go through specific steps to get accepted. Same with the psilocybin trial, they only accept patients with a certain clinical history and presentation.

Congrats on the interview @Blue_Bird. I hope it goes well!

This week is going okay. I'm still feeling under the weather. I can't tell if things are getting better or if my symptoms are just shifting. I have a ton of grading to do right now so am trying to play a little bit of catch up, especially since the end of the quarter is coming up. I teach junior high-at the end of the month, the entire junior high teaching team at my school is being required to participate in a team building activity because a meeting we had this week got pretty heated. In my opinion, a team building activity won't fix the problem. We need administration to step in, set expectations, and enforce them.

My mood has been pretty good. My POTs symptoms are acting up a bit because of this cold (possibly cold and allergy combo).

So long story short what I’ve been alluding to in my posts regarding some issues that have come up. I had a disability review last Tuesday. Over the phone. Lasted all of 6 minutes. And it was denied. And I’ve been on SSI since I was 19 and I’m 30 now. I think becoming my own payee triggered the review. Cause I hadn’t had one in many years and a week after I became my own payee they decided to review my case. So like now I have to appeal it. My therapist and psychiatrist are fully supporting me in my appeal it’s just been stressing me out because I’ve been scared of losing my apartment and my cats. So like I applied for the part time job in the mean time to get me through because my rent is income based so it’s 30% of my income. So at least I have that in the mean time until this appeal crap is dealt with. Anyway idk wtf. For a little while I was thinking of just saying eff everything and giving up entirely and going and being homeless. But my psychiatrist and therapist fully support me and are gonna assist in anything I need in regards to proof of my disability. I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type and have been diagnosed with it since I was 18 years old.

@Blue-Bird I am so sorry! That has to be so scary. And it's ridiculous to do a review simply because you had one positive change they knew about. I hope that the appeals are processed quickly and you can get out of this horrible stress.

I'm now officially (I fought this) back on 2 scheduled doses of 12.5 mg of Seroquel in the afternoon and evening and it's all thanks to the orange man. It's not much but it helps a little without making me groggy. I may have to go on 25 mg twice a day but I really don't want to increase the dose if I can avoid it. I just can't imagine not being anxious for the next 4 years. So much for getting off klonopin....

I see my pdoc Monday so we can go through this together.


I'm so glad for this place where I know I'm not alone in this.

Oh, blue bird I’m so sorry. Did they not understand you already tried working? You gave it a really good try too. I’m so sorry you got an idiot on the phone call.

Rainbow. Yeah the orange one is something I talk about in therapy cause, yeah,…anxiety! Talked to my pdoc too.

I can only talk about the orange one to my pdoc. My therapist and I...........don't see eye to eye on this. One of the downfalls of seeing someone for 19 years is you can read them and when we did talk about it I could tell pretty easily that he was an orangeman supporter. I have no idea what he thinks I need the extra Seroquel for. I guess we could talk about it but it's awkward. I know he probably doesn't support everything but feels passionate about some things that the orangeman believes in that I don't.

My pdoc is totally happy to talk about it though and she'll be fine with the PRNs I added. I hope. Because I really need them.

I couldn't get on the plan. You have to have ssdi. I'm on ssi. We sat on the phone for 3fuuucking hours on hold to learn that! The insurance agent seemed new. Bc he said my mistake, I thought you said you were on disability. I said I am but they're 2 different kinds. I explained it to him but he still doesn't understand. Not up to me to teach him.

You're doing better than me. I can only walk 2 times up and down my hallway. It is a long hallway and I go from my door until I'm half way in my bedroom. So good on you!

I went though some comments but it's pages and I feel like I'm heading into a mixed episode. I'm just so sleep deprived. So I'm going to have my old caregiver once a week and a different one twice a week. When I used to go mixed I would cry, get angry, feel remorse for being mean, just all over the map. Now when I'm heading there it's mainly anger and irritation. I have to get more sleep bottom line. Today I felt like I could just sleep and sleep and sleep. I think having caregivers come just 3 times a week is best for now. I'm so worm out.

@BeyondtheRainbow and @Nammu

Thank you, yeah I did give working a real try a year ago with retail and it definitely was hard and didn’t work out, it screwed up my sleep routine entirely and I was going days without sleeping and manic and paranoid and anxious and dissociating constantly and under a lot of stress. I am definitely not looking forward to doing it again but I will have to at least temporarily while I get this stuff straightened out. Thankfully I have my therapists and psychiatrists full support and they can provide any documentation needed.

I feel like food service is gonna be even more stressful than retail was if that’s even possible. But I just have to last a few months.

I fell asleep before 8 and I woke up around 3. I just feel meh physically. I had a dream where I almost missed a flight to Florida. I have read that dreams of missing flights means something.

I found this about the meaning of missing flight dresms
Fear of failure:

The act of missing a flight can symbolize a deep-seated fear of not reaching your goals or failing in a significant endeavor.

Procrastination:

Being late for a flight often represents delaying important tasks or decisions in your waking life.

Stress and anxiety:

The feeling of rushing to catch a flight can reflect general stress and anxiety about upcoming events or changes in your life.

Sounds like me.

Some positions within food service are 1000x more preferable to retail! You could not pay me enough to go back to the dollar store, but would definitely go back to Dunk's. It's not "easier" but it was definitely more engaging and easier to get through the day.

@Blue_Bird Forgive me if this is being too intrusive but wouldn't working just give them more ammunition than you can make it without disability? They continue to pay you through the appeals right? So should they see that you got a job as soon as it was suggested you might be able to work (when you know that working is hard for you and needs to be done with SSI back-up/Ticket to Work)? I'm not saying you can't work, I'm just saying is this the best time to try? Am I even making sense?

I’m not sure if I still get paid through the appeals I just don’t want to end up homeless and without my cats. Cause if I don’t have an income I won’t have an apartment anymore

This is what I found with a quick search. You should be ok as long as you start your appeal as soon as you get written notice.

"

• Non-Medical Initial Determination:
  • If you ask for a reconsideration in writing within 10 days of the date you receive the notice, any payment we are currently making will continue until we make our reconsideration determination if you continue to meet all other SSI eligibility requirements.
  • If you ask for a reconsideration more than 10 days after the of the date you receive the notice, but within 60 days of the date you receive the notice, your payment may decrease temporarily. However, we will restart any payment we are currently making once we receive and enter your reconsideration. You will continue to receive that payment until we make our reconsideration determination if you continue to meet all other SSI eligibility requirements.
  • If you do not want to continue to receive payments, you can ask us not to continue payments by completing Form SSA-263 (Waiver of Supplemental Security Income Payment Continuation).
• Medical Disability Cessation Determination:
  • If you appeal a medical disability cessation determination and you want to keep receiving benefits until we make a new determination, you must complete a written request for benefit continuation within 10 days after the date you receive the written notice. You are entitled to a hearing with a disability hearing officer.'

Okay thank you! I’m still waiting on the written notice

I've just skimmed through the posts, will go back and read them later.

Oh, @Blue_Bird I am so, so sorry! That is awful news.
Trump really sucks.