Bipolar Check-in #87

Welp, made it a whole week totally clean/sober now. I'm on my third day back on meds and the SI is back today, but just passively right now. I really want to self-harm though.

I loooove being on meds they help soooooo much..... I loooooove the drive down to the office and not being able to do any real hikes or ski in the morning when conditions are least sucky because I have to do med management at 9am every day... I looooove how I had to pay for a new bottle of cold medicine because there was an interaction with the stuff I was taking and my sleep med....

So my pdoc is going to track down a case manager to help us. We have 5 days before the eviction begins. No one is answering or responding to emails. This is ridiculous.

Oh, muddy, you are such a card! theres a boomer word for ya. Actually i think its prewar.

@MuddyBoots Awesome making it a week clean and sober! I hope the meds start to help. Sorry about the SI/SH thoughts.

My pdoc appt. went quick. No one was waiting, so I got in & out fast. Pretty much as predicted, just med refills and come back in a month. He seems pretty happy with how I'm doing.

My mood is pretty good today though my drawing was just okay. Well, I drew 2 birds and that went fine but after the plumbers arrived, my drawing drive went out the window. Drawing the nightcap was a lot of fun though. The plumbers are still here, and I will be glad when they are finished!


I did see a couple of different things driving to and from my appt. today. First, I got behind a truck with a Maine license plate, you don't see that here very often! Then, on the way home, turning into my subdivision I saw a car that had a variety of rubber ducks lined up along the dashboard facing out the windshield! Very strange, I wonder what the deal is with that!

Was it a Jeep by any chance?

I mean, I know I can be fun at parties

I have a bit more time to waste before I leave for my sister. I picked up my groceries and some gray gunk came out of my left eye. But its the right eye that is bugging me.

I think the days I feel good vs my bad days revolve around when I get my weekly shot. Since the good/ bad times seem to be on the same days. I'm not sure if this issue can be fixed or if its just a trade off for being who I truly am.

I did eat pretty healthy today which might have helped.

Thanks @Blueberrybook and @MuddyBoots.

I saw my doctor about some things and the weakness. He's doing some tests but my blood work came back and I'm really low on iron.

He said I'm probably dealing with post viral syndrome (?).

So I'll be starting iron soon, he's sending a prescription to my pharmacy so I'm not sure if it's an over the counter supplement or something else. This happened years ago and it happens because I'm vegetarian, so I'm not surprised.

I know I need to eat more. It's that food isn't really doing it for me now. I did have some beans after the gym today.

Oh I have an update on my psilocybin trial. It looks like it'll be in May. I have to stop remeron though and I have to do it fast because I need to be off it for a month before the trial.

They said I'll be in the hospital for 8 hours on treatment day and then I can't drive for at least 2 days. My wife has to monitor me for 24h afterwards and I get 3 MRIs - one before, one during, and one after. They're also providing talk therapy before and after. Quite the undertaking.

I’m doing okay. Should be an okay day at work today. Year 7s are on camp and they’re the only ones on my timetable. I had a rude email from a parent yesterday that I’ll deal with later on today. I’ll probably give her a phone call rather than back and forth via email. Will go to the chemist after work today to pick up my next dose of Wegovy. I’m currently on 0.25mg and I go up to 0.5mg. I’m picking it up a week early in case they don’t have that dose in stock. Then tonight from 5-6pm is Meet the Teacher at my son’s school. I’ve already met her at the swimming carnival and to be honest I don’t really feel like mingling with other parents but my son will want to go and he’ll want to show me his work so I guess there’s that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots Was it a Jeep by any chance?

Nope! A Honda Civic.

@Scooter9 That's weird you have no appetite on Remeron. All I wanted to do when I was on it was eat and sleep! When my cat was sick with a long-acting fungus that caused her to lose weight we were even given a topical generic version of Remeron to rub inside the outer part of her ear to stimulate her appetite, and boy, did it! It also came with a warning to use gloves when applying it so as not to get absorbed into your skin and mess with your mental health.

But of course, I'm on Seroquel, and I don't gain weight on it while lots of others do. I thought Remeron was even more of a weight gainer than Seroquel, but everyone's different.

I actually just stopped taking Remeron because of the weight gain aspect (you can see how with a past of an ED uncontrollable never full appetite might be a problem). I told the pdoc I just wasn't going to take it, let me try something else.

I've been taking remeron for years and it hasn't been a problem, even at the very beginning. Everyone's different I guess.

The pharmacy called and is an over the counter iron supplement. That's good because I know of one that works well for me - a liquid that doesn't cause me constipation. Expensive, but that's how it goes.

My sleep is really bad, I'm getting just 4 hours. This has been such a problem for the past 5-6 years. My pdoc doesn't give me anything for it, we wait it out. It eventually passes but it's hard to go through it.

Doctors here generally don't prescribe meds for sleep. Similar to how they avoid benzos.

@Scooter9 I hope the iron helps you feel better and that the trial helps. On the other hand, you've also been really low lately so maybe after the trial it may be worth trying something different than Remeron when you need to go back on psych meds? I'm not really on a "sleep" med either...without Seroquel, I doubt I'd sleep nearly as well as I do. I suppose technically I'm on trazodone for sleep too, but really the Seroquel is the main player, of course that's for mania too though.

So, without going into religion too much, I went to church for my first ever Ash Wednesday. I have been really contemplating what my problem is, and I think I just need to spend more time with my higher power, (God), especially since it is so pivotal in my recovery. I have pretty much gotten good advice about my ex-mother-in-law investigating me, I don't think she can do anything without my ex-husband's permission, (she said she was doing it behind his back), which is already unethical - just goes to show what kind of person she is.

For me personally, I think it's important that I shift my focus and take care of myself - things like cleaning my house and eating better. I am doing much better than sleeping till 3pm even though I am still really tired. My heart is still broken though so for Lent, I have decided to give up social media and dating all together. I had started going to dating apps and chatrooms online in search of someone, and it was just bringing me down. For Lent, I am going to give all that up, I think it will be good.

I hope everyone has been well and taking care of themselves. @Blueberrybook - thanks so much for thinking of me, I know you guys really care and it means so much to me.

I’ve been dissociating a lot. I dissociated on the walk to my therapy appointment today and on my walk back home.

OMG, sticker shock! So the first plumber out couldn't fix the problem with our clogged bathroom sink drain; he said someone is going to have to tunnel under the house and they don't do that. The second company comes out and says it will be $5000 to fix the one drain or $30,000 to do them all! And H is leaning towards doing them all but if we do that, we will have to re-fiance the house or get a loan, ugh! I think he's going to get a couple more quotes whereas I'd be like let's do the $5000 and worry about the rest when it comes around, but this is a house built in the 1960s and we've around had to pay for part of the original sewer line on our property disintegrating as well and H is feeling if we stay here longer and don't move, we're better off repairing it all.

I don't know. I talked to my mom; she said just leave the decision in H's hands, and he is telling me I've got no reason to be anxious we could even afford to paid $30,000 straight out but it would eat up half our bank account, so we definitely wouldn't do that. And here I am when manic all flippant about money and H is panicking, and now I'm the one panicking and H is calm about it.

I wish I still had clonazepam to take for moments like this! Well, I guess I do and I don't. Not really. I think I will definitely take an extra 25 mg Seroquel though.

Omg blueberrybook that's a crazy amount of money.....

Yes, brilliantly there is no crawl space under the house and the drain is built right in to the slab foundation. I honestly feel like I am going to pass out!

Oh, blueberry that’s terrible. Houses are so expensive! Gosh. Sending you purple vibes that you find a cheaper alternative that does a good job!

I went to bed late, read into the blizzards night. Woke early tho and said nope. Went back to dream land and woke up at 11am. The blizzard was over except for high winds that blow the snow everywhere. There was a whole bunch of us in the community room playing games, 500, doing puzzles.

I’m taking a break and watching jeopardy. I need to go back down at 6 for penny poker. I picked up $5 worth of Pennie’s to make sure I didn’t run out. It’s nice to live here on days like today.

My drawing and painting books haven’t gotten here yet! I’m anxiously awaiting them.

I took a 1 mile walk to see if it would calm me down some, maybe a little. Unfortunately, H is recording a video for his class right now, and that usually takes him FOREVER, so I can't exactly talk to him, plus he has to catch up on emails from work that he missed dealing with 2 plumbing companies coming over.

Whatever we do, I'm just going to have H make the decision for us. I suck at managing money. I overspend on groceries though I have found I do better when I use curbside pickup and don't actually shop in-store, and as H said we're going to go into debt anyway having to pay for our daughter's college and probably needing to replace our cars in the near future since one is 20 yr. old the other 30 yr old. And our hot water heater is on it's last legs too.

I guess it could be worse. The plumbing problem is just a clogged bathroom sink drain, we don't have sewage seeping all over the place and having to make an immediate decision because of that. We do have 2 bathrooms, the other has a working sink, but it's annoying not to have a working sink, washing your hands in the bathtub.

I'm currently looking after ONE student who hasn't gone on camp. Why they can't send her to a different class I don't know. What a waste of manhours......

So the program that is paying for deposit, first month rent, and moving came through we get our stuff tomorrow. Now just HUD is holding us up. I don't think we're going to get a furniture voucher but that's okay we'll slowly get a couch, beds, and bathroom furniture. Our 2-person table comes Friday. We'll eventually get better seating but for now it's good.

@LadyShadow - What a gorgeous picture! I'm religious but haven't been to church in a long time. The church we really liked going to had a financial planning class there and oh, boy, it was the Dave Ramsey deal, we went and H was not happy at all with the ethos of that plan and then said some things to some members of the group and now we're kind of embarrassed to go back. Also, the music, while nice, is very loud; modern Christian, and they've got a whole live band of church members playing the instruments and the amps to blow out your ears! H and I were okay with the music; it's just my daughter, she has so many sensory issues and hasn't really outgrown any of them. One of them is loud noises, she can't even stand when I vacuum or run the stand mixer both of which are much quieter than the church music; she goes in her room and shuts the door when I vacuum or mix things. We tried a couple other churches, but really didn't care for the services. Though my mom did take us to church every Sunday; I thought it was an incredible bore as it was a very traditional Presbyterian church, sermons were very boring if you were a kid...honestly, half the time, my dad would fall asleep and even start snoring until my mom poked him awake (this was before he became a born-again Christian Bible thumper and now a Bible Thumper Trumper, which is even WORSE!). Though now I do see there was a bit of beauty in the predicatability and carrying out of the certain cermonies, prayers, responses, candelighting, organ music, etc. which they totally didn't have at the church we were attending here, but on the other hand, the sermons were so much more interesting and engaging at the church we're too embarrassed to return to!

As a Protestant, I've never given up things for Lent, but I agree it sounds like a very good idea to give up online dating especially since the hard breakup you really only just had; you need to give yourself time to heal from that first! And I have given up social media except NextDoor which I'm complating maybe only using for severe weather situation updates (tropical storms, hurricanes or if I need a recommendation for a new dentist or something like that) and staying away from it the rest of the time because even on that, there are still people wanting to cause drama AND wanting to see the worst in every single person that house camera records when most of them honestly look like they are solicitors. I do NOT regret giving up Facebook, Twitter, instagram I never really even understood, so that was no big loss. FB especially made me feel SO inadequate as a wife and mother; pictures of look at my beautiful family doing X, here's my (super elaborate) Christams decorations, you can see how clean their homes are, they are doing things with their kids constantly, the husband is always buying the wife flowers, but we started talking about it; really,first we have a small house with not much place to display flower bouquets, and 2nd, they never last long anyway, the money could be put to better use. So I told H he didn't need to buy me flowers any more (though then I of course won't have a "Look what gorgeous bouquet my H bought me for no reason!) to post, but it was more than that; FB most of the time people just post the positive stuff, and it's really enough to make you feel like you're not good enough as a person.

@Nammu - Sounds like you had a fun day playing games.

I'm hoping now I'm spent some time venting on MSF, I'll be able to read again. The book I am reading is very good though it takes place in the summer in the Shetland islands where it never really gets dark in the night at summer and the winter days are all dark. I don't think I could live in an environment like that!

Contacts aren't going to work out. I was in really bad pain when I had them on and my mom was so dismissive and just like "they are supposed to hurt while you get used to them." I went to the eye doctor and she said my contacts have multiple tears in them and pain isn't normal. She put some drops on my eyes and checked and said I'm lucky there weren't any tears or scars.

She said I could go through another training, but I told her not at this time. Maybe down the road. She still wants to dilate my eyes but because she put 3 drops of yellow dye and my eyes were already so irritated, I have to come back yet again next week.