Bipolar Check-in #87

@LadyShadow Congratulations on the ceremony and joining your church! I know it means a lot to you.

@MuddyBoots - Conrad looks like he loves mischief!

Oh, eh on blue cheese but beets I love them especially pickled and especially in my borscht. I make the best borscht you’ll have ever tasted. It’s from a vegetarian cookbook. The problem is I can only cook it in a huge soup pot. I’ve converted lots of beet haters with my borscht. Of course sour cream and fresh dill weed is half the secret.

Well my taxes are all done! It cost a bit but I’ll get a nice rebate plus a check for the cost of doing taxes. It’s just soooo gorgeous outside. Not at all like March in Minnesota!

Love all the cat photos! Keep them coming!

Why do I have to feel like **** but also not want to take medicine. My husband took of the closet panel for me to show me there wasn't a speaker in the wall. So yeah I've been a bit terrified of t and pdoc. Now t have to tell her Thursday.

Today we talked about why I don't like people in my house or have keys to my house, we talked about si and the hospital, masking, trust. How some of my stuff that we attribute paranoia is rooted in things that have happened.

Okay…
Here’s Nomad!

Loving all these pictures of pets!

One thing my NP in the hospital taught me is that it doesn’t really count as psychotic paranoia if it’s happened before. Like my fear of my meds being poisoned? I’ve been incorrectly dosed and ended up delirious for weeks before, have been forced to keep taking an injection I was allergic to, was forced an injection that’s side effects were bad enough to cause a sui attempt. Me wanting control over my meds isn’t “out of touch with reality.”

But just because a belief might be based on a trauma doesn’t mean it’s an accurate belief. 90% of the time I tolerate my meds and unless I’m on a CD (or actively in the hospital on an IEA) I do have the right to refuse them and now have a pdoc that tries to listen and help. It doesn’t feel that way though because past events make things seem less certain.

Thank you muddy. I think she was relieved that it was trauma not paranoia. I'm super glad I'm on the injection because I would not be taking my meds anymore. Safe foods are no longer safe. I'm screwed. I need to find a nutritionist that will work with me. I just cancelled both cancer screenings I had for Wednesday eventually my jaw will fall off and stop hurting. We were suppose to tell assistance we moved to start over again with applying but I don't want the month of thinking I'm going to be arrested.

So cute! Love the taco pillow he’s holding

@Blue_Bird No, I've read the books before and seen the movies a bunch of times. I also love them! This Christmas, I was able to use some gift card money to buy the box set of the HP books so now I'm slowly working my way through them. The fifth book is my favorite-what's yours?

I had a good day off today. Had brunch with a friend and her little one and went to a park with them afterwards. I got my taxes done and went to a different park to get a nice walk in. I'll be leaving shortly for the volunteer meeting at my church. They do house visits with the people asking for assistance and, because of my work schedule, IV appointments, and wanting to get a second job this summer, I just don't know if it will work out. But, I'll go again today and see what I think.

I might be meeting with my boss about my contract tomorrow (still waiting to hear back from him). I'm trying to decide how blunt I can be without him deciding he won't sign my contract. It's a good thing all this stress hasn't made me manic (knock on wood). Who knows what I'd end up saying to him if I was manic.

Aww that’s awesome! My favorite is either the 4th or the 5th I forget which, it’s been awhile since I’ve re-read them. But I have a box set of them here. Sometimes when I need something to do without screens like before bed I’ll pull out one and start reading. I do need to re-read the series again though so maybe I’ll start doing that tonight

I’m pretty sure it was the 5th that was my favorite though I also really loved the 4th as well

The time change kinda kicked my *** today. I've been off and on sleeping since 1:30. My favorite uncle is having bladder issues where he needs to get to a bathroom every 10 minutes. He had a CT scan and it showed something but he hasn't gotten the results back.

People are concerned about me and this heart issue. My mom was all like "you're health is concerning, but I don't think your're going to die. We just need to get things resolved."

I feel fine right now though after sleeping most of the afternoon.

I'm kinda odd because my mental health symptoms started when I was 12 and then drastically decreased when I was 18. I only spent part of 2006 and 2007 in and out of the hospitals then twice in 2009 and once in 2015. When I was 19 I saw a new pdoc and he said that most peoples mental issue worsen as they age but I seem to be the opposite.

Thats why people still don't know what was my mental health or me just being a normal moody 14 year old. .

Well, didn't make it to the volunteer meeting at my church. I drove to the church, but the door I entered through last time was locked so I couldn't get to the meeting room. And, I didn't want to wander the campus in the dark to see if there was another way in.

I forgot to mention in my previous post-I learned today that a friend of mine has to abruptly move out of state and I won't get to see her before she moves. I'm pretty bummed about this.

It was an okay day at work. But I sure am glad to be home now. Day was long and I only finished at 4:30pm. Was there from 7:10am.

I am digging all the sleep I’ve been getting lately. Another 10 hours last night! Didn’t take any extra clonidine. Pdoc just added another dose, but I don’t see myself using that third one too much. Or even the second. The first is scheduled.

I slept 7 1/2 hours! Finally a night with more than 3-4 hours

I have an inspection today. About to walk to the store in about 30 minutes and buy some decaf coffee

I fell asleep at 8 and I woke up at midnight with bad heartburn and high blood pressure. I took a pepcid then I got back to sleep until 6:30. I'm really drowsy and I'm trying to wake up. I have a lot to do today.

Feels good outside today. 33 degrees Fahrenheit. I only needed a hoodie when I walked to the store, it’s cool and crisp out. And sunny.

I got my coffee. They didn’t have decaf so I ended up with a big container of Folgers black silk regular caffeine coffee.

@Blue Bird do you remember that Folgers commercial where the lady is touching the rows of coffee and these 2 snobbish hipsters give her a dirty look and then she shoves the entire shelf of coffee into her cart?

I have a vague memory of it actually lol I forgot about it until now

My mood is good today. Better than yesterday. I was really anxious and on edge yesterday from the days of lack of sleep. Now that I’ve slept a normal amount I feel a lot better. I have an apartment inspection at 11. Other than that plan on reading a lot and practicing violin. My next lesson is on Saturday.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my program manager.
Thursday I have a dentist appointment in the morning and a volunteer shift with the kitty rescue for 6pm to 8pm. So that’s gonna be a busy day.
Friday I’m helping with the St Patrick’s day craft event for the building. That’s from like 5pm to 6pm that day. Then Saturday violin lesson. Sunday another volunteer shift. And Monday is the St. Patrick’s day potluck which I’m looking forward to.

That’s the plans for the week.

I got a new wallet. Since the zipper broke on my old one

In general I’m doing well. Less irritable and angry.

I was weird yesterday too. The plumber was in my apartment for a bit and it threw off my whole day. I ended up sleeping most of the day, then slept fine at night too. I was kinda sick a few days ago from something i ate, so i think i was still recuperating. I increased a couple of my meds last night, which i have been toying with for the past month, and hopefully my dr will make those changes permanent next week. Its like, losing weight would help, but i need help until i do lose weight. And feeling better and not stressed about my stupid numbers definitely helps.

DMV is busy today! Should’ve made an appointment. Never had to before, but I waited in line an hour just to get a ticket and was told approx wait time is another 90 minutes. And of course the social security administrations phone number is still having “technical difficulties,” so I’m gonna head there after this and probably chill in their waiting room a couple hours.

I got another really good night of sleep. Asleep by 9pm, up at 6am.

The last time i was in the DMV was when covid was just beginning. Masks and spacing were not a thing yet, but there was a buzz in the air.

I hate going to the DMV; I think they may still call it the DPS in Texas. Every time I go, there is such a long wait. My license has to be renewed next year, and I'm hoping I can do it online without needing a new picture taken and having to go there in person!

I had a pretty good morning except my cat Pecan was walking and jumping all over me from 2 AM onward; finally I got up at 5:15 AM. Did pilates, showered, breakfast, read with the SAD lamp, drew a bit though I am not sure my side view of a face turned out, faces are so hard for me while birds seem to come pretty easily! (pics in the creative corner), and then crashed with a long nap. Fixing to have lunch now.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day!

Been up since 4:00am. Actually I was awake every hour from 12:00am just tossing and turning so not a great nights sleep. Wishing this day away already because I know it won’t be great on the teaching front but I’ll survive 4 classes. I teach 3 in a row, have a slight break then teach my last class. It’s the very last class that are going to keep me on my toes ….