Bipolar Check-in #87

I usually brag on my small town pharamcy but I overheard a conversation that really was offputting. I was waiting for my prescription to be filled and the woman on the phone was being a bit hateful about this person's refill not being able to be filled yet. They were apparently talking about two different medicines at the same time and getting a bit confused on each other, it seemed. After she got off the phone she retorted "I just got a math lesson from that guy. He tried to explain to me what 28x2 was." and kept making fun of him., and while she didn't say anything outright, she did make the comment he was taking Suboxone. .... and thats where it really hit hard.

Maybe she thinks she is of a higher stature because she doesnt suffer with a drug addiction -- but people are people and deserve respect. From an outsiders point of view (mine), it felt like she was belittling him and even more so because of what he was concerned about. I'm not a drug addict but I worry excessively about having my medicine and having it on time. I felt a little acosted by her statement.

I just felt it was out of place, especially with customers, to make her comments she did.... the multiple she did while I was there.... anyway...

Monday is my day off, and my sister is gonna make me a belated birthday dinner. I hope it all goes well!

I barely slept again. Third night in a row with 4 hours of sleep. I got a workbook today for C-PTSD. Hoping it’s helpful

Anyway, I have the quarterly pest control inspection today and a meeting with my program manager. That’s about it for today. Gonna practice violin as well and read

I lost 2 pounds from all my water drinking yesterday.

My blood pressure this morning is 137/89 and my pulse is 120. Gotta figure out what to do. That 120 seems a bit bad considering my anxiety is fine.

Does that workbook look significantly different from The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook (Daniel J. Fox)? I feel like every time I open my book I have to use distress tolerance skills because it's diving into the "core content" memories and other stuff I don't like thinking about, so now I just haven't looked at it in a bit.


Also, how soundproof is your apartment? I'm really hesitant to bring my violin/other instruments here because I'm afraid my neighbors aren't going to really appreciate it that much. Walls are quite thin (got to listen to some good TMI times yesterday which was fun). My piano is digital and my guitar is electric so I'd have more sound control there (wouldn't even bring the amp unless I bring my bass too, but I probably won't because bass is kinda boring compared to other strings), but with violin/harmonica/trombone (esp. trombone, not that I really play that much anymore), I feel like I need a quieter place to practice. I'm gonna ask the people around me on this floor first, and obviously not practice during quiet hours if they seem okay with it, but idk. I honestly feel too self-conscious even just listening to a lecture without headphones. Just kinda wondering how the people are over there about it and if that's a concern for you. When growing up I watched my mom get a hatchet thrown at her for "walking too loud" so I don't want something like that to happen to me haha.

Weather was really nice today so my daughter and I took a rather pleasant walk to the store and back. I've been worried about her because we found out , so we hid all the knives and scissors in the apartment. Her grades have also been slipping. Not quite sure what changed since last semester.

My book proofs came in the mail today, so I've been reading through those and finding formatting issues that were NOT on the file I uploaded from my computer. Covers look cool though. I'll figure it out.

I was taken off 4mg of clonazepam in TWO MONTHS by a moron psychiatrist in the past and then taken off 30mg of diazepam in TWO DAYS by a stupid IP psychiatrist, so no, I DO NOT trust psychiatrists to take me off slowly! The only one I would have trusted is my old psychiatrist who retired, but when I asked him he told me I needed it because my anxiety was severe and he didn't want to take me off it.

I'm so dependent on stupid diazepam and gabapentin I forgot to take my afternoon doses and couldn't figure out why my hands were shaky and why I was so anxious all afternoon and evening until I went to take my night meds and saw I'd forgotten to take them.

I'm so fudging pissed. I don't know WHY I allowed myself to get into this situation again! After my clonazepam experience I swore I wouldn't touch a benzo again and here I am... again... stuck. And facing another nightmare withdrawal where I'll probably cry a few times like last time.

I know. I know. BOOHOO. Deal with it, raspberry.

You might need some potassium - orange, banana, baked potato, red pepper. You never report eating fruit or veg. Your sodium count might be okay, but it needs to be balanced with potassium - not 1 for 1, but both minerals are necessary for a body's electrical system to function. Otherwise youll think you have a dead battery! Or Pedialyte or gatorade. I personally would die if my heart rate was that high all the time. I thought your dr put you on a beta blocker? It should be controlling that and your blood pressure.

My worry stone arrived today. It’s less bright than I was hoping but it’s still really nice and pretty and feels good in my hand

Also got some new scented wax for my wax warmer. Hopefully they help ground me

Anyone have any advice for keeping a nail from falling off? Like 4 months ago my cat dug his claws into the base of my nail and it grew weird and separated (there's like a rip across most of the width about 2/3 down from base of nail to tip and it's in two layers), and now it's grown enough that any time the end of that nail hits anything it rips a little more and more and I don't want the top third of my nail to be missing. It just doesn't sound comfortable. @Crazy Hitch you're the nail guru, you have any advice?