Bipolar Check-in #87

I thankfully have a wonderful therapist now who has EMDR qualifications and is very informed about trauma and she is wonderful. I didn’t start seeing her until recently. Previous to this I had never worked on trauma in my therapy because I never would talk about it. And my previous therapist was nice and I liked her and had her for 8 years but she wasn’t very effective cause we just did very light talk therapy. My current therapist is a lot better. Immediately when I started seeing go her a couple months ago she began EMDR with me like in the 2nd session with her. She knows all about the polyvagal stuff and whatnot. She seems super well informed about this stuff and is very helpful. I’m glad I got her now. My current psychiatrist is really good too. I just started seeing him like a year ago

Kitty cats 🐱

Having a pretty good morning so far. It’s still so early though only a little after 9:30am. I took a shower, ate, brushed my teeth and took my morning meds.

I’d say things on the schizoaffective bipolar side of things are stable. My mood has been stable and minimal paranoia. My meds keep my mood stable and stop the paranoid delusions.

The thing I’m struggling with now that really can’t be controlled with meds is the PTSD part of my diagnosis. Cause like that causes dissociation, hypervigilance, anxiety, anger, irritability etc so I’m doing my best to manage it on my own. I know I have klonopin for anxiety and panic but I only take that once or twice a week maximum cause I don’t want to rely heavily on it or develop dependence. So I’m just trying my best to work on things with DBT and in therapy EMDR. Doing everything I can to stay grounded. The scariest thing that happens for me is when I start dissociating outside in public. Like while walking down the street. Which scares me because it’s dangerous. So I need to find a way to ground myself quickly when outside because I often dissociate outside cause there’s too much happening, too much bright light, too many cars, too many people, noises. It’s overwhelming.

Anyway, Im making some stir fried spicy ramen later so excited about that

And I found a new song to be obsessed with. It’s called Adventure Awaits by Adrian von Ziegler. It’s a Celtic song

Have you ever thought about a worry stone? I'm not religious,, but you could say a prayer on it and rub it and say that prayer.when you're disassociating. Also you can take a couple balls and put some essential oils on them. Just some thoughts.

@Blue_Bird I definitely struggle with the PTSD too; if I went to therapy, it might get better but I have been through over a dozen therapists and never clicked with a single one. I just got tired of committing my time and money. But I hope therapy helps you. The only thing that gets me through dissociation, well the 2 things really is knowing that it will pass and doing my best to carry on with my day and not panic about dissociating. Because if I panic about it, it just makes things worse and seems to make the dissociation last longer. I know I have a lot causing my PTSD, but dealing with it ugh! I have a lot of flashbacks, and often they come randomly, which is just the worst because I can't even identify a trigger. For the anxiety I do my best with grounding exercises which sometimes help and sometimes don't, but over time, I am finding I have gotten better with using deep breathing to help high anxiety. This is over a LONG, LONG period of time, I'm talking 2 decades worth of time, but it is something at least, so keep practicing it! Sometimes with the dissociation too, I find that just having a family around, things I need to do for them like meals, dishes, laundry, etc. gets me out of the dissociation faster than if I'm on my own and my daughter & husband are out when it happens. The hypervigilance is hard; I probably only really turn it off when I'm drawing or asleep. I feel like I am in fight or flight mode 24/7 and just cannot stop it. And every little unexpected thing I see out of the corner of my eye or hear really gets my heart racing. Sometimes I wonder if the hypervigilance is part of why my metabolism is so high (though I know I do exercise a lot too).

Yeah! I just took the Unit 3 test for my calc I review course (of course that's the first thing I do when I get wifi) and got a 100% too!

I went ahead and ordered a worry stone and a fidget thing

I’m also getting some orange ginger aromatherapy lotion and essential oils like you said to put on a cotton ball to smell when I’m dissociating. Aromatherapy is really helpful for grounding me. Thanks for the tips @Iloveanimals25

I wish I had a decent trauma therapist. I’m told over and over I should really do EMDR but they don’t have anyone trained at my mental health center, and I don’t want to lose my pdoc just to get a new therapist (or pay out of pocket).

My last therapist did point out a lot of my current behaviors are based on past events (as the specifics arose) but I kinda already gathered that and now I just want to not act like I’m still in that past.

I went ahead and ordered a worry stone and a fidget thing

My point is, that when you're on medicaid it's hard to find good therapy. So happy for you bluebird that you did. 😊

Yeah the difference between my current therapist and my last therapist is night and day. My last one was so sweet but she just wasn’t effective if that makes sense, and I was with her for 8 years so it was more like venting to a friend every couple weeks and that’s how therapy went for 8 years

@Mountaindewed Insatiable thirst is the worst! My POTs symptoms sometimes include insatiable thirst. I hope yours goes away soon!

Today has been good, but it sure went fast! I got a really nice walk in and sat outside while I was on a phone call. I also did some reading-I finished the third Harry Potter book and will read a bit of "We'll Prescribe You a Cat" after I finish this post. With my day off tomorrow, I might see a friend (still waiting to hear back), need to get my taxes done, will get a walk in, and I want to attend the volunteer meeting I've mentioned at my church. I've been thinking about everything that needs to get done these next couple of months and I am leaning towards getting a second job this summer. I'm not sure if it will be hard to get one since, during the school year, I have very limited availability. There is a job at one retail store where you just pick up shifts as you can-this would be ideal because I could easily pick shifts around my teaching schedule during the school year.