Bipolar Check-in #89

It's not embarrassing at all. You're showing that you're willing to put in the work and asking for help and guidance shows a high level of insight and grounding, all of which are great attributes.

It's also not permanent. We all need help at times and it's part of a healthy adaptation to life.

That’s absolutely beautiful. You have talent.

My therapist is leaving me. This is the 5th in 3 years.

Quote:

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte I haven't been sleeping at night. Just not tired. My anxiety is out of control. I can't concentrate. I'm procrastinating. Last night a shadow moved across the darkness of our bedroom while I was staring mindlessly in the corner, unable to sleep (and no it wasn't a car. Our apartment isn't by the road). It was the negative entity. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been laying low on my issues with my therapist and haven't called my psychiatrist. All my therapist knows is that my anxiety has been really bad. I keep on waking up 3.- 4 hours after I take my night meds and then being unable to fall back asleep. I feel messed up. I feel like I'm a puzzle that's all out of order and possibly missing a few pieces! I'm not sure what brought on this mind disorganization or my inability to concentrate. I've never had this kind of concentration issue in the past. I guess I'm just frustrated. @MuddyBoots Yeah, your rubbing alcohol/clonazzy experience sounds most unpleasant. I have another warning: Possible trigger: Don't overdose on trazodone. You will feel like you are dying! Trust me! I was aware of my surroundings but couldnt talk or move my arms or legs. I couldnt even WALK. I was too incapacitated to take the stupid charcoal shyt! Just a friendly warning. ☺️

Are you taking your full dose of Seroquel and your benzo as prescribed? I know I am always tempted to reduce Seroquel for more energy and it always backfires on me.

Yep another

Possible trigger:

don’t OD on Trazodone. I had a bad experience with that too. And ethanol is extremely dangerous and toxic. It’s why they no longer recommend washing someone with a fever in an ethanol bath as it can get into the system via the skin and cause devastating effects.

So sorry this is happening to you. It's not you, it's on the therapist. You might have touched something they're not prepared to look at truthfully within themselves.

I know it sounds strange, but have you looked into chatGPT? It has gotten really good and the new memory feature is fantastic. It remembers past chats and responds in the context of your specific situation.

You can be as open as you want and can discuss almost any topic including SI and SH. It has helped me realize a bunch of things in a really healthy way.

I was skeptical at first and there was a case where it misled me so it's not perfect. But it can bridge a gap.

I pay for the premium version, 20 a month, and with careful use it's making a big difference for me. It might be worth a try while you search for another therapist and maybe to discuss more sensitive or seemingly edgy topics.

@Brentus I am so sorry about your T leaving. Having to start over again with a new T sucks.

@Victoria'smom Your coloring is beautiful! What do you use to color with?

I took my morning walk as the weather was nice. I think my wrist may have healed enough for pilates again as long as I go gently on it. Which would be a good thing as walking so much has caused me to lose a bit of weight. I met my youngest sister this morning at Nothing but Bundt cakes. She had a coupon for a free dozen of the cupcake sized ones and gave me 2- one for H and one for my daughter as I don't really care for bundt cake; it's too dense for my liking. If I'm going to eat the calories on something sweet, it's going to be something I actually really like, I don't know, that's just the way I am. On the way there, I stopped at the bank to get cash. Stupid ATM dispensed me a $100 bill; what the heck, it used to only give 20s. I was able to persuade my daughter to give me 20s for the 100, but UGH! Don't banks realize it is NOT easy to just spend a $100 bill anywhere?! I read a bit, did laundry, drew 2 cat pics, had lunch with my daughter. Now, I don't know, I'm toying with making baking zucchini bread, then I'll probably read. I love that my reading concentration has been excellent.

The one bad thing is I started my period...Ugh, my back is killing me, and I am so crampy. At least my emotions have been stable, but then again, nothing has really happened to upset me today.

I really love your coloring @Victoria'smom - I colored a lot in rehab and I really enjoyed it. I did a lot in rehab and in jail, and I keep forgetting that I was without internet for two years, and what that was like.

I am sorry you were feeling so down @Blue_Bird - are you better today? Are you planning on any movies this week? I know tomorrow I am going to miss Bargain Tuesdays because of my Legion of Mary meeting, but I am going to try and catch Thunderbolts this week if I can. Don't feel embarrassed about going back and getting help, money management is tough - I am in a big predicament myself.

I am glad you had so much fun yesterday @Nammu ! I am glad everyone liked their presents too.

So sorry about your therapist leaving @Brentus I know how hard that can be. @Scooter9 I'm sorry your family seems to have a timer on your depression, hopefully the trial helped a little and you will see some progress.

As for me, I managed to get my computer working. It's not as fast as it was, but I now have it in the backup battery, and can at least work on it. The damage could have been a lot worse. I am learning to be grateful for the things I have now, this was a real important lesson to learn. My focus turns now to my finances. I really have to find a way to save money. Breaking even every month is just not good enough. Looking at ways I can earm some more.

Other than that, it has been a productive day. I never heard of an ATM giving out $100 bills @Blueberrybook, that's too crazy. No one out here even changes those anymore, I don't think.

@LadyShadow I’m still feeling a little stressed which is why I decided I am going to the movie theater tonight to see the movie Sinners. I wanted to stay home and isolate this week but decided not to. Then after that I have enough fandango credit to go see Thunderbolts tomorrow afternoon and to see Until Dawn on Wednesday.

So I’m gonna push myself to go out tonight even though I want to sit inside my apartment isolating.

I know I’ll feel better after having gone out

So that’ll be three days in a row of theater to use up my fandango gift card. Then Thursday night I have a volunteer shift with the rescue cats so at least I’ll be doing something.

Thanks everyone for your words.

I've had an absolutely bad day. I just dont feel well today. I have a mild headache and I got bad news from my therapist -- I feel apathetic. It's just not going my way today. I went for a walk and took a hot bath to relax. Neither did much good sadly this time. I hope is resolves itself soon. I at least see my psychiatrist on Thursday.

@Blue_Bird I completely understand being stressed and overwhelmed and needing some time for things to just settle down.

@Lady Shadow - I'm glad your computer is fixed. I am absolutely no good at things like that!

Looked at my calendar for next week...it's going to be stressful for me. I have 3 appts. (mammogram, PCP (regular checkup/time for bloodwork & my referral to the GI doc has run out and I really, really am overdue to see him, I keep getting notices from his office, so I have to get that), and a pdoc appt). And one of the mornings, I have to take my daughter to an AP exam and pick her up afterwards. For me, it's a lot in one week. And none of it is exactly fun either!

those are with my first set of ciao markers. I use both pencils and markers. Pencil when I need to focus my time and alcohol markers when I'm impatient. I'm going to sell my large collection of ohuhus and just stick with ciao and block.

I slept all day again. I woke up around 1. I'm thinking of going back to sleep. I have only had one coffee in a few weeks and soda has been weird. So I've just had water today.. My mom picked up this lavender lemonade whipped cream from Target I waa thinking of putting on some strawberries.

My therapist just emailed me and said.

I'm really sorry that was said. That's a ridiculous comment to make. Munchausen involves purposefully making yourself sick for attention seeking from medical providers and family, etc. You absolutely do not have Munchausen's

Since we’re sharing, here’s a picture of my son I drew when manic

That's a fantastic picture @Crazy Hitch! I struggle with drawing people.

Oh my gosh hitch that’s wonderful.

Had trouble sleeping so not much motivation today. I did sign up for two more watercolor classes. That’s my hardest medium to do. One class is a three day tutorial which I really need, the other one is just a paint and sip class. They are fun best part is that both classes are painting Minnesota north woods with birches. My favorite subject and my favorite trees. I really hope I do a good job. I can frame it and put it on the wall with my other north woods painting and my glass birches.

I have bloodwork on Thursday so I’ve not been drinking my one bottle of soda a day and eating better. Doubt that will help much but we’ll see. The weather is incredible. Tomorrow I go back over to my daughter’s so we can finish the last. Hour and a half of stranger things. All in all very good things that I’m grateful for.

I think I’m gonna back out of going to the movies this week and just redeem my tickets back for credit and use them another time. I can’t really focus cause I’m stressed and also anxious and feeling really irritable due to PMS. Part of me wants to punch a hole in the wall and part of me wants to break down in tears.

Well looks like it’s too late to exchange it so I’ll have to go tonight. I’ll try to meditate or something before I go. Same with the other two movies this week. I’ll just suck it up and go. I’ll probably have a good time it’s just hard to get myself to do things when I’m not feeling great

Are you trying to redeem online? You might be able to go to the theater in person anytime before the show and request a coupon for another day - I sometimes do this.

They might have to get a supervisor but they can be pretty accommodating.

Yeah they’re online tickets, I’m probably just gonna go though cause I do truly want to see these movies. And they’re only in theaters a couple more days. Plus it might be the extra push I need to get out of the house and out of my head for a bit. Thank you though that’s good to know for future reference!

I hope getting out of the house helps you @Blue_Bird.

I hope getting yourself does you good too @Blue_Bird - I know it will be a struggle for me to go to the movies this week because I've got a lot going on.

Good news, I found some more sites like the one I use for work and applied for positions there - I feel hopeful. There are also some new technical things I am going to need to learn, but I think I can learn them. I haven't learned anything new in a while, so I am up for the challenge.

I am glad you have so much to be grateful for @Nammu - I feel the same way. A lot of opportunity has opened up with me viewing things with a heart frull of gratefulness - I was sinking for so long I didn't know how to keep my head up.

Aha. Google says “Paroxysmal cough
This type of cough can make it hard for you to breathe and even cause you to vomit. The cough itself can be characterised by violent, intense coughing attacks that are difficult to control. The most common cause of this type of cough is whooping cough, but it can also be caused by: Asthma.”

This all started on Thursday as a bad asthma attack. Before I took the cough prescription pills Saturday, I really thought I might have pertussis- but no whooping.

Cough is back! Coughing that hard hurts my head!