Bipolar Check-in #89

I have therapy tomorrow. I hope it goes well. Haven't felt the best today. Hoping I sleep well.

@Scooter9Well, and you don't know but it's earlier days yet to show results from a trial (or is this sometimes expected to show very fast results?). It seems to me they need to give it time (and you too as well) to see what the long-term effects on your depression may be. Did they did any indication before the trial as to when you might expect to see positive results (if they are to appear)?

I’m feeling really sad. Mostly it’s self hatred.

@Blue_Bird I'm sorry. Why is the self-hated so bad? Was there a trigger?

@Brentus I hope therapy goes well for you tomorrow.

Basically I feel like **** because how my overspending got out of control and how I also am struggling and am gonna have to get a case manager again for more support. I hate that I have to do that again. I graduated from the case management program like several years back. But here I am again.

Also struggling with binge eating

CALL THE MIDWIFE!!

Another great episode

So I think it could have been the Mcdonalds breakfast that was messing with my stomach. That was at 10AM and I haven't eaten since and my stomach had been going crazy all day. I forgot I've had issues with their breakfast a few times.

I can't even eat mashed potatos tonight. Lately food has just been not appealing. They do make chocolate covered Sunmaid dried bananas now that are good.

American Idol is the same as it was 7 years ago. Same looking people with similar names.

Although I kinda have a hipster name myself

Oh, so good. But Ech garbage everywhere!

And poor Nigel!!! That was so saaaaad!!

So, for failing the dare, you owe me pie next April 14! The kids' gifts sound lovely.

Don’t cha mean March 14th?

And yes, poor poor N,….it was sweet too. I dint know cats and humans could share an illness.

I've been doing some coloring today to keep my mind off things.

I got really sick tonight
And my cats were walking around all freaked out. Now I feel ok but its been awhile since I ate anything and since like yesterday since I kept anything down.

I will not go to the doctors just to talk to him about my symptoms and test resuts though. I'll do a telehealth instead for that. It is ****in exhausting to do anything these days.

Anyways. I watched a youtube clip of an American Idol episode from when I was a teenager. It totally flew over my head how wasted Paula Abdul was when I was watching the show as a kid. Lol.

I haven't been sleeping at night. Just not tired. My anxiety is out of control. I can't concentrate. I'm procrastinating. Last night a shadow moved across the darkness of our bedroom while I was staring mindlessly in the corner, unable to sleep (and no it wasn't a car. Our apartment isn't by the road). It was the negative entity. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been laying low on my issues with my therapist and haven't called my psychiatrist.

All my therapist knows is that my anxiety has been really bad.

I keep on waking up 3.- 4 hours after I take my night meds and then being unable to fall back asleep.

I feel messed up. I feel like I'm a puzzle that's all out of order and possibly missing a few pieces! I'm not sure what brought on this mind disorganization or my inability to concentrate. I've never had this kind of concentration issue in the past.

I guess I'm just frustrated.

@MuddyBoots

Yeah, your rubbing alcohol/clonazzy experience sounds most unpleasant. I have another warning:

@raspberrytorte

Your right - beware the pi's of March!

Hey, google says cats rarely get Weil's disease - they took quite a bit of poetic liberty with that last night.

I fell asleep around midnight and then I had all these weird fever dreams. Or else they really were messing with that car again. I think I was coughing through out the night but maybe I dreamt that too. I woke up at 4 and I was about 3 pounds less since yesterday and then when I tried getting back to my room I all of a sudden felt like I was in an office? And I legit thought it. I tried looking for the light switch and I thought I bumped into a plant and then I bumped into my TV stand and thought it was an office table. I just stood there for a couple seconds before finding the light switch.

Yeah. not sure if this is an issue. I don't have a temp and my BP is fine.

Oh absolutely, I agree it's likely to take some time.

I'm noticing small, subtle changes which is really nice.

My family on the other hand, is counting the days since treatment and are wondering when I'll be cured. It's so ridiculous. Despite all the patient explanations and discussions, not just with me but also healthcare professionals, they're expecting and waiting for the day that I'm cured.

Wow you’re really good at coloring! I see a lot of peoples coloring pages in Facebook groups and on TikTok and instagram. Coloring really is a whole art unto itself

I like to color but I’m not nearly as good. I mostly do it to relax. I have a few coloring books I like to use

You inspired me. Maybe I’ll color some today.

Good morning. I ended up not going to the movies last night. I stayed home as I was tired and it was raining all day. Anyway, I have some stuff to do today. Gotta talk to my program manager. Also gotta walk to the library to return some books. Practice violin, and get on the treadmill for 30 min. Plus take a shower, and call my therapist to schedule our next appointment since she forgot to call me back last week. That’s the plans for today. And read for an hour before bed.

How do you guys have all these talents and can play instrumets and draw? I quit the viola in 6th grade and my art teacher hated me so much and I ran into her as an adult and she gave me and my mom dirty looks. My mom said "wtf. Thats weird that she is still so rageful years later."

I waa good at my job but the managers just rewarded me with more work in unsafe working conditions.

Talent is really mostly an intersection of something you’re really truly passionate about and something you’re willing to work hard at for many hours improving at regardless of how long it would take. If it’s not something one is passionate about chances are it’s not something one would spend countless hours working in to get better at. If there’s not genuine interest or passion there wouldn’t be much motivation to keep working at something.

I played violin in elementary school up till middle school. Lost interest probably due to stressful home circumstances. Quit and didn’t touch it again till I was an adult. Art is something I’ve always loved doing even as a kid all through my teenage years and adulthood. I’ve rediscovered my love for violin again as an adult and started taking lessons.

You have to love the process and not just the end result

I guess everyone thought I was going to be a writer. I went through some old jounrals from high school and tbey looked like eminem lyrics. A therapist I had asked about my writing one time and said it was "pretty impressive." I was really passionate about it as a teenager.

I would do that thing where I would start off slowly and all neat and then end up with 3 pages of crazy handwriting stuff

Your pictures look really nice, @Victoria'smom

I called case management services to re-enroll. I left a message with the director they put me through to. He’s the director now. I remember him from years ago. He did my graduation thing. lol so that’s embarrassing to have to call back years later saying I need help again