Bipolar Check-in #89

I just want to thank you all for being so supportive yesterday that means a lot to me. I’m grateful for you all. And I started a budgeting planner so I’m gonna be using that going forward, I mapped out and planned the next 3 months of my budget. Which also allows for quite a bit of savings to be put aside as well. Hoping to build up my savings over the next year. I’d like to have a good $1,000 in savings that just sits there not being touched except for actual emergencies. Thats one of my goals. So yeah it’s gonna take some work but I’m definitely willing to change some stuff and make some cuts.

Hi @MuddyBoots, glad to see you again!

It was a capsule that was similar in size to a Tylenol pill. It was 25mg.

I read beforehand that it's very pure and pharmaceutical grade, so it didn't have things in it that a regular mushroom might have (like other components and chemicals).

It took effect in about 15-20 minutes and the experience was full on at that point, it didn't build up like ketamine did.

I'm glad I was in a safe place but it felt strange being monitored by a bunch of people. But of course it was very helpful given what happened.

But, yeah, you're right, you see the same things but differently.

Knowing is the first and a really big step, Muddy. Good for you for recognizing and naming it

I slept ok last night but like everything hurts. Its just my hands and my knees mainly And I have to take a **** everytime I eat or drink anything. I'm a bit crabby because of it. My pdoc says just get on ozempic and my primary and GI doctor and my mom think I have some major thing going on and I can't even cough without freaking her out. But yeah I'm a bit crabby today.

I’m up early! I leave just before 8am. Usually I sleep until 9am. I was dreaming my cousin and I moved into a house with this woman and her two dogs and three kids. Very complex. I need to stop somewhere and get two tens for the cards. Well gotta go.

@Blue_Bird As for movies, if I have a large purse or take a backpack, I sneak in some food and water if they didn't check bags. Or at least I used to. I haven't been to see a movie in the theater in nearly 10 yr. It is just too expensive!

@Blue_Bird, like others have said, be gentle on yourself. You're learning a whole new skill that's part of the fabric of life, which isn't easy.

Success is the result of a lot of failures. Sometimes the failures are private, sometimes not. But it's ok.

The conventional line is 'practice makes perfect' but I think it should be more along the lines of 'practice makes progress' and every bit of progress, no matter how small, is a big deal.

You're doing great and you'll get better at it even if you make mistakes along the way.

You might be getting carpal tunnel and housemaids knee from overdoing your ab roller? Try icing them, then in a day or two, heat. Also rest. Try isometric crunches. They are like in The Music Man - you "think" them! And how cute was little Opie?!

Just got back home from my volunteer shift. There weren’t many kitties today only like 4. And they were all super scared and shy. One was even shaking he was so scared. He’s the one who has a cone on for a procedure he had done.

@Blue_Bird - Oh, don't feel bad about the budgeting! I struggle with it SO much and still do and am prone to overspending (some times are worse than others, hypomanic/manic times are bad for that but even stable I struggle with overspending). When I was in college (and only had a part-time job in the student library, my rent was paid for by my grandmother), I ran up SO much debt on credit cards. When H and I first married, the first thing he did was limit me to one credit card (to be paid off fully every month) and we consolidated my credit card debt, took out a loan to pay that off (so as to get rid of high interest rates), then took a couple years paying off the loan. But I still struggle with it when buying groceries and such, and the prices keep going up. I stopped doing grocery delivery and opted for curbside pickup (but I have a car). I don't eat out pretty much ever other than an occasional breakfast wrap or sandwhich from Starbucks (once or twice a month is my goal, so months I do better than others). We only eat out as a family on for birthdays and our anniversary, and that is it. We don't go to movies as a general rule (H and my daughter go once or twice a year with a couple of her friends) though we have streaming services from Amazon, Netflix, Disney, Hulu and have Roku TV. Sometimes I stream from free channels or apps (like Tubi).

And even all that, with H making a decent salary we still are not exactly well off. We still have to be careful with our spending especially now we took a large financial hit getting our pipes redone & putting in foundation piers for our sinking garage. I am doing better with spending than I have for a long time, but I do know if I worked harder at it I could feel better, and I hate that I can be very impulsive in buying things. It's a hard impulse to curb.

My high school choir director used to say “Practice makes permanent”.

I'm doing well this morning. I took a walk and had an early grocery pickup. Then, putting away groceries, I started putting away a few avocados and I suddenly had this massive craving to have an avocado for breakfast. Very weird, but I did! I'm not quite sure what came over me, if it was just because it was at the perfect ripeness or that I hadn't had one in quite awhile (they were on sale this week). I didn't even have crazy cravings like that when I was pregnant! LOL!

I read awhile, enjoying my book then drew a bit. There wasn't much time before lunch so I just drew 1 pic, a cat. I'm on a cat kick lately I may try some online lessons from an online drawing class; it's from a site H has done some sculpting from. If you pay for it you get the full version but there is quite a bit they have free too, and I am thinking of trying out some of the free lessons.

I hope everyone has a fantastic Sunday!

@MuddyBoots You definitely don't sound as if you're in a good place or safe for that matter. Could you stay with your mom for awhile? Maybe having someone else around would help a bit? I really got out of control with my ED (and with my care about taking meds as prescribed) when my sister (my roommate when I was in college) started spending nearly all her time with her boyfriends at their places and would only come back a couple times a week to pick up some clothes or a textbook or something she needed. On my own, my self-destructive tendencies were much worse than when I had my sister around full-time.

My doctor got back with more results. Something about a possible viral infection. I have low lymphotecs. Then theres also the elevated CRP and ESR which could be GI or something.

I've been napping all day. I've been dreaming about some big disastor. I feel achy and I'm coughing but my mom is just letting me sleep

I was in this cult thing as a teen and the leader said the same thing!

Edit: should clarify it was actually an adolescent support group but it essentially was run like a cult.

Yeah, not sure about staying overnights just because sleeping there can be so triggering PTSD-wise, but I am spending the day with my mom today (and getting help from kitty cuddles). I talked to my CM a little this morning (I didn’t tell her about the rubbing alcohol/kpin thing, but let her know in no uncertain terms I am not in a good spot) and she’s going to tell my pdoc to get in touch with the ECT dude tomorrow. I see my pdoc and think I have a real meeting with my CM tomorrow anyway.

When things are going good, and there are no real troubles, remember to be grateful for what you have.

The power went out suddenly in my neighborhood last night and it fried my brand new desktop computer. Even the surge protector didn't help. I should have plugged my PC into my backup battery that I had, but I didn't think of it at the time. Anyway, I have been trying to fix my computer since late last night - finally downloading a new copy of Windows onto it, so hopefully that helps. I have beating myself up all night last night, and all morning as to why I didn't have my computer plugged into my backup battery. This whole thing stopped me from going to church this morning, do my Legion of Mary work, or go to my members meeting at my AA club. I was so upset.

All that I have been whining about for the past few months didn't matter at all in the past 24 hours. It really puts things into perspective.

Again, when things are going good, remember to be grateful. This has taught me a huge lesson.

@Blue_Bird - so glad you got a gift card to see some movies. I am too scared to see Sinners by myself, lol. @Nammu I hope you have a fun safe trip today, and the baptism goes well. @Blueberrybook - I love the cat! If you decide to do the drawing classes, I think it would be great, especially if you can do some for free. @MuddyBoots - I hope you're feeling better after last night. The two things you said you mixed is a little scary, I am glad you are okay,

@MuddyBoots yes it is. Every ****en night when I get my pills. I am getting a 30 day pill holder that each day pops out so hopefully I can fill it and just pop the day out that I need in the morning and not have that temptation at night.

Abuse

@LadyShadow - Oh, I hate computer problems! Often, I will have my computer plugged into the battery backup and the stupid battery backup will decide to fail when the power goes out. That happened to my daughter just recently when we had some power surges when we had that work done on our house. Thankfully, her computer was okay, and we got her a new battery backup. I swear those things never last as long as they're supposed to. Don't beat yourself up over it. We all do things like that when in hindsight we'd say, oh if only I had taken the time to do X...! I hope your computer is working correctly. Re-installing Windows is not at all fun or easy to get through. @Victoria'smom That's a tricky death situation but on the other hand he was obviously a complicated person and a threat to people such as yourself. I wouldn't mourn overly much in your shoes. It's not your job to mourn for his loss if he didn't get the help he needed to try to stop doing the things he shouldn't do. But that's just me.

Well it went well. The day is absolutely beautiful. 70’s and sunny. There were very few cars on the interstate and no semis. That was so nice. My granddaughter loved her gold and silver cross necklace and everyone liked the olive wood holding cross I got my grandson. The wood is surprisingly light. I feel good when I pick out presents that others like. I always try to get others what they would like not what I like.

After social interaction I came back and stopped at Perkins for a very late breakfast. Then as I came in the gang was getting together for some games. I bet I sleep good tonight.

Blueberry that cat is good.

Blue bird 🐦 that poor kitty.

Lady shadow yeah things happen that make us realize how much we’ve to be grateful for. I think that’s the higher power reminding us.

Cookies 🍪 for everyone.

My youngest sister called. She has some Easter stuff for my daughter from my mom (we didn't go to the family Easter because H & I were still getting over some sinus/upper respiratory thing that was pretty contagious). We're meeting up at Nothing Bundt Cakes tomorrow, pretty much halfway between our homes. I have never been there before (and now I'm guessing I will have to buy something there, would rather not spend the money, but I'll have to have a go at whatever is cheapest). I'll get something for my daughter & H, myself I don't know, I'm really not that into bundt cakes, mini bundt cakes, the cupcake sizes, whatever. Seems like one of those mini cupcake size bundt cakes is nearly the cost of a dozen cupcakes at Walmart from the bakery, and the Walmart near me has an amazingly good bakery (in spite of the fact that it is a Walmart bakery!). Like I have this thought I I'm going to spend calories on a baked good, I want to spend the calories on something I know I'll like which would be an airy cupcake from Walmart and not a dense bundt cake; but maybe the bundt cakes aren't that dense. I'll have to talk to my sister about more what they taste like. My mom used to make dense bundt cakes, and that's pretty much what I associate a bundt cake with. I have never baked one myself or even had the desire to. And anyway, I've been much more into salty snacks lately anyway- pretzels, green olives, nuts, etc.(probably from all my outdoor walking and the sweating I do during it).

Looking forward to seeing my sister though. She is always so positive. But I definitely couldn't lead her life. She is very overcomitted nearly all the time. In fact, our visit tomorrow will be brief as it is my youngest niece's birthday, so she is cooking a special dinner for her. Which then made me apologize and tell my sister, I'd get on Amazon right after I hung up with her, because what do you know it, another niece's birthday is coming around, and I forgot to order the gift...AGAIN! I have 5 nieces and nephews and usually get them all a gift though I'm stopping it with the oldest who will be turning 19. And my sisters and I buy for one another as well. Seems like I'm always buying birthday presents!

@Nammu It sounds like you picked out wonderful, thoughtful gifts for your grandchildren. How old are they, I don't know if I ever asked or it I did, I forgot (no big shock there!)? A light drive on the interstate sounds fantastic. I hate driving on the interstate (I'm assuming that's what we tend to call the freeway in Texas?) and try to avoid it at all costs. Glad you had good weather for the drive too.

Yeah the interstate are. The big oversized speeding zones! I hate them too. But it’s the best way to get to my daughter’s town. Otherwise you have to take winding back roads. With a lot of traffic signs.

UnaLuna! I totally spaced about May the fourth. The minister talked with me before the service and I had the perfect opportunity. Challenge failed!

It's going to be quite a week this week!

I have parent teacher interviews tomorrow and so far 29 parents have booked in to see me. I think that's the highest number I've ever had. But it's likely because I only teach juniors. A lot of Year 7 parents have booked in to see me but mind you so have Year 8 parents! Not too many Year 9 parents only a handful here or there.

I'm not looking forward to finishing at 7:30pm tomorrow night. Way past my bedtime lol.

So now that I've fished psilocybin, my family is asking me directly when I expect to get better. They want to know when the depression will go away and when I'll be cured.

I heard whispers of this question before, and now they're asking directly.

So now I'm in a dilemma. Do I tell them the truth, that my depression is so bad and that while I did attain a number of important goals, I doubt I'll be cured? Or do I go the standard route, and go on performing, pretending things are good, just as before?

If I go with the truth, as I kind of did the other day, the response I get is "life is beautiful, live it. Forget the past, get over it"

If I go with performance, I'll be betraying myself but the family will be happy that I'm cured.

I think you might know which route I'll go.

A very sad and crappy situation.

I was napping all day and
And
GI stuff TW


I can't think of anything I've done badly today. But I'm getting those muscle aches that feel like shards of glass and I'm getting the chills and alternating sweats again.

I've been pissing out dark brown but not consistently. I had been going like neon yellow from my vitamins and now all of a sudden its dark.

Idk. Doctor says its legit stuff. I know I haven't been 100% careful with my needles these last couple years.