Bipolar Check-in #89

I have had a bad asthma attack the last two days. Worse at night. Terrible cough, crackling and wheezing. Feeling like I can't get a full breath. I saw a doctor that works with my regular one and she put me on Dulera- an inhaler that has a steroid in it. I'm afraid it will ruin my singing voice if I don't gargle with water after use. You can also get thrush if you don't rinse well enough after. She wants me to use it two puffs twice a day. She held off on prednisone because I had a panic attack after I took it this past February. I feel best when I’ve taken my rescue inhaler, Albuterol. But that’s every 6-8 hours. Sometimes I need it more.

I typically get I in May too VM. This month marks 5 years sicne IP for me and thats the longest ive ever gone since age 18.

Good morning all. I slept pretty good. 8 hours. I feel a little overwhelmed lately so I cancelled my movie tickets for this weekend for now. I have credit in my fandango account for if I want to use it so I might hold onto it and use it to go see the new final destination movie on the 16th.

I’m really just relaxing as much as possible this weekend. I pushed myself too hard the last week and add in the lack of sleep and it wasn’t good. I just feel like I need some time to recuperate if that makes sense. Instead of jumping into a bunch of activities and outings. Tomorrow I do need to go grocery shopping but that’s it. This weekends just gonna be a nice chill relaxing weekend playing games, reading, hanging out with my cats etc. let myself take naps if I need to. Just chill.

I ended up cancelling my volunteer shift for last night. I just couldn’t get myself to go I was still tired from missing a night of sleep and overwhelmed because I had a really busy day yesterday and the thought of going out again and being out late just made me want to cry. I also started dissociating last night from being overwhelmed.

So I cut out a bunch of stuff I had planned over these 4 days and am just relaxing at home.

I have a bad habit of saying yes to things even when I’m already overwhelmed with other stuff then just make it worse

Another day I suppose. I'm still super stressed out about finances.I might write more later... i just dont have the energy. I'm at work and I have an extra 1.5 hours to work because I left early yesterday.

I understand that. I need my downtime too. Be true to your needs.

Saw Pdoc. She prescribed another month of Vraylar 3 mg even though my liver enzymes were over 100. She said it should even out once my body gets used to the new dose. I wrote a message to my liver doctor in the portal to this effect emphasizing that the 3 mg has gotten rid of psychosis completely. She’s out of the office through today so she won’t see my message until Monday at the earliest.

I slept from about 10 until 7. I woke up around 3 to eat some ice cream. I had therapy and it went fine. I left coming out in feeling better then I did going in which is always good. Physically I feel decent. Mood wise I'm a bit crabby but its not a big deal. I haven't gotten any results back except that my chest xray was ok.

I think it was just prestiq withdrawel stuff.

I had to go in for a urine test after my therapy appointment and I stopped at Dunkins and I really had to use the bathroom already and I had used my 500 points for a free drink but they were having trouble finding it. I was about to say "its ok. It was free. Don't worry." So I could get to the lab quickly. But they found it a few seconds later.

I did the test and I'm at home now. I need to do stuff but I don't even know what.

Nothing to report really other than I am sinking. I am giving too much and not getting anything back. Everything feels so up in the air. I know I have so much to be grateful for, but I am not feeling very grateful right now. I don't know where this mood is coming from, maybe because I didn't sleep well. The past few nights I have had the CPAP on my face, but cannot go to sleep so I just lay there for hours. I know that's not helping. Pdoc appointment came and went, I could really use therapy. I am so mad I can't afford one anymore.

I slept pretty good. Dreamed of a dystopian future. But people went tight and working together so it wasn’t as sad as it could have been.

Have therapy in less than 2 hours. Need to work on motivation.

I drank a large cold brew vanilla cold foam coffee today. Full caffeine. And I feel pretty good. I wonder if the lack of caffeine was my issue. I had been cutting way back since cutting back on the prestiq.

I wonder if both prestiq and caffeine withdrawels just caused my body to crap out these last couple of days.

My doctor did fill my valium but my Visteril has been going pretty well for my anxiety.

I slept pretty well last night, around 8 hr. though I had a dream where I had to teach a 2nd grade class and I had no idea what I was doing and all the kids were misbehaving. It was almost a relief when Pecan woke me up!

I went walking this morning, showered, made H's lunch, read & finished my book. I drew a picture of closed eyes that turned out pretty well. This afternoon, I'm headed to the library. I have holds that expire tomorrow, so I need to pick them up (plus I've finished all my library books).

I hope everyone has a great Friday!

Not sure if MSF still does the BetterHelp discount, but I was able to get a few decent phone sessions through that when I was splitting too hard to talk to my team (I liked the phone sessions because I could walk around wherever AND do therapy. I could do therapy at the park or in a forest or behind the library instead of some small dingy office with furniture that sets off my obsessive thoughts). Some people are claiming ChatGPT does better therapy than most therapists (which I believe, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to be good therapy but it might be worth a shot). You can see if there are warmlines available you too—like crisis lines but they’re supposed to be more relaxed and focused on good conversation. If it does get bad there are the crisis lines too. They’re very hit or miss I find, but now when they’re “miss” I just turn it into having fun screwing with them—not like they’d be helping anyone else anyway.

When was the last time you went to a meeting? Would that help?

Thanks Nammu

I ended up taking a nap so including last night that brought my sleep total to 10 1/2 hours according to my Fitbit. I’m still kinda tired but trying to stay up the rest of the day.

I’m doing some word search puzzles to relax as I’m irritable and also having trouble focusing so am having a hard time watching any shows.

Gonna try to finish a book I’m reading today

Went for a walk today (yes, I ate this morning). I found some cool places I didn’t know about, meet a couple nice dogs, ran into my neighbor on her way to the gym, and yeah, good time. Got laundry done, vacuumed my mattress protector and drawers so now I feel kind if okay not keeping all my underwear, socks, and bras in a sealed garbage bag out in the middle of the floor (I do still have such little trust that I got a container for it all to put in before putting in the drawers though even though they looked fine).

Later my mom’s going to pick me up and we’re bringing one of the cats to the vet.I got an REI member rebate so maybe I can convince her to go for a trip to get a new rain jacket (new sleeping pad too?) after. I had to toss my old one because it was literally disintegrating. I didn’t like taking it off being covered in little white flakes (jacket dust or bed bug eggs??!!) right before the exterminators came.

I feel somewhat regulated today. I texted a friend “I haven’t drowned in intense emotion in over an hour, is my BPD cured?”

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots Not sure if MSF still does the BetterHelp discount, but I was able to get a few decent phone sessions through that when I was splitting too hard to talk to my team (I liked the phone sessions because I could walk around wherever AND do therapy. I could do therapy at the park or in a forest or behind the library instead of some small dingy office with furniture that sets off my obsessive thoughts). Some people are claiming ChatGPT does better therapy than most therapists (which I believe, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to be good therapy but it might be worth a shot). You can see if there are warmlines available you too—like crisis lines but they’re supposed to be more relaxed and focused on good conversation. If it does get bad there are the crisis lines too. They’re very hit or miss I find, but now when they’re “miss” I just turn it into having fun screwing with them—not like they’d be helping anyone else anyway. When was the last time you went to a meeting? Would that help?

I will inquire about a BetterHelp discount, and call my insurance company again, there has to be something they can do. Thanks for the suggestion I appreciate it a lot. I have my faith I lean to a lot in times like this and it really gets me through - there are a couple of prayer lines that I called that helped as well.

I am feeling better, just so disappointed about therapy and being in this apartment by myself. I would go to a meeting, but I have to stay here and try to make money online because of my rent going up and all these extra bills I have to pay. It really sucks. I feel so alone sometimes in a world with so many people. I know I love living on my own, but sometimes it's really hard. I am grateful that I have such a busy weekend ahead though, I will be out of the house for most of it.

What about trying an online meeting if you have the time? It wouldn’t be your normal crew, but you’d still get some support there.

Wow I fell asleep again. That’s the 2nd nap today lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots What about trying an online meeting if you have the time? It wouldn’t be your normal crew, but you’d still get some support there.

I can't stand online meetings lol. I explained the other day to @Nammu how they are. They try to squeeze everyone in, so they all get a chance to speak, which is great, because I understand that everyone needs to be heard, but we're all sitting there spewing our guts trying to beat the clock, with zero feedback afterwards. I really hate it, lol.

I appreciate the suggestions so much @MuddyBoots - I went to BetterHelp and they offered me sessions at $50 a week, well I can't even afford my $45 copay now, so it wasn't much help. I fall in this category where "I make too much" but then I can't even afford my most basic needs. I have to suck it up and keep pushing forward, which I have been doing for the most part today. I made a total of $10 for 8 hours of work today. It just isn't getting any better.

My doctor was all like your this level and that level is high. And it could mean a variety of things...ok.. I googled the levels myself and its GI stuff. It could mean Chrohns or UC. The stuff my scan is going to look at.

I just feel here. My stomach is strange right now.

My mom has kinda been *****ing at me a lot lately. We were at the doctors yesterday and she said "why are your hands so dirty?" And grabbed them to look at them. The closet light blew out 2 days ago and I've been using my flashlight to get around there because she will complain about the mess or bug me about some stuff I have in my suitcases that are none of her bussiness. If I ask her where the lightbulbs are she will hang over me and watch. I get a bowl of chili and she gets up to make sure I'm using the correct spoon. I made green beans the other day and she said "you use the whole bag?"

Not sure if shes the codependent one or if I am.

I said earlier today I was cured of BPD. Self awareness of current state proves the exact opposite.

I think I’m calling it an early night.

I switched my phone plan to a free plan. I'm close to tears and easily frustrated for the past week or so. I'm proud I made it through the winter without any serious issues or attempts or injuries. My head is loud so I'm starting hadol again but it still hasn't shown up. I want the medicine because I haven't slept a full 8 hours in months. I'm supposed to start school mid June.

@LadyShadow Have you spoken to your therapist about a reduced rate? I've been on one for years and it made therapy possible when there was no way I could have paid for it without. I pay almost everything now but still just a little off I think (I'm no longer even certain what the discount is). For a while i was able to get quite a bit off.

I have a volunteer shift on Sunday. Tomorrow I am helping my neighbor get her groceries. Other than that might be doing an art session over video chat with a couple long distance online friends again. I’m so ready for bed. I’m exhausted despite sleeping well last night and taking two naps today. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

Anyway, didn’t do much today. I started working through my budgeting journal. Hoping it helps keep me on track with my savings/financial goals for the next 12 months. I might play a game before bed. How did it get so late it’s already almost 10 the day flew by. I guess two naps during a day will do that lol.

I might stay up a couple more hours before I go to sleep. I don’t really need to be up early tomorrow. I’m on a 19 day streak of meditating with my meditation app so that’s good.

I’m gonna probably try doing a drawing from my 5 minute workbook, the same one Blueberrybook and Nammu have. Tomorrow during my video chat/art session with my friends.

I feel bad. I’ve lost a voucher given to me for my birthday by my partner’s mother. Oops. I wanted to spend it today when we went to the mall but I obviously couldn’t. It’s a shame it’s a Mecca voucher for makeup and I need to buy new eyeliner soon. Oh well the Mecca brand eyeliner isn’t too expensive but that’s not the point!