Bipolar Check-in #89

I really hate myself for it

Oh @Blue_Bird don't be so hard on yourself. It's a skill and you are learning. I'm sure there are books out there for how to manage money or some of us can probably share what we do. I think a case manager is a great idea (better than my two ideas . I had a hard time learning to live on social security which was a lot less than I'd been making previously. I was fortunate to have my mom help me and now it's a lot easier.


When I was working we would occasionally get widows who where there to learn how to budget and generally adjust to living without husbands who had managed all the money for 50-60 years of marriage. They learned and went home but there was a time that we used a worksheet I made from some of my own checks and old bills (obviously with identifying information removed) a lot. I'd actually forgotten that until just now; it was 25 years ago.

You can do it. You just need some help and recognizing that is the first step to success.

My mom is all concerned because I'm not eating much today and my cough is bad right now. I guess that blood level means theres some kinda inflammation in my body. Idk.

Blue_bird don’t hate yourself for not knowing how to do something you’ve never done or been taught before! That’s not going to help. Definitely find someone who can help you out, google some budgeting tips, and be patient with yourself. I know it’s frustrating because it’s important and you might feel you should have it down, but you’re in a similar position to someone who moved to a country with a different language with no background in that language trying to figure it out on their own if you think about it. Cut yourself some slack!

Thank you! Yes I think recognizing it is a good step because for awhile I was in deep denial about it and avoiding the issue. But now I’m going to make every effort to get on track. I started using a notebook I have to track my expenses and I’m also gonna be using a budgeting app

It’s a skill I never learned. My mom sure as hell didn’t know how to budget her money. And that’s all I had for an example growing up then at age 19 on my money was managed for me by someone else. I’m almost 31 now. I wish I had a better example growing up but at least I can learn now.

Blue_Bird we don't control our finances well. We use to. I think I got sicker and just gave up. H doesn't want anyone else to control our finances so we're stuck. I'm writing every bill down and what we're doing with the money but that doesn't seem to help yet. I need to cut $400 from our budget. Is there any bills you can cut? Like I cut my phone bill to $0 changing to truconnect government phone. I'm trying to cut things. My rent went up by over $275 this year so I really have to get things under control. I would get help before you have debt.

Yeah there are some things I can cut. I just started using a budgeting app. I’m probably gonna cut violin lessons out got a year till I’m back on track. Cause they’re expensive. $40 for a a 30 min lesson. Which adds up fast when taking 2-3 lessons a month. And cutting out any kind of eating out not takeout delivery for the time being. Same with groceries. While it’s more convenient to have them delivered it’s much less money to go buy them in person.

I don't think I've ever been excited for my medicine to come in. Trying to get stable is a *****. I'm so worried I won't be able to do school. I can't sit down for 40 minutes to do a hobby. Let alone something I find boring or hard. I'm going to try but I'm not confident I'll do well. I just need a C so hopefully I can pull it off.

I’m a very impulsive person even on my good days so like yeah that’s why I’m getting a case manager again and going to get help with learning how to budget and whatnot. My impulsivity has lessened in some ways. I’m no longer experimenting with drugs or trying to commit suicide or cutting myself anymore or other impulsive things I used to do a long time ago. The one that has remained though it’s the over spending.

I’m proud of myself a bit though cause I called my sister the other day and was straight up honest with her about what I’ve been struggling with and it’s not easy to admit things are out of control. Admitting that took a lot. My first instinct is to deny it and pretend everything in my life is going perfectly and that I have total control in my life. But that’s not reality.

When I first moved out of my parents home, it was a struggle I went from being upper middle class with speak ding money to a minimum wage job. Sometimes I had to go without eating. There was this premade toast that was cheap. Often that was my meal. It was a sharp learning experience. I always paid my rent first, utilities second, a full tank of gas, then I usually had money for going out before buying food. My priorities weren’t the best and things were a lot less expensive back in the day. You’ll get the hang of it. I did have the experience of a high school class that taught us, how to write checks and which bills to pay first, how to make simple repairs.

@Blue_Bird - I am so sorry your ex is putting you in that position. My ex-husband was NOTORIOUS for that, I really struggled hard with it; I made multiple threads on it here last year. I realized that his hurting me and everyone else was too much, and the same thing happened - we were in two different states so how could I help anymore? Why was he calling me and then leaving me voicemails AFTER I blocked him? It was THAT bad. I eventually changed my number. I know you don't want to just cut him off, but you have to think how it's affecting you and putting you though, especially since he doesn't seem to want to change things.

As far as the budgeting stuff goes, you are always welcome to PM me and we can talk further. Accounting and Finance is the field I work in. There is a free app called "Mint" that is run by Quickbooks that's excellent. Plus tons of others too, but I like that one because it's simple. I use a simple spreadsheet with columns, (just like your notebook), to make a list of all the monies going in, and all the expenses of the month going out, comparing the two and seeing what's left over. Anything left over I try and save. It's jsut been really hard for me now because my job slowed down and I am just breaking even every month. I really shouldn't complain because I still manage to buy whatever I need anyway. But back to you - if you don't want to hassle yourself with an app or spreadsheet, then invest in a good calculator so you can make lists and track what you're spending. It can be daunting if you've never done it before, I totally understand. But like others said, don't try and be too hard on yourself, this is new for you.

As for me, today turned out really good. Watched a ton of horse races at my parent;s today and helped my dad fix an old sewing machine. It was so cool how it worked! Also tried to stay and watch all the races of the Kentucky Derby, but there was just too much and I had to get home to do laundry and other things.

I hope everyone is having a great Saturday!

Walmart delivery you can put a lower tip down to 0. Still get it delivered but it just comes later. I think they get tipped by Walmart because they are in batches. I put a flat $10 2x a month. Don't cut everything you need to have entertainment for the month. For me it's $13 a month for coloring and for my husband it's kindle unlimited $13 a month.

Thank you everyone I appreciate you all a lot, I’ll come back later tonight or tomorrow and reply more in depth but I’m grateful for this community.

I’m gonna relax a bit and do a word search puzzle with some decaf coffee and unwind a bit because I’ve had a long day and was dissociating through a lot of it. I feel better after talking to you all though and getting it out in the open , not just with people in my life, with them too but with you all as well

Happy derby day! Did you picking the winning horse?? I
Chose burnham square. He came in 7th! Here in Louisville we don’t really go to
Derby. We go days before for local stuff. Instead we go to derby parties. The one we go to was cancelled this year so we went grocery shopping. Almost like the derby: lots of people, rain,, over priced foood and now I’m broke! lol

Happy derby day!

I had whooping cough. My mom always likes me to insert here that she had me vaccinated but I was allergic to the vaccine so they tried giving it in divided doses and I didn't get immunity.

For me the first stage wasn't bad; I thought it was allergies. Once the actual cough starts it's hard to not know. You are gasping for air between coughs which makes the "whoop" sound but feels like you just can't get enough oxygen. It's hard to describe but very distinctive.


I hope you don't have it. It's awful.

Well, just called the team’s emergency number and they’re going to send a message to my pdoc to talk to the guy that does ECT on Monday.

I forgot to watch the derby! I just like the part where the horses walk with their horse buddy keeping them company to the gate. Its just so sweet and considerate.

Pills are not good for me. I tried to do without. Now I'm up to 4. I was so proud I stayed out of the hospital for a while. Now I have that urge again. We'll see, if it gets much stronger I'm ****ed but I don't care enough to tell. I'm going to try to sleep now.

Is it the urge to OD? Do you have any way to do a med management program with a case worker, therapist, psych nurse, etc?

I say like going to phoenix 1/365 days of the year is easier than going down the street

I probably shouldnt even be on this forum right now lol goodnight.

Theres this obnoxious massive girl I know who fakes a bunch of medical issues but one of the things she also faked is being trans for a couple weeks but anyways she lives in tenenssee and I wonder how she feels when she hears the song Pink Pony Club. lol.

She ignores how Elliot Page and Gottmiik exist because shes jelly.

Maybe I should feel bad that no one took her serioisly? Idk I just can't when she put it all over facebook then backed down 2 weeks later.

Good morning friends, have a volunteer shift with the cat rescue later today. Feeling pretty good today. Slept pretty well. Using some of the fandango gift card my sister got me to go see a movie tonight. It’s called Sinners. I have enough on there to see 4 movies. So I’m seeing Sinners tonight. Until Dawn, and thunderbolts this coming week. I was gonna see them earlier this week but I was too overwhelmed and anxious to go. And then the new final Destination movie on May 16th.

I’m not getting snacks or drinks though at the theater cause that costs money and is too expensive. So I’ll just eat/drink before I go there. Glad my sister got me this gift card so I can see some movies. It’s sometimes good for me to get out of the house and out of my head a bit.

So my volunteer shift today is from 12pm to 2pm. The movie is at 7:30pm.

Having my morning decaf coffee at the moment and am gonna do some word searches to relax.