Bipolar Check-in #89

Just spoke with the triage nurse. This"asthma" has turned into Coughing up foul crud and a shortness of breath and my voice is is in the basso profundo range! The nurse was concerned that I was having a hard time breathing at rest but I took my albuterol and Dulera and my breathing's improved. So, she said there are no more spots at the urgent care Clinic at my doctor's office this morning so I'm to go to urgent care on campus at 8 a.m. She made me a 10:30 appointment but said to just walk in at 8 and they'll probably see me then. It's not even seven. The inhalers have helped. I'm going to waste time at Dunkin then arrive at urgent care at 8 a.m. sharp!

Hope you're okay @Moose72

Slept a grand total of 4 hours. Woke up at like 3:30am to a long somewhat suicidal text from my ex who’s bipolar and refuses to take meds or get help. It also doesn’t help that he uses drugs too. He was in a very long manic/psychotic episode and now it seems like he’s depressed. It’s hard to help someone who refuses to get help or help themselves or acknowledge their problems.

I don't want to do this today.

I slept from 9 until 5. I need to eat something because its been awhile. Like 18 hours. I skipped dinner and I just ate a sandwhich at 11 for lunch.

My moods are kinda weird again. My mom will probably spend all day fretting about 3 things that arent a big deal and repeadtly ask me random **** while I'm trying to listen to music.

Lol. I think I just needed to eat. I ate 4 Eggo wildberry pancakes and now I feel perfectly fine.

It was for sure food related bad moods. I've been totally off my prestiq for a week now and I think all this flu like stuff is just from that.

I don't really sleep without the hadol. My nephew kinda triggered me last night and H noticed. We weren't able to talk about it because I had taken my night meds and fallen asleep. I'm hoping my medication comes today. I'm overstimulated and there's no noise yet, only my head. hope today gets better.

At urgent care waiting for the doctor.,

I guess we’re waiting on the Covid and flu tests to “cook”.

Not Covid or flu. Just a nasty virus. Advice is to get Mucinex, Flonase and cough drops. And I assume to keep taking my asthma meds.

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I was freaking out in the car because I was struggling with opening a paper straw. Lol. Everything has been really hard to open lately. My brother just stares at me when I use my teeth to open a bottle of soda. Cause it ****ing hurts to open things.

They brought back peanut butter only Uncrustables. Yay

I've just been calling myself a weenie for having trouble opening things.

I’m wondering if I have the first stage of whooping cough. runny nose, sneezing, and mild cough, which can progress to more severe symptoms like intense coughing fits and a distinctive "whooping" sound. These coughing fits can be so severe that they lead to vomiting, exhaustion, and even complications like rib fractures or fainting.
Early Stage (1-2 weeks):
Cold-like symptoms: Runny or stuffy nose, sneezing, mild cough, low-grade fever.

The coughing isn’t pleasant.

Feeling better today than I did yesterday. Staying at home and staring at the computer all day is no good for my mental health. But I need to work and make money and save, and that's the only way I know how right now, there is just too much down/idle time for me to think and fester and get dramatic. I really don't know what I am going to do about money.

@BeyondtheRainbow - I don't think a reduced rate would help because I still have to pay a $45 copay which I can't afford, so even if therapy is $60 per visit, I still owe $45, it's so stupid. BetterHelp didn't give me any other options either. Even at poverty level it's still $50 a visit. There is just no hope.

I hope you have a better day @MuddyBoots and I hope you feel better @Moose72

@Blue_Bird - I eventually had to block my ex on all platforms, phone numbers included. Our exes sound very similar. My ex-husband was a really bad drug addict who said, "well I only go out and party once a month so it's no big deal" and refused to take his meds too because they made him feel bad. Then he would just disappear in the street and worry everyone for days. I don't know if it's an option for you, or if you can, but blocking is eventually what did the trick. It was so painful going back and forth with him for so long.

Having said all that, I really should take my own advice because I seem to be really bad at relationships and codependency. I am feeling better today because I am out and about and at my parent's house today. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day too. I just wish I had some kind of purpose and some kind of way to save money. I know I shouldn't be going over it so much, but that last manic episode took so much from me, including all my savings, and I just feel horrible not being able to put it back. I just don't know what to do.

Glad you're feeling better today @LadyShadow! @Moose72 I hope you start feeling better soon!

I'm having a good morning. I actually got to wake up on my own without Pecan waking me. I went walking, read, spent a long time with H, showered. I'm pretty wiped out now though And I think it may have brought my period on; I knew I was going to be starting soon as I was freezing cold yesterday for no good reason (pretty warm inside my house), crampy too. I always get cold around the time my period starts. I may skip drawing today unless I decide to draw some after lunch. Otherwise, I'll read; my reading concentration has been really good lately, and that's been nice.

I hope everyone has a great Saturday!

I talked to my mom this morning. It went well. I showed her the video of the stink bugs mating I took while getting my meds, and she showed me one of our older cats sleeping in the vet carrier the new kitten went for a visit in yesterday (he really likes it, probably got jealous she was in it and that it smells like her now).

My old therapist was giving me random handouts from the older DBT book (not even sure if it was from the real one from Marsha Linehan), so I found a place to download the second edition Linehan DBT worksheets and handouts and did that. I'm making a list of things I'd like, mostly for the apartment, too. I have two really big ceiling to floor windows, and when I moved in there were horizontal blinds, but they do not block out the sun at all in the morning, especially once the sun gets high enough to come over the buildings across the street. I got permission to get blackout curtains which will be great for when that migraine light-sensitivity hits. I'm just not allowed to install the rod myself and have to put in a maintenance request for it because I guess most tenants can't be trusted that high up (ceilings are like 9 feet tall). I'm thinking a desk and comfortable chair too (I got permission for that too). Right now I have a little table barely big enough for my laptop (hard to do math at) and a metal folding chair, so an upgrade would be nice.

Going to do some photo-editing now. Going to make collages of all the pets I've had over the years and some pics I've taken on hikes/camping trips to make the walls look happier too. I'm going to make this place my nest as best as I can, now that I think my neighbor's mice problem is fixed (or at least her yelling at them and banging at night problem is) and my bed bugs are hopefully gone for good. Haven't been bitten. When I'm stressed I think I see stuff, but when I clean the floors or really go looking for them I see no definitive signs so fingers crossed. I know stress, sleep deprivation and malnutrition (esp. with my diagnoses and substance use history, hell, I still take a small dose of Adderall every day) all can cause hallucinations so I'm trying to keep that in mind.

Knock on wood, my sleep has been pretty good lately. I’m soo close to the end of my book, but I couldn’t stay awake to read it! I thought I knew who dun it, but now I’m not sure.

Gotta get up at 6am instead of 9 sooo it’s gonna be hard. I took my shower today.

Realized that my grandkids are getting baptized on May the 4Th! How cool. 😎 now I’ll remember the date.

Talked to my T yesterday about how stable I am. I credit latuda and ambian. Good sleep routine. I have horrible nights sometimes but I work hard to adjust things to get back to routine as swiftly as possible.

Did drawings yesterday. Redid the wolf,…eh the first one was better. Boy that wolf is hard.

Hmm, I'm not sure if I posted this already so I'm sorry if this is the second time.

I received psilocybin the other day. Things didn't quite go as expected. There were some bad and good parts.

But the good parts were really good. It was truly a unique, once in a lifetime experience. It wasn't at all like ketamine, it was very different. I wouldn't call it profound like many people say it is, but it was really nice.

@Nammu - I agree, that wolf is SO hard!

@Scooter9 - I didn't realize your trial had started. How many times do you get the psychocybin? What were the bad parts?

Nammu, i dare you to tell the minister, "May the fourth be with you!"

Challenge accepted! My daughter tells me her church is very open and accessible.

Yeah, I've been kind of quiet about it because I felt like I was gonna spam the thread with my updates (a lot of stuff happened). So it's been going on for a while.

But I got my dose the other day, and as I said the good parts were really good!

The bad parts were pretty bad. I developed convulsions throughout my body during the session. They involved everything, legs, arms, body, and happened 10-15 sec apart. They thought I was having seizures but I said I was alright and went on with the experience for 5 hours (had convulsions all through that time).

So afterwards, I had a lot of trouble walking and still do. The convulsions continued at home and the next day. So lots happened.

I also now have some physical issues related to the convulsions.

They investigated really thoroughly and determined that things weren't serious and that they would clear up at some point, but no timeline.

My biggest problem at the moment is extreme tiredness and being unable to walk normally. So I'm out of commission for a while.

But it was all worth it in the end. It hasn't done anything for my depression yet but I had some amazing experiences and a couple of experiences that fundamentally changed how I look at and experience life.

It was not at all like ketamine - it was much more involved and less abstract (no colors and shapes, but a lot of real objects)

Edit: I get Psilocybin just one time, and that's enough for me it is a really big dose though

How did they give you the psilocybin? Did you get to eat shrooms or did they turn it into a purer form?

I do think hallucinogens in general can help in the way you described. I’ve had a few trips that the experiences like you said changed how I saw things. Unfortunately the perspective changes didn’t maintain as engrained over the years (one trip (not psilocybin) actually had me thinking for a bit my self-destructive behaviors really hurt other people more than myself, I still kinda see that intellectually but I don’t feel it as much or really live by it).

Coughing is worse.

Yeah he does that too. Disappears randomly and then everyone is looking for him and worried his family etc. I do need to just block him. It’s hard cause I still care about him as a friend but he’s so far gone lately and is doing nothing to help himself. It’s kinda hard when he puts me in these positions where he messages me concerning stuff at random times of the day. Like I can’t do anything from where I am to help. We live in different states now. It just stresses me out. I hate to just cut him off like that but it may be the best option.

I’m gonna be honest I’m having a really hard time with managing my own finances. Two months ago was the first time in my entire adult life I’ve been my own payee. And I’ve just been really struggling. I’m gonna be seeing about getting a case manager to help me work on some budgeting stuff and help me stay accountable. Anyway yeah sucks to admit that.

I feel like I was just thrown from not being my own payee to suddenly being my own payee for the first time in my life and not having any resources or financial classes or whatever budgeting tools to help me.