Bipolar Check-in #89

I just wanted to show a picture of myself I took today. I never smile in pictures and I'm not feeling 100%. I think it went through.

I ended up getting home earlier than I thought I would from 8th grade graduation, which I'm very happy about! They made some changes so, instead of graduation taking about 2 hours, it only took about an hour. The person who organized graduation did a really nice job, and the student speaker (chosen by her peers) gave a wonderful speech.

My eye and elbow muscle was twitching again this morning, so I did take a dose of benztropine this morning. The twitching was mostly gone by the afternoon. I took the night dose as well. I plan on taking the two doses/day (it's how my pdoc prescribed it) for two more days to see if the twitching happens while on the med. If the twitching does stay away, I'll stop taking it after a few days to see if it comes back. What I'm wondering is if 12.5 mg of seroquel doesn't cause any side effects but a few days of 25 mg does.

My mood was alright today. I was busy enough there wasn't really time for much SI to sneak in. I got a good night's sleep last night so that probably helped things too. My appetite still isn't really there. I have a lot of alone time coming to me this weekend, so the depression might be worse again over the weekend. I have a lot I can work on though, including finishing 4th quarter grades (school ends next Friday).

Cool pic Mountaindewed! I A few years ago I shared a photo of myself on here, I'll share another one now. In case you ever wondered what I looked like. lol

I've had a pretty good day. One of the games I regularly play has a gacha system involved (it's basically gambling lol. You use a in-game currency to "pull" on banners for new characters or weapons. Imagine a just a big bowl with 100 marbles. 89 are blue 10 are purple, and 1 is gold -- every time I pull out a marble, I have better odds at getting that gold one, because there are less marbles to pull from.... while this is a way to visualize how it works, it's a bit more complicated because there are "guarantees" in place and things... it's complicated, just understand it's exciting to get a gold level character or weapon, they are also limited to a few weeks before changing, so they become unavailable afterwards until they rerun that character or weapon, so FOMO is in place too!) -- I got REALLY lucky and got 4 golds with enough pulls to guarantee 1.5 golds. It made me really excited. So, there's that :P

Also, I did some more psychopharmacology studying. Just refresher stuff I already learned but I enjoy synthesizing information learned into practicality. For example, Why is it you can't take a MAOI with, say, an SSRI? It's readily apparent when you understand what those drugs do, and how the brain works. Basically neurotransmitters (especially monoamine ones like serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine) are key ways nerve cells communicate, they release these chemicals in a gap between nerve cells calls a synapse, and they activate the next nerve by attaching to it on a receptor. As long as its in the synapse, it's gonna be doing that. There are two ways your body gets it out of the synapse, by reuptake (literally it goes back into the original nerve cell), or by monoamine oxidase (MAO), which is an enzyme that breaks it down so it won't work on the receptors.

SSRI = Selective Serotonin Reuptake INHIBITOR. and MAOI = Monamine Oxidase INHIBITOR.

See where I'm going? The two ways your body stops the activation of these nerves is through those two means, if we inhibit BOTH -- wayyyyyy too much of those chemicals will be present and cause lots of issues.

sorry, end of rant -- just find that stuff sooo interesting.




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I also decided I should start journaling again. It's always been helpful but I pick it up and leave it way too much. Any ideas for journal prompts or websites that produce them? Thanks in advance!

Well, I guess that's it. Have a good night.

What a day! I went to the job fair, which was great because I just so happened to have seen the post on NextDoor, which I hadn't logged into forever, (also met a potential gym buddy on there we will start working out on Monday, so excited!)

The job fair was really good. Met a lot of people and left my resume everywhere. I am still hoping for the job I interviewed with on Tuesday, hope he didn't forget about me - going to get a good night's sleep so I can concentrate on brushing up on QuickBooks tomorrow.

@Blue_Bird glad you liked the movie! I went to see Thunderbolts today and it was really good! All ready for my Marvel Coffee Talk on Saturday now. I especially liked how they focused in on mental health, depression and overall loneliness. It was right up there with what I have been feeling lately. I was the ONLY one in the theater though, which was a bit spooky, lol. Sorry you've had that episode today, I hope going back to the medication you were on before helps.

@Blueberrybook - so sorry about the loss of your classmate that's really young. Your painting is so good too.

@raspberrytorte - I hope you're feeling better, I know how meds can stunt creativity, I feel it all the time when I'm writing, or want to start a writing project.

@June08 - congrats on finishing up the school year, so sorry about all the twitching though, I hope it subsides. I also hope you have a good weekend, and aren't too depressed.

Great pictures @Mountaindewed and @Brentus ! For journaling sites, Wordpress added a daily writing prompt feature that I had never seen before. It's been really helpful with my blog.

I haven't shared a picture in a while, so I will share one from tonight. I hope everyone has a great night!

You all are so brave for posting pics of yourself. Woohoo.

Awesome about the game @Brentus also as for journaling I’ve been journaling daily since I was 14 and I’m 30 now. I started during one of my inpatient stays and the habit just stuck and I kept doing it. I very occasionally use prompts. Mostly though I just journal stream of thought. What I’m doing during the day, how I’m feeling , goals , etc. it’s kinda like a running narrative of my life.

Nice pictures everyone!

I dropped into a really low depression again. It was the same as what happened a couple of months ago.

It was a slow decline, but I finally hit what I think is the bottom. I'm always surprised to realize I can end up lower than what I thought was the bottom of it all.

It's ok though. I realized, again, that I wasn't helping matters and my body responded positively right away (I ate something salty along with orange juice).

I have some tests coming up related to my possible silent heart attack. It'll be a couple of weeks to finish the tests. Thankfully, my doctor is really responsive, so he'll let me know what's up as soon as he receives the reports.

Great pictures @Brentus and @LadyShadow

I slept pretty well. Maybe too little. I got just under 6 hours.

Mood wise I'm ok. I only have a few more hours before I get to that 72 hours and I can finally take a shower.

Great pics @LadyShadow, @Brentus @Mountaindewed. I'd go out with all of you if I wasn't married. Lol. I don't know how to post pics, but if I did I'd post a pic of myself. I'm so hot. 🥵 Just kidding!

I've decided my antipsychotics are seriously poisoning my creativity and I'm not taking them anymore. I'm down to 10mg of loxapine and 150mg of seroquel. I'm taking it slow because I hate feeling nauseous. 🤢 I'm not telling anyone. Not my husband or therapist or psychiatrist. It's my secret. The negative entity doesn't want me to tell anyone and is in full agreement that they're POISONING MY creativity. Maybe the negative entity is actually the positive entity this time because its not scaring me and it feels warm on my shoulders and seems to be giving good advice and when I looked in the mirror before and saw something else looking out at me through my eyes it didn't scare me and I'm not paranoid. The only time I get scared is when I wake up in the middle of the night and hear voices whispering and mumbling in the shadows.

I'm going to try writing poetry.

Just checking in I got up too early because Thought It would take me longer to call my clients.It is 9;15 and I should leave in about half an hour.
I had one cup of left over coffee in the pot. Now to have another.
happy trails to all!!
bizi who is losing weight from the zepbound shots. I draw up in from a vial and give the shot, on 3 this sunday, will be my third shoot.
I am down about 5 pounds.
have a good day ! nice pictures and thanks for being brave enough
for posting them.

I called my therapist and let her know what happened with the whole trileptal/lamictal situation and she is gonna let my psychiatrist know about it and that I decided to stay on trileptal and not move forward with the lamictal.

I guess I didn’t realize how big of a difference trileptal made until I started decreasing it. It really threw me through a loop. I was having mood swings yesterday on top of my severe panic attack and dissociation and it was just a nightmare

Well now I know not to mess with it. Staying on the meds I’m on going forward and not messing with any of them. I didn’t realize how important they were, or how good of a job they were doing even the one that I thought wasn’t doing much.

My psychiatrist just called me. He told me I can start the lamictal WHILE still being on the trileptal because the lamictal it starts on a low dose and takes a long time to build up to a therapeutic level. Then he said we can decide down the road whether I want to discontinue the trileptal and if so to do it slower next time.

You’re on both trileptal and Lamictal at the same time if I recall right @Blueberrybook ?

@Blue_Bird

A while ago I was on trileptal and Lamictal.

Thanks! I wasn’t aware you could be on both so that’s why it surprised me when he said I could start the Lamictal now

Thank for liking my pictures guys! I have only grown confident because I started taking better care of myself since I left my husband. Even though the loneliness is still there, I still feel confident enough to put myself out there.

Really liking this NextDoor app. I have met a couple of nice ladies so far, one who is going to try and be my gym buddy, so I hope it works out. The other two might just end up being friends in the area, which I really need. My one friend is so pregnant with her sixth child, she has her hands completely full.

Going to be a quiet day today. It's 90 degrees outside, really hot for May, but I guess that means the summer is coming. Please be careful @raspberrytorte - decreasing meds could increase creativity but could also send you spiraling, like what happened to me. I am glad @Blue_Bird that you feel better about your meds now, and you notice the difference. Do you have any plans to see Thunderbolts? It is sooo good. You have to tell me what you think if you see it.

Hope everyone has a great Friday!

The heart mointor is off. I had to use these alcohol swab things they gave me that were basically like oil swabs in order to get the monitor off. But its done and mailed.

I am able to workout now which felt good.

My mom is in a bit of a mood so I'm giving her space.

I take both lamotrigine and trileptal. What dosage of trileptal do you take? I took 300 mg 2X daily intially with the 200 mg lamotrigine daily and that made me dizzy as H*LL. Pdoc decreased the trileptal to 150 mg/2xday and no problems since then. Lamitical and trileptal also do have an interaction so titrating from one to the other (getting one completely out of the system) could be a difficulty as well.

@raspberrytorte Be careful. It is a dangerous road you are traveling ESPECIALLY if your pdoc is completely in the dark about it. How can she help you when she doesn't know what dosages of which meds you are taking? Plus you know Seroquel DOES help with anxiety and it might just decrease the presence of that negative entity, which I can't imagine being pleasant to deal with at any time. If you are not prepared to take your meds as prescribed, please, please tell your pdoc. Otherwise how can she help you if things get worse?

@Nammu I'm sorry you are down (((HUGS)))

Great pics eveyone esle. I may share a recent selfie later on if I do look too weird in them. I often catch my eyes at weird angles or a bad head tilt, wind blowing hair in my face.

@Scooter9 Sorry about the depression; I really hoped the trial would help you. I did get those sort of universal truths about the universe from God and how things work and reassurances every time I have been psychotic, but you know, those have very amazingly stayed with me!

@LadyShadow Wonderful picture! I'm praying you will get the job you deserve and that is absolutely right for you.

@bizi Always good to hear from you!

@June08 - Glad you've have diminished thoughts and the medication helped with the twitches; that's a muscle relaxer right? I think I have been on it though I find tizandine works better for me. Occasionally I get eyebrow twitches but I always had tongue movements (pretty much constant) and small lip twiches every few minutes. It's not highly noticeable, and it goes away every time I stop Seroquel. The truth is though, Seroquel has been such a benefit to me I don't even care about the EPS.

Oh okay I’m on a much larger dose of trileptal, I’m on 1500 mg a day , so we’ll see how it goes. My doctor said I can start the Lamictal tomorrow and then once we reach a therapeutic dose of Lamictal start decreasing the trileptal. It’s gonna take a few months till I’m at a therapeutic dose of Lamictal cause the doses only get increased by 25mg every two weeks

@LadyShadow I’m probably gonna hold off on thunderbolts until I feel better/less anxious about these med changes. So I’ll probably wait till it comes out digitally. Cause I had a really bad panic attack when I came out of the theater last night to come home , I’m glad you got to see it and enjoy it! That’s awesome!

I did pilates this morning, but I spent half the day calling medical insurances and offices; OMG, am I beat. In addition, I had an appt with my PCP this AM. She is ordering some bloodwork and talked to me about the abnormal results on my mammogram from Monday. Apparently my left breast is asymmetrical to the right where it hasn't been in the past which could just mean something went wrong with the mammogram process (though I have never had that happen, even last year when I had a learner doing the mammogram, that was fun, lots of retakes), it could be something benign like a fluid filled cyst, they could decied to do a biopsy, they could decide to do another mammogram at a shorter period than normal like 6 months or so it's just a wait and see for the full diagnositic mammogram and ultrasound which I have scheduled for June 9. I did call my gynecologist office as they were sent a copy to and asked if they could refer me to the place I had my first mammogram, it's a much nicer place, I'd rather go there, especially if I can get in sooner and then cancel the June appt. 9. I haven't heard back from them yet. So I'm a bit worried healthwise. The PCP is also supposed to churn me a boatload of referrals - GI doc (post ulcer followup, no issues to speak of), rheumatologist, neuorologist, dermatologist (says I have to see her every 6 months due to fair skin & blue eyes), and podiatrist (to treat bad foot fungus I have been ignoring for years until I finally got an ingrown toenail that hurt like h*ll; though I somehow managed to get it cut down so my toe wasn't throbbing.

Then, because my daughter is 17, I've got to get her out of the pediatrician's office and change the PCP on her insurance. I had to call for a PCP seeing new patients (mine no longer does), then call the insurance to change the PCP on my daughter's card. I hate dealing with insurance companies!

With all this going on, my daughter had an AP Psych. exam I had to drop her off at the high school for. I dropped her off, got a text from her an hour later saying the exam was delayed then another 45 min. later saying that due to technical glitches they have to reschedule the whole exam until next Friday, so I had to pick her up early. It was like 1:30 at this point, I hadn't had lunch, I drove to the high school, we stopped by Starbucks and got mocha frappucinos and I got a turkey bacon & egg white sandwich and bought her a cake pop for being a good sport. Took a quick detour to the library where I had 2 holds waiting and found a few books at the friends of the library sale. Came home and finally ate around 2 PM. I was starving by then.

I haven't had time to use the SAD lamp, do art, anything, nothing like being on the phone half the day with insurance beauracy and needing referrals to drain your energy. The healthcare system sucks SO much!

Blueberrybook - what a day!

Yeah, what an ANNOYING day! Except Starbucks and the library