Bipolar Check-in #89

Since we're all sharing pics, here are some of mine from today (got hot & changed after seeing the PCP) though the pics are out of sequence.

Wow @Blueberrybook - that's a lot, you've had a long day! @Blue_Bird it's okay if you can't see Thunderbolts yet. I totally understand wanting to let the meds adjust. You did have quite the scare the other night.

I am feeling overwhelming anxiety about this job. I texted the guy I interviewed with that I went through my QuickBooks material, and he didn't answer. I am thinking the worst that he might have found somebody better than me. I need to stop putting all my eggs in one basket, but I really need this job. My stomach is in knots, and my chest is tight. I won't find out anything till tomorrow, and I am so on edge.

@LadyShadow I'm collapsing with a book next. Or maybe my iPad.

I see my daughter today. We’re going to a cafe. Woohoo. Always nice vis her. I usually take h grocery shopping because she has no money. I can’t take her for a very big shop because I’m saving for an elopement.

So awesome

Well my yearly Dr appointment went better than expected. I only have one bottle of soda a day but I stopped it and now that warmer weather is here have salad or yogurt for dinner and my blood numbers have all improved. But no weight loss of course. I really miss being able to walk. I live in a great area for walking. There’s a pond just half a mile away. Before my back got bad I walked everywhere but of course that’s what caused the nerve damage. My spine was crooked and the years of walking in un cushioned moccasins on hard surfaces jolted into the nerve. Moccasins were the best thing next to being barefooted. It’s already been five years, so time for a colonoscopy! Woopy! ( sarcasm)

My pdoc appointment is 3 weeks away. If I haven’t gotten over this low by then I’ll bring up a change of meds. I really don’t like changing meds more than I have to though. I’m physically tired although I just passed the drs physical in great shape except for my weight. Things just don’t interest me. But my sleep is ok even if I can no longer remember my dreams.

I was woken up by my starbucks buddy at 6 a.m. wanting to go to sb. So we went! Had a fun conversation!

My new phone went crazy the last couple days! It dropped calls, people couldn’t hear me, it wouldn’t ring when dialing, people couldn’t hear me but I could hear them! I took it to my phone carrier and they messed with it for quite a while but ultimately didn’t fix a darned thing! So I got frustrated and drove to the Apple Store at the mall. I spent 2 hours there and basically used my apple care to get a brand new phone that had all my stuff on it! And the calls work now! And I blamed Caleb! D’oh! His phone gets bad reception while he’s at work but not at night when we talk before bed.

Great pics Blueberry!

Glad your appointment went well Nammu, hope your mood improves soon


@Crazy Hitch glad you got to see your daughter! That sounds like a nice time!

@LadyShadow I’ll keep you in my prayers for you getting the job!

@Moose72 glad you were able to get a replacement phone and had a good time at Starbucks!

@Mountaindewed it sounds like you’re doing a lot better with going back onto the full dose of prestique. Good job advocating for yourself to get back onto the full dose

I slept really good last night. I didn’t wake up till 10am which is extremely late for me. Normally I’m always up around 4am to 5am.

I had to take a klonopin to calm down from my panic attack last night. Which is okay because it had been a week and a half since I had taken one.

Today was busy. I went to bingo and that was like a little over an hour long. I also painted with my friends over video chat for 2 hours today. This is a painting I did of the Pokemon fennekin. I took my friends trash out for her. And then she called and asked if I had any dry spaghetti which I did so I went down and gave that to her. She’s gonna give me some a plate of the spaghetti she makes later tonight.

I’m excited for the weekend because I don’t have anything planned

Oh blue bird, finnekin is adorable.

I love your picture @Blue_Bird!

Oh! I got the section 8 paperwork done with the help of my psych case manager! My mom and I will drive there and drop it off before it’s due. Then on the way home we stop off at a place that serves coney dogs, chips and homemade root beer in glass mugs! A special treat for delivery day.

I'm trying melatonin and magnesium L.. something for my sleep.

Both of them are working really well in terms of improving the quality of my sleep. But I'm still only sleeping 5-6 hours. I tried to sleep during the day today but it didn't work out.

My depression is not good, but I guess I'm managing as best as I can. I stopped making the situation worse for myself and I'm having 2-3 light meals - way better than before.
@Blueberrybook , although psilocybin might not have helped my depression, I saw and felt some things that have turned out to be helpful. It wasn't any big insight or revelation, but it's helpful. It's ok though, I took a risk and I tried.

I'm not hurting anyone. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not suicidal or anything. Some days, like today, I took 200mg of seroquel in the morning and took 200mg before I went to bed. I couldn't handle the whole anxiety thing today. I felt really weird, so I cleaned and listened to music to distract myself from the weird feeling because something doesn't feel right, but I don't know what. It's enough to make my head want to explode! What is going on? I'm trying to take the advice an IP doctor gave me once, which was to not think so much, but I can't stop.

I keep on thinking about alternate dimensions and I mean, it's really interesting, almost exciting, when you think about I'm kind of looking forward to finding out what happens in a way. Obviously not anytime soon, but damn. We all get our turn eventually anyway, like everyone has before us.

I've just been... contemplating all day. Things are looking brighter. Like, pictures are smiling and nodding at me. I can feel positive energy and actually feel it channeling into my heart. I feel like I'm wrapped in a warm blanket. I am overjoyed. This never happens. Usually I'm just tortured by the negative entity. Not this time though. And it's just... nice. I like it. But I still have that vague weird feeling, like the negative entity is just waiting around the corner. Waiting to whisper to me, "I'm here." I feel sick thinking about it.

And seroquel is hard to get off of man! All I know is it helps my anxiety and if I don't take at least 200mg I'm drowned with anxiety and fvcking nauseous to the point of head over toilet or taking some dramamine. Disgusting med! I'm mad at my old psychiatrist. 😡 He got me dependent on seroquel and diazepam! Jerk.

(Ignore that last sentence. I think it was inspired my the negative entity.)

@Blueberrybook

Talking to her wouldn't matter. She wouldn't listen to me anyway. And no, I can't get a different psychiatrist. She's the only one who will prescribe me my diazepam.

@Nammu and @unaluna and anyone else who watches Call the Midwife, did you hear about what is upcoming? They are going to do a regular series in 2015 and 2016. There is also going to be a prequel about the Nonatus house experience during the war. AND there's going to be a CtM movie in 2026.

I'm anxious to hear more. If it weren't for Reddit I'd have no idea.

Yeah I've heard its one of the hardest psych meds to get off of. I tried a couple years ago and I had tbe same issue.

I've been on Lamictal since 2014 and its been great and I haven't had any side effects.

I woke up at 2:15 and I thought I slept crappy but I fell asleep at 5:45. Which is 8.5 hours. Then I also took a 2 hour nap from 12-3 yesterday.

I should fix my schedule somehow. I didn't want to take a nap but I could not stay awake.

I tried calling then texting Caleb just now and no answer. Maybe he’s still getting ready to come here. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that he’s not!

Just had a thought! He probably went to breakfast! I hope he’s hungry later!

Good to know you have had a great experience with Lamictal. My psychiatrist told me it’s great and like no side effects too. I just took my first dose 10 minutes ago

Good morning , I slept pretty good. 7 1/2 hours. Was hoping to sleep in but Mustachio woke me up at 5am. It’s been about an hour since I took the Lamictal. Glad I got it over with. That’s the hardest part about starting new meds for me. Taking the first dose. I about had a panic attack after I swallowed it. My anxiety goes haywire when I start new meds I convince myself they’re gonna kill me in immediately after taking the first dose. Once I take the first dose and realize I haven’t dropped dead since taking it it’s much easier for me going forward. So now to just take it daily and very slowly increase the dose as per my psychiatrist guidelines for a few months till we reach a therapeutic dose then start coming off the trileptal after that.

That lithium toxicity that put me in the ICU for 8 days with kidney failure and seizures really did a number on me in terms of medical trauma /fear about meds. I still haven’t gotten over my anxiety about meds and that happened when I was 19 and I’m 30 now almost 31.

Anyway I had a bunch of plans today but I think I’m just gonna take it easy. I’m just trying keep my stress levels low and not to spiral into anxiety/paranoia about the new med.

@Blue_Bird I know sometimes you post in the exercise forum, but I have a quick question for you (and any other woman who exercises regularly): what brand/style shoe do you recommend? Right now, I have Brooks Ravenna; it lasted forever, but now I have a hole in the lower toe of my left shoe and want new shoes ASAP. I'll probably order online as I hate going to the sports store so shoes that fit good to size are also nice so I don't have the hassle of a return.

So I’ve been wearing my Nike Air Max’s for 3 years. And I walk everywhere cause I don’t have a car and use them for exercise and also I wore them through like 4 months of a retail job getting 20,000 plus steps a day on the job. They don’t have holes in them yet but they’re thinning out and the grips on the bottom have worn down so I plan on replacing them soon. They have been great for me. Next time I buy shoes which will be in a few weeks from now to replace them, I’m getting sketchers max , which I read good reviews, especially from nurses who walk a lot. I trust nurses reviews a lot because they’re on their feet a lot so need something both long lasting and comfortable for long hours of use.

@BeyondtheRainbow i saw an article about that. I think the throwback is a good idea - i find myself getting annoyed at how fast time is moving in the series! Its like, i signed up for a 1950's show, not 1980's! Seems like the doc's kids should be married by now?

I’m at the mall killing time till Caleb gets here. I’m waiting for the Apple Store to open so I can reinstate my Apple Care. He usually tells me when he’s on his way.