[MuddyBoots]

Finished an IEA today. At first they weren’t sure if I was in a manic/mixed state or “just” doing BPD/ADHD/CPTSD/ disordered eating stuff all at once because of being triggered (I was losing sleep but also the day I went to the hospital had a MAJOR BPD trigger. Like, two weeks later and I swear I still fantasize about causing this person’s death and am STILL feeling all the BPD abandonment button being pressed feelings. I fear I will run into this person tomorrow and go totally apeshyt). I was fking wild all last week, and before my main provider left fir the weekend she said she wouldn’t extend the IEA if I could eat, hydrate, not self-harm, and not lash out at anyone (and this would “prove” I really am in control and it’s not a bipolar episode). I was determined to get out if that hell hole of finding out old friends died, constantly hearing people fight each other (and then act like they drank a fifth after they take just 15mg of diazepam ORALLY like they’ve never touched a benzo before), being locked in a unit with a hall two strides wide and no more than 50 paces long, so I DID follow those conditions.

It took 30-40mg of PRN valium a day while taking my other meds (just adderall and clonidine—which I was off the Adderall a few days but the NP said I was impossible to deal with those days and begged me to take it again) and attempts at utilizing the useless hydroxyzine, hiding my purging and tricking people into thinking I ate more than I did (they just make sure you get your tray and don’t dump everything straight inti the trash before sitting down) and yeah, I did scratch myself when I “felt worms in my skin “ and I did punch the shyt out out my stomach every time I took a shower or changed just for existing and not being as silent and ignorable as my appendix. Did I at one point scream and throw stuff at the demon owls in my room? Yeah, but it wasn’t during the every 15 minutes checks so no one saw and no one complained so it doesn’t count.

Have I slept through a single night? No, but I do get at least 4-7 hours of sleep regardless of waking up at least as many times each night, and when they REALLY loaded me up on the benzos I didn’t even lay in bed hours before falling asleep.

While the Adderall and valium was really in there, I was fine. “Shining like the sun” someone said. “Really turned around” another said. And I functioned well enough to hide/not need medical attention from any minor acts of hurting or neglecting myself. Today it was clear to my nurse practitioner I am well and safe and do not need to stay until some “out of control bipolar episode” is passed.

I just wish I had my IV line right now to put 4mg of Ativan in it right now and have a chance of turning the violence in my head off for an hour. But I can’t, because I’m just dealing with my normal life stuff, and therefore should be safe around myself and others.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I can breathe real air and don’t have to rationally fear being tackled and restrained if someone walks in the room in a moment I wasn't staring at the door and got caught off guard.

Just, is everything so bad “at baseline “ now that my “regular days” at this point either require massive amounts of sedative meds or feel completely fking unmanageable?

(I do feel completely fine between 9:30 and 3pm when the Adderall is in full effect and I have a moderate amount of benzos in my system. This late in the day in this state (almost midnight, not the least bit tired but getting ready to see which breaks first—my skull or these thick-*** windows and really hoping my docs weren’t overstating how dangerous/severe/potentially deadly my eating disorder is right now) I would be pleading for a good amount of valium or ativan either IV or IM.)

Does it even matter if I AM in a bipolar episode if I can’t take any real bipolar meds and am too feral (paranoid ?) to feel okay to undress to be then drugged unconscious for ECT? Do I just let these torrents of thoughts and emotions I’m drowning in be and deal however I can in a way trying not to cause so much damage others can see and freak about regardless?

Do I go back to consistently lying to my team to avoid “retraumatization” (I don’t even get how the NP says I was retraumatized when *I* hit the guard. I’m not the fking victim, I am the villain. That’s some Orange man thought process shyt to hurt someone and claim victim. I’m painfully self-aware that I am a common (maybe to some an interesting), monster.) I was told to avoid hospitals if possible. What do I do if I am spending all my free time thinking of (causing my) death and am constantly on the edge of passively and actively acting on that? Obviously not have free time, but sometimes I can be in a frenzy but a simple bathroom break can leave the space for a breakdown.

(And how do I fking forget the song “Skin and Bones” by Marianna’s Trench exists and is kind of sinfully good to listen to?)(if you have an ED playlist and it’s not on there, delete the playlist don’t add it)(I did delete my playlist just am listening to it on repeat even if just for the line “nevermind, I don’t feel anything” in hopes one of these minutes I’ll switch from feeling too much to feeling empty (only to spend ten minutes there and want to be swallowed by such strong sentiments again I forget I barely feel like a person).

[Victoria'smom]

There's got to be supportive housing or a night PCA or a booster of Adderall. Available to you. It's not like spending time in the hospital with no step down program is good for you. I wouldn't be able to strip down to then be drugged to sleep, I would have flipped if an unknown man was alone in a room with me. I don't care his occupation. There sounds like you need to find a trauma center that can help you.

[Blueberrybook]

muddy, I don't know really seems like you are quite manic with hypergraphia too and liable to do rash things to me. Could be depressive too as I haven't read all your recent posts yet. So yeah, maybe mixed but I'd say def in a bipolar episode and seems like you really do need to get off the Adderall no matter what you think. You were not really functioning with Adderall and Ativan or whatever benzo you were on; your ED was so bad, doesn't sound like it to me.

And yeah, I agree with @Victoria'smom, supportive housing may be what you need at least for the time being.

[MuddyBoots]

I tried getting off the Adderall IP, but the NP didn’t like me flipping out ALL day and said I was impossible to talk to and constantly diverting any group I showed up to (wasn’t even allowed to go to some).

I’ll try skipping my meds this morning and my appointment with whoever tf is there so they can’t prescribe anymore. I can’t imagine winning that fight when they call, but whatever, what are they gonna do, send me back? Fine. I’ll fking spend the rest of my life at the state hospital fighting ADHD meds because that’s all they’ll prescribe and being pinned down and injected with valium or Ativan. Maybe thats my new kink. Hell, maybe I’ll do ECT again BECAUSE I want to rip my pants off and be knocked tf out and not know what happened hefore during or after. I mean, wasn’t that like half my life anyway? Just replace opioids with propofol and it’s my late teens/early 20s all over again.

[MuddyBoots]

Or maybe I’ll go back to a different unit and get another doc who will only see bipolar and ignore everything else and prescribe Zyprexa and I can stop sleeping completely and just pace until I go through 10 pairs of hospital socks and swear at my sleep deprivation hallucinations 24/7.

[MuddyBoots]

My case manager SAID she got me on the supportive housing wait list… like over two years ago…

[MuddyBoots]

Like how I’m SUPPOSEDLY on the waitlist to see a GI and SUPPOSEDLY on a waitlist for the eating disorder PHP (that I’m probably not eligible for) and SUPPOSEDLY going to get a call this week from the hospital about starting some Zoom-computer freezing every 3 minutes-therapy with my neighbors able to hear me and whoever hacks my computer listening in with some complex trauma center down in Boston. And SUPPOSEDLY on the waitlist for the DBT program (and my name will probably get to the top of the list and the leader will be like “we already kicked her out because she doesn’t accept any thing anyone says as gospel until it’s explained in a way that makes sense and we can’t spend the group discussing that weeks lesson if we have to spend the first 50 minutes of the hour going over people’s answers to the previous week’s homework and asking questions that don’t fking make a difference like when Jen was saying she used DEARMAN with her sister and we had to do a 20 minute in depth discussion about WHAT KIND of buttons they were quarreling about. God forbid we skip that and actually spend more than 5 minutes going over the current week’s skill!”

[MuddyBoots]

I literally don’t even know what meds to take. Sure, it’s a little easier to skip lunch when I take Adderall, but off it my level 2 skills of emotional regulation, focus, and distress tolerance go to negative 7.3

Maybe I will take the 40mg of Valium a day. That’s what “allowed me” to get out.

I dont know. I don’t feel like leaving so I think I’m just going to turn my phone off and wait for a cop to show up and in the meantime give my shyt to the neighbors because I’m probably never fking coming back after they come.

[Blueberrybook]

You seem quite manic now. I know when I'm manic, I don't feel like eating at all, I can go forever on Diet Coke all day. With an ED history, that is just not good. With an active ED, mania worsens it at least for me, so be careful with that.

I don't know. Can you call your case manager about it? Ask your pdoc for something to bring you down a bit?

[MuddyBoots]

I did go to get meds (had to get glue sticks for an art project and pads/tampons anyway because my eating disorder I guess isn’t so bad I don’t menstruate and the store is right there). The med nurse said she was happy to see me, wasn’t sure if she was going to have to send the hounds after me because I was a little later than usual, haha. Did take the Adderall (honestly bought a Monster too and had half of it because I’m a had bipolar/ED patient). Found out my pdoc (or pdoc’s temp replacement) appointment isn’t even today (hospital fkers lied to me) it’s Thursday with my actual pdoc, and if my case manager even remembers she’s supposed to meet me it won’t be until late afternoon probably. I’m actually kinda tired now (was not at all last night) so might go lay down for a bit. Haven’t showered yet (unusual for me by this late in the morning) so not sure if I want to force myself in there before or after a nap. Probably after. Not a fan of napping with wer hair personally.

(Hey, anyone else think it’s funny when I went to the ER they wouldn’t let me have my hair tie but could have the medical band that I have accidentally made my nipple bleed in prior times from while taking a shower without being careful? What am I going to do with a friggin hair tie. I’m not THAT skinny! And they require “sharp enough to draw blood” wrist bands of the same size.)

If I see my CM I’m not really sure what to tell her. I’ll mention past night I didn’t sleep and was nonstop posting here and messaging people throughout the night (thankfully a couple friends moved to Alaska and Cali so it’s not like it was 3am for EVERYONE’S phone I made go off), but if I’m still feeling like I am now she’s going to say I look good, even, calm, level (even if I’ve lost like 15lbs since I saw her (not like I’m losing crazy fast, I just haven’t seen her since April) (hopefully I will get that shower in by then though. Don’t wanna be a stinky girl in a tiny, hot little studio!)

I do have more valium I can take. It doesn’t really level me like I feel now, but if I take it early enough (or enough of it, she said I can take 20mg if it feels like a time I’d be getting an IM injection in the hospital and they give me 4 10mg tabs a day because the pills only last like 3-4 hours), it keeps me from going berserk.

All is calm (in my apartment), a lot of banging next door. I’ll ask about it later. Might be more mice, might be a little bit of a flip out because I know that one has pretty bad PTSD (actually wonder if she has an ED too, she really only eats soup and has a little of stomach issues. Could just be PTSD-anxiety GI stuff but she’s super skinny and layers up in baggy clothes too and of course pretty sure at least half (honestly maybe even everybody if you don’t strictly go by DSM definition of capital T trauma) of everyone with an ED has a traumatic background so maybe we’re both purging in the same bathroom haha) (I know she smokes weed, can smell it all the time, wouldn’t be surprised if she does heavier shyt though and that’s why she’s so small). (I know significant consumption of weed or certain strains can reduce appetite/cause nausea too so that’s a possibility but I do think it’s more common to have less nausea and more appetite and I don’t think she’s a hardcore stoner unless she does a lot of edibles I’d obviously not be able to smell).

I know I’m doing the hypergraphia thing again, I think I’m just lonely. Inpatient I was talking to people all day (if I wasn’t too ragey) and now I just still feel like I have to share more thoughts than I really do and everyone that works is working and everyone that doesn’t is still sleeping (or doing whatever tf my neighbor is doing, idk. Maybe I should check in on her.) I am laying down and kinda fighting sleep to type so I think I’m just gonna stop fighting.