[Blue_Bird]

Good morning. I’m doing well

As far as the news goes I’m aware of it because people mentioned it in a group chat I’m in. But just avoiding it. All looking at it would do is stress me out. No reason to stress and worry and obsess over things I have literally zero control over and wreck my mental health over. Just living my life. I stopped following it back when it was causing me suicidal thoughts. Not worth it.

Anyway, I’m currently up baking a loaf of bread. It’s got 1 more hour to rise then I can put it in the oven. 🍞

Not sure what else I’m doing today. I’ve got to call my psychiatrists office cause one of my meds needs a prior authorization.

Other than that not much, probably a lot of reading and playing with my cats.

I’m doing good since the med changes. No problems. Mood is good and stable.

[Scooter9]

I've been sleeping for between 3 and 5 hours for the past few days. That's pretty average for me.

Still taking Dayvigo and it might be another couple of weeks before it starts to work, according to my pdoc.

I was working recently, and needed my knife. So I did my thing, and during that, I made a mistake and cut one of my fingers. It's deep and clean like a paper cut, so it still bleeds even a couple of days later.

In keeping it clean and taking care of it. I don't think I need stitches, it's just that it's a really clean cut so it's taking its time.

Quite the situation in the world! But this kind of thing has happened before, not with the involved country, but others.

[HALLIEBETH87]

at wokr. so sick with anxiety lately. i feel like a fraud and i cant be a social worker even though i was excited. imposter syndrome is so bad.

i need to make more money. things are going up and our savings is not. hoping to hear back from jobs ive applied to today.

[LadyShadow]

Mood is good today. Got up early enough to watch cartoons but couldn't get up to go to Walmart or the grocery store. Every time I think about getting up and traveling in that heat, I want to just lay down, lol. I am hoping to do well at work today. Going to try and stay positive and keep pushing forward. I might end up going shopping tomorrow afternoon in all that heat anyway, I don't know. Why the heck does it have to be so damn hot?

The state of the world is on my mind, but I am not letting it freak me out. I wish my parents would hurry up and leave NYC though - they are staying an extra day and it's giving me anxiety. Have to respond to a bunch of messages on Bumble for Friends today. Money is also getting really tight. Didn't budget properly this month, but I tried to put aside money for GalaxyCon. I am privileged that I get to go.

Hope everyone has a good day. @BeyondtheRainbow - I am praying for a good surgery for you. @Blue_Bird I am glad you are feeling better these days. @Nammu - glad you had a good day yesterday. How is Good Omens going?

[Scooter9]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

at wokr. so sick with anxiety lately. i feel like a fraud and i cant be a social worker even though i was excited. imposter syndrome is so bad.


i need to make more money. things are going up and our savings is not. hoping to hear back from jobs ive applied to today.

You've got a great foundation to build on @HALLIEBETH87! Very relevant training and knowledge in today's world.

It might take a while, and you might have to be patient, but I'm sure you'll find a great job that'll become a rewarding career, which is a great, lifetime achievement!

[MuddyBoots]

Haven't been really engaged here lately, though I posted a brief update in the ED sub last night I guess after the mention notification from Blueberrybook

but yeah, Friday night was bad.

Possible trigger: self-abusive behaviors

I technically overdosed on diazepam Friday night but then went RUNNING around at night and then binged and purged

Saturday I felt like shyt. I didn't go to trail days. Just stayed home most the day other than a short trip to get a few things at a store I had a coupon for good for just that day.

Yesterday I tried doing laundry, but things came out of the washer like they came out of a pool and they came out the dryer wet as they should've coming out the washer. Next time I'm using the other floor's washer/dryer and seeing if that one's any better. My mom stopped by later in the day too and dropped off an extra fan she had. She was surprised at how cool it was in my studio (with one south-facing wall more window than wall when I don't have curtains, just blinds that don't fully go down, and no A/C). Like, yeah, when we had those week long power outages, you went to work where there was A/C while I figured out how to keep the house from getting sub freezing or over 100F depending on the season. I worked at an amusement park for five years and I've hiked some of the hardest trails in NH in not great weather (also meaning some of the hardest in the entire Northeast). I know how to deal with weather without dying.

I finished reading What My Bones Know yesterday and OMG what a great book. I don't think I've ever felt more seen in regards to trauma, reactions, therapy, reactions to therapy, etc..

I started reading Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail this morning. I'm at the library right now where it doesn't take effort to stay cool, haha, but I did make sure to unplug anything unnecessary and put the blankets in the windows and shut those as much as possible (last night I felt pathetic trying to open those windows. Like, it felt like more of a workout than my last 4k'er hike, and the past two times I've tried opening the window on the left side I've ended up cussing very loudly because my finger's have slipped and it hurt more than anything I've done scrambling).

I don't have time to respond to everyone but hugs to all. I'm keeping myself ignorant of whatever's happening but it sounds scary and people around here do in general seem on edge more than usual. I hope everyone stays safe physically and emotionally

[Blueberrybook]

@MuddyBoots - Glad you are OK after all that! Probably should have gone to the ER after an OD like that though!

@Scooter9 I don't know how you do it on such little sleep. I'd be a zombie at that rate! If you can go to urgent care for your finger, I'd advise you do it. I once accidently cut my thumb like that, it wouldn't stop bleeding, urgent care couldn't stitch it but they put surgical glue on it and wrapped it and it helped so much!

@LadyShadow - Sorry about your money woes and anxiety over your parents. At least they will be leaving NY soon.

@HALLIEBETH87 - I'm sure anxiety is pretty much a given with graduation and finding a new and better paying job. Be gentle on yourself.

@Blue_Bird - I'm glad to hear you are feeling stable. Do you think the Lamictal is helping you? I love the scent of baking bread. I hope yours turns out well!

As for me, I took a very long jog/walk this morning, too long really but now I'm so anxious I read the news, I wish I could un-read it. I feel like popping extra Seroquel to calm down but I have my mammogram/ultrasound this afternoon, so it's not the brightest idea until that is over with. Feeling gross having not applied deodorant this AM; I'm sure you remember what it's like in TX @Nammu, even worse in SE TX than in Austin, and Austin is bad enough! I'm working on a painting, needing paint to dry before starting the final step. If it turns out, I'll post it here.

[Blue_Bird]

@Blueberrybook I think it’s a combo of the Lamictal, the Thorazine being increased and the Zoloft being decreased.

Still on the trileptal and abilify. The trileptal is getting tapered off soon. The abilify is staying the same, 30mg.

As of now my meds are:

Zoloft 50 mg
Abilify 30 mg
Trileptal 1200 mg
Thorazine 400 mg
Lamictal 100 mg

I’m coming off the trileptal soon. Sine my mood is stable on my other meds now. Then eventually taper off the Thorazine. Ultimately the goal my psychiatrist and I have is for me to just be on 30 mg abilify, 100 mg lamictal and 50mg Zoloft. Plus my PRN klonopin which that one I rarely take.

Trileptal makes other meds less effective. So when the trileptal is lowered and eventually stopped it will automatically make my blood levels of Lamictal rise. Which is why it has to be done slowly. Plus coming off trileptal there’s the risk of seizures since it’s an antiepileptic drug so can’t be stopped suddenly.

Basically the abilify controls my psychosis and mania. The Lamictal is for the mood swings and the Zoloft for depression/anxiety. And the klonopin for panic attacks.

My bread came out even better this time!

[Blueberrybook]

Oh, @Blue_Bird, that bread looks delicious!

I painted today, a departure from my norm, a clownfish which is harder than it looks because you have to be patient not to let the orange or the black paint seep into the white areas and not to let the black paint seep too much into the orange. Not my most impressive painting, but it finally turned out. This is my 3rd try; I kept messing up right at the end, adding the black outlines.

[Nammu]

Oy! Having trouble with reality this morning. I’m still so caught up in my dreams. Blueberry you were with me. We were both in our 20’s in college and had one class together. The prof was a hot famous guy. You had very blonde hair. I used my old computer to get closed captions. My computer looked more like a word processor from the 80’s than a laptop. Then my keys in one part of the key board fell out and I was trying to put them back in. I picked you up and we went to class but instead of sitting with you I went further back to where they had little tables for computers, and tried again to fix the key board, but no luck. The computer wouldn’t caption either but class was very short. He just showed a Star chart and said to learn it. We got separated by all the students between us. I felt bad cause I drove and didn’t know how to find you. I couldn’t communicate because my computer was broken. ( funny we didn’t have phones! ) then I woke up.

Today I need to go get my meds that I’m out of, they don’t auto refill these cause they are controlled substances. It’s a backward thing, not automatically refill these. So that’s my big plans for today.

[LadyShadow]

Getting though the workday - but my mind is on my parents - thanks for thinking of me @Blueberrybook - your clownfish looks so cool! I could never paint anything like that. I love your bread @Blue_Bird ! @Nammu - what a cool dream and you included blueberry too! LOL!

@Scooter9 - I am so sorry you cut your hand, and I also hope you are able to get some more sleep soon.

@HALLIEBETH87 - just keep working at it, you are very smart and resourceful and have accomplished so much, the perfect job is right around the corner! Being a social worker is such important work these days.

@MuddyBoots - so sorry you had all of that happen - I hope you are feeling better now, the OD must have been really scary, I agree with blueberry, I hope you are able to get to an ER if something like that happens again.

Currently talking to some ladies on the Bumble app and making plans. Keeping busy like this is keeping my mind off all my heartache. I am hoping to stay out of the low mood and concentrate on the positive!

[Blueberrybook]

That's a cool dream @Nammu! When I was in college, I often did dye my hair with very blond highlights LOL!

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

That's a cool dream @Nammu! When I was in college, I often did dye my hair with very blond highlights LOL!

That’s cool. Heh heh I never dyed my hair in college or during marriage, wasn’t til after everything fell apart, then I dyed my hair red to match my daughter’s brilliant hair color.

[Mountaindewed]

I don't really feel good today. I've tried all the otc stuff I had and I got some different kinds of dramaine from walmart. Nothing is really working though. My anxiety feels ok. I haven't been paying attention to anything. My mom is all like "you have this to eat." "Don't forget you have this to drink." I know what I have. I don't want anything

[HALLIEBETH87]

I had to leave work. I’m feeling bugs all over me constantly

[Mountaindewed]

I am seriously abour to freak out! I've been out of visteril for like 3 days. Well my regular amount. I had enough for Friday and then 3 yesterday and I found one under my bed today. I'm supposed to take 6 a day. I'm not sure what else I can do today. I feel sick and I see my pdoc tommorow. My pharamacy called him but I'm out of luck I think.

[Crazy Hitch]

I’m so freaking tired! Slept enough hours but been awake on and off since 4:00am but I went to bed early. I’ve had a latte but I’m ready to crawl back into bed. I need to get dressed for work though. Ughhh.

[Blueberrybook]

Breast mammogram and ultrasound are finally over and the radiologist said she saw nothing of concern but to be on the safe side I should get my next mammogram at 6 months instead of waiting for the 1 yr interval. Thank goodness! I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders I didn't even know I was carrying until I heard the doctor tell me her findings. What a relief!

[MuddyBoots]

It really wasn’t scary until I woke up and had to call my team the next day saying I took my meds…two hours later than I would’ve had I had gone to trail days (that being the reason I got out of med management that day combined with the Juneteenth holiday being how I got a hold of all those meds), and why I didn’t go to trail maintenance day. Then it was like, “fk, they’re going to want to talk…the word hospital was already mentioned like 3 times this week and if I go back I ain’t staying here long after discharge because that bs is done.”

I was really passive aggressive with my CM during our meeting today. She picked up on it when she made a comment about “time changes everything “ and I went off on some tangent about time being nothing more than a human-made way of quantifying changes that is inherently meaningless outside of scheduling and preparation purposes that we only need because humans have developed into evolution’s monster that probably made her think I was high and angry (especially angry, and she’d be right about that) and left.

[raspberrytorte]

Had my appointment with my GP about my period induced nausea. She said I need an ultrasound and referred me to an OB/GYN clinic that is supposed to call me, but they haven't yet. She also had lab work done to check my iron levels and kidneys and liver. And she prescribed me some zofran.

I'm having a particularly anxious day. News stuff, and I'm worried there's going to be something wrong with my liver because of all the meds I'm taking. My anxiety brain is going wild right now! Like it's gone all the way to my meds have caused me to have liver cirrhosis and I'm going to die. It's just stupid! Dumb anxious brain! But I'm seriously freaking out about news stuff and labs and ultrasounds to make sure I don't have fibroids or cyts.

I need to STOP because this is spiraling out of control!

STOP IT RASPBERRY!!!!

[LadyShadow]

Things have been going good despite some up and down emotions. Enjoying my time on the chat program Paltalk - I bumped into a guy I hadn't talk to in a lot of years that I used to have a huge crush on - it's amazing how much time I spent online years ago.

Had a little disappointment with a girl on the Bumble app - I told her I was bipolar after she disclosed that she was adhd - and she just stopped talking - that's messed up, but I guess that's how some people are. It's sad because she was close to me distance wise.

I feel I am in a good position with work this week, just having anxiety about having to go out in all this heat. I just want to stay home all week until it's over - but that's just not possible.

[Sunflower123]

I finished my gastric study and I do have significant gastroparesis. That is paralyzed stomach and digestive muscles basically. It can be managed but not cured. The doctor wants to do one more test on my small bowels to make sure there are not any blockages and then we’ll talk medicine and feeding tubes. Bummer. This could be a result of my weight loss medication and there are lawsuits out there for that. I’m not litigious by nature but I am a bit disturbed by this.

I’m adopted and one gift my biological parents passed on was intelligence. One is a doctor and the other got a scholarship to study at Oxford in England. I was adopted into a family with average to low average intelligence. Most times we can get around it but sometimes it is very challenging. On the topic of mental illness - half of my family doesn’t believe in mental illness (that’s just nuts) and the other half think I’m using it as a crutch and excuse not to live my best life. I can have a sharp tongue and sometimes I’d like to just go scorched earth verbally. I believe though I should not let that distract me from my goals or drain my energy. I don’t have to attend every battle I’m invited to.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I hope everyone has a peaceful night

[Blue_Bird]

We’re doing our dinner swap thing tonight. Two of my neighbors and I. One guy made catfish, my other neighbor she made turnips and potatoes, and I made the homemade bread. We all get some of each others dish should be fun! We’re gonna try to start doing this more regularly

Had some bad panic and dissociation earlier today but it went away after I took my klonopin.

Anyway, just got completely caught up on laundry. Did 3 loads of it. Clothes, towels, bedding, blankets. Everything. Feels good.

I feel good. Tomorrow I have that crochet class to go to. It’s ungodly hot out so I’ve been inside all day in the air conditioning.

I scheduled my next violin lesson for July 26th. We’re doing an hour long lesson that day. Since my teacher will be traveling most of the month playing at different events and concerts with her band so that will work better for her schedule this month instead of two thirty minute lessons spread throughout the month like we normally do.

I feel good 😃

[Victoria'smom]

Talked to t today, she's not happy with what is going on with me. She found me some new centers around me if her replacement doesn't work out. English is hard for me, sensory stuff too, oh and I'm further into psychosis then I lead on.

Possible trigger:

she doesn't know about the sh thoughts or the hypersexuality

but doesn't like where this is going. She wants me to be real honest with my husband. She said try in school don't stress myself out though. If I can do it fine if I can't that's okay too. I wanted to tell her my thoughts but there wasn't enough time and that conversation can lead to hospital. I don't want that. She's concerned with my food intake and sleep. I didn't need to concern her more. I know I'm wrong but it feels like I have the answer but I can't test it out because everyone would flip **** about it. I wish I would have told her. I'm ****ing vibrating.

I looked it up it's me, I have no symptoms of what I think is going on. So it's just my brain being ****ed.

[Mountaindewed]

@Sunflower123 all of my doctors won't prescribe me weight loss meds because they say my GI symptoms will get worse. I can't even take berbirine.

I hope you feel better