Bipolar Check-In #91

Had a naughty and fun conversation with F this afternoon, outside with our dogs. We talked all about sex. I've been flirting with a SEXY young male realtor who is in my building, selling a home. He's too busy for me tho. F has time for me. She bought me a moist chocolaty brownie with pretty colored sprinkles on it and an ice tea. Nice. She's not working and is off university. We talked about sex toys and drugs. It was really nice to connect with someone. I can't explain it, but she's very sleepy. I just want to nap after being with her. She's so gentle and ripe, like a young fertile Earth Mother goddess. I got into bed but flew solo thinking about the realtor. Whatever.

I love a trip to the moon too. It was amazing! I’ve seen about 3 versions of around the world in 80 days, liked the one with David Tennant. And the mad mad mad world was just so so for me. I just finished watching Bad omens. Another David Tennant series.

I think I’m
Gonna get the job!!!

They had HR come give me a drug test and consent to background check! I’ll hear next week!!!

That is so cool that youve seen Trip. It was amazing how much i remembered of it, like the moon creatures and the weird sailors. It must have really imprinted on my brain. I once saw a bit of i think a Mae West movie where she plays a lion tamer and i was like omg i remember that too.

Yes the David Tennant version was terrific.

I’m learning to accept the fact that I’m not low and I’m not high. I’m just severely anxious - particularly about the one unruly class I teach that are unmanageable.

I made the most delicious smoked ch and cheese salad for lunch. Had some cut up pineapple slices for dessert. Soooo freaking delicious!

I'm getting ready to go to the big city for my breast specialist and mammogram. I drive up tomorrow, spend the night and then see her and have the mammogram. I'm actually not nervous for a change; it actually crept up on me. Nonetheless I'll be glad to get home Friday evening.

I didn't do much today. Despite not getting out of bed until 11 am, I was still exhausted all day so I rested. It's only a little after 9 pm, but I still plan on going to bed soon because I'm so tired. That could be the seroquel kicking in though. Temp wise, it hit 118 degrees outside today. It's hard to believe we go back to school as early as we do when temps are so high in the summers here. I've heard several of my coworkers say they would rather start later/end later than have to go back when it's so hot out. For recess and PE, it would make sense to go back when temps were a little lower (although, they'd probably still be triple digit temps even if we started later).

Oo fingers crossed for you.

I sort of accidentally propositioned the sexy male realtor yesterday. I was just coming home and someone pulling out in a nifty red car waved to me. I didn't know who it was but my female neighbor L drives a red car so i thought it might be her.

The person rolled down the window and i leaned down and chanted, "Road trip, road trip!" It's just something i do with all drivers because it's funny and i take public transit and miss road trips. I had my granny cart with me full of items from the dollar store ~ not very sexy!!! Hahaha!!!

"I have to go see clients," the person said and that's when i realized it was the sexy male realtor. I was taken aback and just called out a flirty "Bye!" and carried on.

I would NEVER have gotten in the car with him, as i won't get into a car with a stranger, especially not a strange man, unless it's a licensed cab driver. I don't even take Ubers because of security concerns. So i hope the realtor doesn't think i'm interested in going on a road trip with him. He's hot and everything, but i need at least a social relationship first, if not to fall in love.

We at least need to be friends, and he doesn't have time to get to know me, being that he's a busy professional with a girlfriend and probably still has his parents and extended family. He'd be cheating anyways, which doesn't bother me a lot, but it doesn't speak well for his character, tho it's mostly his body i am interested in!!! Hahaha!!!

Anyways, i have scars of a on my arms, so that's not too sexy either and a lover would probably not feel confident about having sex with me if we were not socially committed to each other first. I worry that sex with another human would be too traumatic for me, given the shattering betrayal by my husband. I might cry, or find it triggering and overwhelming, and what do you do after your clothes are off. It's already gone too far.

I wouldn't be alone with a man anyways, because of safety concerns. There are just too many obstacles to an experience with a man. I have such conflicted feelings about men, it seems hopeless. I like looking at them, and fantasizing about them, and am attracted to them sexually, but not socially. It seems impossible.

I'm not interested in an encounter that is purely sexual. I tried that after my divorce and it was disposable, i didn't have any feelings, and don't remember his name, or face, and could only give a very general description of him. He wasn't a good lover.

I don't know. Maybe i'll just focus on social relationships with women for the moment. Friendships. I'm not ready for a sexual experience with ANYONE.

I slept from about 6 to 5:45. I'm still in bed and I'm trying to wake up because I see my therapist again today. I cancelled last Thursday and rescheduled for Monday. So I have 2 sessions this week so I don't get charged for a missed one.

I feel ok. I'm just tired.

I got in the shower pretty easily. Now I'm just watching the Today Show.

wtf. why do I see something about showers as soon as I log in. Just my freakin luck. I can relate to not being very low or very high, ''just'' severely anxious right now. Meds refilled today so that might help a bit

The inspectors are here, and I am very nervous. They are changing the smoke alarm, but my friend had pulled it out of the ceiling because of it's constant beeping. They are trying to fix it now. They left my door wide open, and I am worried about flies coming in here because it's so hot outside, plus my AC is on and they have the door wide open. My nerves are on edge, I feel like I am going to panic.

I am hoping they leave soon. I feel better that they are getting things done though. The maintenance guy is really nice, I think he just fixed my fire alarm - he said that if I need anything don't hesitate to call. I think it's over now, phew thank God, that was heart wrenching.

I am going to wait a while and make sure this fire alarm is fixed and not beeping, then I will go out and get my eyebrows done, they are totally out of control. I think I need some groceries too.

Last night on interpals, someone showed me an Illicit photo and when I blocked him, he kept making different accounts and harassing me. I reported him several times, but I got a message from Interpals telling me my account might get suspended. Looks like he reported me too, what a jerk, he was the one harassing me.

@unaluna @Nammu - I am so glad you guys liked Trip to the Moon! I saw the colorized version last night, someone had restored it. You can find it on MAX. It was very interesting. I like when the moon got hit in the eye! I remember Mad, mad, mad, world too, it's one of my favorites.

Good morning! I slept good. Today is the buildings big BBQ. Then after that tonight I have my Bible study with @LadyShadow which I’m looking forward to! Should be a good day

It’s good to see you @Fuzzybear

I’m going to see the new Superman movie on Sunday

Just enjoying some coffee right now and music.

Yikes, what an idiot on interpals. And blocking him is the right thing to do. What a hater he is reporting you too. Hope they see sense and suspend him and NOT you

ETA the only possible take out I got from that (for another time etc) is maybe only report the troll/hater/perv once or twice. I don't think it was wrong reporting him several times but some places might see it as ''wrong/excessive'' - just a thought. It sounds like he probably preys on multiple people

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear Yikes, what an idiot on interpals. And blocking him is the right thing to do. What a hater he is reporting you too. Hope they see sense and suspend him and NOT you ETA the only possible take out I got from that (for another time etc) is maybe only report the troll/hater/perv once or twice. I don't think it was wrong reporting him several times but some places might see it as ''wrong/excessive'' - just a thought. It sounds like he probably preys on multiple people

@Fuzzybear You know what you're right. I reported him several times, because everytime he changed accounts I reported him, so it was a lot. But you're right, they might have seen the excessive reporting to be abusing the system or whatever. Boo on them!

I just found out my noisy neighbors next door moved out. I thought they went away for 4th of July but they are actually gone! The guy that lived there was in and out so much my Ring camera used to go off at all hours of the night. I just hope no one worse moves next door!

Can't wait for our bible study later @Blue_Bird!

I'm still reeling from taking that double dose of night meds accidentally on Tues. night. I've read all the posts, but I'm just not up to responding to everyone. My thoughts are with all of you.

I slept well last night, and I did a gentle pilates video this morning. Even so, my nerves are just fraught, and I'm anxious and panicky about nothing. I had a pdoc appt. this morning, and H said I could drive the new car, but my nerves were so high-strung, even a couple of panic attacks, that I just decided to drive my old car because I'm more used to it. Probably a good thing because I had panic & dissociation while driving.

The pdoc didn't make any med changes but he did say it may still be a couple of days before I get back to normal after that screw-up with the night meds and probably that's where my anxiety today was coming from. He did suggest taking a Benadryl after lunch if the low dose Seroquel didn't help my nerves (it did a little and then it wore off I think).

I got home, folded laundry, and started painting a hamburger. Things were going really well on the painting, it had a lot of waiting for the wet paint to dry steps, and I was almost finished, just about to finish the toothpick on top of the burger when I spilled an entire cup of water on my painting. No rescuing it from that really. I feel extremely frustrated and demoralized now. Hopefully, eating lunch and watching a show will help. I did finish my library book before my painting disaster, so at least I can concentrate to read. After lunch, I'll probably take that Benadryl, read, play on my iPad.

Here's my hamburger such as it is after the water spill:

I went to the demist they took out a tooth shard so hopefully I will heal. They want me to do a deep cleaning 4x a year but the noise and pain of that I'm not going to do that. At least not until I can chew on my dentures.

I’m still exhausted! Slept 3 1/2 hours after doing very little. I have an ultrasound to see if my iud is in the right place. Been a week and a half since I had the bad cramping so I’m thinking it is but they want to make sure.

Oh! And I canceled my ride there. I’ll just drive myself. Saves waiting around for them forever after I’m done. It’s not far. I take the rides when it’s gonna be 45 minutes etc.

I had a good therapy session. She said she hates when people who aren't doctors try to involve themselves in other peoples health issues. She said some people just get obsessed with other peoples issues.

I should have gotten blood work done today. I'm lazy.

I have a consultation on the 23rd with general surgery

Snack wraps are back...

Finally got some sleep last night! Was worried about a fourth all-nighter, but I went to bed around 9:30 last night and didn't get up for the day until 2:30 this morning!! Only woke up once too! Was great. Was having a good day until I got meds, but I guess I wasn't weighed yesterday because she forgot and did it today, rather than because they got a weight Monday and had access to one from the hospital Tuesday... and I get to do it all again tomorrow. Makes me anxious. It's not even knowing how much force I exert upon the Earth (and the Earth upon me), but just the whole "we have to do this weekly to see if you need to be really locked up ASAP."

Luckily it was chilly and raining this morning and I had been walking around looking for a good price on some chocolate after a breakfast that felt filling at 3am but, yeah, the chocolate cravings kicked in 5 hours after that. There's a place going out of business I got some stuff 50% off from.

I’m not actually sure what I’m going to do today. I have to go to the grocery store and I have to go pick up my monthly meds but beyond that I don’t know. I can’t walk my son to the park because they predict rain all day. I’m wondering if I have the energy to take him to an indoor play centre. Problem is I’ve got leftover salad for lunch that I’d really like to eat so perhaps I will take him after lunch time so I can at least eat at home.

@Blueberrybook looks so delicious!

Got a phone call in the middle of the day! Definitely was the highlight of my day today. Talked about Star Wars books and some of the stuff I had in my collection. Feeling pretty upbeat. About to start my study with @Blue_Bird so excited! I think this will be good for the both of us.

My faith has been wavering. I know it's because of the extremely hot church, and me not being able to go to my Legion of Mary meeting. It was weird but Tuesday, a wave of depression hit me so hard I couldn't move. What do you guys do when that happens?

I kinda personally just try NOT to move. Feels like the harm reduction route compared to what those thoughts will tell me I should do. Eventually my hyperactive mind/body will scream for being bored and understimulated and I’ll think of something to do and eventually can say I AM capable of getting off the floor/out of bed/out the shower/etc to do the thing and I do.

Now days I just go with it and ride it out. Just lay there and practice acceptance. I used to fight it and feel I had to do something, be productive. It was hard cause I grew up with parents from the greatest generation and no matter what, they did it, stiff upper lip and all that. I know my mother had bouts of depression but she soldered though and I think it made her life pretty miserable at times.

As for faith. That I know nothing about personally. I’m a pagan. I have spiritual beliefs but no church. I think from what I’ve read it’s common for faith to waver, even clerics waver. Maybe another place where you need to practice acceptance? Really don’t know in this matter.

I'm tired but can't sleep because I feel if I do I'll die. I'm trying to lay down and sleep but the feelings are strong.