Bipolar Check-In #91

@Moose72 Do you notice any differences? It's going to be hard for me to know if it's doing anything because I've been on quite a bit of it for many years.. I am currently trying to put aside money to get a cooling mattress topper. I need the topper b/c my bed is too soft and I wake up in pain every day but the coolingi thing would be great if it works.....................................................

@raspberrytorte: It's delightful to hear you sounding so positive and excited! I'm happy for you that your tough day of appointments went so very well. I get you about the random teenage stranger telling you she liked your style ~ i tell women when i like their style and they tell me. Women are very supportive of women, it's a beautiful thing! It's really great that your therapist is so supportive, escorting you to your appointments. Maybe therapists are not so bad? Your enthusiasm about concert-going makes me cheerful. I'm glad you have a passion in your life you enjoy so much. Concerts can really make memories of a lifetime. I saw my favorite Matthew Good do a live acoustic concert and it was so intimate and vulnerable ~ really moved my heart!

Good morning, slept well last night after my shift. I was feeling a tad dissociated before my shift last night and felt a panic attack coming on the bus there but I’m glad I just pushed through and went. Just up now having a coffee and have the whole day ahead of me to do whatever I want.
There was a well known prostitute in the neighborhood outside at the bus stop when I was on my way to my shift last night. She was asking for money. I felt bad for her so I gave her the last $2 in my wallet then she rambled on for like 15 minutes about her plans to become a pharmacist and how she has a business down in Ohio that makes $20-$60 per MINUTE and all this other random stuff. Then she got up and left and started cussing random people out on the street. She was really high.

I think it helps. Not having as many hot flashes or sleepless nights.

@JaneOnceMore

Oh my god. Now YOU'RE being so nice. Thank you. 😊 Yeah. I comment when I like another woman's style too. Like if I like their purse or their shoes or dress or whatever. I SHOULD have told that teenager I liked her style too because I did. I don't know why I didn't. I regret not doing it though. I thought she looked cool.

Yeah. My therapist is great. I keep on telling her she doesn't have to take me to all these appointments, that my husband can, but she wants to. It's nice having fellow woman support though. It's especially nice having it at psychiatrist appointments because she sees me every week and I see my psychiatrist once a month, so my therapist has a clearer picture of my moods and what's going on with me. Plus, she remembers things I forget to bring up.

Seriously, the amount of money we have spent on concerts is staggering because for all of them (except one, and the one that's on Monday) we've had to travel for, which requires hotel, food, gas, etc. It's seriously ridiculous. We need to control our habit! But we don't do vacations. We do concerts. But the one in October is the absolute LAST of our concert season! We can't travel in the winter (bad weather, snow, icy roads, etc.) and next spring/summer/fall we are controlling ourselves and spending the thousands of dollars we spent this summer on concerts getting ink!

(We'll see if that actually happens. Lol)

But yeah. Just... thank you for being so nice. 😊

And yeah, not all therapists are bad. I went through about a dozen before I found this one and she's great! We really get along well.

about half hour before my appointment, I don't want to go.

So I went he didn't ask any of the are you a danger to yourself or others questions. So that's good because I wouldn't know how to answer them. I told him about my paranoia and seeing shadows.I told him I want to sleep until this passes and feeling empty. I told him I had ice cream cake.

Did my Frankenstein painting. That was fun. I did it the other day and it came out bad so I decided to do it over again today and it came out so much better this time.

Which reminds me I need to collect rocks for the rock painting class I’m teaching on the 24th. Keep procrastinating on going outside to find rocks. Will definitely do it this week.

I was out in the sun again this morning and it was a lot. Kinda tmi but my urine is very dark. I'm trying to get hydrated with water. I slept for 9 hours last night. I tried turning on my music at one point but all I did was put the song Vodka Cranberry on repeat.

I'm not sure whats the heat and whats the stomach stuff. But I'm In the AC now and my overall anxiety is ok as long as I don't think about the possible surgery.

How do you use the bathroom after stomach surgery and are in the hospital for a few days. I have a couple sceranios in my head but non are pleasent.

I'm really tired and I haven't been tired during the day since getting off the topamax and some GI stuff. This is for sure the heat

Kiss, marry, re-re-alive? hes cute!!

Ohh blue bird 🐦 I love that painting! It’s wonderful.

Thanks Unaluna and Nammu! I’d post what the first version I did looked like but it was embarrassingly bad haha but I guess that’s why practice improves things

I don't know why it's so hard for me to get up in the morning, but I did it!! Took a shower and made my bed too, I am so proud, lol. I made my first TikTok video today and I am feeling good. I want to make more and talk about sobriety. My new bestie I met on Bumble makes great videos and has a lot of followers, she is really inspiring me - we are having a best friend sleepover in August, I am excited!

I am feeling really good today, I have my Legion of Mary meeting later, where I will get my assignment for next Sunday. I really hope they have the AC fixed. Going to work more on my career plan, and play some games this afternoon before I go. I am glad you are feeling good about your appointments @raspberrytorte - you deserve to feel good about things and to enjoy your concerts when you go. I love your painting at @Blue_Bird !! I am playing more Wylde Flowers and it's so much fun.

I can finally breathe, and although a lot of things are up in the air for me, I still have a reason to smile, so I took a selfie, even WITH all the gray lol : )

Hope everyone is having a good day! And a if you need it.

Cool painting @Blue_Bird and I love your picture @LadyShadow You have such beautiful striking eyes and a wonderful smile

Sorry I'm not responding to everyone, just keeping up with posts has been hard on me lately.

I'm feeling stressed today. I don't know. I had to bring my daughter to the doctor, get her set up with a family doc as she's 17 now (will be 18 in December --yikes!), and I just feel she's outgrown the pediatrician. The doctor was nice but there were forms and forms and questions I could tell my daughter thought were excessive. Hopefully they won't ask that many questions in the future! I see a doctor at the same practice but mine is no longer taking new patients, so this was a new doc for me to meet as well. Though with the forms & questions, sometimes I feel they get longer & longer every subsequent appointment. I must have had to sign or initial 15 pages, and I'm not kidding! Mostly we were waiting; the appointment still was around 30 min with all the questions (half of them a repeat from the med tech). The doctor wants yearly bloodwork, H isn't very down with that. I told him we can forgo it unless my daughter seems unduly fatigued or I told my daughter if her periods were excessively heavy. Otherwise, she's pretty healthy.

I think I just wasn't fond of the schedule, did pilates, just been feeling stressed & anxious all day. It didn't help I was dissociating in the doctor's office and honestly, I think my hearing is going because I had trouble understanding half the things the med tech was saying and I've been having trouble understanding some of the dialogue on Star Trek which we are watching from the beginning; soon, I may have to have H put the closed captioning on even if he does not care for it there. I'll have to mention it my next checkup.

Took the low dose Seroquel, couldn't relax. Just finished a cup of chamomile tea, maybe it's helped some. My hormones are acting up too as I had spotting all last week from Monday or Tuesday on through yesterday when I started bleeding red, I don't know is the spotting the first day of my period (felt like it, I was extremely tired that day, making one of my night med mistakes that night). So now I'm bleeding red, what is this going to go on another week yet?! I am ready for it to stop!

Anyway, taking a break from art today. Keyed up like this I tend to have a hard time with it. May try relaxing on my iPad and streaming some shows.

NAMI called me back today about the 8 week peer to peer program. The lady remembered me from when they came to our supportive housing site recently to do a presentation. She said she thinks I’ll be a perfect fit and she’s gonna have the teacher of the class call me and screen me (they just have to make sure people aren’t gonna take the class and then go out and teach it for money) and I can get to know the teacher a bit beforehand. The program starts in September and it’s 8 weeks, every Tuesday night from 6pm to 8pm. So I’m gonna be going to that. Which will be nice.

I ended up doing another quick little painting today. I feel pretty good today. Enjoying the day.

My therapy session today was a disappointment but i didn't expect much from this "community center" org as i've been there once before in-crisis and the woman was actually offensive about my weight. This time i wrote on the intake form that if she commented on my weight i would leave, so my boundary was set before we sat down. At least it wasn't damaging.

I talked far too much and i don't really blame the therapist for not being able to make sense of the mess i spouted off. I only identified one clear issue, bipolar rage, and she only said to use the STOP technique which i have tried before without success.

She didn't have anything to say about my frustration with men, which was vexing. She DID point out that socializing in the lobby might not be worthwhile as people are reluctant to invite you to their home. Fair enough, i am reluctant to invite anyone to mine.

She gave me a number for a housekeeping support org to help with the backlog of stuff to be done. Once it's all caught up i can deal with it. I can do ONE load of laundry a week, i just can't do TEN loads of laundry today or any day.

The home support org also has a social event, usually a luncheon, once a month so that might be an opportunity for social connection. She suggested a walking group and a gym but those are not possible or practical as i can't walk more than fifty meters and we have a gym here in the building which i am having success working out in, four days in a row now!!!

So that was just a few hours of an unproductive investment of time, but it was free, and no big surprise. The "family service center" therapist will call in one to two months. I'll wait for that org to pursue therapy. No sense going back to today's org. They are not helpful.

Well, as far as finding a good therapist, the only way to be sure to fail is not to try. Raspberrytorte said it took her about ten tries to find a good therapist. I hope it won't take ME that many, but the search is on.

You already know you’re taking too much. Why ask here? We’re not doctors

I have posted the max safe dose of melatonin and links to where I found that multiple times. I'm setting a boundary here, I'm not looking it up again. You need to talk to you doctor about it but you can also look it up.

Beautiful painting bluebird and lovely picture LadyShadow 💖

Got back from my daughter’s house. We’re watching rings of power while we wait for Stranger Things to start season 5. She read they are just having three 2 hour episodes, thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve. That makes it hard!

I had a really tough time waking up today. My dream was like a thriller young adult novel. I do lucid dreaming so when a dream is headed for darkness I steer it in a better direction. But last night it seemed determined to be overpowering so I had to keep solving the problems like being kidnapped turned out to be friends. I woke up exhausted.

So I want off all my meds. I can't because of the nurse and my dr. I don't think the gabipenten is helping me. I'm numb, empty, my T wants to figure out what fills that emptiness, H comes with me to my appointment so he may tell on me but I don't want to say it. My appointment for the study is coming up too.So I have to be careful because of that. I'm trying to stay under the radar because of the questions they ask. My T wants me to do 30 minutes of school a day So I don't feel like a burden. I have to find a way to not lie but fly under the radar.I can't get caught because I leave in a week. I don't trust T yet and the study dr isn't my dr. He's just there to collect data. I'm not sure what my nurse would do. I'm just a mess and I didn't convey that to my T.

Told H because he'd feel betrayed if he figured out on his own.

Thanks @Crazy Hitch !! And @Nammu, what season of rings of power are you on? I need to rewatch the first season so I can watch season two. I’m also excited about the 5th season of Stranger Things coming out.

I did one final painting today, painted a lot today but it was fun!

I’m just relaxing now watching some of Supernatural

Had THEE funnest conversation outside with F my new young female friend, all about men and sex. Feel a lot better. F is much better for my health than any therapist could be!!!

Spent more money than I would have liked at the mall. My son really wanted these pair of shoes he saw and to be honest he doesn’t have a lot of shoes (nor do I) so I thought why not

(briefly, to not get too upset too quickly) discussed medical hospitalization with my pdoc today. I have to go back to my PCP next week.
and apartment inspections this week :')

We’re on season one. It’s a complicated show. We accidentally started season two and I had no idea what was going on, I think we’re on episode 4.

Boy! Tonight we just couldn’t finish a game in 500. The first game we were 12 hands in and still no closer to a win! All of us went in the hole at one point or another. Finally someone else joined for a fourth and we started over, still took us 8 hands to get a winner.