Bipolar Check-In #92

It’s thunderstorming here and I found N3! I know he’s an adult but he’s also my Noah.

Welcome back @Victoria'smom !

Oh blueberry that avocado toast is wonderful. What an excellent job!

I thought it was dancing & happy ("sunny-side up!")! I really need to get this cataract looked at!

I am so grateful for my new apartment unit's AC. It is soooo modern. I think the old one was original from the 1950's when this complex was built. I can set a temperature and it automatically switches itself on and off.

I feel bad about contributing to climate change / planet destruction, but then again, i want to stay alive. I mean, what did i spend my adult life in therapy for, right? My mother's across the street neighbor owned an upstairs-downstairs house living upstairs, pretty sure no AC, and one hot day he cut the lawn, and he was an old guy, right? That was it, the end.

I feel ill if it gets too hot in here. I hate staying in for days on end, but i dont go out when its too cold either. Just stayin alive.

Yeah I get that unLuna! Avoiding the extremes. I too don’t go out if it’s too hot and humid or too cold. I’ll go without stuff before I’ll go out in the winter. Cold being a bigger obstacle to me because, coats, gloves, hats, scarves and boots! I plan to get a new email then get a Walmart account so I can get my tea delivered. Then I’ll have no reason to leave. I do feel bad contributing to the climate change but I do better in a steady climate of 70-72 degrees low humidity. I loved the weather in Albuquerque when I lived there. Dry heat, dry winter. I really understand that.

I was out socializing with my neighbors. We were drinking and heading over to one of their penthouses for margaritas. I was looking forward to seeing his place as i've never seen a penthouse before. I was looking forward to having a margarita. I've never had one before. I've never even had tequila before. I felt my horizons expanding and felt like i was really on an adventure.

We were talking and laughing. I didn't see anything wrong with it. But then one of the guys started dwelling on our age difference. They are all Generation Y, and i am a Baby Boomer (the second last year). It made me feel weird, like my presence was inappropriate. I thanked them for the drink, wished them happy margaritas, and left.

I wish that one guy hadn't pointed out that i am much older than them. I was having an excellent time til then. I was so looking forward to carrying on to the neighbor's penthouse and finally having a margarita at last. How unfortunate.

Well, i'll just have a mocktail margarita at my favorite cafe tomorrow. I am meeting my friend from my drop-in there in the morning. I feel sad that i don't seem to fit in anywhere. My friend tomorrow is pretty limited socially. A nice person, but somewhat wooden in conversation. Terse replies. Not volunteering anything of her own. I do all the entertaining.

I can't seem to find a relationship that suits me. I enjoy all my new friends, for a wide variety of reasons, and i am grateful for all their friendship. But there is no one single friend who knows my heart.

It's okay tho. I didn't like how the penthouse owner talked about how he had taken a financial ride on his rich ex-wife while they were married. I don't respect men who do that, as MY ex-husband did on me. It's exploitive and shows a serious lack of character.

@JaneOnceMore - It sucks that they brought up the age difference. I'm sorry about that. I having a lot of difficulty making close friends too, but you do better than I do, at least you put yourself out there and try to socialize. The older I get the more & more I just want to stay home and not socialize or anything. Yesterday, we were all invited to a birthday party for one of my daughter's friends. Just a small thing at their house but I didn't want to be social at all and stayed home. Hopefully, they understand as H told the couple long ago that I have bipolar. I just feel so awkward in social situations, anxious, I don't know. I only made one good friend when I was in college, and now she lives on the east coast and we haven't seen each other in 15 yrs. or so.

Oh, nammu, i was thinking about moving to Albuquerque!

It was back in the late 1900’s that I lived there. 1980’s. Loved all the stucco houses and old town was beautiful. They make the most delicious food, green chili stew. Art is everywhere.

I didn't end up getting out of bed as early as I wanted to today. I'll try again tomorrow. Thanks to my prn of seroquel, my mood wasn't as low today-I've had some mild SI nothing compared to how bad it has been on the days I haven't taken the prn.

I'm very ahead of my normal routine-normally, I am just now getting my workout in (if I do one), but I have already worked out and showered. Everything else on the list I need to complete before going back to school needs to wait for tomorrow so I will just be relaxing the rest of the night. I'm going to read at least one more chapter of my book. We'll see what else I do besides watch America Ninja Warrior.

Why am I still so anxious in the mornings? It seems to be a morning thing when I'm at work. Will ask my pdoc next week. I remember one time I could take seroquel as a PRN. But I don't want to go on even a low dose of seroquel because of weight gain etc.

My friend who takes watercolor classes, her teacher is doing a week long watercolor class (virtually) it was only $10 so I signed up. Its near the end of August. Its a 2 hour class 5 days in a row. I'm excited about it. Her teacher is really good

I have my violin lesson coming up September 14th really need to get on track with practicing consistently again. Kinda fell off for awhile.

I feel good. Its been a good day. Tomorrow I've gotta go to the pharmacy then to walmart.

Had a banana nut muffin today that was really good, makes me want to make some homemade banana bread.

No panic attacks or dissociation today. Been a chill day

My mood has been very stable since being on Lamictal. Also no longer having lots of anger or irritability.

Back in the 1900's, riding one of those new-fangled big giant front wheel bicycles!

@Blueberrybook: Thanks for the support, i appreciate it. Yes, it's hard to make friends as an adult. As kids we ALL want to play in the dirt. But as adults, we're all scattered in a thousand different directions, and it's hard to connect. I'm sorry you didn't feel up to the birthday party. Maybe next time?

I’m hallucinating

@Moose72 any chance it's from lack of sleep? It sounds like you've been having a hard time with that.

Would that make my meds not work?

@Moose72 I'm having a hard time saying this so please tell me if I don't make sense. I don't think not sleeping makes your meds not work. More it's that if you have symptoms that for some reason your meds aren't working as well as usual and so other symptoms can pop up and for me at least there is a pattern with several days of lack of sleep leading to other symptoms which may or may not be psychotic. I guess your AP may be working as well as usual and is overwhelmed or that your AP isn't working as well causing the lack of sleep which causes hallucinations. (It's like the song about the old lady who swallowed the fly . For me the rule is 3-4 nights without a reasonable amount of sleep and I'm to contact my pdoc. If I do that fast enough a few days of a higher dose of AP helps. If I don't I feel worse.

But how do I fix this? Call after hours line? I tried taking photos but I saw my cat in them so she is real. Ts 9 pm here. I can’t possibly drive.

No, definitely don't try to drive. If you have an after-hours number it can't hurt to call. If not maybe call in the morning and try to get seen.

Taking pictures is a good idea. I do that to help track things my OCD gets me upset about and it stops me from having to go check on things over and over.

I'm glad Ariel was in your picture. Pets are super at grounding.

My therapist friend said to take pictures.

I can’t record the audio voices they’re too quiet.

Exhausted. Sick like a dog. Just want to end it all.

Feeling A little low today. Don’t know what to do about it. Tomorrow is a new day I guess. Nothing to really report here— some old stuff

AI Photo shows me and my created worlds of Ancient Rome and Greece.

It reads “where words transcend, and three realms are born”

Feeling better as the day moves on but man am I feeling tired and sluggish. This 4:30am wake up time is not for the faint-hearted lol. I wish my partner didn't have to get up so early for work because it severely disrupts my sleeping patterns.