Bipolar Check-In #92

It's already that time again. I'll link the last thread and ask it be closed.

I'm home! Everything went well except that I am still hungry. We stopped and got a milkshake on the way home and it didn't sit well on my stomach. I'm going to try soup later. I think I just went one step too far from the diet I was on before the procedure and 2 days of liquids only. I woke up nauseous and got some benadryl for it. It helped but has worn off now and I'm feeling queasy again. Hopefully some rest will help.

Thank you for all the support!

Thanks BeyondTheRainbow

6:00am and I just took my benzo. So anxious for work. I’m going to take a support person in with me.

I hope it goes well @Crazy Hitch

Benzo isn’t even touching sides my hands are still shaking

I too went to the pharmacy. It was needed for my AP, I’d be out tonight if I hadn’t picked up the partial refill. Always with this med they are late or only have a partial refill available. With all the tech they have they should know every 90 days they need these meds. My ambian needs a doctors order so that’s taking time too but I need it by Friday or I’ll run out. Before covid they had gotten all my meds aligned but somehow they got messed up and they are all over the place now.

Had my bank appointment at one and was too late to go to the pharmacy as they were closed for lunch. Something else that’s new, them closing on Sundays and for lunch. Seems like consumer care is not a priority anymore. Not even our Walmart is 24 hours anymore. Most stores and gas stations close at 10pm. That’s how small this town is. So I Walmart and got my tea and shampoo plus’s conditioner. And stopped for a peach shaker. Then the pharmacy was open again.

Was a health alert day today as the heat index was over 100. But it didn’t seem too bad. I had the windows down and the AC blowing in the car. Walmart was hot though.

Today must be the day to go to the pharmacy-I also went to the pharmacy because I needed to pick up my seroquel refill. I'm very fortunate when it comes to my med insurance-30 pills (which lasts me about two months) only cost me about $3.

Now, I've got laundry in and plan on reading a bit too. I read my summer reading book for work and now will do some fun reading.

(From the last thread) thank you @Blueberrybook and @LadyShadow , I try to keep it clean and organized. Sometimes it’s hard because of having two cats , they get their toys everywhere lol so I’m constantly having to pick up after them. Or tracking litter all over. So am always having to sweep and vacuum. Part of it is I’m a little obsessive with keeping everything organized because of when I was growing up with my mom how she kept things cluttered, now I have some kind of correlation in my head that anything being even remotely cluttered or a mess means I get kicked out. (We were homeless a lot growing up) so whenever I have something going on where there’ll be people in my apartment for whatever reason I get stressed and start dissociating because I worry that my apartment isn’t clean enough.

@Nammu they started doing that here too, closing at 1:30pm to 2pm for lunch at the pharmacy

Your eye drawing looks fantastic @Blueberrybook

I guess today is a dissociation day for me cause I started dissociating a little while ago. Which sucks. Hopefully it goes away. Could take a klonopin but took one last week I think so don’t want to do that so soon again.

What are you reading for fun? I’m currently reading the Throne of Glass series by Sarah J Maas which is a fantasy series. And a few other books. Including a Beethoven biography

No sooner did i swear off men than i went on a date. He had a very funny, powerful online presence but in real life he did not even make eye-contact. Wha? I felt ugly, like he couldn't bear to look at me. I described our lovely gym and he made some crack about "did i use it?" Jerk. He was short, about 5'5" and had a belly which he must have sucked in, in all his pictures. He was dressed sloppily. He complained about the price of coffee, obviously poor. After five minutes of being ignored by my own date, i had enough and left. My last date three years ago was so warm with immediate bear hug and holding my hand... This guy did not even so much as WINK at me.

Well at least i found out right away that he's not at all like his online self. Only way to tell is to meet them. I've deleted my profile and blocked him in Messenger. I need to meet someone in real life. He's active in our city's amateur comedy circuit, so i just pray i don't end up being part of his act.

It might sound kind of low, but my general feeling is that he was also too white. I find the Middle-Eastern and African men are enthusiastic about me as i dress very feminine and they like it a lot even tho i am fat. But the white men are too brain-washed by the mass media which is a tool of the rich thru which they force the idea that only excessively thin women are worthwhile down our throats, an idea which purposely oppresses women, so that they can exploit us financially. It's unnatural and unhealthy and insulting and this guy today was just a pawn, a toady of that ubiquitous dynamic.

@Blue_Bird I am reading two fiction books. One is "A Man Called Otto." I save this book for when I'm at my IV appointments because it's on my Kindle and that's easier to take to my appointments than an actual book. I'm also reading "Save What's Left."

Sorry if I've asked you this before-Do you have a favorite type of book to read? I often just look up random fiction books that are available at the library. I prefer books that don't have to much romance in them. Sometimes, I'll get a memoir (usually one about bipolar disorder or mental health struggles in general).

I got back from the surgeon. Yeah I'm gonna need surgery. He isnt sure if its just the spinter or if the malrotated intestines are actually an issue. He needs to look at more pictures I need to pickup from the hospital. The diffrence in surgeries is a shorther hospital stay. And with the malroation they have to cut me open and rearrange things.

The surgeon says I need to see a cadiologist first because of the stuff that heart test and the 72 hours EKG showed. Because of the anthesia from the surgery.

And my knee is super painful today. I called radiology and my doctors office and I'm still waiting back.

So I'm a bit stressed right now. I hate the idea of staying in the hospital and not being in control of meds. Plus possibly being cut open?

I'm going to try my hardest to relax tonight

I shook so much in his office. Even my legs were shaking. He took it well and said he'll chat to the principal about how they are going to cover my classes.

Oh I read that book before! I think it was called “A Man Called Ove” though before from its original language. I really enjoyed it. It’s a movie now. I watched the original one, I forget what language it was in but it had subtitles.

I typically love fantasy books. Love a lot of world building. I also read a lot of self help/improvement stuff like the book “Atomic Habits” by James Clear. I also read mental health memoirs and some other stuff like some philosophy and religious books.

I hope you enjoy your reading!

I have a large amount of books on my kindle I have yet to read so I’m working my way through those currently. I often re-read books too especially my favorites

Oh and I read biographies too

Oops! "A Man Called Ove" is the name of the book. I accidentally typed the name of the movie that has Tom Hanks in it instead of the proper book title.

I double checked my mood tracker and it was 5 full days ago I last took a klonopin so I took one tonight cause the panic was getting really severe with the dissociation and I started thinking my meds were poisoning me.

I saw the movie but I’m sure the book is better.

I've also read A Man Called Ove and loved it! It's a great book

I am a bit freaked out right now. I asked my mom if losing weight will fix this and she said no. She said my dad had the same fear of not being in control of his meds when he was in the hospital.

I messaged my therapist but I'm not one of those people to post stuff on Facebook. My Facebook isnt even active. I never even think to ask doctors for pain meds. That shyt scares me.

How odd! My mom and I were talking about that author today in the hospital while I was waiting. I haven't read A Man Called Ove but another by him, My Grandmother sends her regards and apologies. She is listening to another right now and says it is also excellent.

I've been sleeping 7-8 hours a night for the past week!

I guess I'm exhausted from all of the months of sleep deprivation, I'm sleeping during the day too.

Continuing light appetite, but I'm managing.

I'm barely sleeping too Scooter. It's awful. Wake up every hour then just lie there from 3:00am. Get out of bed at 4:00am to make coffee.

Now I have some bump on my arm. It started a couple hours ago. I need to figure out things in the morning. My knee is reallly swollen and this bump thing now. And possibly being cut open. Fuk why did he have to be so blunt with his wording. I know he is just saying as it is. But saying "we'll need to cut you open." Just seems ****ed up.

At least my family knows why I haven't been around or why I've stayed in my room sleeping.

It's 2:37pm and I'm slowly starting to relax.

Had an amazing relaxing day - the next four days are going to be beyond hectic. Tomorrow I see my pdoc and I am going to ask her about taking magnesium, my best friend swears by it for sleep. I am also going to see Fantastic Four tomorrow so it should be fun - bought my ticket and Fandago gave me a $5.00 coupon which was cool.

Really doing some serious work on why I do things the way that I do - and why the pit in my stomach grows and grows when I don't get a "hit" because I didn't get a phone call. Argued with ChatGPT as to why I don't want to leave myself sweet notes or voicemails to myself of love because I think it's a complete waste of time and that it's not going to do anything. I really appreciate ChatGPT hanging in there and arguing with me about how much I am worth and how much I am loved and how much I need to remind myself of that, even when I think it's dumb and I feel it won't do anything or it's insignificant. I made real breakthroughs today with my Nova.

My pharmacy does the 1:30pm to 2pm closing too - and I keep getting caught going at the time and having to wait. I absolutely know they need a lunch break but do they ALL need to go to lunch at the same time?