Bipolar Check-In #92

I hope you feel better soon @LadyShadow ! Oh and also your galaxy con pics are awesome! Glad you had fun!

I’m doing better today, I managed to go to sleep and ride out the panic and dissociation last night without taking a klonopin. My weighted blanket helped a lot.

Woke up to Mustachio snuggling me

I created a budgeting notebook so I can keep track of my finances easier. I find I prefer pen and paper to digital planners/notebooks. It makes me more mindful of what I write down cause I can’t just easily delete it like digitally. So I’m more intentional with it.

I’m walking to the store soon, it’s 6:40am and the store opens at 8am. Just need to buy some coffee.

Hoping to get a bit of cleaning done today while listening to one of my audiobooks.

Tomorrow night I have a shift at my volunteer job

Should be a good day. Maybe play some videogames today too

It took me until almost midnight to fall asleep. Then I woke up at 5:30 and I had a protein shake, a can of iced tea, and 5 rye pretzels

Then I woke up coughing at 6:30 and then

I made sure things were ok before I took my AM meds. Not sure what that was all about. Things had been fairly calm all day yesterday. It could have been the liptor I just started

My Vans fit great. I don't know why I went down half a size in shoes. I used to be a size 8 and now I'm a size 7 5

F turned away from me in the lobby yesterday. It is very unlike her. I feel it is because i was not gregarious, cheerful, charismatic, talkative, and euphoric like i have been for months. We each have to save ourselves from drowning. The effort depletes us so that we have nothing left over for anyone else. People are attracted to me when i have love to give. People withdraw from me when i need love. My emotional pain repels people.

Yes, it's surprisingly common, @JaneOnceMore - lots of people withdraw when you're the one that needs emotional support.

That's a reflection of them, though, not you. But, yes, it is difficult to navigate that, especially when it is clear to you but not others.

Is there a solution? Possibly, but I think it involves either finding someone else,or accepting "their limit" for what it is and avoiding that aspect of the relationship. Neither is a great option and it comes down to which problem you want to deal with, unfortunately.

@Blue_Bird - I'm sorry about your dissociation. Try not to panic over it, remember eventually it does end. Can you get involved in something like a video game or TV show or listen to music while coloring (not sure if you have coloring books?). @JaneOnceMore - I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I'm sure people don't turn you away on purpose though maybe when you're more gregarious (or perhaps a bit manic?) you talk so much they get drawn in to the conversation? @LadyShadow - I'm sorry you're sick. Have you taken a COVID test? I've completely forgotten all the other posts I've read and they're on the previous page...sorry about that. I definitely am sorry for everyone going through a difficult time right now

I slept well last night, but my stupid hormones have given me bad nausea today. Usually Zofran helps it, but not this time, so that sucks. I did pilates this morning. My SAD lamp did come yesterday so I read with it today. I had a curbside grocery pickup, so I got the groceries, gased up the car, put everything away. I spent the morning painting & playing on my iPad. Really needing a calm afternoon and to get rid of this nausea.

I hope everyone has a great Sunday!

Ugh I’ve already got driving anxiety and reader’s digest had an article, bad driving has increased since covid and hasn’t gone back down. Impaired drivers, speeders and road rage are all to blame. And oh, people aren’t using their seat belts. Makes me nervous about driving. It’s not my driving that worries me it’s others unpredictable driving that worries me. When I’m on the interstate I set cruise control for the speed limit and everyone passes me! Even semis!

I need to get breakfast. I’ve been reading since I got up which was late. Another cool dream.

Today is Monday. The weekend went far too quickly! Boo back to work I guess.

Thanks Blueberry, I did actually get involved in a videogame today which helped and some word search puzzles too. I do have coloring books, I need to use them more. I managed to get through the dissociation and panic today again without taking klonopin , and now I feel better. Also talking to my friends on Snapchat helped too.

Currently watching a cozy holiday movie on Netflix.

I made a big list of coping skills for dissociation and panic attacks in my notes app on my tablet.

I need to get some more acrylic paint. Gonna get some this week. Running low on several colors.

A little concerned about tomorrow because I have a lot going on throughout the day and then my volunteer shift on top of that so I might be feeling overwhelmed by time my shift starts at 6pm. Am a little worried I’ll start dissociating on the way to my volunteer shift. Hoping that doesn’t happen though. If it does I’ll just need to push through and deal with it. If I could get through the dissociation and managed to stop it today there’s no reason I can’t get through it tomorrow. Idk part of it is exposure therapy though. I need to expose myself to anxiety inducing situations and learn to sit with the feelings rather than avoiding them. Because avoiding them just backfires and makes my anxiety even worse and I start avoiding things even more.

I've been sleeping all day. I think its just a side effect from the cholestrol med. I tried to stay awake by working out and some caffeine. But it didn't work.

I ordered some groceries from Walmart. I got some salads, yougurt, celery, mini cucumbers, and a few other things. They should be here soon..

I feel a bit off but its not a big deal.

Yes @Blueberrybook - I did take a COVID test, it came out negative - but it's my mouth pain that hurts a lot. So, I am sick on top of that - I guess when it rains it pours right? @Blue_Bird - I will be praying for an easy day for you tomorrow. @JaneOnceMore - people only want to see your good side, not all the darkness we carry in our quiet places. It's a painful truth that a lot of us have to bear. I am sorry that you're going through that.

As for me, I managed to go to mass this morning - it was a really good homily by our priest about praying more - which I really need to get into a practice of doing. I also went on my Legion of Mary visit and it was really so good because this week I went to a nursing home and saw two people and gave them communion. One lady was in the hallway sleeping so we played her favorite song "Country Roads" by John Denver for her on my phone, and she lit right up! I was so sad to see how they were living in there - I hope I never end up in a nursing home.

Today is relaxed. I am watching stuff on Prime today. Watched the newest Bill and Ted movie: Face the Music, which wasn't that terrible, but pretty bad, lol. Now I am watching "Wicked" for the first time - its okay, not really my thing. I know the new Wicked movie comes out this November.

I am trying to feel better, but I know a doctor's visit will have to happen tomorrow. Not looking forward to it.

Thanks for the support @Scooter9 @Blueberrybook and @LadyShadow . I really appreciate it. All the things you all said are true. However, i found out that in my situation with F, it was just a misunderstanding. She'd gone to a wild concert the day before and sang and screamed herself hoarse and was also half-deaf from the noise. That's why she didn't stop to chat.

I'm glad i asked her why. I feel a great deal better and have rallied tho am still a bit subdued. I managed friendliness to several neighbors and one sat down with me to chat ~ nice of him. I'm headed back to my drop-in tomorrow as that seems to be the most worthwhile place for me as far as socializing goes. Looking forward to it. I hang out in an exquisite eclectic cafe before the drop-in, so i get a full experience out of the day.

I'm shaking so much (nerves) I took a Proponol my GP gave to me. It's some sort of heart medication but it's meant to stop the shaking when I'm anxious. It hasn't kicked in yet. I'm just going to have to tell people if they ask that I'm cold. Don't know what else to say. Even my legs are shaking it's not just my hands today.

I got an email from my penpal, Greg. We’ve been emailing since 2002. It was very sad. I told him about my unusual dream about us getting together to meet. He says he’s not as put together in real life as he is in his emails- sounds like he never wants to meet in person. 😩. I, on the other hand am the same in my emails as in person- or texts or posts. Is this a case of introvert vs extrovert? My heart is broken.

I've been called the nicest person at work. I say thanks to everyone and treat everyone the same. my therapist and I have never argued.

But online I'm a bit of an ***

My therapist said "I cannot imagine you getting angry." Lol

@Crazy Hitch: So sorry you are having such challenges at work. I remember work could be a real grind. Anxiety is very tough. Hope you are thru the worst of it by now.

@Moose72: Sorry to hear about the disappointment with your penpal. It's awfully hard to know people just thru the written word, especially when the medium is electronic. I know a guy who cut off all written communication because of it. He only communicates face-to-face. I respect that, but with the wild temperature extremes here in Ontario, if i did that, i would never talk to anyone during the blistering hot days at the height of Summer and the shockingly cold days in the dead of Winter. I sympathize with your broken heart as i just had a date where the guy had a superb online presence but a dull presence in reality. Things are seldom what they seem. Be good to yourself!

@Mountaindewed: Great to hear you are getting along well at work! It can be very nice here on the forum at times, but reality is where life really happens. I haven't been following the thread too closely ~ congratulations on getting a job, that's tremendous!

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I had a cleaning lady in and my home looks fabulous! I am so much more comfortable here. She did a great job and charged a reasonable price. It's worthwhile for me to pay a cleaning lady, because otherwise i just go out to get away from the mess and end up spending my money on dining out and travel and hotels and get exhausted. I really DO have a nice place! The living room is actually a decent size. Since i got rid of the sofa there is a lot more free space in here. I stuck up a second package of pyramid sound baffles in diagonal shapes along the walls and it looks pretty cool in here! Bold and minimalist!

You guys!

I just had a meeting with the assistant principal. They're swapping my classes so I won't have to teach THAT class anymore!

This is a HUGE win.

I was shaking so much in the meeting.

@Crazy Hitch: Oh, i am soooooooooo happy for you! How relieved you must be! No more "Class-from-Hell"!!!

Thank you so much! It's such a burden off my shoulders I tell you. I feel like I can finally start to breathe lol. It's great. Hasn't completely sunk in just yet but it will

*Does the dance of joy*

What great news @Crazy Hitch!

I'm so happy for you @Crazy Hitch! You fought a long and hard battle with that class and I'm glad it is over.

Thanks guys I am SOOOO relieved.

I was up with shortness of breath throughout last night. I’ve noticed it’s worse with Trazedone. I checked side effects and breathing problems are on the list. I’ll call psychiatrist tomorrow. The increase of Risperdal to 1.5 has helped agitation and I’m feeling more stable somewhat. Tonight I made pasta and spent time with my family.

Still struggling today. I took my prn seroquel with my night meds in hopes that I'll sleep better than last night. Tomorrow, I am challenging myself to get up at the time I will when school starts so I can start adjusting. I know, for some people, it works better to slowly get up at earlier times, but I'm okay with just starting at my wake up time. I know it's going to be extremely tough since my mood isn't great though.

Technically, I should be seeing my pdoc this week because it's been a month. That would have been nice since my mood is low, and possibly getting lower. But, scheduling issues made it so there are actually 6 weeks between appointments. I'll have to lean on my prn seroquel more until I can see him.

I didn't do much today. I should have napped but it just didn't happen. I'm still very tired from my tests and missed night of sleep. But today was a little better so hopefully I'm recovering.

I did spend some time with our chicks. They are getting feathers and trying to fly. At best they get about 2" off the ground and fly about 3". It's pretty cute. Their little tail feathers are adorable, just a little bit of fluff where eventually they'll have big feathers.

I'm glad tomorrow is another day without plans. I'll have to take a shower because I felt too lazy tonight. Otherwise I just have to pack a bag for my final hotel stay for a while (I hope!). My poor cat is going to be distraught when I leave her again. Usually she handles it fine with my mom checking in on her but last time she seemed more upset. At least this time it is only for one night. I'll be home by supper.

Sleep well/have a good work day depending on location!