Bipolar Check-In #93

Yesterday was my pdoc appointment. She was really happy with how stable I've been the last few months. She actually asked what that feels like because it's a fairly new thing for me. It was a good appointment and the best part is that I'm doing well enough to try to come down or maybe someday off klonopin! I was taking 1.5 mg at 8:30 pm and 1 mg at 11 pm and now it's 1 mg each of those times. Because I didn't take it during the day getting off will be easier because my body is used to my levels going up and down. I'm sure it won't be easy but I'd be so happy if we could control my anxiety just with gabapentin and quetiapine.

The only bad thing was that I got home late after 5.5 hours of driving (round trip, not each way) and so I didn't get to sleep easily and then I had to get up for therapy today. So I'm tired but mostly just happy that things are going well. I have a few months and then it's likely I'll have some depression but if we do what we did last year and start my SAD lamp before I have symptoms and then change my AD dose as soon as I do it might not be too bad. It wasn't last year doing that.

I'm just glad to have hope. That's something I do not ever take for granted. I believe there is always hope but I don't always feel that when my mood is out of control.

Trying really hard to be grateful for things, but I am so upset and I hate everything. I wish I wasn't so damn hideous, fat and ugly. I hate everything about myself,

Possible trigger:

and I just wish I was dead so badly

Went to my Legion of Mary meeting and had to force the tears away. I tried to pray but I kept thinking of how ugly God made me.

Oh @LadyShadow you are SO beautiful! Inside and out. You have fought for everything you have and you keep on fighting. You give so much to others, even when you are struggling.

I know you are afraid of antidepressants. Have you ever used an AP as an AD? When I was maxed out on my AD my pdoc added some seroquel and it worked so well, even at a tiny dose. In fact it was supposed to be temporary but it made such a difference that I've stayed on it for a few years now. When it started working it was the first time I had ever known my head to be quiet. It just took away the bad stuff and the depression.

There is hope. I know it's so hard to see it but there is.

I saw my lab report on my portal tonight. Even .5 risperdal has given me high prolactin level! My friend said I never should stop my psych meds cold turkey so I took a .5 with my 4.5 Vraylar tonight. I was supposed to start risperdal 1 mg tonight but I can’t now. Last year on 1 mg risperdal it put me straight into menopause- everything dry and then they gave me estrogen cream for it which gave me a yeast infection and we tried umpteen antifungal kits over a month! Finally, clotrimasol worked! I do not want a repeat of that!

At my last pdoc appointment, he was thinking about other meds that might be worth trying if I can't shake this depression. I've been thinking a lot about whether or not it'd be worth trying other meds. I have had unbearable side effects to so many meds that I don't know if it's worth the risk. And, if it takes a bit to find a new med combo, what would that do to my symptoms?

I think the first thing I would want to do is once again up my seroquel dose. Upping it from 12.5 mg to 25 mg helped lessen the SI so a higher dose might lessen my depression even more. I might even message my pdoc and ask him if I can try this before my next appointment so then we can discuss the results.

Part of this is situational though so it's hard to know where the med help where end/how much meds can overcome a situationally fueled depressive episode.

I'm just getting my bipolar under control and the fighting here at the building is not helping. Today i socialized in the dog park with the two women who are at odds at different times and it was very stressful. F is asking me for support at a time when i need to focus on myself. If anything *I* need support. I texted her the number for the mental health crisis line. I look forward to not hearing about any more of the drama.

I keep my bipolar secret but i have confided in F. She hasn't ever offered me any support about it or expressed any interest in it. Perhaps that is just the nature of an older woman / younger woman relationship. I certainly don't need anything like that at the moment.

The other woman, "A," was effusive today in a way she hasn't been in the past and i feel somewhat that they are fighting over me. I just don't want to be involved.

In other news, i dressed attractively in my long curly brunette wig and got some attention from an age-appropriate man in the lobby. I was so uneasy tho i fled. I'm not sure i want a partner. I *AM* sure i do NOT want to date, so i guess that's that. If i find a partner, it will be thru my daily living, which means my chances of getting struck by lightning are greater than my chances of finding a partner.

\\

@Mountaindewed
First, my suggestion to help the taste of the prep: A whole box of crystal light. I did lemonade; there may be other flavors without the dyes you can't have. It wasn't GOOD but it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. My hospital says not to mix it with sugary drinks or ice; I've seen those recommended. Use a straw so you don't taste it as much.

I had juice, gatorade, lots of hot tea with plenty of sugar (that was the thing that helped the most), broth, ,green jello and clear gummi bears (which I don't think every place allows).

Other tip, my instructions said to use ointment and baby wipes to decrease soreness. I think diaper cream (A&D ointment) probably is better than vaseline which I used.

The only bad thing is I don't know how long it will take me to try lemonade again. Right now it sounds terrible.

I picked up my new glasses today. They are big and sort of round mixed with square and various colors. Very ‘70s! And I can see a lot better! I looked it up and several eyeglass wear sites stated that ‘70s eyeglasses are in style again. I didn’t know that when I picked the frames. I just liked them!

Jane I know what you mean about staying out of the building drama. The main instigator here is apparently using religion to berate people. It upsets others. Frankly I don’t see why they are on opposite sides because they have more in common than they do differences.

I found this channel on tv today that show road rage,…geez I may never drive again! Certainly I’m never driving or being a pedestrian in Florida!

I’m looking at replacing my tires because one of them is patched. But I talked to someone with the same aged car as me and she said she wasn’t replacing hers anytime soon and she drives much more than I do. So maybe not. Geez to get a decent tire it’s 6-8 hundred plus labor!

I got the $48 of nausea meds. And I just don't feel good. I took something for a headache too i'm watching AGT but I can'r really follow it. Acts I think are good are bad and acts I think are good they arent according to the judges.

I voted for American Idol 15 years ago. But nothing sjnce.

I just don't know what to do. I've taken Tums, tyleniol, a second stomach med, Dramamine.

My family was over for a bit and they asked about the neighbor. My bil said "is that the one thst knocked On Mountaindeweds window,? I think I was pretty out of it that night because I wasn't scared shitless. I was just confused. Yeah I think I'm just talking out my butthole right now

I wonder if flavored iced teas are on the list. Dunkin Donuts can make coconut iced tea with syrups

I know I keep bringing it but what a **** show in 2 weeks. Prep, 3 hour surgery and staying in the hospital

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was up with breathing issues. The pulmonologist doesn’t accept my insurance so I’m getting another referral for a different doctor. In the meantime, my PCP will treat the COPD.

My mood has been extremely anxious and angry due to a family member’s behavior. I can’t control his behavior. It’s been frustrating. Lessons to be learned in acceptance.

As long as they syrups are clear they should be ok. I've never had it so I have no idea. Coffee is ok without creamer I think. Since I don't drink coffee I don't really know that one.

The worst part of surgery is waiting for it. The dr who did my hysterectomy specialized in something really specific and booked way out. I had 3-4 months to think about it and it was hard. I spent a lot of time that summer pacing around the teeny town I lived in just to burn energy from nerves. I also had to wait quite a while for my gallbladder surgery and that one was hard because I was so sick and nothing but removing the gallbladder was going to change that.

Don't forget that anxiety can cause upset stomach for anyone....

I was called the nicest person at work and when I was in treatment in 2010 a kid got upset and said "Mountaindeweds the only one who is nice to me" and I hate checking the fast food bags in front of the employees.

I don't know why I can be an *** online. My therapist said she cant imagine me getting mad. Lol.

I also said hello to the jaintor in the psych hospital in 2015 because he looked sad. I never get annoyed when getting bloodwork and they are having trouble.

Idk. I'm just not a **** in real life

@Mountaindewed is it easier because of the anonymity? I can see feeling safer to express things when nobody knows who you are.

Yeah probably. Although if my therapist came on here she would recgonize me. And I have said some not nice things about her so I'd be in trouble

Jesus Maey Joseph am I tired as fuk right now

Thanks so much @BeyondtheRainbow - I will definitely think about Seroquel again - it didn't help at all as far as weight gain goes, and if I gain anymore weight, I really think I will lose it, but these lows I experience are really excruciating. After all I have been through, and all I achieved, I can't understand why I continue to put myself through this.

Tonight turned out better than I thought - a good friend suggested a DJ Oldies website that sell retro games and I treated myself to a vintage Playstation 2 that I was thinking of buying myself for Christmas. I am always penny pinching, and just trying to survive that I never think of buying myself something nice that I would enjoy. I have a ton of games for the PS2 too - mine was stolen when I wa livng with my husband in Greenville. It's a nice treat to give myself.

I hear what you guys are talking about with bulding drama. I think one of my neightbors was having a party today, one of their guests parked in a parking spot that they weren't supposed to, and i would have lost my cool if they parked in mine. Just the little things could be annoying, other than that I don't really talk to any of my neighbors.

Thanks @Nammu and @LadyShadow for the support re building drama. It really is intense living on top of one another and my building has 30 floors and 220 homes. Again, tho, as i found with breaking up with my one close neighbor of 12 years ("L"), it's actually a relief and less work to withdraw from someone than it is to maintain contact. I feel very liberated from L and i'm sure if i withdraw from the dog park and toilet my dog on the lawn and sit with her on an isolated garden bench i will find that liberating too. I've texted F that i don't want to be involved so she's on notice not to talk to me about the nonsense also.

Just feeling sad about all the changes i've made to my home recently. After twenty years i've finally accepted that my little home the size of a phone booth is just not big enough to have guests, not even one guest. Even with one other person in here i start to feel claustrophobic very quickly.

I've gotten rid of a sofa with chaise lounge, an overstuffed accent chair, and a coffee table. I have one comfy rocker. In perhaps the saddest and most telling decision of my life, i got rid of my double bed and replaced it with a single rollaway cot with not even room for my dog to sleep with me. She sleeps on a blankie on the floor.

My behavior socially demonstrates indecision regarding finding a partner but my behavior regarding the set-up of my home clearly shows that i have lost all hope. Actually my decision to buy a 450 square foot home twenty years ago demonstrated my commitment to living single. All this time, fooling around with escapades in dating, wretched misadventures in online dating, all this time, at some level i am not in contact with, my decision was made.

Great day at work with no students. Got to finish marking all my papers. A breeze. Then I cooked pizza. I’m so full I could roll out my bed bang onto the floor lol.

@LadyShadow FWIW the low dose of Seroquel I'm taking hasn't made me gain any weight. I'm just on 75 mg. In the past I was on up to 1500 mg and I did gain weight then before it quit working and I went on clozaril. That one really has made weight control difficult. But it's worth it to feel better.

I'm glad you are doing some things for yourself. You do a lot for others and deserve to treat yourself.

Good morning. Didn’t sleep well. Got 5 hours of really poor quality sleep. My cats decided 2am was the perfect time to make a bunch of noise and crash into stuff.

Today’s day 3 of the watercolor class, looking forward to it

Other than that plan on getting on the treadmill and also cleaning my apartment some. That’s about it for today, gonna try to get some reading in if I can.

I’m tired as hell right now. But also too wired to go back to sleep.

It’s raining and is gonna be raining all day today. I like this kind of weather.

Looking forward to my Bible study with @LadyShadow tomorrow

Doing really well on the Lamictal, seems to work a lot better than trileptal.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I’m glad you were able to get another PlayStation 2 @LadyShadow ! That’s awesome. I know that was important to you so I’m glad you were able to get another one. I hope you have fun playing all your favorite games! I used to love my PS2. I got one for Christmas when I was like 11 or 12 years old and it was my favorite thing. So much fun, I miss mine as well. But now I mostly use my Nintendo switch. Though I’m thinking about replacing the Xbox my cat broke earlier this year. Games are so much fun and a good escape

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sometimes I just, I don't know, wonder how I would be if I wasn't taking all these meds. Like, would my personality be different? Would I be more inspired? More creative? Less tired? I asked my husband and he simply said I'd be locked up. I was like, jeez, thanks. Lol.

To clarify, I'm not going off any of my meds... it's just... Sometimes I wonder. Do I really need all of them? What would I be like without them? Would I be the real me? Is the me I am now somehow a false me?

Does anyone else ever wonder this?

@LadyShadow

I take 400mg of seroquel. Not gonna lie, it's made made me gain weight, but I feel so much better on it I don't want to go off it!

I often felt that way for a long time. But the last time I went off I was a mess. I spent over a year mostly in bed, only going out to get food and litter for my cat. I was very paranoid and would only leave at 2 am when it was safe! I never collected my mail in all that time. The post office stopped delivering to me and just collected at the post office. I ended up going to a psych emergency place. The pdoc there was wonderful and he started me on the meds that I still to this day take. I’m finally stable and though there’s times I think of going off and even times I think of moving. It’s just a fleeting thought. My meds keep me sane.