if you know me then you either hate me or you love me. i can be obnoxious and annoying. i push people away, and i isolate myself. i bottle up my feelings and i guard my self against anyone who might intrude on me.

but im lost and im alone and im worried that i am punishing myself too much. worried that insanity will take over completely.

the time periods of feeling normal become shorter and shorter.... i am afraid i dont know who i am anymore. once the cycle is over i am back at the beginning... so far away from the world as i saw it only a week before.....

i feel as though i am getting sucked into a fog which is my mind.and i fear i may become stuck and unable to escape my self made prison.

[Malady156]

I don't know you yet, but I'd like to.

It is part of the nature of the cycle to make you feel sucked out farther, deeper, worser. But it will actually only carry you so far ... and the day will come (if it goes untreated) when that, not this, will be what upsets and irritates you the most about it.

You don't need to wait to see that day. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself right now. Take your Depakote and check in with your doc. Go to the psychiatrist (pdoc) that he recommended you see because you need a pdoc to monitor and manage your meds with you. If you've been on that dosage for a couple weeks and it's not working, tell them. Tell them it's not working and you need to up the level. You mentioned you just started. Wow, I was a mess those first two weeks myself, so hang in there. It WILL get better ... and take care of yourself. Do what's right to help yourself get well. Let getting well be your mantra, your focus, your goal. Every moment you savor, every moment you cherish, every moment that seems right and good to you, tell yourself your goal is to get well because you want to live for those moments and for being 100% present in them.

Bipolar is a highly treatable disorder so long as we keep taking our meds and working with our pdocs (and tdocs if you have one). Let that knowledge light your way to hope and a future.

thanks.... actually i have NOT started the depakote yet. it was prescribed to me but i dont take it. i just got the prescription on monday. (i had all the blood tests done cuz i was in denial and wanted to find some other reason for my moods.)
but i have other meds that totally mess me up, i only take them cuz i get desperate. i have serax, propranolol, zoloft, xanax, and temazepam.... lol. and im worried about my liver?! but i take the zoloft when i get too depressed, and it throws me straight into rapid cycling, and then i take the temazepam to sleep each nite, the propranolol when i get hostile and aggressive, and xanax or serax when i am too manicky. crazy isnt it?
its like , the answer is right in front of me! i have the depakote prescribed by an MD who has expertise in bipolar disorder.... why dont i take it? maybe there is a part of me that does not want to be well. maybe i dont feel i deserve to be happy.

i guess im just venting to the world. i dont have any one real to talk to so i will talk to my computer screen with this post.....
it was a up day. i dont know what to think of it all. except that im tired of it. ......just exhausted, sleep deprived and in a wierd state right now. thought i was hypomanic today, well i was, maybe mixed?! but now im tired and only ate one meal today so im out of it. not really depressed, just wondering if it all has to continue. and it does. im here... there isnt a way out. cuz there are things that i cannot resort to if the desperation gets bad. it took such an enormous amount of energy to pretend to be normal today. i had dinner with family so there was a need to act sane. unfortunately i starting talking about something and my little brother asked me if i was in my right mind. im so afraid he noticed i am losing it. i can not ever let that happen again so i decided not to see them until the next holiday. i tried to play it off like the story i was telling was a joke, but it was so hard to fake it today. and now im so drained from that. and everytime i open my mouth to speak something really ridiculous comes out. my mind is not previewing it before i speak, so i decided not to talk to anyone when i feel like this. it sucks. and i dont know what to do. i know if there werent people in this world who needed me, then i would be done with it.

[heartbroken]

cottoncandylocks,
I was wondering if I may ask you some questions about what you go through and what it makes you feel like? I am wondering b/c I believe my husband is suffering from bipolar and he is in the denial stage, well I am the only that has been close enough to him to notice all of this. He doesnt have any friends that are close and tells me that all of my friends were never really his. Also, the only time he does talk w/ one friend that he's had for a long time seems to be when he hits his "high" day. I was just wondering if you didnt mind sharing with me what it is like for you, when you are at the higher times and the low. I totally respect you and I have been reading your inputs on this site and I was just wondering if it wouldnt bother you to share some of your experiences. If it bothers you, I completely understand, but know that as I read your inputs, I feel for you and although I don't understand what you are going through, only you do, I would like to, with your help, understand this all......

heartbroken

i hope my posts can help other people understand the bipolar struggle... that is good. it means something positive can come out of all this turmoil.

i am also kinda still in the denial stage. i dont even know where to begin to describe this to you. if you read my posts here then you may get an idea of what i go through.
im glad he has you to be there for him and take the time to get better informed about the condition. i know it must be a comfort for him to have someone there to trust, once he comes out of denial. (i live mine in secret, other than the readers of these posts, there is no one who knows my agony)

i am not crazy, im only a painter without a canvas!

i went to knotts today. (if you dont live in cali, then i'll tell you, its an amusement park) i had so much fun on the rides. it wasnt even scary! it was an outlet for all my energy in this hypomanic state.
i spent more money than i should have in the arcade but i was so focused on the game that i had to keep putting the quarters in. it was great to be able to stand still and still have an outlet for all of it.
and i didnt waste time walking to each ride so i ran. i stayed there for 10 hours, running around, riding fast rollercoasters, and it was great.
so i realized how much this was helping, all the things i was doing. most of the time when i would get manic, i would have to hide it, and i had to bottle it up, it still showed but it was repressed,and it was torture!
having a way to release it makes me feel so much better. like an OCD person who has to perform certain routine acts to feel better...i feel so good right now. i havent felt this good in a very long time.
too bad i cant do that all the time when im in this type of state. i know that i have to abide by the social standards, and i have to keep up the fassad.... it is torture to keep up the image!
i took serax today(a bezodiazepine similar to valium in case you didnt know). it didnt calm me down completely. i guess im beyond the point of the pill being able to work, like too manicky for it to effect me. it took the aggression away though. i was so pissed before i took it. some chick was rude and i wanted so bad to kick her ***! and i was super impatient. i took the serax and after it kicked in, chicks didnt bug me anymore. i realize now that it is not their actions that piss me off, it is my perception.
i know i should be tired but im not./ i feel like i could stay up all nite and write.

[heartbroken]

I would hope that it would be a comfort to my H, but I have no idea since he slapped me w/ divorce papers on Friday and said he wanted out.

Why I'm trying to get information about all of this? I guess I am trying to understand it for me, although he isnt ready for that, he too is in denial. I guess I feel better if I understand what he is going through since he is unwilling to share with me. And most importantly, I think it is helping me to move on, understand that our marriage ended b/c of this and not b/c of all that hateful things he said to me or the fact that in his eyes, he wish we would have waited to get married b/c then he wouldnt have married me. Wonderful isnt it. But I think learning all of this allows my self esteem to heal, for my heart to heal and be able to move on b/c not only did he shut me out but his family as well and so I'll give him what he wants, the divorce, and move on with my life.

But one day, he'll know that I cared and tried to help....But I thank you for sharing yesterday and everyday b/c I have gained so much insight and will continue to gain insight through your experiences as well as others. So you are much appreciated for this....keep fighting this and realize that you aren't alone in this world and I hope one day that you can face this willingly b/c you deserve all your heart desires.

i have broken some hearts too in this. sometimes i care, sometimes i dont.

[nothemama8]

hearts have not been broken, just a few shins, keep on posting we need you here and want you
Angie

why do i get into a mixed state at the beginning and end of each hypomanic cycle? i am very troubled right now.
so hard to keep my grip. i dont know what to do. just want to cut the pain away.

took my depakote. feeling much better.

[niccpa]

Hi heartbroken. I went through the same thing with my ex-fiance last month. He's a veteran who's bipolar, clinically depressed, and has PTSD. I tried to stick it out with him however I reached my limit when he tried to put his illnesses on me. He said and did hurtful things to me. His mother was and is enabling his negative behavior. His father is bipolar and was the only one cordial to me when my fiance was really negative towards to me. I loved him and didnt care what illnesses he had however when it got to the extreme and started to affect my mental well-being and he was down right nasty - that was it. Yes it hurts and it will take time to heal. I came here for help and to understand what was going on, and got it and the support. I even went to a therapist because I was at my wit's end. The people here and my therapist helped me thru it. Stay strong and keep visiting here because there are great people here who will support you and give you great insight. My prayers are with you.