[BrokenNBeautiful]

TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER

talk of suicide (safe now!)




My therapist blocked me without any explanation, after I saw her for a year.

She said she treated bpd's, so I was able to open up to her.

but I am pretty sure I made her uncomfortable.

As a bpd, I have had numerous experiences of ppl being uncomfortable with me and not having the nerve or the patience or the words to tell me, so they avoid me. Good, gentle-hearted ppl, too and I never feel worthy of them anyway.

Now if a therapist can't deal with me or even tell me, I really feel like my abandonment issues are put to the test.

I am safe now and still alive, but the other night I was in pretty bad shape. i felt like no one could ever deal with me. I wanted to die.

My self-preservation and my friend Ani (who found me sobbing on the beach that night) save my life that night.

You can read about the details of what happened to me in "Psychotherapy", if you want.

I recommend that only other bpd's read/reply to this thread.

ty,

Billi

[CindyLuWho]

I'm glad you're doing OK now. Remember, we tend to have low self-esteem and assume that when someone isn't there, it is about us personally. Perhaps she has something else going on that you are not aware of. Don't assume its personal. Remember that you are valued and cared for!

[paddym22]

Billi

I know what you mean, been there many times, rejection as it appears to me really hurts. Here is a little something a friend of mine believes in and it is helping me at the moment.......

Great things come to those who know what they want and have the patience to understand that the world might not be ready just yet!
Stop searching for peace and happiness, it's already there, inside of you, just waiting for you to discover it anew!

Keep on believing in yourself Billi, I know how overwhelming and lonely this illness gets, it really does for me, and sometimes it just seems that nobody experiences the mental anguish and torture that I am going through.

But with each day it gets better, it really does. I have been able to let go recently of the negative emotions, not by battling it out, but just letting them go and moving on to something more stable and positive.

Maybe it is just that your relationship with this therapist has run its course and you need to look else where. If this is the end result of a years work, it reflects just as much on the therapist as it does on you. Your relationship with your T, while important and necessary, is not the reason to keep living. It is my relationship with myself that is the most important and I have found through good therapy that it is my own personal self image of myself that needs to be healed first.

My last therapy session my T, at the end of the session said, you are quite stable now, you are so much less borderline than you were a year ago. So I guess it does get better over time.

Keep posting here, that is important, and seek out quiet time for yourself and stop beating yourself up over things. You have as much right to be around and about as anyone else.

Take good care and keep safe

Paddy

[ECHOES]

One therapist is not all therapists.
Your experience with this one therapist is just that; what you experienced with that one therapist.

You are hurting now, and that's understandable.
It sounds like you would like to be in therapy again, and that is understandable too. It's so helpful. Maybe when you are feeling better and feel the time is right, you might consider interviewing a couple of therapists to see how it goes. Let them know what happened with this therapist because it is very important and it may affect your being able to trust. There is a therapist out there who can help. It wasn't the last one, but it could be the next one.

[shezbut]

(((billi)))

I can understand your feelings of rejection and super low self-esteem. I would be hurt too. You were brave and hopeful by opening up such intimate thoughts and feelings to the T. I haven't read your link in Psychotherapy yet.

I hope that you simply mis-read your T's words or facial expression/s. I hope that it was just a big misunderstanding, and your T was sure to communicate more clearly with you. And that their words made you feel better. Safer. More hopeful again. I do hope for you!

That said, I have seen many, many different doctors and T's. Some were/are a perfect fit ~ others don't fit real well. Those who aren't a perfect fit can still be my doc, but my expectations and hopes drop considerably. Keeping a perfect fit with my main doc and T are absolutely necessary though. If you do not have a perfect fit with this T, please do look for another. Btw, you may want to mention it to you T, be open, and get them to refer you to a better fit!

Best wishes!

[Michah]

Billi,

Big hugs to you dear sweet one......I am glad that you are safe, and would like for you to stay that way......safety first, babe

I stick to the general theme of what others have said......you only need ONE good T. For whatever reasons that this T has ceased sessions, it does NOT reflect on you. Maybe this T felt that they could not help you, and so did the professional thing of ending the sessions.......you would not want a T that only treated you half way. You want a T who is as interested in your recovery as you are. This might sound terribly contrite, but when one door closes, another opens......always. If a T is going to shy away from the more confrontational aspects of BPD, then you don't want them treating you. It is counterproductive.

I was very fortunate to have a state provided T in my early years, who had the choice of taking me on as a patient when in hospital. She saw me at my absolute worst. No-one else wanted to come near me. I still made life absolute hell for her, but she persevered because she BELIEVED she could help me, and she did. After 7 years she saved my life. I have also had my fair share of shrinks since who wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole....

And I say to them......"Your loss buddy!!!!"...

All things come and go and wax and wane......KNOW that this is not abandonment dear one, this is REBIRTH.....the beginning of something different, better.....out with the old and in with the new.

Take good care of your precious self,

Michah

[BrokenNBeautiful]

ty everyone.

I will remember these words---esp. if it gets bad again.

See 'dental work' under Health and "psychotherapy" too for more info.

Life is so scary and h*llish for me right now.

I am making an effort to put it right.

Going to see a new dentist.

Also going to keep processing what happened with B., my t.

I don't think I will re-hire her.

I forgive her not being able to help me.

God bless her.

But she ran over me with a ten-ton truck and i will never trust her again.

I must still keep my belief though that there is still good in the world.

For me, not just non's.

Ty again,

Billi

[Tatyana2009]

Hi, why do you want only BPD to answer?

Do you think everyone else who is not BPD wont understand? or do you want to punish her through us?

I feel your pain. And I think she owes you an explanation. Did you try to get it?

Please stay safe and remember - bad feelings pass...

[tryingtobeme]

((((((((((Billi)))))))))) I am sorry your T has done this to you. There should have been some discussion about ending therapy. It's not very good for the paitent to just be left out of coming back to that T. It can do a great deal of damage to some people.

One person asked why you would only want BPD'ers to answer this. I can understand this since a lot of people that don't have BPD don't understand what we go through. However, some of those people still may have some good words of wisdom. That is just my thought on it. You have a right to say what you want though and what you believe to be good for you. I can appreciate that.

It is very hard for us and other people around us to get comfortable with us. I too have experienced this. I agree that maybe your work is just done with this T. personally I wouldn't want to go back if I felt my T did something like this to me, blantly just stopped.

Please take care of yourself Billi. Feel free to PM anytime about anything. Take Care.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Please, don't anyone think I am punishing anyone. OMG!

Tatyana, don't take it personally!

I felt more comfortable having bpd's answering me.

that's my PERSONAL need right now!

So please if you ca'nt deal with this, DON"T ANSWER THIS POST.

ty,

thanks for those who DID understand.

update: I did follow up with B. and she did NOT acknowledge what she did at all. Another counselor had talked to her and she just won't walk in my moccassins.

So I am definitely not hiring her again!

I am looking for someone else.

Again, I have the RIGHT to speak my mind and ask for what i need.

Okay?

thank you,

Stop thinking I am bad because of my own needs!

Billi

[Tatyana2009]

I respect your need. And wont take it personally or go any further. I hope you will get what you need.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

I respect your need. And wont take it personally or go any further. I hope you will get what you need.

I'm cool now.

ty,

Billi

[phoenixangel]

I really understand what you are going through. I was receiving help through a community support team for over 2 years, they got a new QP and she insisted that they couldn't help me anymore and to find a new mental health provider. If the people who are suppose to know that we always think that we are left behind and abandoned are giving up on us then why are they suprised when we want to give up on ourselves? I am sooo mad at this women and would like to rip her face off, but at the same time they didn't seem to make any improvements in my thinking either, so what was the point? Maybe I am unhelpable. My point is we are the way we are....And I use the word WE. You are not alone

[BrokenNBeautiful]

ty everyone again.

I will post an update in a moment on a new thread.

Billi

[rasalyen]

I am glad I have found this forum. I really didn't know that there was online help/like minded people out there that I could talk to. I'm having a really bad week. I've never meet anyone with my diagnosis and it is nice to have at least people online that have BPD as well to relate to and chat with. I sometimes feel that all the therapy in the world will never help in the end. I have been in therapy so long and I know that I am better now than I was 10 years ago but it doesn't take away from the fact that things are still broken. I'm still broken and its hard to feel that things will ever feel right. I have been seeing the same therapist for six years and now she retired. And I've been handed over to someone else. I'm sure it will be ok but its hard to know that I have to get to know someone new and they have to get to know me, I feel annoyed by this. I use to self harm by cutting my arms and haven't cut for a year now. But I had a dream the other night that I did cut and it felt strange when I woke up and I wanted to start again. I haven't because I work one day a week and don't want to wear long sleeves for months at a time but I still would love to cut and feel that relief and calm that I get from it. Just fustrated.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

ty for sharing and welcome.

I feel many times that others simply can't reach me; I am so locked up tight in my head.

Been in therapy off and on since age five and i am still not better; probably cause either I sabotage (because of not trusting) or ppl give up on me.

It's a vicious cycle.

Billi

[rasalyen]

Thats how I feel. I feel like I can never make a proper connection with a therapist and it feels like therapy is a waste of time sometimes cause I feel like I'm never going to feel completely better and theres no "miracle cure". I may feel normal for a few days and then its back to feeling so disconnected with everyone including myself. I tend to isolate myself now because when I'm with friends, family and other people in general I notice how different I am from everyone and people start to notice how different I am from them because of my mental illness and trying to explain my moods and how I feel is like running around in circles. Some people try and just sit and listen and say " a huh a huh" but the look in there face says everything. And I feel embarrassed even talking about it withothers because it exposes my weakness and I don't like how people make prejudgements about my mood and it just makes life uncomfortable. I get so fustrated and don't want to be around anyone anymore. I have three cats and they love me unconditionally and now more than ever I feel like my three fury kids are the only ones I can trust to love me just how I am.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

ty rasalyen.

Yes, I know how it is---ppl tolerate me, but I can sense their discomfort since I was born.

Always reminds me of dealing with my mother, who continually said to me, "Billi, you are so smart; why are you like this? I don't understand..."

Yuck.

B.

[littlematchstick]

I can relate to a lot of what people are saying on this thread. I have never been *shut out* of therapy. But before I was diagnosed I knew that a lot of people didn't understand me. And I didn't understand myself. No one could figure out why I was so crazy. And people thought I did things for attention (which in a round about way--I did). But they thought I was FAKING it for attention--which wasn't the case. I have lost about 95% percent of my friends because of this illness cause people get tired of me. They can't deal with my *drama*. My mom can't handle me most of the time, she just yells at me. The one or 2 friends I do have now..I only talk to maybe once a week because I know they can't handle me and I don't want to put myself too much into their life cause I know I will eventually drive them away. But in reality all I want is for someoen to be there when I need them, I just happen to need someone ALL the time..which is not realistic for anyone to be able to do. It's just frustrating.

As for your therapist--I can't give an explanation why they discontinued with you. But I know I have a hard time trusting my therapist because I always feel like they think Im faking or exaggerating things. Or I end up just acting *normal* around them because I feel like I'm wasting their time and then they think I'm fine and I just eventually leave therapy because I'm frustrated.

I'm currently in my 3rd try of therapy...maybe this time I will make it longer then 6 months.

It's hard..if anyone needs an ear..I'm willing to listen please p.m. I'm lonely too and could use the company and conversation!

[BrokenNBeautiful]

ty for your latest responses.

I am very afraid of re-entering therapy now.

I have an appt. with someone now on Monday, but I am seriously thinking about canceling.

I only made it so I can see th eir psychiatrist. I need the psdoc for meds for sleep.

I want to tell them I would to just see the psdoc.

I don t' feel comfortable baring my soul to anyone pro now and fear that this new lady will tire of me too. (she's face to face, not online).

B.

[bipolarbearV]

Oh Billi, My heart goes out to you! Abandonment seems to be a major issue for BPDers. I would get another T, ASAP to deal with the pain from the old T. Then start from the beginning and possibly work up to DBT therapy for BDPers. It's common now, it WORKS and is EASY, just don't get bogged down by the jargon or terminology. If your T keeps using the jargon, keep asking for the info in English, or for you, or for a non-professional. If your T won't make it simple for you them I would go get another T. And I am a college graduate and I had trouble with the jargon but don't let that scare you. DBT just lets your emotional mind intersect with your logical mind to form a new mindset of the WISE mind. It is such natural a way of thinking.
Good luck. Do things to help your pain. Do anything that makes you feel good. And then go find another T and ask how much experience they have BPD and/or DBT. Good Luck.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

ty but I am not going to keep banging my head against a wall till I'm bloody.

I have a self-help site for dbt that I am using now, as well as a book on Rational Emotive Therapy.

Sorry, but I am tired of it.

ty.

I will post what happened most recently on my next post.

I tried one last time Monday and got hurt AGAIN!

Billi

[dance59326]

Billi, my old therapist forwarded me to anoter therapist and I got pusehed from therapist to therapist, it was really hard at first, but my therapist who I have now is really great, she is a Dialectical Behavioral Therapist (DBT). This therapy is aimed at treating BPD mainly and manages BPD and it's symptoms. I highly suggest that you try this. I have been very inspired and am now going to be going to college for social work. I have just begun a DBT blog site which is an interactive one. You can request topics and I post pages on the topics, it's interactive which means that when you post a comment, I will post back using strength-based talk. I use it 2-3X a day. I will be doing an internship in the Spring at a psychiatric residntial treatment facility and am very happy that I am moving on. I used to be extremely vulnerable, but am now moving past things and am pushing forward. Trust me, you can do this. Please keep in touch, I will help you with whatever you need and you can PM me anytime.
~ dance59326

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by dance59326

(DBT). This therapy is aimed at treating BPD mainly and manages BPD and it's symptoms. I highly suggest that you try this. ~ dance59326

I am trying DBT!

Please try to look at my other posts on here and you will see that I am working very hard to do self-help.

I can't afford formal DBT therapy and my county says I don't qualify.

ty and please do not answer any more of my posts unless you can identify with me, rather than telling me something I already know!

Sorry to be harsh.

I am just so tired of this people telling me to try things that don't work anymore.

Okay?

This goes for anybody else who wnats to help.

If you can identify with my struggles and/or appreciate what I AM trying to do, you may reply.

Thank you,

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

btw, I do appreciate your honesty, ppl.

Just being honest as well.

I am extremely frustrated right now.

Can't really think too diplomatically right now.

Sorry,

Billi