but i'm afraid your best wasn't good enough.. (triggering crap that doesn't matter)

What happens if I don't go back? How long until they lock me away for good?

I tried so hard. So f***ing hard. But I have no one to blame but myself.

There is no win. Not in this.

More and more losing control. Losing reality.

It doesn't matter though because it's my fault. That's what she said today isn't it?

Everyone looks like someone. Everything reminds me of the past. I can't escape them.

Why did you leave me here picking up the pieces? Why couldn't you stay? Am I really such a horrible daughter? Maybe if I'd just tried harder. Been better. Then would you have stayed?

Old habits don't die.

one second you're in the foot court eating lunch and the next you've locked yourself in the bathrooms trying to make it go away. it's been so long since i've done that. but it's okay it's not a relapse because i was never diagnosed because i'm too fat.

Why are we talking about her? She's gone now. Stop sounding like her.

That line. The line between then and now. The line between sanity and insanity. Where is it?

I think yesterday was my last day there. I don't want to go back.

withdrawing again. i should be at the centre now. i should be doing my assignment and preparing for my exam..

can i just quit? quit everything?

I read your post.

I hear your pain.

Billi

thank you

You do matter. Soup

Wow QuietOne. I can almost feel the intensity of your pain from reading your post. I am so sorry you feel this way. You are not alone. The road to recovery is a bumpy one, but it is one worth traveling. You do have a destination. You do have a future. Though it may not seem like it now, your future is worth going down that bumpy road of healing and recovery. Sometimes we can go that road at 60 miles per hour, but other times, it seems we are laying in the middle of it, crawling on our belly, too weak to even stand, inching up that road, hoping someone else does not run over us.

It is in the vulnerable and difficult times that our courage is made even stronger. We have to find a way to continue down that road. And yes, sometimes we just can't move anymore and just roll off into the ditch. it happens. But even from the ditch, we can still see the road and when we have rested enough and when the muddy ditch does not seem so appealing, we can get right back on that road and keep going toward our healing.

Keep going QuietOne. Not all of the road is so hard.

I'm so sorry for your pain, but you're NOT alone. Your story reminded me SO much of my own. With my own mom who probably has BPD as well. The drinking, the long letters she'd write me EVERYDAY telling me how horrible I was and that I was abandoning her, the way she treated me when she didn't come first. She would completely ignore me for a week at a time. She would look through me as though I wasn't there....and I wonder now why abandonment and clinging to people is so centralized in my being, and how she got on my case for talking to people about it..."Don't ever tell ANYONE our personal problems". I am also quiet...can't even talk to my husband.
You are NOT alone... We'll make it through this together.

Thanks. Hugs. I hope you guys are going okay.

pdoc and t are happy to keep seeing me after I finish the DBT program even though must people stop seeing their therapists. And I thought the rules where you had to stop. So that's good, I guess?

Saw pdoc today I went in there cuz I needed a med cert. but something happened, she asked questions and I told her things I've never told ANYONE before, things about dad. It felt okay though. It felt safe. She asked about meds again. I think meds would help. I think I should try. But my family. I'm terrified to even bring up the idea and if I didn't tell them and they found out, I don't even want to think about that. Everyone says its my choice, do what's best for me but they are not me they have no idea how scared of my families reaction to this I am.

Today everyone kept staring at me. I hate it. I guess at least today I know why. I have a holter ECG monitor thing on from the cardiologist again. I look like I've escaped from hospital. I hate it. They probably won't find anything anyway. And if they do it'll be because of ODs or something I did.

I'm isolating myself. I know it's a warning sign. But it's safe.

I'm obsessing over my weight and food and exercise again. I should try stabilize things but seeing the number drop is making it so hard. Plus I'm fat so I don't feel right telling anyone just how obsessed I am getting because they'll be happy I'm losing weight.

I just want to run away.

There's so much work for TAFE I have to do but I can't. I can't focus. I really just want to quit.

When will l this end?

I have DBT group tomorrow. I really don't want to go. There's new therapists running it. And there's one girl who I hate. She's being horrible. She went into detail about how her and a friend saw a lady alone at the cinema and how they mocked her and laughed at her and how she tried to sympathize with the lady but couldn't. Since I moved I don't really know anyone and so I had been going by myself even though I was uncomfortable I was getting better. But now I can't. Not after what she said. Even though there was something I really wanted to see. And last week she kept talking about how she'd overdosed on her medication so she couldn't concentrate and then she just started balling her eyes out while I was talking. The whole rest of the group was the therapists talking about her issues. I get the group is to support people and stuff but it's mainly to learn skills. She should have spoken to her individual therapist if she was that upset. And also going on about how you've ODed is against the rules of the group. And I know if I even hinted I'd ODed I would have been made to leave group and go to ED to get assessed physically and mentally. So maybe cuz I have a history of ODing at places like school and stuff they'd react differently but even if she didn't have to go to ED, I still don't think she should have been aloud to sit there and talk about it so much. It triggered me to almost OD after not for ages.

I'm just so sick of everything. I just want to run away and hide. Forever.

it doesn't even matter. what would i know.
my eyes are red and blood shot. as long as no one see's it doesn't matter.
i have to get out. tomorrow. just run until i can't.
so out of control with nothing to save me.

phone call with T tomorrow, but i can't be honest because she'll worry and i'm away so she can't do anything. but what do i say? i'm not going to do anything while i'm here i know that. but i almost jumped? things are falling so fast. i need to stop myself but how?

you all keep saying how much better i am. and yes things are better, a lot better. but you aren't inside my head. right now i am not coping. really not coping. it's been a while since i've felt this out of control. yes i've been depressed and unsafe but i've been fairly in control, i've coped okay. but now i am scaring myself. a lot.

for now i'll just medicate myself to sleep.

i know you were wanting support. i tried. but you kept shutting down all my suggestions. and then you were saying how horrible and fat you were and that no one would even want to look at you because you've gained x kgs from meds... do you know i gained 3 times that? so do you know how i feel when you say that? i still can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to throw up. it was almost like you wanted my approval to hurt yourself. you wanted me to reject you so you could say no one ever supports me. i didn't reject you. i kept trying to support you i put myself aside. and you still said it. you still said no one supports you ever. are you ****ing joking? i love you and i want to support you but every time you throw it back in my face. i can't do it anymore.

I wish there was some way to help you, relieve your pain.... Keep posting. Let us offer whatever support and guidance that we can. I'm sure it's not enough but hopefully it's something. Know that we are here for you.

thank you. I really just post to get it off my chest. thank you for reading.

If it helps to post, keep doing it. There's always someone who will listen and respond.

Getting the words/feelings to come off your mind and heart and out to the world is the first step, we have to make that first step every day. Much love to you!

I don't even know what to do. 20 maybe 30 minutes sleep. that's okay just take the pain killers to stop the migraine and go for a run before anyone wakes.

welcome home yeah that sounds amazing and yeah we were great while you were gone. lie lie lie. it's the only way.

I hate this out of control feeling. I need it to stop. just ****ing stop. but really there's nothing I can do. there's no way to escape but I can't stay. trapped. trapped. trapped. trapped.

control is slipping further and further away. I can't do this. I'm meant to be okay. I'm meant to be better. but I'm so out of control. it's too much.

Thank you for putting my feelings into words. I'm a little tied up inside, but you said what I feel. No matter how hard I try or what I do, it just gets wores and people expect me to say it's getting better. I'm sick of the lies.

My heart goes out to you because I've been there. REMEMBER: feelings pass. No feelings are permanent. I suggest making no changes because of deep emotions. Wait until you feel better then talk to a friend or a therapist. God bless.

A, I'm sorry I walked out in tears today. I just can't explain it. I'm sorry you're worried. I'm sorry I didn't reply to your text and I'm sorry I probably won't be able to answer when you call. and I'm sorry I did try and call the helpline but couldn't get through and I just needed to calm down.
I don't know what to do. I know you are trying to help. thank you. I just can't make sense of it right now.

it's coming up to dads anniversary. it's the Monday of the week you're away. I don't know how to deal with it. how to deal with him being gone.
and how to deal with this being my date I promised myself I wouldn't let it keep going after then if it wasn't okay. I'm not planning. but I want to so bad.

you checked if I was seeing S this week and I said yes, what I didn't say is that I'm so close to canceling. this week and the next appt in the week you're away.

I'm so sorry. it's okay. I'll understand if you give up on me.

this went straight to my heart.

Carol

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hope you're pain eases up soon.

Going on a Bear Hunt
Gonna catch a big one
I'm not afraid
What's that up ahead?

Oh no! Tall grass
Can't go over it
Can't go under it
Gotta go through it
Swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish

Oh no! A wide river
Can't go over it
Can't go under it
Gotta go through it
Splish splash, splish splash, splish splash, splish splash

Oh no! Yucky mud
Can't go over it
Can't go under it
Gotta go through it
Squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish

Oh no! A dark forest
Can't go over it
Can't go under it
Gotta go through it
Stumble, trip, stumble, trip, stumble, trip, stumble, trip

Oh no! A dark cave
Can't go over it
Can't go under it
Gotta go through it
Tiptoe, tiptoe, tiptoe, tiptoe, tiptoe, tiptoe, tiptoe, tiptoe

What's that?
Fuzzy fur
Big eyes
Wet nose
Sharp teeth
It's a bear!

the mask is back on. everyone thinks I'm fine. and I don't know how to take it off.

I just don't know. how do I tell people that I'm meant to kill myself next week. that I've been cutting. that I'm living in my head with the voices again.

that I've been lying to everyone. that I'm barely sleeping cuz I can't take my meds.

everything seems so totally pointless. and everyone says I'm never actually going to recover. so what's the point?

everything's so pointless.

as scary as it is in my head with the voices it's safer than the real world. and Else and Jadey are there at night.