i'm so ****ing stupid. should just keep my mouth shut. i'm an idiot, i don't know ****. **** me.

thought i was cool, thought i was fine. not. **** it. screw today.

Originally Posted by DreamAddiction37

i'm so ****ing stupid. should just keep my mouth shut. i'm an idiot, i don't know ****. **** me.

thought i was cool, thought i was fine. not. **** it. screw today.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day...I understand that feeling. I feel I know something and express myself with confidence only to be put in my place. There's nothing worse....

Try to help people and they just get all p1ssy about it.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I went to the doctor yesterday.

He made me wait and wait and wait.

I told the nurse in a civilized voice that I was about to leave and what was taking him so long. An unsmiling, assertive voice. She told me to just wait another moment and he would be there. I said, "Okay a little more, okay?" in a cool voice.

Then he comes in. Finally.

I don't bring up his being slow. I just say hi nice to meet you.

he looks at my eyes.

He is cool. So far I like him.

Then he puts an instrument on my eye; (numbed it first) and I am a little scared. He notices I flinch a little. He gets kind of annoyed that I got anxious. He then askes me why I'm on Medicare; I don't think he realizes that non-seniors can have if they have special disabilities.

I don't want to tell him I have a mental illness. When he asks what my disability is. I ask him, "Why do you need to know?" He goes, "Well, some medications can affect your eyes."

The thought goes thru me that I had already listed my meds and that how can meds have ANYTHING to do with my disability?!

But I don't say that.

I say, "Depression. That's an axis one condition".

He backs off.

I still don't know what to make of his comment about me being "young for Medicare".

And I don't know what to make of his diagnosis that I have "rosecea". That's a skin condition! And nonspecific blepharitis (inflammation of the eyes). I am still doing the saline washes and also self-Reiki.

I don't know if I want to be under his care.

He's pretty much sent me on my way. Not unkindly. But I am scared he has an attitude.

My mentor told me to be mindful, again, of my bpd mind-processes.

Is it my bpd or is it me?

Carol

feeling better. thinking maybe writing in this forum is becoming a trigger? i know reading some things have.

anyway...started on a new jacket. happy about it. my own design. not going to bother with a pattern. too big to worry with that crap. got enough issues dealing with the math on this thing...

work tonight. i need new shoes. going to ask husband if i can get some. haven't bought any for over $10 in a few years. last pair of sneakers i got were free, won them in store-wide contest. hate the damn things, they hurt my feet and make my ankle worse...

shower. leaving when husband gets home so i can get new shoes.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by DreamAddiction37

feeling better. thinking maybe writing in this forum is becoming a trigger? i know reading some things have.

anyway...started on a new jacket. happy about it. my own design. not going to bother with a pattern. too big to worry with that crap. got enough issues dealing with the math on this thing...

work tonight. i need new shoes. going to ask husband if i can get some. haven't bought any for over $10 in a few years. last pair of sneakers i got were free, won them in store-wide contest. hate the damn things, they hurt my feet and make my ankle worse...

Good for you, Dream.

Because of the proximity of your checkin to mine, I hope my post was not a trigger to you.

Anyway, good on you with the shoes. I need some as well.

The jacket, too. Making our own stuff---what a good feeling.

Carol

The Good: I have today off (though I did work 4 hours this morning, I picked up some extra hours). I'm watching the Tigers game on TV... I love the Detroit Tigers whether live or on TV.

The Bad: I can't shake this gnawing worry in my gut. I also can't shake this constant boredom that I always feel. I'm even bored with what I eat; I can't think of anything that I want to eat anymore (that I don't have to spend a ton of money on and is halfway good for me), even though I'm really, really hungry.

I'm pretty much in a constant state of dull depression. This sucks. Still waiting for that win...

[greentires4me]

today I got up and had a shower...

got ready to go out with my sister...

me and my sister tearing it up at the mall...there was line ups everywhere

everything was picked through for clothes my sister was sad she couldn't find what she was looking for.

finally found a swimsuit, shiny shoes, top and pants, and some swim goggles. for her little friend whose turning 4.

it was time well wasted...I bounced some ideas off of my sister about jobs and the deliema that I am in.

still in deliema about the job situation and its not looking pretty...

[greentires4me]

today I got up and had a shower...

got ready to go out with my sister...

me and my sister tearing it up at the mall...there was line ups everywhere

everything was picked through for clothes my sister was sad she couldn't find what she was looking for.

finally found a swimsuit, shiny shoes, top and pants, and some swim goggles. for her little friend whose turning 4.

it was time well wasted...I bounced some ideas off of my sister about jobs and the deliema that I am in.

still in deliema about the job situation and its not looking pretty...

Edit from earlier: Feeling better. Got to watch my Tigers beat the Yankees in what was a great game. YES!! I hate the Yankees (sorry to any Yankee fans). Now just starting Weeds from season 1 on Netflix because I haven't watched it in forever, can't remember any of the series very well at all, and I want to keep watching it. Just kicking back with a beer (ONE light beer) and relaxing. Doing okay.

Just depressed and paranoid so far today. What a relief!

[Britneigh]

I'm meh. I had probably one of the most stressful birthdays ever. First found out I've been driving with a suspended licence since September...that was a ball of fun. That plus what I did have for a licence is expired. So I have no licence, either does the gf. So going to work till this is sorted out will be fun playing dodge the cops till its sorted out!

Then after dinner, im on my way home and I broke the girl I house sit for's car. Apparently I broke the clutch. That one was fun pushing the car half way home in the -3 (Celsius) temps. Started to have a bit of a panic attack and stress vomit, never done that before. Wa comfortably numb yesterday and today...not much feeling what so ever. Car is going to cost $1500 to fix...lovely.

In good news I got a beta fish! His name is Cake. I use to have over 30 males and like 8 females a year ago. But when I moved I had to get rid of them all. So now I just have little cake. He's a happy guy. Blowing a little bubble nest in his tank. Hopefully I don't go crazy impulsive with more fish. We will see.

I'm feeling alright right now. It's early but it's sunny when it was supposed to rain, so that's even better! Pony time today.

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

Good for you, Dream.

Because of the proximity of your checkin to mine, I hope my post was not a trigger to you.

Anyway, good on you with the shoes. I need some as well.

The jacket, too. Making our own stuff---what a good feeling.

Carol

oh, no, nothing you posted was a trigger to me. it was some other stupid stuff but i'm over it all now.



getting ready for church. bought myself a new slimming tank top because of all things that's what my dog wanted to eat last time she was in the house...so feeling pretty and cute and all...

then work at 3. closing again, as always. but had a lot of fun last night at work. got off before 10:30pm yay....

Slept horribly as usual and getting ready for work. Went through the usual bout of depression/loneliness last night. Almost contacted a few people but trying really hard to not appear clingy so I successfully resisted. Can't promise to not make those contacts if it returns tonight.

[vorticella]

I feel like I'm coming back to life
Finally came to terms with my boyfriend again, we're going to give it a shot and try hard so that everything goes back to the happy and peaceful atmosphere we had at the beginning of our relationship.
We're not gonna let our emotions get the best of us!

Feeling super restless today. I just cannot stand this boredom. It permeates every aspect of my life. I'm even bored with what I eat and what I wear. Can't get out of this funk.

[greentires4me]

well today not to happy my good guy friend lied to his staff when they got back to the house didn;t come back until 8:30am this morning....I cannot believe he is pulling all this dumb **** all for a girl whose 13 years younger then he is. Seriously he needs a slap in the head.

I am doing my laundry thats the great extent of my day and I made myself a grill cheese.

had a good day at work, but came home to find out our dog jumped the fence and is missing. don't know how long she's been gone, but she's taking medicine and needs to be home. very upset. hoping husband, who is out looking for her now, brings her home. ugh....

[Anelie]

I've had health issues that required major surgery, followed by a 4 month recovery at home and got used to not seeing people outside my family - it's actually easier that way.
But now that I'm more aware what's wrong with me, I actually feel better and will probably meet my best friend today. The day is looking up.

[beautifulfreak]

I am feeling depressed; alone; shattered; dread in the pit of my stomach; a terrible sense of foreboding; worthless; pointless; useless; fearful and angry. My back and leg are also in intense pain.

Partner at work, I am so dependent on him for everything. It is scary feeling that dependency. Our relationship is so unhealthy and dysfunctional. It is a pity really because there was a time it was good…many moons ago.

Urges very high…paralysed with fear that I may have to go back into the Psych Ward.

As many of you know the only breaks in this stagnancy were those three awful events I attended, well, the one Saturday I kinda half attended…the latter half. They were a nightmare. I am disgusted, ashamed and guilty as to what I did.

Anyway, that is how I am feeling thus far. It is almost 1pm now, I do not have the energy to get out of bed. I am here isolated in this house all of the time, with the exception of attending those events…I regret attending. This is my life, one day rolls into the next.

Slept better last night, but I'm ironically more sleepy than I usually am. Going to try to work for a few hours before I have to work (how do you like that one).

Feeling good today. I'm getting myself more financially stable and things are starting to look up in that department. I'm kind of robbing Peter to pay Paul in a sense, but I can start to pay back Peter once Paul is stable. Definitely feeling much better about the whole thing.

dog still MIA. still upset. dumb dog, jumping the fence. dumb husband, not going out and seeing to her so that she wouldn't have jumped the fence.

and of course, had to rain today, so me going out walking around trying to find her (with the kids in stroller) isn't the best idea...

ugh. upset.

called shelter, no dog. and i have work tonight. ugh...

guess i'll try to crochet and relax...not much i can do right now...

[Girl_interrupted89]

Been working hard these days and had to face a lot of problems.. but even thou I was stressing out, I stressed out calmly and controlled myself. And I am very happy because even thou life has thrown me problems that I thought I can never overcome and Bpd has made it hard for me to believe in myself.. Believe than I can do it.. well, I did it.. a little late but I did it.. I am graduating and surprisingly, I'll be receiving an award,, something I thought I will never have.. I almost gave up on myself a few times.. but I'm glad I didn't. So for anyone who would read this and wants to give up on yourself.. Don't. You will never know what you can accomplish or how great you can become if you give up. So hold on to a dream, Believe it, then survive it.

[Bill3]

^^Congratulations Girl_interrupted89!^^