I want to crawl in a hole and bury myself, but I don't seem to know how. Antisocial, very very paranoid, uncommunicative, but wanting company, wanting help, unable to break away.

[greyclouds]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I want to crawl in a hole and bury myself, but I don't seem to know how. Antisocial, very very paranoid, uncommunicative, but wanting company, wanting help, unable to break away.

hope you feel better soon. Keep fighting xxx

Originally Posted by Maranara

I want to crawl in a hole and bury myself, but I don't seem to know how. Antisocial, very very paranoid, uncommunicative, but wanting company, wanting help, unable to break away.

I understand.

[youwillrise]

here i am.
rock you like a hurricane.

today's been a crazy busy day at work. the children are FULL of energy. it's raining, so outside time is a bust today. lots of clashing personalities in the classroom.

as for me, im okay...a little more than 2 hours before i go home for the day.

a;sldkfj; slkdfj

^that's me today

[greentires4me]

3hrs of sleep and I feel horrendous have gone shopping spent money that I didn't have on junk food. had an appointment felt like I didn't get anywhere with it....had sushi it was good...spent time shopping more with my mom the control freak...

I am trying my best to take my mind off next week (Dads trial starts) Hopefully he will be found guilty.
I am starting to feel nervous and anxious over it so please forgive me if I am not responding to posts.

I've always pushed everyone away, sometimes with force, in an effort to stay isolated, stay safe, stay under control. The urge to push has returned...against this place, against anything or anyone who's close to me in an effort to once again gain that security. I don't want to push nor do I want to cling, both equallly detrimental. Instead, I must learn control; I must learn how to stay in "wise mind" and stay in the present. I have stepped up my DBT and meditation in an effort to self-help. Therapy is what I really need but it is still not an option. Distance is needed as I begin this new journey though I'm here all the time clinging to the only thing I know. I am scared, I must succeed, and I need your support as I begin this journey.

[Bill3]

((((Maranara))))

I could be a pocket rider on the journey...

The push/pull I'm experiencing causes constant non-stop anxiety, obsessive thinking, and distress that, in the past, destroys. I cannot allow that to happen this time.

[youwillrise]

im such a weirdo. whenever im strong enough to NOT message/contact a certain friend, i find myself counting how many days it's been since ive talked to him. i always tell myself "just let him message you...let him contact you first"...but i can rarely do that.

last i messaged him was sunday. we'll see how long i can go. i just dont want to be a weirdo....he already knows im a weirdo...but i dont want to be a weirdo. gaaaaaaah.

it's even harder because i dont have too many other people to talk to. ha...but even with the few other people i have...it's not the same. im so attached to this dude.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I went to another meeting today. My "fellow pwbpd" was there again. He had not left; he's been there since Friday.

I am really scared to be too warm to him; so afraid he'll get the wrong idea. He's warm to me (not romantic). I feel so desperate right now for a friend; someone who understands, even though he's 20 years younger than me. I don't care, really. But I am scared he will think I am an "old broad" trying to "glom on him". So I am very casual.

Today we talked about honesty, our meeting. I shared about how there is such a fine line between honesty and vomiting up your problems. I still don't know the difference.

Things will be worse at home before they get better.

Bruce is sick; that means neither one of us can work; I am disabled. Also, he can't find ANYHING now that's not "manager", "full-time", "must have experience with latest Windows program..." It also does not look like he is getting back any of the money he got cheated out of back in Oct 2011.

UGH!

I think we are going to have to move. I hope we can find a senior buidling with a landlord who can take a disabled woman, too, of 45. I don't know what our options are. I am so scared. I have never been homeless before. At least my uncle DID offer to help us move. I am still not sure he will drive all the way down to SD from Seattle, though, at a moment's notice.

My fear of vulnerability is very very real. I need to connect with others, but betw. my bpd and my bad experiences with connections, I don't know.

I still think everything I touch disappears.

today, after sharing at the meeting, I could not help it. I could not bear the feeling of rejection after being so vulnerable (I had shared about my aunt's death finally) and I fairly ran out of the room.

I heard K (fellow pwbpd) calling out, "Bye, Carol!" and I said bye politely, friendly, but I was so scared of feeling so raw and vulnerable.

Carol

[youwillrise]

i hate when my brother has girls over here...he's 6 years younger than me and he's always been the cool/popular/cute guy that girls loved and swooned over.

me? no such luck with guys in that way.

it always depresses me. at this point, there's no use in even believing anyone would ever be interested. if it hasnt happened by now...((shrugs))

reapplied for work. going to go in tomorrow (today now) to let them know i reapplied. have worked there before, but left twice because of the kids.

now, freaking out about going back to work, but we'll be getting an extra $600 a month and that will be nice...

meh.

[poptart316]

I'm trying to get myself back in order and out of the sleep all the time routine.

I'm seeing my doctor today, I'll be back on my meds, thank god. I'm hoping to try something new for depression because what I was on didn't seem to work.

I'd like to sleep for a bit when I get back from the doctors, watch Fringe, clean my room, maybe read a bit of my anxiety book.. then I've got swim class later. I figure I will take it easy today and tackle my English paper tomorrow.

I'm back kinda, sorta, somewhat...how's that for an ambiguous answer. I'm here and will probably be posting a bit more, but I'm still at the amusement park on the roller coaster and will not read or respond to any emotionally charged threads that could make the roller coaster dip when I don't want it to.

Originally Posted by Maranara

I'm back kinda, sorta, somewhat...how's that for an ambiguous answer. I'm here and will probably be posting a bit more, but I'm still at the amusement park on the roller coaster and will not read or respond to any emotionally charged threads that could make the roller coaster dip when I don't want it to.

I'm Lolling about your post. Not that it is funny in and of itself but because I came to this thread to post and what I was about to say is almost identical to what you just said. lol

TBH, I know this is a place for support and about things like depression, personality disorder challenges and the like so this is normal but I am just finding that reading too many of the threads related to such things has gotten to me and so I too, will be mostly avoiding too many of the threads that are 'emotionally charged' and triggering. Maybe I'll be able to offer more support at some point but right now I think it's been more of a distraction from my life than anything and that, not in a good way.

Everyone is welcome to pm me if you need me though. I'm still here for anyone that needs attention personally.

~S4

[greentires4me]

I am feeling a little blue today...I didn't want to get out of bed but here I am...still wearing pjs though so not completely out of bed...slept okay someone rang me at 9:30 this morning wanting some info then I called the hospital about my ultrasound I am having on Friday...now I am trying to decide if I want to go to the pharmacy right this moment in time or not...

Busy lately decorating kids room should be finished latest Sunday, Trying to keep my mind occupied, I have bunk beds being delivered on Saturday the room looks nice, I have to sort their wardrobes out either tomorrow or Friday they have so much clothes that need sorting typical teenagers Lol.

Tomorrow morning I have the dentist the start of my crowns

Sad. Tired.

[greentires4me]

i went back to sleep twice mini sleeps with big dreams...now I am awake I have to stay awake I have an appointment at 3pm...

I dunno, that "somebody", yeah . . .well he's starting to turn into the opposite direction. :/

[Jenfro01]

Good day yesterday, down today. Tired of the roller coaster all of the time. Been having lots of trouble sleeping over the last fee weeks & today my head is actually letting me sleep some but every time I doze off, my phone goes off.

[youwillrise]

my family hates me.

Triggered now and feel like crying. Wish I had someone to talk to.