Its so fracking tiring!

I dont post here much, mostly because my bpd is only an actual problem when love is part of the equasion....
Well here I am... after my last bpd explosion and more than a yr of silence, bf and I are back together. HOORAH!

Problem is the dude works 7 days a week most weeks and is studying! I do NOT have to elaborate do I?

I'm tired you know? Tired of reminding myself the truth, when he takes long to respond via text, I repeat "He's just busy, I'm not unimportant"....

Why can't my default thought be "he's busy" instead of the negative shyt my brain spews? He's been so amazing, and loving and things are just much better than before, so now I feel like I'm betraying him with these negative thoughts.

uhmmm pointless post. Its just that nobody else knows I have to counteract my default thought setting OFTEN. Its getting easier, like I dont panic and hyperventilate, break out in a sweat NOR do I want to chuck my phone into a wall anymore... but its still tiring.

I understand...it is hard when you don't hear from someone and automatically think of everything negative. Just a thought and I don't know if it would help. See if he has the ability to auto reply to texts. He can set it with "I'm busy hon but I'm looking forward to tonight!" and he can change the message everyday or so so it doesn't seem like he's using it to avoid talking to you.... That way, you get a reply and you know he's thinking of you even if it's not him directly answering at the time...he DID take the time to set it because he knows it's important to you to get a reply....

(((Trippin))))
Not pointless at all....

Practice practice practice.... those thoughts of YOU ARE NOT UNIMPORTANT, HE IS just Busy.....

It is rather hard to keep up on it all the time... but it is something I have to do with myself with my S/O and I even to this day... I can say that when we first got together to today, some things are easier to say "it is just busy time for him, he does care about me, he isn't just ignoring me to hurt me in some way". "I am not a fool to believe in love!"

I am not sure how your relationship is with your b/f but with my S/O and I sometime we do sit down and talk when times are stressful. It is very hard, but over time it has gotten "easier" for me to speak (*Or write*) my feelings to him, as him with me as well. We find understanding with one another, and I think there "understanding" is very important.

's I hope things go well

It is nothing that just happens over night either.

Some times i do tell myself-- those negative talkings to myself, are the toxic things from my past.... trying to defeat me.... I try to remind myself in away, just because those toxic thoughts come up does not mean reality in the now is toxic.....
If that make sense?

((Many hugs and good thoughts your way))

maybe you two can set a time aside where you two text your hearts content out so its your own personal time together or that he phones you and reminds you how special you are to him.

just something to think about

Plus, you THINK you know, but you don't know. I mean, you don't know for sure what he's doing when you text him. Changing from that terrified feeling to being okay with it took me years of therapy. I think I'm okay now. My T double-booked me the other day and I did not read anything into it at all. That was a first. I was kind of surprised when he said he felt bad about it. Maybe that's your next step - how is your bf feeling when he can't get back to you immediately?

[QUOTE=Trippin2.0;2953215]I dont post here much, mostly because my bpd is only an actual problem when love is part of the equasion....[quote]

I know and I've missed you!!!

HOORAH!!! I'll be seeing more of you now..

I see.. not enough sex... That sucks!!!

**** me too!! In general tired.. not because of you or your post... So, don't go all bpd on me.

Actually, he IS responding right away..The problem is you're in South Africa and your cell phone system is horrid. I do NOT have to elaborate do I?

Oh ****!!! Now, I have to somehow pretend that I care...Do NOT let my caring go to your head.. I care.. just not that much..

I think it's going to be a constant asking yourself what is rational thinking vs. what is emotional thinking.. By that I mean do the facts support whatever your ****ed up emotional state of mind is telling you. I think most likely not. I also think you should find ways in which to distract yourself even if it's only momentary. This is a great opportunity to really challenge yourself to confront this emotional thinking. It will be hard at first but remind yourself the 20th time of practicing won't feel the same as the first time. It should get easier and in time become more natural.

I also think you should challenge yourself to send texts with the mindset of not expecting a response. It's like exposure therapy. I also think coping ahead will help tremendously. BEFORE you even send that text cope ahead by choosing how you'll respond/react constructively if you don't get a response right away....

If all that fails take a look at your address... you're in South Africa.. how ****ed up is that....

I wouldn't say your post is pointless.... I see it as a more passive way of getting me to talk to you.... Basically, what your post is SCREAMING to me is... "if I can get cbox to feel sorry for me then he'll talk to me".... Hey, I would've talked to you anyways..

Kind of random, but if I was a therapist I'd write a book and title it something like..."Don't Let Your ****ed Up Mind Ruin Your Relationship"

love yah
-cbox

Haha Cbox, gosh I've missed you
Lets see...
He knows about my cray cray thinking (a bit too much) but I'm not involving him in the details as this is what lead us straight to Sour Town repeatedly in the past. i.e I would tell him everything, everything and I would be obessessive about making him feel sorry for me and how he was supposed to make me feel better.

This time around, before we even discussed reuniting he let me know beforehand what his schedule is like, because he didn't want me to feel unwanted. And I told him he would no longer be my go-to guy for when the crazybug bites, because its my issues, my responsibilty. I cant just hand it over to him now and hold him responsible for my issues.

He cant set a default reply because we IM. Certain times (when I know he's most likely at his busiest) I dont actively expect a reply, and immediatley close my IM screen and do something else. But hoping for a reply, I still do, and thats what's kicking the wind out of me.

Most days we either text right through the work day, (he even wakes up earlier just to say morning to me and makes sure I'm safely in the bus) or right through the night because he was busy during the day. And when he cant talk he'll just send "thinking of u" texts or kissyfaces... but why oh why does this not make up for not replying immediately?

Why do I need an immediate response? The world doesn't revolve around me!

On Saturday I sent him a sms to say I was worried because his last online activity was hours ago and even if he doesn't chat, he checks his messages... Greatfully he didn't make me feel stupider and sent me silly kissyfaces and a "missing you" pic on IM.

Idk hey, logically I know I'm being illogical, so I'm annoying myself.
So yeah I'm tired and annoyed with my thought process...

Practice practice practice riiight? This sure takes alot of energy. My emotional thinking sucks wetrabiddogass! I'm pretty sure its at the core of my self-loathing problem. Although I thankfully dont actively loathe myself as much or everyday anymore

Thanks for all the replies, you guys are so great, even though I haven't been on this board in forever

PS. Yessssss! Cbox cares!

calm the **** down and keep your shirt on...wait.. never mind take it off..

duh! this is obvious..

via the crazy train.. remember the crazy train leads to nowhere good..

I think this is something you should focus on often, because he is being sensitive to your issues and telling you everything upfront.

This is good to know so that I can prepare myself for seeing A LOT more of you...

I think to some extent this may be normal, however with our bpd it takes us beyond normal. The next time you notice this feeling try to decipher what is behind it.. is it possible that it's normal? is there a hidden fear or worry? you get the point. I think knowing this will be helpful..

It's good that you're aware of the good.. remain mindful of that. See above..
I think texting was the worst thing ever invented for us... What you experience is NOT uncommon.

Because you're crazy.. See my above response about trying to decipher..

You have no idea how true this is..

For most people...lol

He is doing good things and it appears that he is being sensitive to you. It may help to write out a list of the good/sensitive things he has done/said to review when feeling triggered. This is an opportunity to learn, because the relationship has yet to be damaged.. Your at a cross road.. do nothing and board the last train to crazyville or try and adapt.. The fact that you are AWARE is good, but now I think you should try and figure out what the driving force is behind some of these triggers. I do believe once you figure those out you'll have a better idea of what you need to work on...



I hope all this makes some sort of sense.. My head is spinning it's either because I'm tired or your craziness has infected my brain... I need to try and decipher that..

Lmao I think its my craziness making your head spin, you haven't had this brand in a while....
Thanks, seems I have deciphering to do! hmmmm I'm going to pretend I'm busy with hightech code breaking!

Oh man, do I understand this way of thinking. I hate to say that I ended a friendship with this way of thinking but I did; I simply could not keep myself thinking "He's just busy," when my friend didn't text me back, I had to follow the negative thoughts wherever they wanted to lead me. I would do just about anything to have my friend back, and it seems so simple from this end of it: just think differently. Why not? It's so easy. But we all know it's not. And I'm well aware that, if I had my friend back, it's likely I'd do the same dysfunctional things I did before.

Anyway, hang in there. Don't give in to the negativity. Remember: it's your mind lying to you.

Thank You Misskeena
It is this very bpd BS that had him heading for the hills last time. And the whole time we were separated (over a year) I thought "if I had 1 more chance...." and now here it is and I'll be damned if this disorder is gonna infect my relationship with its filthy venom again! I would much rather die from the exhaustion of keeping "it" in check!

I tend to overreact and go completely insane when it comes to relationships too. Then push push push until they almost leave and then somehow work through it. Gets so tiring hey? My partner has adult ADHD so often 'forgets' to contact me and I think of the worst 99% of the time even though I know our brains work differently.

I just want to feel like a priority. And to give me attention. Then bf's in the past give me too much and I leave them. Ahh mental illnes.. Such fun

Such fun indeed Nicole!