so apparently there's something going on across the street (there's a church over there that we don't go to)...there are cars EVERYWHERE. i fear having to back out so i can go to work tonight, and i'm not sure my husband will be able to pull in...ugh.

it is cold and i need to take a shower but don't want to at all because i'll be frozen by the time i get out...

[Ultra Darkness]

Feeling a bit hypomanic today. La-di-da, and all that.

[Britneigh]

I'm here. I guess. That's really all.

I'll be popping in a few each day, but I won't be posting much. People can always reach me through PMs and I usually reply pretty fast. I have slipped a lot recently and need to focus on getting myself on even keel. I started a thread on mindfulness sayings if anyone is interested. Take care, everybody.

Pretty good. Working all weekend, 12 hour shifts (yippee) and so looking forward to it (sarcasm) but at least I'm half done. Just sitting on the balcony right now in the dark with my computer sipping a drink. Gonna go to bed soon, probably.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

TRIGGER

TRIGGER

(strong feelings)


Felt a little decomp'd this week (having more symptoms) but still safe.

I am triggered by my intimacy issues around dealing with Arvind again.

I hate how relationships affect bpd, and how bpd affects relationships.

He's very understanding.

The feelings are still so strong and intense.

I again got this sense of "painful pleasure".

[tigersassy]

Just getting up and already feeling like crying. I don't understand why I can look at a personal situation with no judgement or anything negative one minute then the next I'm super overly judgemental to the point of severe self hatred.

[poptart316]

I've been up for two days straight and I've been smoking way too many cigarettes and have been playing computer games too much.

not feeling too great. ankle has been messing with me pretty much constantly since i started working and the weather has gotten colder instead of warmer (stupid weather) so it's not helping my pain at all. today, daughter specifically asked that we go to church so we had to get ready and go. i was fine staying home, but oh well. we went, and i walked in and BOOM my hidden agoraphobia/claustrophobia popped out and i immediately wanted to leave. but didn't, toughed it out.

just wanted to get out of there. don't know why...

just felt really confined and didn't want anyone touching me. wanted to curl up and hide.

but when we left, i felt fine. we went out to eat. then came home. now i have to go to work...ugh.

I want to sleep.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

TRIGGER

TRIGGER

(strong feelings)


Felt a little decomp'd this week (having more symptoms) but still safe.

I am triggered by my intimacy issues around dealing with Arvind again.

I hate how relationships affect bpd, and how bpd affects relationships.

He's very understanding.

The feelings are still so strong and intense.

I again got this sense of "painful pleasure".

*hugging myself and thanking myself*.

I need this.

I could have used some hugs and thanks again.

I finished my second 12 hour shift about an hour ago, now I have two days off (yay). I went from feeling wired after I left work, ready to just sit outside on the balcony and relax to just irri-freaking-tated. I texted my friend but he can't talk to me. It's fine; he's at work. But I wanted to know when he wanted to go out to eat--tomorrow or Tuesday. I feel like he's blowing me off. Reality is that he is working, not blowing me off, but I know that our plans always tend to be last minute and I am getting worked up in my mind that he's probably going to say that he has plans even though we talked about going out a few days ago. UGH. I hate it when people are last minute planners.

[salsharia]

I am trying to be positive and fight off my sadness today. I decided to only listen to positive upbeat music even if it annoys me, quit drinking, eat healthy, save money and keep track of my negative thoughts and try to reverse them. I am also trying to be ok with being alone currently by keeping myself distracted when not with my boyfriend.

I am afraid of inconsistency and loosing my willingness to do all the things I listed above by the time tomorrow comes.

[greentires4me]

Well I got my red friend today and since I am in such pain the new pain pills I have tramcet are doing wonders for the pain but it leaves me feeling disconnected and disassociating but I rather have that then not having relief from the uncontrollable pain which is what I get with my red friend. So besides being incredible amount of pain, disassociating, feeling incredibly sleepy and I am in good spirits.

[Luctor]

Apprehensive, on edge, empty. Sad and alone, but that goes without saying.

[grumpything]

This is my first time on this thread but I have to say it is so nice reading that there are other people like myself. With the BPD I also have GAD, OCD and Depression. All these labels when in reality I am just me. I can say what I feel here and know that you will not judge me. Thank you guys! My therapist was a lovely lady but I didnt always tell her how I felt, it is extremely hard telling anyone else but really secrets do not help you. Tell all, it is the only way to understanding yourself. I had therapy for 18 months and still felt cut adrift when it was done. That was 2 years ago. Sadly, I am about to start again. Old stuff rears it ugly head yet again. My head is full to bursting, my emotions are all over the place and I am still trying to hang in there. My grandchildren and my work are what keeps me going but I tend to overcompensate with both. Right now, I feel lost, lonely, cold, sad, weepy, terrified of what is coming next, but at the same time so angry with myself for not being able to control it all. Yes, I am a control freak when it comes to me. With everyone else I tend to be a bit of a walk over. Ugh! Horrid combination. Ahhh well, again, it is me and although I am trying to be in control of this person it is not to be. Better at times though hooray.!

[tigersassy]

Feeling ok for now. Can feel anxiety building because I know this week at work is going to suck, but its not bad yet. I hope today is just a mellow day (which I know it wont be at work we have 3 different major things happening this week). Good thing today is supposed to be short.

[Luctor]

I've tried it all, meds, exercise, diet, distraction, mindfulness, more meds, therapy; I've tried everything. But still the sadness persists.

I fear I may be in an untreatable depressive slump. I've been here for a year now. No, more. Maybe my whole life.

The darkness is unrelenting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of pretending I'm okay. My brave face is just a mask, one I can no longer wear.

Thoughts of suicide becoming an alarmingly well thought-out plan. What will save me from my despair?

I don't enjoy my life. I simply survive each day. All I look forward to is the medication induced daze I spend my evenings in.

This is no life. This is torture.

I'm having so much trouble with the anxiety I can hardly stand it. I just don't know what to do about it. I feel like I can barely function I'm so agitated. So I take a nap. Luckily, it's my day off and I can do that. I can't do that while I'm at work. Not sure what to do about this.

Originally Posted by misskeena

I'm having so much trouble with the anxiety I can hardly stand it. I just don't know what to do about it. I feel like I can barely function I'm so agitated. So I take a nap. Luckily, it's my day off and I can do that. I can't do that while I'm at work. Not sure what to do about this.

Hmmm wish I had some good advice. I game but I can't do that at work either if I'm agitated and anxious but sometimes I'm able to find distractions from it. I'm at a computer all day so that's not so hard for me.. I don't know what the nature of your job is so don't know if that would work.

Nice signature! XD

[Ultra Darkness]

Yeah, she has a nice signature. Me, I'm not so nice.

Anyway, on a sugar rush. Totally crazy.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Hmmm wish I had some good advice. I game but I can't do that at work either if I'm agitated and anxious but sometimes I'm able to find distractions from it. I'm at a computer all day so that's not so hard for me.. I don't know what the nature of your job is so don't know if that would work.

Nice signature! XD

I took my signature down, just wanted to see what it was.

I work in an emergency department so am at a computer a lot but I can't play or anything. I tried calling my pdoc's office to see if I could move up my appointment (though I'm not sure if she can really do anything) and I sat on hold for 10 (!) minutes before giving up. That frustrates me so much. I'll try again tomorrow, I guess.

[wadingthruemotions]

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

Yeah, she has a nice signature. Me, I'm not so nice.

Anyway, on a sugar rush. Totally crazy.

Where do you go get those I am a vampire, the archer, etc signature boxes you have? Those are cool.

Expressing my feelings just isn't worth it. It's not something I can do easily, and whenever I do do it I am setting myself up for rejection, within my head if no where else....

[greentires4me]

Well in pain still but so not so bad then it used to be so I popped a set of pain pills just to dull the pain. It was nice today I got to have a nap And swear I slept 4 hours or more. I wish I could feel better about my situation but its depressing so I have thought about suicide more and more lately