I went to one of those Passion Parties tonight. I usually never, ever go to those at-home selling things parties; I never want to buy the things that are for sale, but I thought this one would be fun (and I need to get out of the house more), so I went. It wasn't. People were too quiet (despite the nature of the things for sale), there weren't many people I knew there, and I felt completely obligated to buy something because, I mean, you have to--you go, eat the hostess' food, drink her alcohol...you have to buy. I spent waaaaayyy too much money on shaving cream. I knew I shouldn't have gone to the party. I need to listen to my inner voice on these things.

I have to somehow attempt to develop one or two "real" friendhips. People I can actually talk to now and then. This virtual stuff only goes so far, and I'm very, very grateful for it, but if I'm ever going to get over my major issues, I've got to be able to talk or at least try to.

leaving in an hour to drive for an hour for church with the inlaws. i do not like this. but will deal, i always do.

bought a beautiful shirt and skirt for today that will pretty much be my go-to outfit for whenever husband and i go out because it makes me feel awesome.

feeling pretty good today. wish i could get more done on my book or on my crocheting but oh well.

The last few days have been very hard for me. I feel out-of-sorts, clingy, paranoid, and very anxious. I just want it to go away.

When the chips are down and times are rough, I can't depend on anyone but myself. It's about time I learn that and live by it.

[Fuzzybear]

spoke on the phone today to a good friend....(a sort of spiritual "older sister") I thought they didn't like me any more as they hadn't emailed me since our last talk. But I was wrong, they do care about me ( and I didn't mess up or make them dislike me...)

this **** can get "better"

[Fuzzybear]

....

(((Fuzzy))) (((everyone)))

Day 3 of no smoking for me

[Fuzzybear]

(((((( Buttercup )))))))
Congratulations on day 3 of no smoking!

I realize that I'm a hateful person.

[kala83]

kicking myself right now. I can totally tell I am starting to form an attachment to a guy I have meet and that I like....and that I might be doing my old tricks of coming off too needy.

Trying to hold back dosn't seem to help it just seems to make things worse for the most part.
we talk to each other quite a lot and want to get to know each other more, I just know that I can be a lil pushy with things espically in an emtional sense and I am afraid I am giving off bad signals.

I read into things too quickly and hope for things too quickly EVEN when I know I should not be doing that. I feel poorly about it I wish I could just get to know him as a person and let feeling happen naturally but I really truly just don't know how to do that.
But I have to learn, I can't keep breaking my heart this way when I can avoid doing so.

Horrible day.

despite apprehension about in-laws and being around a lot of people, today was a good day. was very nervous during church but they did a big prayer for all the moms and i had to go up with everyone in front of the whole church (which, really, pretty much every woman was up at the front, haha) and they prayed over us and i burst into tears during prayer and they of course noticed and a couple of the ladies came over and prayed over me about my mother and our broken relationship.

then i felt better and we all went to in-laws' house and had lunch and it was pretty fun. i didn't feel left out or like an outsider, and the kids all had fun together. it was nice.

then went to my parents' place and they were excited to see the kids (hadn't seen them in a month) and we had coffee and pretty much chilled. then came home.

so...good day. glad

I went out with a friend tonight. It was fun. The problem is that I go out so infrequently that I find myself clinging too tightly. When it's time to go home I don't want to; I want to stay out just a little longer and have just a little more fun. It's tough for me to call it quits so my friend thinks that I'm mad that he wants to go home. I'm not; I just feel lonely for his company because I have company so infrequently. It sucks. God, I'm so lonely.

[dldbattig]

Today I was just trying to lay low and keep things simple but it is always never enough. Tried the whole honest and open but it always seems to back fire on me. Sometimes I feel like no one really wants me to be open and honest they just want me to agree with whatever it is that they are saying. Or maybe it's the way that I go about saying it.... well I guess that's why I go to therapy.

[greentires4me]

I have done some terrible things in my life...every season my moods get worse and everything goes down hill...I overdosed yet again landed my butt in the hospital I don't remember how I got there...but I know I called 911 I was in there from Thursday night to Saturday late afternoon.

today I feel down in a funk and not myself at all still trying to get my bearings on straight.

[Luctor]

I wouldn't say I'm feeling all that happy, but I am feeling stronger. I feel like my fortitude has been restored. Like my heart is healing. Like I can, and I will.

Feeling incredibly anxious again today. I feel like I'm dealing less with the other symptoms of BPD and more simply with this overwhelming anxiety. I wish it would just go away; there is no reason for it. It's driving me crazy.

[wadingthruemotions]

Crappy, I suck, I suck, I suck.

I want to hurt the person that helped get me on the downward slope I am on.

Dang it.

[Fuzzybear]

[greentires4me]

as I sit here and replay the only moments that I can recall from my time in hospital they all seem jagged and not to right in the head. I remember peeing the bed...because I was stuck to all these cords and if I only I could unravel from them to go to the bathroom...

it seems way funny now but I must of been a nuisance to the nurses.

today I feel all hot and sweaty ick ick ick ick

now I am bawling for unknown reasons

Day 4 of none smoking for me, I sometimes get the urge but I am doing other things to take my mind off it. Also my neck has swollen up (think it could be my thyroid) I see my T tomorrow, Hope we don't talk about childhood stuff

[Ultra Darkness]

Down from my energy high. Feeling sick. Bleh.

Interacting with people makes me so depressed. One day I think I like them then the next I don't and then in the end the only person I hate is myself. I'm such a vicious, angry person, too. I'm tired and I feel like a waste of everyone's time and energy and I just want to sleep.

[poptart316]

I'm bored and sick of everything.

The Erotica Ball wasn't as fun as I thought it would be.. it was kinda lame and the food sucked plus my friend and his roommate needed a ride and his roommate totally didn't like me or the guy I'm seeing.. but whatever, she's a loud- obnoxious b!tch.

Also, I had to drop some of my classes today because I didn't have enough finaid and wont be taking classes till July.. more boredom! Yayy!