I ordered 3 books on BPD, It is the first time that I am actually going to read a book on this disorder, They all came today will probably take me months to read but I am looking forward to reading them, One of them is written by a girl who has recovered from BPD and it's called "Get me out of here".

[violet_skye]

I got a DBT workbook, and I've started it. I'm proud of myself for wanting to make a change - I just hope it makes a difference. Trying to work up the courage to talk to my parents about getting a therapist as well...

[greentires4me]

today has been momentous I have gotten another job offer this one on telegraph bay far cry from where I live and call it somewhat home. I feel like I I have to run and shout that people want me more then my boring old place of worship. now all that remains is if I want to finish DBT...why does DBT always in the way...

I feel mystical and slow progression of an "yes" in a shout coming on.

I've been emailing my therapist and she sent me an email that said she would not respond to anymore emails from me because it was against the policies. That shouldn't hurt but it does. Now I don't wanna go back to see her because I feel ashamed.

[greentires4me]

no more job opportunity it was taken by someone else...

[poptart316]

I hate everything and everyone and I want to die.

All I feel like doing right now is going home and sleeping the week away. No i'm not tired. just nothing better to interest me at the moment.

I am fighting an epic battle within myself at the moment. I am fighting exhaustion, monotony, and brain-deadness from my work and at the same time anxiety, extreme paranoia, and nervousness. I am fighting the battle of what my mind is telling me on one hand and what my messed up emotions are telling me on the other and I simply lack the self confidence to know what to believe right now.

[poptart316]

I feel bored and panicky, I never do anything.. I just sit on the computer allll day and complain to people about my problems. I don't even really feel like doing anything other than sleeping and I have zero energy. I don't know how to change my life for the better.

[shortandcute]

I started therapy up again. Although my official dx is personality disorder, NOS, I think I actually mite be straight up BPD, after all. One dx I was given was "personality disorder, NOS, with borderline and dependent features." I have studied BPD quite a bit and was totally surprised how much it described me. My therapist asked me quite a few questions to find out more about me and my situation. Some of the questions sounded like they had to do with BPD symptoms, and when we were done, she said that my answers were "quite helpful."

I was about 20 minutes late, and she usually has a 10 minute rule, but she did let it slide this time.

Just finished up three 12 hour shifts in a row and they were busy ones. I'm feeling the letdown from so much adrenaline. I wish I had somewhere to be and someone to be with. I'm lonely and feel like a loser. Earlier this evening (around 5:30), I texted my friend asking, "How are you?" and he never texted back so of course my brain is running wild telling me that he's never going to talk to me again. I wish my friends would text or call once in a while but they never do. Here I sit, alone in my apartment and would always be alone if I didn't reach out to them. Just once I want someone to reach out to me without me having to do it first. Is that too much to ask?

Alcohol is the only thing I have to say

Originally Posted by poptart316

I feel bored and panicky, I never do anything.

I can relate to this sooooo much. Bored and panicky go hand in hand with me.

I'm off work tomorrow, the first day in a week and I've worked 60 hours this week. Scared the emotions are about to sneak out and strangle me. I almost wish I didn't have days off.

I woke up and I didn't want to live anymore.

I came to a realization that the things that are bothering me shouldn't be and why and that things aren't nearly as bad as I make them out to be. I know this feeling won't last, but it's the first time I've felt this way in a while and I hope it lasts at least through the weekend.

[wadingthruemotions]

I have yet another headache

so thankful for Dr appt Monday. Maybe then they can solve this. This is getting rather frustrating and anger inducing.

I am dealing as best I can and the manic phases I have been feeling this week finally produced something good today. I cleaned the house. That is a huge plus for me.

Anxious. Texted my friend to ask how he was doing last night and didn't receive a text back which could just mean he was out with other friends. Texted him this morning to ask if we were alright from our last conversation (it got a little heated) and still haven't heard back. It still doesn't necessarily mean that he's not speaking to me or that our friendship is over, but my mind is going there. I'm sitting here, freaking out and I don't know how to make it stop...

Originally Posted by misskeena

Anxious. Texted my friend to ask how he was doing last night and didn't receive a text back which could just mean he was out with other friends. Texted him this morning to ask if we were alright from our last conversation (it got a little heated) and still haven't heard back. It still doesn't necessarily mean that he's not speaking to me or that our friendship is over, but my mind is going there. I'm sitting here, freaking out and I don't know how to make it stop...

That's hard...been there many times. Don't text again. Do something to keep your mind from thinking too much. There's not much else you can do, but know that people understand.

Originally Posted by Maranara

That's hard...been there many times. Don't text again. Do something to keep your mind from thinking too much. There's not much else you can do, but know that people understand.

I mean, he was probably out with friends last night. Or, more likely, his boyfriend, and he just didn't want to get into a whole conversation with me. Also, he's probably sleeping right now since he has to work tonight at 7pm. I'm trying to think of what reality is. I won't text again, especially since I will see him tomorrow night at work. I just wish I didn't feel so anxious about it.

[greentires4me]

Doing okay just at my parents house alls I wanna do is sleep and eat but I guess that's not fair to my parents.

I feel sorta sluggish and co-morbid I wish it was better

[Britneigh]

It's been a hard week... First on Wednesday a deer jumped on the good of the car...it's my bosses car...great.

Then Thursday I got heart breaking news, my favourite mare who I regretted selling, Bold, had died. It's been a mess surrounding her death. We believe she was poisoned by the barn owner or the barn owner didn't watch her like she was suppose to. Regardless it shouldn't have happened, she was only 4.

I'm still struggling with her death..the girlfriend gets mad and says I need to stop dwelling on it. The other day I cried into her tail (when she died we cut her tail as a keepsake, I know it's odd but still) and the gf got pissed. She said its unhealthy, but it's all I have left and idk what else to do.I got wasted last night, felt good to be so out of it I didn't think about Bold. I know I shouldn't drink because I have had issues with alcoholism in the past. But I said eff it and drank 3/4 of a bottle of vodka.

Needless to say I'm not doing well.

Feeling better tonight. My friend finally texted me and it turns out that I was (of course) all worried for nothing. I don't know why I let myself get so worked up.

I can honestly say I had a good day. The best day I've had in months. I wish I knew what to do to keep it from evaporating. I need to relish it because there's no telling when it'll happen again, or when it will abruptly end.

[Love/Hate09]

Lost a friend, a really nice genuine person. So stunned, still can't quite get my head around it. Had been trying to ring him just for a chat and to see how he was. The number would never connect, i just thought he had changed his number and i would catch up with him eventually. Then i saw someone who knew him and he told me he had passed away. I still can't believe it really. Last time i saw him he was fine and we we're chatting as normal. I keep getting a grip and then losing it again. Don't really know where to post this but wanted to post it somewhere. I'm not religious but i keep sending him my thoughts, somehow i think maybe he can hear me from somewhere. Still struggling to process this, it was only a couple of months ago when he was taking care of me because i wasn't very well, he came and picked me up and made sure i got home safely because he was a lovely generous person. I wanted to write this somewhere because i want him to know i'm thinking of him if by chance he's looking down from somewhere. Take care mate, wherever you are.