Intense, almost delusional jealousy

In romantic and other relationships, is intense jealousy a common problem for BPD sufferers?

One of the huge contributing factors to my failed romantic relationships is jealousy. I'm completely insecure about my partner. This insecurity leads to a constant need for reassurance. Hypervigilance for signs that she's losing interest, or cheating. This then manifests as controlling behaviour, which as we know, just pushes people away.

I want to know, do you struggle with jealousy in your relationships?

intense, unstable relationships are common---as is black and white---either or thinking---and over or undervaluing people....jealousy yes. be careful out there.

Yes I do very much so. With all kinds, work relationships, friendships, etc. I can become uber controlling and that really ticks people off.

Yes, definitely.

Wow, I posted about this myself a lil while back...my jealousy is crazy it consumes my life and I hate it. I'm even embarrassed about it because its even over the smallest thing (not to me) of thinking of my boyfriend looking at other girls. I have been in pretty crazy relationships with other guys who have been like that to me too (thinking I look at guys sends them crazy) but I don't know if its because of that or it's just me? Well anyways it's a terrible feeling to have especially when u don't know if its real or delusional?

How did that make you feel? Irritated? Controlled? Or did you empathize because you yourself struggle with jealousy?

How do you guys deal with these feelings? Do you turn to your partners for reassurance? Is reassurance ever enough? Does it go away with time?

I'm worried my jealousy will make me forever undatable. Until I get a handle on it, but I don't know if I ever will

Love is not jealous, is what I've always learned so i try not to be jealous, but sometimes...

I can say it is not easy. It doesn't ever really go away. You can find someone, heck I'm married. I can say for me I had to trust even when I felt I couldn't that he would understand certain things that I do and that we'd work on them. Countless fights, arguments, and all later, still married going on 14 yrs now. He just accepts that needy part of me that needs to hear certain things like all the time.

I wish you luck with this. Feel free to message me if you need to really get into issues or anything.

This is a hard one. When young, I was never jealous in relationships, but I realized later I also wasn't letting myself really feel close/involved.
No amount of reassurance works because it is not about what the other person is doing, and even if someone does cheat or spent their love/emotional energy elsewhere (always working, a lone hobby...) it still is not about them---
The danger in jealousy is it asserts itself as if it must be assuaged to ensure survival (sound nuts?) and because it is so threatening, we can end up hurting other people or ourselves because of it-----------people kill out of jealousy.
It is something that when out of control is dangerous (like depression, panic, anger, fear, -----) to one's self or others.
I don't know the answer. I was married 20yr and had "reasons" to feel jealous but those "reasons" were just a symptom of something else ---- maybe it is the thought, grown huge, of being out of control...of not knowing...never being able to Really Know...and the road is learning acceptance of not being in control in the large sense of the word... do work on it, I think recognizing it as part of you is a good place to start, everyone who can say "I am a jealous person" is ahead of anyone who simply goes after the other in rage and blames them. My theory is that it comes from someplace pre-verbal and that makes it really big and really scary and threatening because we cannot name its real source and put it in it's place.

Scared, I was only 15-18 so I was still learning about life and these guys I was going out were abusive. I would get hit in their rages of jealousy and crazy stuff. I guess I kinda repeat what they did to me (not that I hit my bf) I empathized with them I guess but I was a baby at the time.

I'm in the best relationship of my life but with someone who try's so hard to understand me and thats what you need too..I hope u get this! It doesn't make it any easier for him or for me but knowing that he cares so much to try and deal with my crap is enormous. I don't think I can change

I've gotten jealous before but I'm starting to think that the negative emotions were trying to tell me that something was wrong. I was dating this one guy and I was super jealous of his neighbor/friend, he seemed to really care about her but I'm certain he didn't care for me in the same way and was just using me for sex (he even told me he didn't want to get emotionally involved), I kind of feel like my jealousy was warranted in that situation.

I'm seeing a guy now and I haven't gotten jealous or have been feeling the need for reassurance. He's super nice and has been showing an interest/giving me attention. This is the first time I've been involved with someone and haven't been riddled with anxiety. Sometimes I worry that it's because I'm not all that attracted to him, I mean I am attracted to him it's just not that intense. Intensity tends to come with A$$holes, like I totally get off on people using me for sex or not being that into me.. but I simply can't be in those kinds of situations and don't even want to have intense feelings for someone anyways.

Thank you. I may take you up on that offer.

Could you explain this further?

I really like the way you summed that up. Where did you learn this stuff? I'd like a page out of your book, please!

yes, for sure.

I think this will sound a little weird - I'm not sure what to make of it myself - but I actually love my partner to be a bit controlling/possessive...

I think I do understand that in your case it all comes from insecurity - I guess it is always the case, some just pitch it as if it was power and it can be very effective.

I would say it *IS* a BPD "thing".
Is being attracted to a controlling/jealous partner a BPD thing?

I'm attracted to dominating men, but there is a fine line between dominance and abusive. I spent alot of time in abusive relationships because i thought 'Wow, he must love me SO much to get SO mad about this, or that.. He must love me SO much to not want me to look at any other men'.
However that sort of jealousy usually comes from a place of weakness or damage.
One feels weak, and powerless within themself, so one takes power from those around him/her. One feels out of control and so he/she tries to control the situation he/she is in, with no variables.
I really think that BPD is more common that we realize.

Oh, yeah--that has been a big problem for me--major! That's part of the reason I haven't been in a relationship in 18 years--I really don't want to put myself or anyone else thru that.

I can see how it could be. I think it goes with that whole "tumultous relationships" thing. And I was always attracted to men who were dominating, because there was a part of me that wanted to be hurt--I was getting involved with that in lieu of the "cutting." Of course that was my own personal experience.

Oh... something I can very much relate to...

I would say - ideally - I want to be hurt but cherished, loved, being fully devoted to at the same time.

Crazy? naaah...

Yes..

but only affects sexual relationships, really. I am not close to other people.

Before my diagnosis I would sit on the computer for hours searching for anything to prove that my fiance was cheating. I would go thru his phone constantly almost as if I hoped I would find something. This came back to bite me every single time....I would find the smallest thing and create my own story as to what it meant. It is terrible to spend your life waiting for the other shoe to drop or worse than that is creating the fall yourself because of self sabotage.

My fiance told me he had married a prostitute on fable 2, after having intercourse with two.

Fable 2 is a game.

I felt extremely jealous and nearly reacted out of angry jealousy..

I repeat.. It's a game... FML.

I hope that answer's your question LOL.

I had a BPD ex and he was jealous all the time. He would make up online profiles and flirt with me to see if I would take the bait. He would go through my closets and glove boxes, etc looking for evidence of cheating.

I was 100% faithful the whole time. He wasn't.