[allme]

HI all.

So today was f***** up. I started the day with a mobile hair dresser which was ok as she was very nice but after she left, my hubby was peeved with me for some information I gave her. So I got peeved that he was trying to tell me what I can and cannot say. Anyway, we went out and he gave me the silent treatment and acting real cold and distant. This triggered me into feelings of desperation and then came the anger.....I turned around and told him if he continued to punish me, I was gonna punish him right back. He replied by calling me a selfish b****. Whooaaaaaa well I went crazy, hissing, spitting, shouting, jumping (all of this in a car park after lunch) and running after him as he trotted away back to the car. Got in the car and then went into full throttle b**** from hell mode, shouting abuse and obscenities. I felt as though my veins were gonna pop out of my head right before exploding. So anyway, we argues black crow white for a while. See the thing is, my anger, I think, comes from fear and hurt. I don't know how else to release it. I seriously need help not to get so angry.

Anyway so I went to the shop and this is what I bought:

2 slices of cheeses cake
2 cream cakes
4 bags of crsips
2 packs of fruit pastels
2 big bags of chocolate buttons
and 6 litres of pepsit max with a tub of ice cream to top it off. Now I plan to eat until I feel sick. The process helps make me feel better and to relax after especially if I have made myself sick. It was this or buy drugs. Ok I will be honest, I opted for drugs first but couldn't get any so a food binge came in second.

I am so on edge now and feel so hurt after some of the things he said. But I said awful things too.

I hate my anger

That sounds so rough! I'm sorry that happened Congrats on not going for drugs, (I know you say you had no choice, but still it's an achievement! )

Anger does suck, luckily my anger isn't too extreme and I tend to manage it, well I target it on myself rather than others mostly. Hows that waiting list going for a T? That anger needs to be one of your priorities by the sound of it, and how to handle it

You may have said awful things, and he hurt you, but one thing that will help will probably be to apologise and explain calmly why you were upset rather than stewing on it. Instead of binging you could take your pups for a nice brisk walk. I find walking with loud music with headphones helps me a lot when I get to angry. I just walk and walk until I am calm again.

Here for you though

[Luvmydog]

I'm sorry that you had to go through this today. I've been through the same type of scenario more than once. I hope that as the day turns to evening it gets better.

[allme]

Thanks both for replying. Taking me ages to really calm down. I hate feeling like this. Inside I feel like a little bratty child! At least the argument has stopped now. Definitely calmer though. I really should enter anger management. But saying that I have to give myself some credit. I have definitely calmed down recently and don't fly off the handle as quick. But when I do all hell brakes loose! Anger is definitely one of my main concerns and problems and also the way I deal with it after is self destructive as I will do anything to help calm down and feel ok again. Usually eating or drugs...or both. Actually I do the sale with any extreme emotion...its no wonder I am not pushing 20 stone with the amount I binge. But saying that, I usually eat a regular amount or hardly anything important between so I guess it balances itself out!

Thanks again for replying....seems a lot of ppl struggle to reply. Trying not to take it personally but I feeling a bit upside down today.

Originally Posted by allme

Thanks again for replying....seems a lot of ppl struggle to reply. Trying not to take it personally but I feeling a bit upside down today.

I know the feeling! Thats been getting to me lately

But I'm glad you are feeling calmer

[HealingNSuffering]

Anger management didn't work to well for me sadly. The best advice I got from it is "when you get angry and want to hurt yourself squeeze ice cubes until it hurts instead, the cold will reduce your rage" which is inconvenient sometimes when you need the freezer is miles away. What has been working is learning how to assert my feelings better through practice using methods I got in CBT, when somebody hurts me I let them know that what they are doing is hurtful and call them out on their b/s. It is so triggering for me when I get the silent treatment I also become full of rage and want to go on self-destructive binges. Which I'm the same way you are, I went from drug/booze binges now I'm binge eating lately. Try to eat more fruits instead of junk foods, they are more filling and make binge eating a lot harder. I love cheesecake I only eat it on special occasions though.

In a sense I am being more honest with them, and myself because when I feel hurt I don't really want to start fighting and cause more hurt. I want them to stop hurting me because the feeling brings back horrible feelings of abandonment from my early childhood. Glad you are feeling better now allme

[allme]

Thanks! Can't wait to get back into therapy! I really need to relearn certain behaviours and need to learn a healthier way of releasing these feelings of mine. Just feel so screwed up you know? I have the best intentions at heart but repeatedly screw things up somehow and revert to unhealthy behaviour. This **** is at my core though so have little faith it can be helped. I have already been through a lot of counselling and briefly some cbt but cbt guy was a pig but that's another story. I feel so emotionally dumb I mean really retarded. I am still hanging out with some hope for next t but I fear I just won't ever change.

Sitting here feeling sick now. Split all the stuff I bought with hubby and ate half of it all. Have a little left over but feel so fricking sick now. Next step is to bring it back up and I know that would be such a release.....

[UnderTheRose]

My rage stems from hurt I'm sure. Kind of like
Trigger->hurt ->which IMMEDIATELY turns to rage , especially if it's from someone I am dependant on, whether it be husband or psych. or who is dependant on me, like a child.. because it makes me see nothing but FAILURE flashing across my being.
When I stay sober, then I eat more. When I'm drinking I eat less. When I try to do NEITHER (no food or alcohol binging) then I rage more easily.
I used to go to AA/NA , then i realized that i filled that hole of self-hate and sadness with anything. whether it be a substance, or sex, or having someone love me... my bpd really fit in many ways, but im still lacking the DESIRE to actually make the changes I need to make in DBT.
Sorry to hijack... just wanted to say in my longwinded way that I understand (hugs)

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by allme

Thanks! Can't wait to get back into therapy! I really need to relearn certain behaviours and need to learn a healthier way of releasing these feelings of mine. Just feel so screwed up you know? I have the best intentions at heart but repeatedly screw things up somehow and revert to unhealthy behaviour. This **** is at my core though so have little faith it can be helped. I have already been through a lot of counselling and briefly some cbt but cbt guy was a pig but that's another story. I feel so emotionally dumb I mean really retarded. I am still hanging out with some hope for next t but I fear I just won't ever change.

Sitting here feeling sick now. Split all the stuff I bought with hubby and ate half of it all. Have a little left over but feel so fricking sick now. Next step is to bring it back up and I know that would be such a release.....

I feel screwed up to, I actually believe that I am an evil person 70% of the time and when I try to say nice things about myself I have to search far and wide to do that. I agree that you need to learn some healthier ways of dealing with your anger, especially when you are only angry because you have been hurt. Anger is the natural response to injustice, when somebody hurts our feelings, its normal for us to get angry, how we express our anger is what makes a big difference. Shouting at people only creates more shouting, letting our emotions take over is what gets us into the deepest ****. I think what your husband might be doing is trying to give you some time to cool off, but he's handling in a bad way that makes you even more hot headed.

Sorry to hear that you didn't do well with a CBT guy, it was the guy not the method. The first time I had CBT I got really angry at the therapist and stormed out, because she said something about BPD and it totally hurt my feelings. I never went back and then years later I realized she was right and got myself back in therapy. I have also been in a lot of therapy, had 5 different therapists and the longest I spent with one of them was 3 years when I was an adolescent - before they can diagnose personality disorders. You are right BPD is a part of you, the only person who can get rid of it is you.

You not only have to want to change, you have to put a lot of effort into it, you have to treat it like a college class. It takes a lot of work to heal from these personality disorders, and a conscious effort on your behalf. Don't do it for anybody else but yourself, that was my problem with my past therapists, they were either forced by my parents or the court system. Yes try to talk it out with him, if things start to get too emotional you can tell him "I need to step back because this is starting to trigger me" I do this all the time. Especially during conflict resolution with people, I prefer to have no conflict but this is impossible, even as a single man I still have my fair share of conflict with people.

[unaluna]

Sorry, just saw this. That would make me nuts too, somebody telling me what I can and cannot say. My mother would do that. Like her reputation depended on it. What reputation - people know what she is. You're allowed to have your own self and your own relationships without your h hovering over you like an old woman. No offense to old women!

[Trippin2.0]

You had valid reasons to get pissed off, but I agree it could have been expressed differently.

Really sorry its been such a shytti day thusfar but I'm also glad to hear you are somewhat calmer and didn't deal by getting drugs. I know you said you tried, but kudos to you for not trying harder!

I mean I've seen firsthand the lengths people go to, you didn't, so thats a victory right there and we need to acknowledge them all, big and small

[allme]

Thanks guys!

I am also under the belief I am an evil person so understand how you feel. I have put my hubby through hell and he said to me today I am breking his love for me which is the only thing keeping him with me. On my good days I am a fab person but triggered in ANY way I become a nightmare and act out in self destructive ways and and act out in extreme ways. I haven't yet learned to own my behaviour. I alwayd blame others. But I know all too well, although we can't control other ppl and their actions we can control how we react to them. The porblem is I have no control. Which is why I need to woman up and accept responsibility for what I am doing. Maybe then I will be empowered to take some control back

Thanks guys.

[allme]

Btw I am typing from my phone so typos everywhere lol

[allme]

Back to normal appetite today But feel rather guilty and disgusted with myself for yesterday

Originally Posted by allme

Thanks guys!

I am also under the belief I am an evil person so understand how you feel. I have put my hubby through hell and he said to me today I am breking his love for me which is the only thing keeping him with me. On my good days I am a fab person but triggered in ANY way I become a nightmare and act out in self destructive ways and and act out in extreme ways. I haven't yet learned to own my behaviour. I alwayd blame others. But I know all too well, although we can't control other ppl and their actions we can control how we react to them. The porblem is I have no control. Which is why I need to woman up and accept responsibility for what I am doing. Maybe then I will be empowered to take some control back

Thanks guys.

In no way are you an evil person If you were evil you would enjoy hurting others. I can see from what you post that you definitely don't enjoy it!! having anger issues and being evil are two very different things

Originally Posted by allme

Back to normal appetite today But feel rather guilty and disgusted with myself for yesterday

Try not to let the guilt consume you. As I said to you earlier, you didn't take the drugs so thats one thing you can congratulate yourself over! Yes you binged, but there should be less guilt associated with that than the drugs. Thats how I would see it anyway I think

If apologies are needed still, then make amends. That should help to further reduce the guilt you are feeling

[allme]

Aw thanks