Anyone have experience with Quiet BPD?

Hi there.

I’m at week 8 out of a relationship that re-opened some deep core wounds. At first, it was easier for me to see the issue as being all hers (my ex-GF’s). No doubt we were codependent. It was easier to cry for her suffering. Now, I'm looking at my own internal stuff.

I’ve come to a place of accepting that I have my own struggle with mood dysregulation and instability. On the surface, I usually keep my poise and appear to have purpose. On a rational level, for instance, I can tell myself that if that pretty barrista is calling me "sir", and isn't giving me a flirtatious smile, that it's just common practice and polite. Inside, I still experience the rejection - my heart sinks (sometimes tears even well up) and I feel all the rejections of my past.

Things like this, I'm working to accept as being here, rather than judge. I am here because I think I may be a Quiet Borderline. In the past, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. More recently, it’s Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Depression. I haven’t told my psychiatrist about the daily dysregulation issue, a bit scared to be honest.

Everyone has a different story with different ways of coping. I believe that most of us do our best to work with what we’ve got, even if it appears as self-sabotage to others. In my family of origin, the message was: “Stop crying! Your worries are ridiculous! Stand up straight, and walk with a purpose. Stop focusing on yourself so much." I was a scared, hypersensitive boy who did what he could to not get in trouble. Under that, I had a lot of loneliness, resentment, and rage.The underlying threat was emotional abandonment, and sometimes physical as well. I won’t get into details, but there was abuse. I survived.

I’m an adult. I live by myself, and am about to graduate undergraduate college (after years of being in and out of school). That seems like a positive, and it is, but I’m struggling to keep myself together every day. The truth is I feel like I’m sinking day by day. I'm an adult, but inside, I'm just a scared little boy. I’m scrambling around, reminding myself that I want to feel whole. I’m so scared of not being in a relationship, but my nerves are way too shot. More to the point, I feel as though I have little to no emotional skin. I'm constantly afraid of feeling judgment or rejection from even random people out in public. Things that seem little to most people will totally shake me up on the inside and, since this relationship, I've begun to address this in myself. I want to be able to fully love and be loved. I’m new and look forward to reading your posts. Sorry if I’m ever redundant on anything. This is still new and I’m timid about looking at this in myself.

Can anyone relate to any of this, and what about having Quiet BPD? Thanks for reading.

duende

Dr. Marsha Linehan describes borderlines as burn patients. We have no emotional skin and every "touch" causes agony. I'm not sure about "quiet" BPD. You describe a lot of things that are common to the disorder. The thing is, it really doesn't matter what you call it. It matters that you tell your psychiatrist and/or therapist what is going on with you. As difficult as it may be, you have to put it all out on the table if you are going to get the correct treatment. Don't worry about the diagnosis. It won't change who you are and it won't change what it going on with you. You are describing feelings and emotions that I have experienced and I am sure others here will tell you that they know exactly what you are feeling. Just do your best to be honest with yourself and those who are trying to help you. It will take a lot of courage, but you can do it.

This is not an unfamiliar description and although I'm not sure what you mean by a "quiet" bpd but I do understand the struggles taht you're dealing with. I just dont' think that the assumption of someone being bpd is that they are loud, obnoxious people going around throwing tantrums either. I think it differs with every person.

I think that somewhere I have read that many times males with bpd do tend to quietly suffer more than females as bpd by nature is a disorder whose major traits have to do with emotions, and this, being something that is suppressed more in young boys, they tend to end up living that way later in life, quietly dealing with this "shameful" disorder that affects them in ways they've learned to deem as weakness. Fact is they say there are far more bpd males than we know of and part of this reason is tied to what I've just said. That most males don't even seek help for the same reasons its shameful to admit that they have strong emotions.

It's not a reality that it is anything to be ashamed about but this world does make it difficult to be a man with these traits in us.

Thus, I think your "quiet" in being bpd is explained - at least in my mind. This is just my perspective and by no means am I an expert. Hope it helps though

S4

GeorgiaGirl,

Thanks for the encouragement on this. I could definitely use it

Duende

S4ndM4n,

What you mentioned about males and emotional issues, totally makes sense. I suspect there are a lot more out there than are diagnosed.

Thank you for that.

Duende

you're welcome

The trick is - to recognize that specific things will trigger specific emotions and thoughts...

Depending on what the "severity" of those specific emotions and thoughts are - will bring about how you come to deal with the situation - in terms of your outward / inward behavioral response. (Intensity / severity, level of distress varies from individual to individual - and perhaps - within the same individual whilst utilizing steps and actions in learning how to deal and cope with BPD distressing thoughts and emotions)

In all honesty - a BPD patient doesn't HAVE to exhibit specific BEHAVIORS, from the primary list of symptoms that make up the BPD diagnosis list...

For example: Most borderlines (if not, all) have a problem with rejection, invalidation and potential for real or imagined abandonement.

- What person A does in the situation in order to (SAVE) themselves from
abandonment, may differ:

- From what person B will do

- The key thing to remember here - is that the same and or similar, specific situation (abandonment) is what makes Borderlines diagnosable in the same [grouping] of diagnosis.

The way I am hearing it (And I MAY be wrong about this so please tell me if I am) - is that you're wondering if being a "quiet BPD" as in - quiet and tame - in comparison to the typical (intense, irrational) behavioral / emotional response that is so often described as being the hallmark of Borderline Personality Disorder and of Emotional Dysregulation. Is your question in relation to whether or not - you're own way of handling distressing situations is handled in an overall - more logical and - less irrational, emotionally driven response?

Let me know

HD,

Hi. I meant to clarify earlier. By quiet, I mean that the behavioral response probably seems quiet in comparison to my loud emotional responses - what I'm actually experiencing inside. I certainly don't always have control over the behavioral impulses. Growing up, I was never allowed to really have the strong emotions that I had. The extreme emotions have always been there, but I've chronically felt inappropriate. I'm just now learning to accept that they're here. I guess "quiet" is really more a word I think of in response to how mellow and easy-going many people seem to think of me, at first.

Does this make more sense? Good question.

My T says there is a spectrum a high end and low end and I am on the more mild end(I guess quite end). I do not "rage" all over the place but turn it onto myself instead.

I would bet there are more "Quiet" types than books and articles would lead you to believe. They all seem to paint the picture of all borderlines being chaotic. dramatic, misery machines. I just don't see that as true.

Myself, while definitely prone to a good meltdown now and then, for the most part I am a "Quiet" one. Most people wouldn't describe me as dramatic at all. I am completely self contained nearly all the time.

Doglover, that's well-put. And make no mistake, I'm definitely prone to my meltdowns too. Thanks for that. Hope you're enjoying your Sunday.
duende

Hi MoxieDoxie,
Yes, I guess I was wondering about this because, well, I've had a tendency to be misread as, LOL, "even-tempered". That said, I certainly have my moments. All a work in progress. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this

duende

I am what I would classify as a"quiet" BPD. I hid my issues from my wife very well. I was always keeping up the image of a "manly man" as it were. The whole macho BS of "men don't cry" and men don't have an emotional range beyond "hunting" and "mating". My T says that is common but that it takes real strength of character to admit you have feelings and need help. My first attempt to get real help ended in disaster. My primary care doctor was a man and when I tried to tell him I was DX'd with BPD years ago and I was having issues I needed help with, he laughed and asked if I was a teenage girl since that is "only who get BPD". Took me a couple of years to ask for help again and that was only when my wife brought up the possibility of leaving.

Now, I'm always afraid that my issues will be trivialized or the full extent of my damage will not come through. I've been pretending for so long that I am really good at passing for normal, even when I lie to myself sometimes.

Wow, and this person was a professional? I thought it was expected that they don't trivialize and ridicule their clients.. that person should not even f&*&*ing be a T!

I have never had such a condescending statement to me, but have dealt with similar things before. I understand your hesitance, truly. Sorry you had to have someone so darn right demeaning.

Funny that you mention being even-tempered. In situations that aren't directed to me personally, indeed I am very good at self control and even have been called a laid back, mild tempered person IRL. But the thing is, I do have the rage and it's not always turned inward. I guess I'm "part" quiet, if that's at all possible.

This kind of trivializing is...arghh. It's really ignorant. Sorry. This is exactly what I worry about - that I'll be ridiculed or perhaps not taken seriously, when I'm already in a mess with zero self-esteem. Anyway. Thanks for sharing that Beyond.

Sandman,
I'm not so sure about the whole appearing even-tempered bit, after today. Oh well. One day at a time.

The one thing I did realize after my incident is that I still needed help and I still had to reach out for help. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but it needed to be done and I'm glad I did. I had a help line from work as a benefit and they listened and started me with a woman T after explaining what happened. I felt very threatened by going to anyone male, who could judge me and "ask me for my man card back" so to speak. Hope this helps!

What do you mean? At my reply?

Hey Sandman, I guess I meant that yesterday was really rough. At the end of the day, I was feeling so down and was on the verge of breaking down in tears in the anonymous public on my commute home. I'm okay now. But no, I wasn't doubting in response to your reply (if that makes sense). Haha. I guess I just over-think things and so when I go back and read a statement that I've written like, "I appear even-tempered," I really begin to doubt that. I do my best to be honest and candid about things.

But yes, once someone gets close to me, they eventually see that I'm really sensitive to things. I'm always worried about scaring people away. They'll respond to my episode (whatever that may have been), and then I'll feel really sh!tty and get scared when I think about how much worse it really is inside.

I guess this whole "quiet" bit is about the daily struggle with social expectations vs. external behavior vs. internal chaos. So, often I'm wearing this "in-control"/"on-purpose" mask, but it doesn't always stay on. Hope that makes sense. Good question. Thanks for asking.

This "in-control"/"on-purpose" mask kept me focused for years. I had the advantage of having to be strong for my kids and I tried to keep my mask in place except for when I was alone and could allow myself to be vulnerable. My kids are getting older and now I see cracks here and there where my focused energies are no longer focused. Work, kids, school, computers, video games, anything to keep me occupied and on target, focused anywhere but myself. I guess I have to start a new hobby. Lol. Aggression was another way that I kept focused. I hated everybody around me (except my family) and tuned them out. My road rage sucked but I was able to avoid my vulnerable feelings for quite a long time.

I thought it was in reference to my response to the T that was very horrible.

Anyway I don't think you're wrong about yourself, you're probably more like me... and you do have a quiet, even tempered side too. For the most part like I said in good situations and without any challenging triggers I can handle a lot pretty well. But it remains that i have a freaked out, panic ridden, enraged monster that lives in me too. Mostly I've caged him but sometimes he picks the lock and gets out.

Sandman,
Yes, this sounds so similar.

Beyond,
So sorry you've had this..the "mask" thing that is. While I don't have any children, I can definitely relate to having to keep it on for family. I think of my family of origin, especially. I'm the first-born son (twice a failure, haha), and, as an adult, I have come around to understanding that my mother probably has NPD. It's always been all about her. I mention that last part because I think it explains why I never felt "aloud" to feel things of my own. So...haha...I learned to put on this mask.
Thanks for sharing though

Since you were abused in your childhood,you feel 'toxic shame' which is at the core of your problems.The abuse led you to suppress your true emotions of anger and resentment and build a false subservient,quiet 'self' and learnt people pleasing tactics too just so you could stay out of trouble.Also,you Please work with your therapist toward knocking down the false self,addressing and resolving issues which caused you pain and building a self esteem.

Once you are able to do ^^,more than half the battle is won and I'm sure you will do great with the assistance of your therapist.Good luck.

Only when you address the pain I mentioned above,knock down the false self and build a healthy self esteem will you be able to be truly emotionally intimate and love in the real sense of the term.Healthy adult love shall definitely come to you when you are emotionally healthy to sustain and reciprocate it.

Take care.

Hugs,

Embellished