[nana_]

i just sent out the paperwork for SSI today and i havent' been this anxious in a long time! i just wish i could get through the whole process already, i hate waiting!

also i forgot to take my meds :/

I feel very challenged by a friend who flipped out on me for no reason....

[Vanilla Sky]

Today's been hellish, glad I have my therapy appointment coming up soon! Have you ever felt so alone that you wanted to scream? That was my day today. Although most of the time I've got BPD in a headlock!

[Kek de la Doge]

I made many decisions while my emotions ran amok, and some were puzzling on my peers, I'd say. Still, don't think I did anything wrong. I'm going through tough times. The kind of tough times that would trigger people if I were to mention them. It is selfish, yes. But I am selfish.

I have had my Prozac increased which seems to be managing my ups and downs better, and my husband seems relieved. I always fight with this drug because I get "numb". Ultimately I need relief and I am going to take numb at this time. I am mad at myself for not taking my daily walks.....I want to start journaling, and am trying to grow. Growing is hard because it requires work and sometimes I am lazy and don't want to. I struggle with my self esteem as it waivers between being very high and then very low which is odd....My job is my main source of real life interaction. I often wonder if anyone there truly likes me the way they say they do...I am the supervisor so no one is going to be rude you know....I feel like they just butter me up but I am susceptible to this. I try to be a fair boss but I know this is a weakness.
As a nurse I want to help everyone, I have too much empathy. I am working on making myself harder and tougher and that waivers like my self esteem, it vacillates between extremes of not caring and caring so much I want to die.
My emotions are not the simple "up and down" that all the books say. It is so much more.....so hard to describe.

[Unrigged64072835]

Had a good session with T, though most of it was griping about my family of origin. I started feeling better after that. With both parents dead and being estranged from my brother I really don't have that influence anymore. It still seems weird.

[Kek de la Doge]

Typical borderline behavior made me do stuff like swiftly ending friendship with people. I thought it was purely me and my thoughts but nope. I won't apologize for what I did because it is what it is and to be honest I was irrelevant to them and won't be missed. You know this is crazy haha I'm like a puppet dancing on the strings and the puppeteer is me but not me at the same time. I hate this lol.

[technigal]

My "baby" turns 11 this weekend. Hard for me to grasp that he is already that old. Time, slow down.

[Chuva]

I'm seriously out of touch with reality, but at least I'm not feeling suicidal anymore.

[Anrea]

Wondering if I experience all times from the past and potential futures during the time I exist. So I never let things go and never get anywhere.

[KeepHoldingOn]

I've been dissociated all freakin day and it's so frustrating. Some days everything is great and others I'm just a mess, I never know what kind of day I'm going to have.

[Cavegirl]

Just three days ago (Sunday) I was on the phone with my parents telling them that I'm packing my stuff, grabbing my cats, and ending my marriage. Today things feel fine with my marriage. How can I hate my husband and hate my marriage so much one day, then the next feel fine with everything. Actually it feels like that day never even happened. This is definitely not an isolated situation.

[Kek de la Doge]

Man to be honest group DBT is so out there. Like you get people all wanting attention in one room and everyone just take HOURS to speak about one incident that happened to them this week. While I sit there, bored to death, thinking why am I even there? Why am I even here? Why do I feel so ****ing awful and depressed just typing this?

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Cavegirl

Just three days ago (Sunday) I was on the phone with my parents telling them that I'm packing my stuff, grabbing my cats, and ending my marriage. Today things feel fine with my marriage. How can I hate my husband and hate my marriage so much one day, then the next feel fine with everything. Actually it feels like that day never even happened. This is definitely not an isolated situation.

It sounds like a classic BPD situation, which doesn't mean you have BPD, just that it's a sort of thing we watch out for to gain self knowledge.

Oops, looks like we're already there! Lol. I'm sorry. As it looks, so it is?

[Seraphine]

Sorry I haven't checked in in so long. Things have been ok apart from a bad fight with my bf that left me self harming, a lot of anxiety over seeing my daughter for the first time in years. I keep feeling like I start dissociating and snapping back into reality. But less anxiety overall. Less darkness. So that's something

[dillpickle1983]

I'm checking in. That's about it. I am looking forward to finishing my class for Arise so I can start taking calls. However I am very nervous about the final. Other than that most symptoms are in check.

[Cavegirl]

Today, I feel grateful. I am not in the shadow of my dark cloud.

[Cavegirl]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

It sounds like a classic BPD situation, which doesn't mean you have BPD, just that it's a sort of thing we watch out for to gain self knowledge.

Oops, looks like we're already there! Lol. I'm sorry. As it looks, so it is?

Definitely a classic case! Although I am beginning to learn what to watch out for I was still unable to see it. I lack the tools necessary to identify my behaviors properly and the coping mechanisms in which to draw myself out of these situations. However, I am now working with a new treatment team and am feeling somewhat hopeful.

PS. I just want to add that I was actually able to apologize and discuss the matter. I feel that was a breakthrough. I do love him and I know that he loves me as well. BPD is very difficult. ...sigh...

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Hi all! Not new to PC, but haven't been very active on this forum.... Honestly, it's one of a few forums I have been avoiding for too long...time to show up and face this part of me again! I am proud of the progress I have made in the past re: this dx...but this is a very triggering time of year for me and I got a lot of extra stress piled on top of that currently..I know I have been slipping in more than one of my issues but, all that hard work I have put in to break and replace so many of my maladaptive BPD behaviours...and now they are starting to default I'm probably gonna soon, but I refuse to go down in the S.S. BPD again! Would like to be part of this community if you all will have me?..

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

Hi all! Not new to PC, but haven't been very active on this forum.... Honestly, it's one of a few forums I have been avoiding for too long...time to show up and face this part of me again! I am proud of the progress I have made in the past re: this dx...but this is a very triggering time of year for me and I got a lot of extra stress piled on top of that currently..I know I have been slipping in more than one of my issues but, all that hard work I have put in to break and replace so many of my maladaptive BPD behaviours...and now they are starting to default I'm probably gonna soon, but I refuse to go down in the S.S. BPD again! Would like to be part of this community if you all will have me?..

I'm not sure whether or not I still have BPD diagnosis but I know I still have some of the traits. Welcome to the BPD forum, lostinthewoods!

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Thanx Angelique! They never seem to remove any of my dxes, but my T feels the same way...that I still have traits but not enough to meet full criteria any more. We concurred it was a combo of many yrs of DBT and "Murdock Law" *lol* setting in.... (aging out of most destructive dangerous behaviors )

[88Butterfly88]

Hi,

I just took 2 PC quizzes and one said I have some BPD traits and the other said I very likely have BPD. So I'm just stopping in to see what this disorder is about. I hope that's okay.

[technigal]

Feeling so moody these days

[MobiusPsyche]

I am so sure that pain will be the end result of anything and everything I try.

[Espresso]

I don't know anymore about anything. Everything is hopeless. I'm hopeless. I think I'm finally giving up. What's the point? I've done everything for years. Therapy, medication, more therapy, group therapy, DBT, more medication, more medication, etc. Nothing is ever going to change. Why fight it anymore?