The BPD Check-In Thread #6

technigal · Jul 12, 2016, 09:11 PM

Had a huge panic attack today. It was well waiting for a second interview for a job I want.

Cavegirl · Jul 14, 2016, 07:56 AM

I woke up today free of anxiety. At this moment I feel somewhat hopeful. I have been sharing my feelings with my husband. This is a first, opening myself up in this manner is new to me. I haven't felt judged by him, and for the past couple of days I have felt grateful. I am trying to get into the habit of writing moods and thoughts down on a regular basis. I'm hoping this will help me to remember and sort things out, especially when my mind turns vengeful and hateful. Not trying to jinx myself here...but...my deceitful mind is a b**ch and she's lurking and ready with a suckerpunch. Maybe one day I can beat her to it.

Cavegirl · Jul 14, 2016, 08:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

Hi all! Not new to PC, but haven't been very active on this forum.... Honestly, it's one of a few forums I have been avoiding for too long...time to show up and face this part of me again! I am proud of the progress I have made in the past re: this dx...but this is a very triggering time of year for me and I got a lot of extra stress piled on top of that currently..I know I have been slipping in more than one of my issues but, all that hard work I have put in to break and replace so many of my maladaptive BPD behaviours...and now they are starting to default

I'm probably gonna

soon, but I refuse to go down in the S.S. BPD again! Would like to be part of this community if you all will have me?..

Hi! Sorry to hear that you feel you are slipping. I'd say it's good that you realize it, that in and of itself may give you some power.

Nevertheless, I hope it's helpful to be here in the BPD Forum.

I teeter back in forth from this forum to the Bipolar forum as I'm diagnosed with both. It makes me feel like I'm cheating or something. Ha! I also never know which forum to check-in on (is it ok to do both on the same day) for fear of sounding repetetive and being called out.

O!! The way our minds work! Tricky, tricky, tricky.

technigal · Jul 14, 2016, 10:06 AM

I got the job!!!!!!! I actually do my orientation tomorrow! So happy! It is part-time which I think is perfect for me with my mental health issues.

Jul 14, 2016, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by technigal

I got the job!!!!!!! I actually do my orientation tomorrow! So happy! It is part-time which I think is perfect for me with my mental health issues.

Congratulations!

Hope all goes well tomorrow

little horse · Jul 15, 2016, 07:22 AM

Hi everyone! Jumping in, new here!

Just wanted to check in. It's been... 6ish months since my T and I sort of... broke up? She gave me an ultimatum (I had literally run away, actually, hopped on a plane and flew away) which was to return home, or we terminate therapy. I chose to stay where I flew to for several months, those close to me even filing a missing persons report.

She was my DBT therapist who changed my life, who made me think, who challenged me in ways no other T has. And I'm still so sad that I lost her.

I wrote a DEAR MAN GIVE FAST and a repair and gave it to her. At least now I feel like we've "ended" on some sort of understanding, I think... I don't know what I was expecting, maybe for her to say "of course you can come back" but I knew that wasn't the case.

I have so much going on. I just can't even. My emotion regulation is out the window.

mezz0sopran0 · Jul 15, 2016, 09:55 PM

All the self-awareness and skills efficacy in the world doesn't make the damn symptoms go away. You're going to have to sit with the discomfort in the end anyway. Just effing sit with wanting to do all those stupid bad things and THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. This is the nature of adulting with BPD: it's like learning to live with chronic pain. It never goes away, you just become desensitized to it (to a certain degree).

I'll tell you this, though - I've come WAY too far in the past 6 years to eff it up now. I'll turn Seether and Nightrage all the way up and take the lesser of two evils before I go down that road again.

You know what really sucks? Having this realization puts me in an weird middle ground. I have a really hard time connecting with fellow BPDs because I'm not "outwardly suffering", yet I'm not quite a functioning member of society. It's a really lonely place to be.

88Butterfly88 · Jul 18, 2016, 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by technigal

I got the job!!!!!!! I actually do my orientation tomorrow! So happy! It is part-time which I think is perfect for me with my mental health issues.

Congratz!

88Butterfly88 · Jul 18, 2016, 03:02 PM

Hi again,

Did more research on BPD and took another quiz, it sounds so much like me and yet another quiz thinks I have BPD. I should talk to my psychiatrist but I don't think she'll take me seriously. She doesn't take me seriously about something else. Maybe I should find a new psychiatrist?

Jul 18, 2016, 05:18 PM

Checking out of the BPD check in...turns out I was right, never had this after all...

I wish you all well

Anrea · Jul 19, 2016, 10:25 AM

Obsessing over perceived rejection. Paranoid and mistrusting all conclusions.

88Butterfly88 · Jul 19, 2016, 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anrea

Obsessing over perceived rejection. Paranoid and mistrusting all conclusions.

Sounds like something I would do.

Angelique67 · Jul 19, 2016, 02:24 PM

Me too.

Kek de la Doge · Jul 21, 2016, 07:32 AM

I just feel empty. A hole in my stomach kinda feeling. Stressed and alone and lonely. Afraid. Just want to run. Unplug emotions, that's all, man.... I just want to stop feeling.

Anrea · Jul 22, 2016, 04:39 AM

Struggled today with feelings of obsessing over my adult children. Stuck with my plan not to interject myself into their life. Did a tiny bit of fb stalking of them, but my actions didn't appear crazy to anyone, and I admitted what I had done and was thinking to my husband. Considering unfriending this son as well, just to protect them from my imposing myself into their business, but I think he would feel hurt, and considered telling him the reasons I am so crazy lately, but again - back to, they never ask - they don't need me, they need to be left to live their life. So, I have no choice but to stick to what I said I was going to do, and what my husband says is probably best - Remember they don't need anything from me, and they know how to contact me if they do. :/ It is very hard to be a BPD and let go of adult children without trying to continue hovering and mothering.

Jul 24, 2016, 04:39 AM

I wish that just for once, someone would be afraid of losing me. That I could run away and have someone chase me.

But it won't happen. I am so terrible that no matter what I do, I ruin things forever. All I'm doing is breathing and hanging on. There is no life when no one cares and never will care.

Today I went by a cemetery. And I was thinking about all the people in there, how some of them were rich, some of them were poor, some of them mattered to others, maybe some were even like me--a person people look at but never love. And they all ended up in the same place and most of them will be forgotten about in 500 years tops. So if I were to die tomorrow and had no marks to leave behind, and was completely erased from the world's memory in 5 years, I wouldn't be any different than the people who mattered.

Everyone lives every day and breathes. That might be all this is about. Take a breath and I matter.

Seraphine · Jul 24, 2016, 08:09 AM

Had a bad bpd day today. Bf was a jerk from early in the morning which set it off. Ended up feeling like there was no point, nobody could love me anyhow, the whole deal. Went and made myself talk to a couple of friends, and they helped me climb back out of the pit I was in. So I'm kind of proud of myself for dealing with this in a healthy way without acting out or self harming.

Jul 24, 2016, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anna72914

I wish that just for once, someone would be afraid of losing me. That I could run away and have someone chase me.

I'm feeling the same way. I am currently dealing with a situation with an ex friend. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Its hard.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kek de la Doge

I just feel empty. A hole in my stomach kinda feeling. Stressed and alone and lonely. Afraid. Just want to run. Unplug emotions, that's all, man.... I just want to stop feeling.

That's how I am today. I woke up this morning like that. I can only imagine how you are feeling.